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How to tell someone that 'not everything is about you'?
Old 03-26-2019, 11:09 AM
Blue Ginger Blue Ginger is offline
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Default How to tell someone that 'not everything is about you'?


My housemate is driving me nuts. This is the same one that I've written about before. The one that can't fucking clean to save herself. That I had to teach how to clean a toilet at the age of 26 and it still takes her 2-3 goes to get it to 'ok'.

I've been having my own issues lately that I've not really talked too much about on here. But includes my brother's custody battle with an ex that keeps taking protection orders out against him then fails to turn up at court. My 95 year old Gran being really sick one day, then fine, then calling in tears the next day because she wants to die. And my sister struggling with control issues and a new born (November). And Sunday was the baptism for the new born. Plus the owner of my sisters house put it on the market in January, wanted open houses e-v-e-r-y weekend, then decided he wanted sell it empty and on Friday decided not to sell but to jack up the rent by nearly 60%. And failed to tell the real estate agency that was renting it because he wanted to sell through his friend that is at a different real estate agency.

Can you say ARRRGGGHHHH? Because AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I was supposed to be getting support to get back into the work force after being signed off for some time on mental health grounds. I was getting better until I had the rug pulled out from under me again. The employment agency that Centrelink sent me to fucked me around for 6 weeks and I still don't have an updated CV. Currently dealing with offical complaints and trying to find a new company that will help me. (Includes a Disability Team case worker telling me that I 'don't look disabled'. Because cPTSD and Depression leave flashing fucking signs over everyone's heads.) The arseholes have caused 3 panic attacks in 3 weeks. When I hadn't had one for months.

Can you say double AAAARRRGGGHHHHH? Because Double AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

Yesterday and today have been not good days. Everything has hit me like a ton of bricks. I was catting (sitting on my bed in the sun) when my house mate came home. But I frankly didn't hear her because I was reading and possibly disassociating again.
(I lost about 4 hours to disassociating yesterday.) When the sun disappeared behind the skyscrapers, I made dinner and turned on the TV to have comforting white noise (aka NCIS) while I ate. She came out of her room claiming that she must have fallen asleep (don't care) and kept trying to get my attention by super fake yawning. I told her I don't want to talk or think, I just want to turn off and eat. (She knows all about the above and some other stuff I haven't mentioned regarding a massive joint event coming up soon. She actually took yesterday off work because Sunday was so stressful for her. She was at her parents doing bag stuffing for this joint event and admitted that she wasn't doing much because there was so much help there. )

Either one of us is allowed to say 'I don't want to human' and the other has to respect it. When she says it, I usually put the tissue box near her and then leave her alone. When I say it, I have to remind her that I don't want hugs, I just want to be left alone and usually close myself in my room after I have eaten.

Tonight after her 6th fake yawn, I shut my laptop, went into my room and shut the door. She starts knocking and asking what's wrong and I told her to leave me alone. Instead respecting my 'leave me alone' like an adult, she rushes into her room, slams the door and starts sobbing like I just kicked all the world's puppies.

I am so sick of having to constantly look after her fucking feelings when I am barely keeping it together myself. (Thank fuck my next therapy session is on Thursday. 2 more sleeps.) I just want to be able to 'not human' when I need to tune out the world without having to constantly reassure her precious fucking fee-fees.

So lovely people here, that are probably a little more level headed than I am right now, how do I tell a 27 year old woman to grow the fuck up because not everything is about her? I feel like I'm living with a teenager, not another adult.

(PS: she is currently on some kind of anti-depressant but frankly is not helping herself by refusing to get therapy at the same time to help with her own issues. It seems like her doc is just trying to up her meds but not insisting she actually see someone at the same time.
I am not on meds because my brain chemistry is already pretty weird and my doctor and therapist don't want to add anything to the odd cocktail known as my body.)
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Old 03-26-2019, 06:50 PM
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AnaKhouri AnaKhouri is offline
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Edit: ignore everything below. I just reread your post and my advice is stupid. I had dental surgery today and my comprehension is shit through this haze of meds. She sounds like she toddler. Repetition is all you do with toddlers.

You both need to be clear about what you need. "Look room mate, I appreciate your concern and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but last night I just needed to be alone." And make sure in the future you're more clear about what you need instead of trying to hint at it (the yawning for attention, getting up and leaving without a word). This is what I have learned from 14 years of marriage. Just say stuff!

Good luck. You're going through a hard time now, but everything ends eventually. Good luck!

Last edited by AnaKhouri; 03-27-2019 at 12:58 AM.

Old 03-27-2019, 01:17 AM
Pixelated Pixelated is offline
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I can definitely see where the hard part comes when you tell her to "LEAVE ME ALONE" (which she should understand) and she runs into her room sobbing like a small child. I'm afraid the only suggestion I've got there is that you train yourself to ignore it, and that includes taking some deep breaths (or whatever works) and reminding yourself that THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You might want to invest in a good pair of earphones too. When she pulls this, just put the earphones on and do something relaxing, whether it's listening to music or an audiobook, watching a movie or video, or playing a game.

If and when she chooses to behave like an adult, you can remind her about the "I don't want to be human" agreement.

I hope things calm down for you soon.
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Old 03-27-2019, 07:10 AM
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MoonCat MoonCat is offline
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Lord, what a pain. I know someone very much like that, actually. There isn't a lot you can do other than make your needs known, politely of course. I seriously advise against giving in to this type of emotional manipulation, which is exactly what she's doing. She wants to sob over nothing? Let her. She'll cry herself out (if she's really crying and not fake sobbing) and eventually figure out that you won't respond to this. DO NOT give in to any temptation to go comfort her. She sounds like a bit of a narcissist.

And if I can give one more teeny bit of advice - don't take on your sister's problems as your own. She has to handle her own problems, and your mental/emotional health should be your top priority. There's nothing you can or should do in re: to her baby problems or, especially, her house problems. That's for her to fix. Of course you care, I realize that, but you need to maybe take a step back and tell yourself "Sis will work it out."

I hope things get better for you, that's a lot to handle, and I feel ya re: the job stuff. I've found that the official agencies which are supposed to help with job searches 'n related stuff are next to useless, unfortunately.
When you start at zero, everything's progress.

Old 03-27-2019, 10:39 AM
Blue Ginger Blue Ginger is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Oz
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MoonCat the funniest/stupidest/weirdest thing is my therapist is actually trying to teach me how to have emotions because I spent most of my childhood repressing all emotion at school. Emotions make you vulnerable and vulnerable lets the bullies know how/where to hit the hardest. (Fuck. Re-reading that back just really highlights how fucked up the two schools were.)

People who over emote (like my housemate) just make me shut down or piss me off. Basically it breaks part my 'give a fuck' regarding that person. Break too much and I completely don't give a fuck anymore and they become a non-person (another thing my therapist is trying to help with).

I think I'm going to add the 'I don't want to human' rule to the chore list/rules document. Once I get it mostly in there, I might share parts on here to get everyone's opinion and make sure I haven't missed stuff.

The stuff regarding my sis just pisses me off because I'm 'not working' so everyone thinks I can be available 24/7 for everyone else. And they don't even bother to ask me first. GAH!

(Explaining the non-person thing to my current therapist made her cry for younger me. The best way I could protect myself was to regard nearly all my classmates and teachers as non-people because non-people aren't real and if they aren't real, they can't hurt me. I was in grade one when I came up with the basics but in grade two when I had the above words after reading POW accounts from WWI & WWII.)
A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

Old 03-27-2019, 02:26 PM
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greek_jester greek_jester is offline
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I don't know what your rental agreement is like, but can you install a bolt or a chain on your bedroom door? That way if you need to shut yourself in your room to feel human again you can put it on and your roommate can't pull this again. Combine that with headphones and music/an audio book and you don't need to worry about her yelling through the door either.
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