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  • Need a safe place to talk about this

    My best friend is divorcing her husband, who is also a friend.

    I know and understand the reasons why she is leaving him and I actually agree that this is what she has to do.

    But I am still very sad about all of this and really wish it hadn't come to this.

    My husband and I have a very happy, solid marriage and we can both see exactly what went wrong with theirs. We did what we could as friends to support their marriage.

    I'm really struggling to understand why someone (the husband) would basically throw away their family. He's just not given anything to the relationship over the course of most of their marriage and he even admits that he hasn't tried at all to be a husband or father. He puts himself first, his mother second, and his wife and daughters are a far distant third. Yet, he really doesn't understand why she's leaving him.

    I want to be supportive of both my friends. Of course, my primary concern is the children and to do anything I can to be there for them. But, I've never been in this position before.
    Don't wanna; not gonna.

  • #2
    Huge hugs. Divorce isn't easy on anybody, and that includes the couple's couple's close friends and extended family. As a divorced woman with kids, I can share a few words of wisdom.

    -It will be impossible to stay neutral. You can stay polite and civil to the "other" party, but there will be a party who's "side" you are "on". In this case I'm assuming it's your best friend, so the rest of my post will reflect that assumption.

    -Speaking of polite and civil, always be that way to the husband. If things get nasty you will never be blamed for interfering. Also, if there's any hope of remaining friends with him, this will help pave the way.

    -No matter how badly you might want to, never bash him or insult him. Your friend married him for a reason. At some point in her life she loved him. When I was divorcing, I always took those ex-bashing comments as a personal insult to my ability to choose a decent husband. Even now, 11 years later, I still take a bit of offense to such comments. Also, this man is still the children's father. Unless he does what my ex did, and disappears completely, they're going to have to forge some sort of relationship in order work out visitation and such.

    -On the other hand, let her complain as much as she wants. If she needs to unload, let her cry on your shoulder, but just sit there and listen.

    -Come vent to us whenever you need. Like I said before, this isn't easy on anybody, and that includes you.
    At the conclusion of an Irish wedding, the priest said "Everybody please hug the person who has made your life worth living. The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

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    • #3
      I know it is pointless to say "please try to avoid taking 'sides'", but unless you absolutely loathe the partner, try to provide him with support as well, quite often as a result of numbers of people discussing potential/upcoming divorces with one party being virtually unaware of it coming, it ends up being that the person instigating the divorce has a massive support base to help them through it, while the divorced partner has little to no support in contrast, which can easily cause them to slip into depression and have devastating effects.

      I say this because I have heard of cases where the divorced party had no one to turn to while their partner was getting virtually endless messages of "Oh you poor thing", "You deserve better", "They were not good enough for you" and so on while they were left to cope with it pretty much alone and as a result they ended up committing suicide. Granted this is the extreme end of the scale, but it can and does happen.
      Violets are blue,
      Roses are red,
      I bequeath to thee...
      A boot to the head >_>

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      • #4
        GODS!!!!

        The super classic MAMA"S boy. or the enmeshed Mama's substitute spouse or the brainwashed moron.

        Keep it as civil as possible and support your friend as best as you can. LEt her cry on your shoulder and no husband bashing esp in hearing range of the children.

        MAMA will be telling Dummy H all sorts of nasty things about his spouse (since this is how he was raised ie. worship at the alter of MAMA) and telling Dummy H that nothing is his fault.

        Send youir friend over to

        www.motherinlawstories.com

        They have a great member base (most of them have been ther and done that) and can give LOTS of support and advice.
        I'm lost without a paddle and headed up SH*T creek.
        -- Life Sucks Then You Die.


        "I'll believe corp. are people when Texas executes one."

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        • #5
          Call me crazy but I smell an affair.
          My Guide to Oblivion

          "I resent the implication that I've gone mad, Sprocket."

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          • #6
            Thanks, everyone.

            Part of what makes this difficult is the husband has been my husband's friend since high school. I've actually known the husband longer than my best friend, she and I became friends when they started dating.

            Tama, knowing both parties as well as I do, I am positive there's no affair going on. The husband just has misplaced priorities and some other issues that he really needs to work on with a therapist.

            Already have been supportive of both parties. I truly feel bad for the husband
            even though it is his actions and nonactions that have led to this.

            As much as my husband and I will continue to support both the husband and wife, we agree that our priority really is to be there for the girls (ages 4 and 1) as a stable and safe place in their lives. The girls don't know what is going on yet, fortunately.
            Don't wanna; not gonna.

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