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My partner told me that, since I come up with so many awful things (that I then voice), I should share them with the universe just to unhinge things a little. It sounded like a spectacularly bad idea, so here I am.
Background: Some of these are from a game we play at parties called "Aaaaaafrica", which is like Balderdash, but without any real goal except to have fun. The idea is that everyone puts a question into the pot (ie, "In 5 words or less, what would you name your band?") then one person asks the question, and everyone else writes down an answer. Once the answers are read, you go around and try to guess who put in what answer, until only one person is left, then they read the next question. I am a bit gross, so I tend to be one of the first ones out...since people just hear the horrible things I write down and start pointing at me immediately.
The quotes that AREN'T from the game are ones that a friend actually tracks on a twitter channel, or at least he used to. I think he got too horrified to post them any more...anyway, here we go. I'll post new ones as they get more horrible, or until one of the mods decides to cut my head off.
Backstories can be given on some of these 
1. "You haven't truly beaten your toilet until you can finish, stand, then taunt over it like you're Ric Flair..."
2. "I don't know...he might always come back later for more: 'Please! No one else fucks me like they hate me and want me to die!'"
3. (In 5 words or less, describe your best attribute): "My asshole is a Buick." (the end of the joke was "Seats five comfortably.")
4. "People hate George W Bush because of his politics. I find it surprising how so few people go after him because of his carnivorous testicles, but I guess the news about those never got as widespread."
5. "I thought I was a British skeleton that had been buried face down in a very drafty crypt, and I was infinitely offended by this. Then I realized that my head was hanging off the side of the bed-slash-crypt platform, and I became terrified that my head was going to fall off, and I wouldn't be able to find it later. I felt like I did this for hours, but it was probably only a couple minutes. I also had the entire conversation about this out loud with no one but the floor." (This maaaay have been under the influence...)
6. Redacted (I decided this one may not go over so well with everyone...so I removed it)
7. "I look at every response I have to something like a fork in the road. I just choose whichever road is labeled 'the wrong thing to say' and go sprinting down that road as fast as I can. Devil penis." (In a conversation with my mother. She just glowered at me and rubbed her temples...)
That's all I can think of for now I'll add more later.
Background: Some of these are from a game we play at parties called "Aaaaaafrica", which is like Balderdash, but without any real goal except to have fun. The idea is that everyone puts a question into the pot (ie, "In 5 words or less, what would you name your band?") then one person asks the question, and everyone else writes down an answer. Once the answers are read, you go around and try to guess who put in what answer, until only one person is left, then they read the next question. I am a bit gross, so I tend to be one of the first ones out...since people just hear the horrible things I write down and start pointing at me immediately.
The quotes that AREN'T from the game are ones that a friend actually tracks on a twitter channel, or at least he used to. I think he got too horrified to post them any more...anyway, here we go. I'll post new ones as they get more horrible, or until one of the mods decides to cut my head off.
Backstories can be given on some of these 1. "You haven't truly beaten your toilet until you can finish, stand, then taunt over it like you're Ric Flair..."
2. "I don't know...he might always come back later for more: 'Please! No one else fucks me like they hate me and want me to die!'"
3. (In 5 words or less, describe your best attribute): "My asshole is a Buick." (the end of the joke was "Seats five comfortably.")
4. "People hate George W Bush because of his politics. I find it surprising how so few people go after him because of his carnivorous testicles, but I guess the news about those never got as widespread."
5. "I thought I was a British skeleton that had been buried face down in a very drafty crypt, and I was infinitely offended by this. Then I realized that my head was hanging off the side of the bed-slash-crypt platform, and I became terrified that my head was going to fall off, and I wouldn't be able to find it later. I felt like I did this for hours, but it was probably only a couple minutes. I also had the entire conversation about this out loud with no one but the floor." (This maaaay have been under the influence...)
6. Redacted (I decided this one may not go over so well with everyone...so I removed it
)7. "I look at every response I have to something like a fork in the road. I just choose whichever road is labeled 'the wrong thing to say' and go sprinting down that road as fast as I can. Devil penis." (In a conversation with my mother. She just glowered at me and rubbed her temples...)
That's all I can think of for now
I'll add more later.
Think we're safe there.
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