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Football season is here----- eeesh.... that means we get football FANS. Keeping them corralled is right up there on my list of "least favorite things to do on a weekend" at #483, that's below #482 (hot makeout session with saguaro cactus) but well above #484 (visiting creepy Aunt Flo whose house smells like a mix of old band-aids and toilet bowl cleaner and if that wasn't enough, she's got those creepy Leonid Brezhnev eyebrows).
And because our local football squad was given a very high preseason ranking, there's even more of the cursed things running around this year than there was LAST year.
Ugh, football fans... COLLEGE football fans......
In the immortal words of Obi Wan Kenobi: You will never find a greater hive of scum and villany.
Well, let's get to it, these aneurysms ain't gonna blow themselves ya know.
Alley Cat
Something about coming into a new town must cause people to just assume everything they ever learned about behavior in an urban environment is invalid and can be moved to their brain's "recycle bin" icon and the "empty" button hit.
After all, the whole thing about not blocking streets and travel lanes? That's just how THEIR city does it, this little rinky dink town in the middle of rural Pennsytucky? Nah, they wouldn't have the same kinda laws as a BIGGER city.... this is like Mayberry, where the cops just smile and doff their caps at you if you park your mammoth SUV in the, oh, I don't know,
MIDDLE OF AN ALLEY?
So that the truck that brings the cargo to the big roll up door in the alley YOU ARE BLOCKING cannot do so? And yes, you did, in fact, park, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SIGN THAT SAYS NO PARKING!
The one with the big black "P" on it with the red slash through it? The standardized one that appears in that very form ALL ACROSS THE NATION?
It doesn't mean reserved for the P-busters. It means NO PARKING!!!
And the cops, well, bike cop, singular, who saw this did NOT doff his cap, at you, and not because it's strapped to his head.
No, he instead called us and had us tow your mammoth SUV to someplace where it's NOT blocking a truck by taking up a whole alley.
Namely the impound.
Yes, you whined and complained about how unfair this all was when you came to get it. Because you were "from out of town" and "just visiting"
That's nice, because you were also BLOCKING A ROAD.
They argued their case for clemency for a lot longer than they should have, considering they weren't going to get any. This was a POLICE matter. See, when the cops call you in for a tow, that's the Governor not only refusing to pardon you as midnight approaches, but requesting a front row seat and popcorn.
Seriously, don't you get this? You blocked a road and the cops gave you exactly what you deserved for it.
You were giving this town a transportation coronary.... the truck couldn't get to the loading ramp and had to sit in the street, the street backed up to another street and at least 10 people were stopped in their tracks because you were "just visiting"? That makes it okay? Really?
This whole "Just Visiting" thing really needs to be scientifically investigated, in depth.
Do these people, when invited to others houses, stand in the hallways and block everyone? Throw their coats and stuff in the aquarium? Drop their pants and roll naked in the mashed potatoes on the dinner table? And when questioned and/or notified the police have been called just say "Well, how was I to know that wasn't allowed? I was JUST VISITING?!"
Anyone out there know how I can get me one of those ridiculous seven figure research grants that are woefully lacking in oversight from above and don't require transparency to study it?
Back By Popular Demand, Fake Permits
A recent revamp in the permits used by the major 3 reality conglomerates here that have seen them moving away from hangtags for the rearview and towards stickers for windows, (a cash-grab as they realize that you can't transfer them from car-to-car and will have to buy more if you're a conspiracist) means fewer fakes.
Even the most intrepid of scofflaws knows that creating a passable phony of a sticker is a lot harder than a cardstock cutout.
But don't worry, football season brings out the best of the worst, and you get people who try it anyway. I had several Fakey McFakefaces this time round, which led to several Yoinky McYoinkersons of the car in question.
Now, let us review where they went wrong.
1. Sorry, Not Stupid
This wasn't a fake, per se. It was a legit permit, once upon a time, before it was defiled.
See, you HAD a valid Global Domination Reality temporary permit at one point, back in July.
Temporaries are still the old style cardstock hangers.
It expired at the end of the month.
"Oh Snap" you must've thought "Now what do I do? I could pay $20 to get a new one, or, just grab this felt tip marker and draw a line diagonally across that "7" in "Expires 7 - 20 - 17" and make an "8" out of it and now it's good until August!"
Well, August also came and went as of a week ago. And you apparently realized that a bit too late. What to do, what to do now? What to do?
Well, you could still pay $20 to get a new one, or, you could kinda box in the "8" so it would look like a "0" with a slash through it like on old Apple computer screens, and then squeeze a "1" in there to the left, and presto! You now have a permit that expires "10-20-17"!
In you mind.
Unfortunately to me, all those, ahem, modifications were pretty darn obvious.
Yoiks! And awaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.........
That was Friday.
Saw you back in the next Monday night, with a fresh, new, LEGIT permit good until 9-20-17, issued by GDR.
Guess whoever released the car back to you was a good sport and didn't call GDR and have you put in the "radioactive cobalt" file where they eternally refuse to touch you, get within 40 yards of you, or give you a new permit until the sun expands and envelops the Earth.
That was a long, circuitous and expensive path you took just to end up back where you started, but hey, they say giving it the ol' College try (in this case, literally) builds character.
I can't wait to see what kind of character you grow up to be..... hopefully the animated kind that attracts falling anvils and lit canisters of TNT.
2. Sorry, Not Colorblind, either.
This also wasn't a fake, per se, but the INTENT was there.
Let's see...a sea of grey mirror-hanging permits filling the lot from end to end, and you showed up with a pink from last year/semester, probably excavated from your friend's garbage can? (And, you parked in the wrong spot for it, that complex has "A" and "B" lots, and they do NOT let the two mix, even if it HAD been current you still would've gone)
[Sideshow Bob]Neughghghghhghgh......[/Sideshow Bob]
At what point did that seem like a good idea? Before or after the 5th beer and/or untreated head trauma of the afternoon?
I know this property doesn't put expiration dates on their permits, but, you clearly should've considered that there's a reason they all suddenly changed color and why your friend THREW THEIRS AWAY. And why there's a big LETTER on that permit? And big LETTERS on SIGNPOSTS at the entrance to the lot you went in, letters that did NOT match yours?!
Oh, who am I trying to kid?
You probably don't get causality.
You're probably one of those people that assumes the bad things that just constantly happen to them are totally the fault of mystical and unknowable forces acting completely beyond their control.
That your path in through the cosmos is determined by gusts of invisible and undetectable ether that blow you like a leaf from place to place in the universe, and not your own free will.
Do people like this think their life is like the weather? Whatever happens happens and they shall never have agency? Like, they wake up, look out the window, see the rising sun and say "Huh, must be morning", see rain, and say "Huh, must be raining" and then they notice the steel bars on the window and say "Huh, must've been arrested again"? I really wanna know.
Oh, and icing on the crap sundae, we ran the car though the ticket database when we got it back to the lot, $50 in unpaid delinquent fines on record. Cha-ching.
Coincidentally they were from the street right outside that apartment complex. Yep, in trying to avoid a parking ticket by sneaking off the street, he got towed.
Well, I'll give him a half-point for at least TRYING to problem solve. A lot of folk these days won't even do that and will actually call tech support and wait on hold while the locomotive is bearing down on them instead of just stepping off the tracks. And that will be sad. Because the last mortal thing you do on this planet should NEVER be listening to a static-laden Elton John song with the lyric track removed.
3. Sorry, Not Filling My Eyes, With That Double Vision.
Consider that possibly the WORST kind of permit to simply feed into a scanner and pump out cheap copies of are the ones issued by the guy at Angry Greek Reality.
Angry Greek Reality is owned by, well, an Angry old Greek guy who I think really hates his tenants and only rents to them so he can legally abuse them with draconian rules and regulations and skinflint spending that would make one wonder if it would take the Jaws of Life to get his wallet open.
As such, he has the cheapest parking permits in town.
About 3'' by 3'', blue construction paper, run through a laminator and the only thing they say, in 30 point font, dead-center, is:
That's it, no complex name, no reality name, no phone numbers, vehicle info, decorative flourishes, nothing. Just one word and a serial number. These just scream out for forgery attempts with their simplicity...
And someone heeded the call.
Twice.
There were THREE number 5 permits in that lot last night. All in a row.... two fakes right alongside the legit original gangsta....
HOW you thought I wouldn't notice that I don't know. Let alone how you thought I wouldn't notice that since you didn't laminate your paper, the surfeit of rain we've been having around here lately means the ambient moisture made them curl up like bacon in a frying pan...
Naturally, they got towed
Naturally, they were amazed their plan didn't work.
Naturally, they had to surrender the "permits" before they were released back into the pond.
Naturally, they wanted to know what we were going to do with them.
Normally, we round file them, or give them to Spitzilla, who has a scrapbook at home of the many collected fakes over the years.
But, we might of, maybe, kinda sorta MAY have told them we turn them into Angry Greek and it's up to him if he thinks they merit fraud charges in civil court or a lifetime suspension of parking privileges for not only you, but the person who had the original.
Hey, don't look at me like that!
You pull a stunt like this going into a Friday evening, there's no good reason you shouldn't sweat bullets and think about what you did wrong all weekend long and fret about how bad you dun screwed the pooch....
Kids SHOULD fear the reprecussions of lying.
Adults like me should ENJOY it.
A Perfect No Hitter
Nope, not the 27 up 27 down kind. It was much more impressive.
As in the car the cops just pulled over had a driver with:
No Registration
No Insurance
No State Safety/Emissions Inspection
No License
Yes, it was impounded.
Who knew the quadruple play was a thing?
I wondered what kind of person would do this, since the driver was long gone by the time I got there.
I Googled "mentally deficient scofflaw" when I got home, but the first hit is a site reviewing old Seinfeld episodes, and NOT his portrait, to much disappointment.
Boy, it will take a long time before someone can outdo THAT much stupidity.
Except it won't.
Barely 3 nights later, someone else did the SAME thing.
The cops pull over a guy for:
No Registration
No Insurance
No State Safety/Emissions Inspection
No License
AAAAAAAAAAANNNDDD.........drum roll please............
DUI.....
Quintuple play.....
Just when you think nature can't POSSIBLY invent a better idiot, you are reminded that even ramen noodles have instructions on the packet telling you to take them OUT of the plastic before eating.....
Somedays, I wonder, would it be that bad, really THAT bad, to live under a power-mad despot who orders summary executions for the most minor of slights? I understand my chance of getting put up against a wall and shot for snoring too loud would increase substantially, but whatever percentage it does go up, it would SURELY go up five-fold for people like this who don't even have ONE of the 4 pieces of paper they need to drive... right? Sure, it may be a shock to see your first jackboot facial or bullet riddled corpse on the corner... but I think you'd get used to it... Am I bad person for even thinking about this?
Because that DUI and no papers guy?
He got pulled over IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION as he was driving by.....
You Don't Have to Make it Worse.
Really, you don't.
You want to learn how to juggle? You can start with Nerf balls, and not steak knives coated in ebola virus. That's completely up to you.
Conversely, if you've gotten nabbed for illegal parking, because you broke the law, it can stay our little secret, you don't HAVE to call the cops...on yourself and tell them you broke the law and are looking to make this a major civil issue.
Like, let's say, your car was called in to us for a tow.
Mainly because it doesn't have a permit, but the major contributing factors also seem to be that significant amount of rear end damage and the fact it has no license plates.
The maintenance man cutting the grass at that complex noticed it, knew it wasn't there yesterday and figured someone had abandoned an unwanted car by dumping it on his property. So he called us.
Well, we get halfway through loading it when you came running out of the building and demanded to know what was up. Answer - your car! Haw haw! $95 for a drop right now.
Well, at that juncture, you could pay the $95 and skedattle and absolutely no one would know except you me and any bored NSA agents monitoring us from a silent drone aircraft at 20,000 feet.
Nope, that'd be too easy, you instead threatened to call the cops on us because you were "just visiting" *sigh* and those prices you were quoted "don't sound right".
Well, it's a free country (for you for at least the next 15 minutes anyway if you make that phone call), but, consider that the drop fee is a bargain, as it's $130 for a tow to impound. And when the cops get here, they will tell you that yes, that is the price, and once you pay for a drop, you must immediately move the car. Seeing as you have no plates and a smashed rear end meaning smashed and non-functioning brake lights, the cops when they get here may not LET you move that car, you know, plates and brake lights being REQUIRED for that, and you may end up having no choice but to take the full tow.
You don't have to do this the hard way...
But you doodit the it the hard way.
He called the cops.
The cops showed up and after informing him that yes, you do need a permit, and yes, those fees quoted were correct, and yes, you will have to move the car immediately if you pick the "drop" instead of "impound" option, they asked exactly what he was doing driving around a damaged car with no license plates....
Warned ya.
He hems and haws a bit, the officer says he didn't quite catch that... he mumbles something noncommittal..
The cop point blank asks him where his plates are.
"They're in my, uh, buddies place"
You drove over here, and took the plates off.... and took them INSIDE his apartment? asks the cop.
Uh... yeah? Says the guy.
The cop gives him that look that says "You're full of bleep, and you know you're full of bleep, and I know that you know that I know you're full of bleep, so I better see nothing but compliance from here on out" and the guy agrees to pay for the drop and the cop agrees to let him move the car at least to the curb for free. But from there, if he sees it on the roads with no plates just once, he can fully expect to be instantly pedestrianized.
You're lucky the cops like the easy option most of the time too... less paperwork for them, but I doubt he's really learned anything.
I Get Your Customers Too
This entry is a crossover event with the kind of customer base pests the rest of you retail drones out there are all too familiar with.
While 90% of my customer base makes complaints you'll likely never hear I.E. -"You stole my Mercedes!" I still get some of the same standardized sucky customers you do, just distorted a tad through the odd funhouse mirror that is my job.
Like how an animated version of Jerry Reed or the Harlem Globetrotters would inexplicably show up in an old Scooby Doo episode. It's recognizably them, but in weirdly different circumstances.
Particularly, I also get the "You know how much I spend?!" customer. The one that feels since they spend a LOT of money with your business (i.e. five bucks once), you can just waive all those pesky rules about coupon limits and return policies and the like as it's better to be treated like dirt than lose all the BOJILLIONS of dollars they could bring (allegedly) to the company.
Yeah, Spitzilla had a lady flip out on him for telling her she couldn't park in a lot if she didn't have a permit for it. Why? Because her KID goes to college in this town, and given how much she PAYS for tuition, she can come visit her ANYTIME SHE LIKES and park ANYWHERE SHE WANTS! And if she comes back and her car is gone? SHE IS CALLING THE POLICE!!! Yes, she apparently melted down to the point she thought displeasing her was a criminal matter.... According to him, he got the middle-fingers akimbo treatment too.
Now, a couple of clarifying points.
1. She came up to him and ASKED him first, he was parked and doing paperwork.
2. He didn't say "you can't park there" he said "I don't know who owns that lot. But if the owner of the lot calls you in for a tow, you'll be towed and there's nothing I can do about it" Basically said as nicely as possible that "you are own your own".
3. It wasn't even OUR parking lot, we researched it back at the base and the property in question belongs to "Other Guys Towing"
4. If you didn't intend to follow the rules, what are you doing even ASKING?!
And while Spitz was having his hassle from Megalomania Mom at one end of town, I was on the other side getting my ears chewed by Defensive Dad who demanded to know why I was towing his car.
"Doesn't have a permit" I said "and it needs one to park here, permit-only lot"
"I have one!" he insisted.
"Where? I can't find it"
"Over there!" - and he's pointing to the permit on the window of, another car
..
"Sir, permits are only good for one car, the car they are in, they don't cover multiple vehicles. If there is no permit in this car right now, it's a drop or a tow"
"What? You tellin' me that for how much I spend on rent for my kid, I have to get a permit for MY car too?!"
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."
On the outside.
Inside, you don't WANT to know the words I'm using to describe you, but they aren't very flattering.
The Phantom Employee
Well, those "I pay a LOT" customers were fun (like an enema on a cold morning), how about another one with significant Venn Diagram overlap? The one who swears up and down and up and down and up again that some employee said it was okay for them to get freebies for life or ignore the sale limit, but this supposed employee can never be named nor found on any shift?
Surprise! We get that one too!
This person first graced our doorstep Friday night when they got towed for parking in a private lot without a permit.
They came for the car Saturday morning and left, $130 lighter in the purse.
The next night, Saturday, they were back in the same lot, still without a permit, and got towed again.
When they came in for it, again, Sunday morning, they were a little bit livid.
According to them when they got towed the first time, one of our employees told them they could only be towed ONCE per weekend. Seeing as that employee had clearly lied, they shouldn't be held responsible for ANOTHER $130 worth of tribute.
Heh, good one....nobody here would say that. But, humor us, who was it?
You don't remember their name? That's funny, seeing as we all have jackets with our name right on the pocket. But why don't you describe this person to us?
They had a beard "down to their belt". That sounds like the front man for ZZ Top, but nobody who works here. We only have one guy with a beard, Doc, but his is only down to his neck since it would get in the way of his fishing rod casting otherwise. So nope, doesn't sound like him, but continue... what else did he look like?
He was a "younger older guy"
And was that your final answer? Oh, sorry, and how much did you wager?
Doc is CLEARLY an "older younger" guy So it was most assuredly not him.
You lose, good day Sir. But rest assured we'll be on the lookout for any "younger older" guys impersonating our employees, just so we can figure out what in the hell a "younger older" guy actually would LOOK like. Is it like a "skinny fat" person? Or maybe a "shorter tall" person?
Yes, the door is in fact, to your left, you can leave now.
Thanks 21st Century....
You didn't bring us flying cars, cities on the Moon, or disintegrator rays that make that "bew bew bew bew bew" sound as they disintegrate. But you at least did make it possible for people to access the Borough's entire ordinance database online from a phone.
Ironically, while you may have thought this would encourage more compliance by the public, it has had the opposite effect.
Now, EVERY Tom, Dick and Harry goes home, reads the ordinances, and, the same brilliant mind that didn't understand the "No Parking" sign now thinks they're up to fully dissecting a legal statute and are SURE they've got the "gotcha!" moment that will get them a full refund, a balloon, and the severed head of their tower of choice....
And you get return customers like, this kid.
This Kid wandered into the office this afternoon and had a brief yet poignant discourse with Towing Manager.
This Kid - Hey, uh, you like, illegally towed me the other day.
Towing Manager - Doubt it, but I'll double-check, let me see that receipt, says here you were towed for being in a private lot without a permit. Called in to us at 5 pm, towed at 5:49 pm, well beyond the Borough 15 minute limit, so, what's the problem.
- The ordinance says that only property owners can authorize towing, and I didn't authroize anything.
- You aren't the property owner
- I... I live there, so yes I am
- No, you are a tenant. You rent, you do not own.
- Well, I sent it to my Mom, and she's a real estate lawyer, and she says that I am the owner under the law.
- She's wrong
- You... you don't have to get beligerent wiht me.
- I'm not, I'm just trying to keep you from wasting more time with this than you already ahve, you are not the property owner, you are a tenant, you don't get to decide who gets towed, the owner does.
- But, my Mom said
- Fine, I'll see her in court and the Judge can tell her she's wrong if she won't believe me.
- I'm.... I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but, she said...
- Sir, I've been doing this for 14 years, I know the ordinance inside and out, and I've never once lost in court, but if she wants to meet me there, that's' fine. Now if you have nothing else you can leave.
And he did.
So, it's actually come to this.... a Real Estate lawyer that doesn't GET the difference between "owner" and "tenant". Really? REALLY?
Sobering how many good men died on a bloody beachhead in France for THIS to be our future, isn't it?
Speaking of future:
You know, perhaps it's for the best that progress has yet to put flying cars, the moon or disintegrator rays in the hands of people like that kid.
And now, I have a mental image of said kid, stuffed in the back of a flying squad car, being flown off to the lunar supermax prison for booking and whining uselessly to the two stone-faced android cops in the front seat: "but my Mom said I could disintegrate that building......"
Android Cop 1 - Query, when are these kids ever going to learn Lou?
Android Cop 2 - Affirmative, when?
Why Communism Still Has Fans
Another confused soul called in looking for their car, but were unable to tell us the make, model or location it was towed from, all they knew was "it was white".
Well, after some minor detective work, we were able to determine we had it.
Here's the rub.
It was a Jaguar XK, this is a car with an MSRP of over $80,000 with the right equipment.
You dropped nearly six figures on a car, and don't even know what MAKE it is?
I could understand not knowing the brand of every pair of shoes you own, or not remembering who made your tv set, but a luxury sports car? Really?
How did you simultaneously get that rich AND that stupid?
Or, are you rich BECAUSE you were stupid and sued someone for failure to anticipate your stupidity?
Okay, out with it, which warning label out there ARE you responsible for?
The one on the tube of Preparation H that says "do not take orally" or the one on all the gas pumps that say "motor fuel only, do not ingest"? Because I.... HEY....
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT PLASTIC BAG WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU, DUMMY!!!
When the Martians finally get their act together and invade, people like you are the reason I'm just going to throw up my hands and say "I'm not with them" and take my chances.....
And speaking of communism.......
In Soviet Russia Building Own You!
*Ring*
-Friendly Neighborhood Towing, you squeal we steal, how can we help you?
-There's a car in my space at 121 Nowhere Street
-I'm not familiar with that address Sir, whose property is that?
-Mine, I live here.
-So it's your house?
-No, it's an apartment.
-Okay, and who do you rent from?
-121 Nowhere
-No, I mean, who runs that apartment complex? Who is your landlord?
-I don't have one.
-If it's an apartment, you do, is this an apartment or is this your private residence?
-Apartment!
-Okay, then who do rent from? A person or a company?
-121 Nowhere
-But who are you RENTING from Sir?
-The building!
-I don't think you understand what I'm asking, who owns that building?
-121 Nowhere Street!
-I get where you are, Sir, but who is the manager of that property? That is what I'm trying to figure out, because I'm not familiar with it.
-Me!
-You own the property? You have a deed to the building?
-No
-Then who does, who... are... you... RENTING... from?
-The building!
-Sir, do you write a check for the rent each month?
-Yes!
-ANd when you do, whose NAME is on the check?
-THE BUILDING!!!!
-Sorry, we can't help you then *CLICK*
Amazingly, he never called back. It's also amazing how the stupid around here gets so thick sometimes, you could cut it with a knife and spread it on your toast.
I Do Not Think That's The Word You Were Looking For
Sector Seven Townhomes are one of my least favorite places to tow from. They don't have a maintenance guy, or a lot monitor, we have to go in and check the cars ourselves. For some reason, management saw fit to give their tenants 2 by 2 INCH stickers with "7" on them, and that's it. These are frustratingly hard to find since people will stick them in the oddest of places, and you don't realize just how much glass is IN an SUV until you're forced to check every single inch of it in the dark and the rain looking for what amounts to a single lego brick.
And if that wasn't enough to ruin your day, this place has the most maladjusted and paranoid tenants I've ever met. I guarantee no sooner do you click on a flashlight and start checking for permits than the screams and howls of "prowler" and "I'm calling the cops!" start raining down from the balconies.
Yeah, prowlers drive big noisy trucks, with the PHONE NUMBERS they can be reached at painted on the doors.
It reached it's zenith, that's for sure. Because the last time I was in there trying to find one of those microscopic permits I had a man run out of the building and confront me, because to him, a guy like me, shining a flashlight into cars at 1 in the morning and making notations on a metal clipboard is clearly a "_____________________"
Go on, fill in the blank..... I'll wait.....
Done?
Bet you $300 you didn't use the word he did.
He said I was clearly a pedophile.....
That stunned me for a second so he repeated it a few times, just so I got the point "are you a pedohpile? you look like pedohpile to me!" Well call the cops then dude, I get paid by the hour, I'll wait.
He declined and when I told him I'd be hooking up the car in the next ten seconds (it was his and had no permit) he rapidly left, kinda anticlimactic, but seriously man, do you even KNOW what that word means?
Well, in his defense, it wasn't an 18 year old car....
Not Our Circus Not Our Monkeys
*Ring*
Hello, Friendly Neighborhood Towing, The rotten crooks with rusty hooks. how can we help you?
You want a car towed out of your parking lot because it's been there all day, okay, where are you?
Crazy Omar's Gas N Go? 1200 S Monkey St? Sorry Sir, that's not our lot.
I mean that's not our lot, we don't provide the towing for that business, you'll need to call Other Guys Towing or Crazy Hillbilly Towing, or whoever it is that services that lot.
Yes I'm sure, I drive by that place all the time, our signs are not up there.
Okay, fine, I'll drive by again and check.
No, I'm not towing the car, I'm just going to check.
*CLICK*
*DRIVE*
*REDIAL*
Okay Sir? I just drove by Crazy Omar's, and the signs say "Crazy Hillbilly Towing" so you'll have to call them.
Yes, you have to, I can't tow out of another company's lot, that is against Borough regulations.
No, there is nothing I can do for you tonight.
*CLICK*
*RING*
Hello, Friendly Neigh.... uh, please don't cut me off, Sir, it's rude, now, what did you need?
You say you called Crazy Hillbilly and he says he doesn't do towing anymore? Well, that's not surprising, I thought he got out of that a few years back when the Borough hiked the insurance rates, I think he only does motor clubs now.
No, I still can't tow for your, his signs are still up, if you want us to do that lot we need to take his signs down and replace them with ours and wait a full 24 hours before we can remove that vehicle.
Well, if it's gone by then, then it's gone, there's nothing I can do tonight sir, you'll have to talk to Towing Manager Monday.
No, Monday
Monday, Sir
You have a good night, Sir.
*CLICK*
*WAIT*
*RING*
Friendly Neighborhood Towin... Sir.... Sir.... Sir, what do you mean "When are we going to get there, you've been waiting an hour?" We aren't.
No
We've been over this before, we can't send a truck until our signs are up. No, we did not say we'd be "right over" we said "talk to Towing Manager" now if you call back one more time before Monday, we're blocking this number. Good night.
*CLICK*
Ironic, you spend that much time calling me, you'd think you'd at least LISTEN. And yet, if I drilled a hole in Crazy Omar's head to let the sap out and maybe help him HEAR better, I'd be the one going to jail.
Tain't no justice in the world these days.
The Dreaded Junior Lawyer
I'd rather tow a plague doctor's car that's still covered in fresh human bile than one with the most dreaded of things on it:
The law school license plate frame...
Because you know what that means. You've got a proto-lawyer on your hands. The very worst kind.
Not smart enough to know the law like a full-fledged attorney, but still willing to lie like one.
Hey, I've been through Jury selection three times, trust me, they all lie. The GOOD ones just tell slightly more believable lies. As in they try to pin their client's criminal behavior on bad parenting instead of simply having a bad reaction to prescription pain meds.... but I digress.
And yes, he did try and lie his way out of the tow.
First he contended that he lived where he got towed from (never saw that car before, and ever since, it's been in the street, looks like your GIRL lives there, counselor, not you) A lie, but also irrelevant even the residents need permits. Worth nothing (and nothing) that he repeated this three times before I told him "We can do this all night, answer's going to be the same"
Then he contended you didn't actually need permits. (so why did every other car but yours have one?)
Next it was on to accusations of theft (Call the cops then, but you can't, this is a civil matter, not criminal)
Then it was refusal to sign the credit card receipt (changed his tune when I said no signature? No Car)
And we wrapped it all up with a declaration that he intended to reverse/contest the charge on his card as soon as he left. (pretty sure that's illegal, but he won't get anywhere, I hear this threat all the time and to my knowledge it's never been successful. I could've been a real dick at that point and said cash only)
Okay, so in about 4 minutes time we tallied four lies, one noncompliance and a declaration of intent to commit fraud. That score sound right, Judges?
You got a future in this biz kid. Not a bright one, but a future nonetheless.
He also wanted to know who he should complain to about the parking rules.... That's right, the future lawyer doesn't know who to call when he has an issue with.... legal regulations.
Man I sure landed in a bleak timeline back when they assigned everyone a reality to reside in, didn't I?
Why couldn't I have gotten the cool one where freak workplace accidents give you superpowers instead of possible third degree burns? Or Teddy Roosevelt won the Spanish-American War in a 10-story tall steam-powered combat mecha called "The Big Stick" ? Why'd it have to be THIS lousy one?
Do You Understand the Words That Are Commin' Outta' my Mouth?!
Apparently not.
Daddykins came in the other day to save his dumbass kid from the small matter of a very large bill.
Seems his kid had a sudden rush of crap to the brain back at the beginning of the month and never put the parking permit he bought from Wrong Side of the Tracks Reality IN his car.
And just now noticed it was missing.
That bill was, substantial. More than the ol' beer fund could afford, so Daddy was called and he drove in to settle it up.
Before leaving, he indicated to us that since he drove all the way up here from his home town, he'd like to ..... oh no..... no.... here it comes......
Just Visit
[brass flourish] Dun dun duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh![/brass flourish]
Would it be okay for him to park at his Son's apartment?
Nope, Towing Manager says, without a permit you might get towed just like, well, your son did.
Well, what about out in the street? Dad asks.
Towing Manager says, verbatim: "you'd have to call the police department and see it that's legal, it may not be during football weekends"
Dad leaves.
An hour later Dad's back.
Well, he's not back, his CAR is.
Yes, he parked IN the lot, where his son just got towed from for no permit, with no permit and.. well... there's sort of a grim inevitability about the course of events now, isn't there?
Yes he was angry with us for towing him because he was "just unloading" and "manager said I could park there!"
Wait, first of all: "Just unloading"? For an HOUR? What were you unloading? Pianos? Unloading means you chuck out a suitcase or two and that's it, it doesn't mean you park and leave the car unattended in a regular space for an hour.
But Towing Manager told him it was okay!? No, just no! No, nein, non, nyet and ohnay ayway you oopidsay urkjay....
Towing Manager almost, ALMOST loses it, but, through gritted teeth tells Dad: "Sir, I NEVER once said for you to park in that lot, you asked where you SHOULD park and I said "Call the Police Department" , how you got this wrong I have no idea.
So Daddy forked over some extra cash to go with that extra large wad of cash he'd already paid earlier in the day, and left.
I'm with Towing Manager on this one, how DID he cross his neurons that badly? I'm not leaving anything out, I was there when he said it. He said "call the cops" not "park wherever ya darn please".
This is like your friend Bob saying "man, I'm tired of being broke" and you tell him "Target is hiring seasonal work" and he says "Great!" and runs off, only to call you an hour later from the police station demanding bail because he was just arrested for robbing the Target "just like you said"
Well, that certainly explains why his kid is such a colossal fark wad when it comes to not f*cking up parking, look who he had as a teacher...
Book em Lou, one count of failure to adult, one count accessory to failure to adult.
It's a City Not a Commune
Why'd I get towed? I was just visiting.
You didn't have a permit for that lot.
Whaddaya mean "permit"?
The property owner only lets people park there who have bought parking from him.
Whaddya mean "owner"?
The guy who owns the building, it's his private property, he decides who uses it.
Private property?!
Yes
You mean even in the MIDDLE OF A CITY there's PRIVATE PROPERTY???!?!?
...
...
...
Yes.
Now, please pay and leave quickly, I'm still too proud to break down weeping DIRECTLY in front of my future caretakers when I'm shipped off to the home. And I don't fancy my chances of surviving my first night at this rate.....
Aaaaaaaaand.... sleep.
And because our local football squad was given a very high preseason ranking, there's even more of the cursed things running around this year than there was LAST year.
Ugh, football fans... COLLEGE football fans......
In the immortal words of Obi Wan Kenobi: You will never find a greater hive of scum and villany.
Well, let's get to it, these aneurysms ain't gonna blow themselves ya know.
Alley Cat
Something about coming into a new town must cause people to just assume everything they ever learned about behavior in an urban environment is invalid and can be moved to their brain's "recycle bin" icon and the "empty" button hit.
After all, the whole thing about not blocking streets and travel lanes? That's just how THEIR city does it, this little rinky dink town in the middle of rural Pennsytucky? Nah, they wouldn't have the same kinda laws as a BIGGER city.... this is like Mayberry, where the cops just smile and doff their caps at you if you park your mammoth SUV in the, oh, I don't know,
MIDDLE OF AN ALLEY?
So that the truck that brings the cargo to the big roll up door in the alley YOU ARE BLOCKING cannot do so? And yes, you did, in fact, park, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SIGN THAT SAYS NO PARKING!
The one with the big black "P" on it with the red slash through it? The standardized one that appears in that very form ALL ACROSS THE NATION?
It doesn't mean reserved for the P-busters. It means NO PARKING!!!
And the cops, well, bike cop, singular, who saw this did NOT doff his cap, at you, and not because it's strapped to his head.
No, he instead called us and had us tow your mammoth SUV to someplace where it's NOT blocking a truck by taking up a whole alley.
Namely the impound.
Yes, you whined and complained about how unfair this all was when you came to get it. Because you were "from out of town" and "just visiting"
That's nice, because you were also BLOCKING A ROAD.
They argued their case for clemency for a lot longer than they should have, considering they weren't going to get any. This was a POLICE matter. See, when the cops call you in for a tow, that's the Governor not only refusing to pardon you as midnight approaches, but requesting a front row seat and popcorn.
Seriously, don't you get this? You blocked a road and the cops gave you exactly what you deserved for it.
You were giving this town a transportation coronary.... the truck couldn't get to the loading ramp and had to sit in the street, the street backed up to another street and at least 10 people were stopped in their tracks because you were "just visiting"? That makes it okay? Really?
This whole "Just Visiting" thing really needs to be scientifically investigated, in depth.
Do these people, when invited to others houses, stand in the hallways and block everyone? Throw their coats and stuff in the aquarium? Drop their pants and roll naked in the mashed potatoes on the dinner table? And when questioned and/or notified the police have been called just say "Well, how was I to know that wasn't allowed? I was JUST VISITING?!"
Anyone out there know how I can get me one of those ridiculous seven figure research grants that are woefully lacking in oversight from above and don't require transparency to study it?
Back By Popular Demand, Fake Permits
A recent revamp in the permits used by the major 3 reality conglomerates here that have seen them moving away from hangtags for the rearview and towards stickers for windows, (a cash-grab as they realize that you can't transfer them from car-to-car and will have to buy more if you're a conspiracist) means fewer fakes.
Even the most intrepid of scofflaws knows that creating a passable phony of a sticker is a lot harder than a cardstock cutout.
But don't worry, football season brings out the best of the worst, and you get people who try it anyway. I had several Fakey McFakefaces this time round, which led to several Yoinky McYoinkersons of the car in question.
Now, let us review where they went wrong.
1. Sorry, Not Stupid
This wasn't a fake, per se. It was a legit permit, once upon a time, before it was defiled.
See, you HAD a valid Global Domination Reality temporary permit at one point, back in July.
Temporaries are still the old style cardstock hangers.
It expired at the end of the month.
"Oh Snap" you must've thought "Now what do I do? I could pay $20 to get a new one, or, just grab this felt tip marker and draw a line diagonally across that "7" in "Expires 7 - 20 - 17" and make an "8" out of it and now it's good until August!"
Well, August also came and went as of a week ago. And you apparently realized that a bit too late. What to do, what to do now? What to do?
Well, you could still pay $20 to get a new one, or, you could kinda box in the "8" so it would look like a "0" with a slash through it like on old Apple computer screens, and then squeeze a "1" in there to the left, and presto! You now have a permit that expires "10-20-17"!
In you mind.
Unfortunately to me, all those, ahem, modifications were pretty darn obvious.
Yoiks! And awaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.........
That was Friday.
Saw you back in the next Monday night, with a fresh, new, LEGIT permit good until 9-20-17, issued by GDR.
Guess whoever released the car back to you was a good sport and didn't call GDR and have you put in the "radioactive cobalt" file where they eternally refuse to touch you, get within 40 yards of you, or give you a new permit until the sun expands and envelops the Earth.
That was a long, circuitous and expensive path you took just to end up back where you started, but hey, they say giving it the ol' College try (in this case, literally) builds character.
I can't wait to see what kind of character you grow up to be..... hopefully the animated kind that attracts falling anvils and lit canisters of TNT.
2. Sorry, Not Colorblind, either.
This also wasn't a fake, per se, but the INTENT was there.
Let's see...a sea of grey mirror-hanging permits filling the lot from end to end, and you showed up with a pink from last year/semester, probably excavated from your friend's garbage can? (And, you parked in the wrong spot for it, that complex has "A" and "B" lots, and they do NOT let the two mix, even if it HAD been current you still would've gone)
[Sideshow Bob]Neughghghghhghgh......[/Sideshow Bob]
At what point did that seem like a good idea? Before or after the 5th beer and/or untreated head trauma of the afternoon?
I know this property doesn't put expiration dates on their permits, but, you clearly should've considered that there's a reason they all suddenly changed color and why your friend THREW THEIRS AWAY. And why there's a big LETTER on that permit? And big LETTERS on SIGNPOSTS at the entrance to the lot you went in, letters that did NOT match yours?!
Oh, who am I trying to kid?
You probably don't get causality.
You're probably one of those people that assumes the bad things that just constantly happen to them are totally the fault of mystical and unknowable forces acting completely beyond their control.
That your path in through the cosmos is determined by gusts of invisible and undetectable ether that blow you like a leaf from place to place in the universe, and not your own free will.
Do people like this think their life is like the weather? Whatever happens happens and they shall never have agency? Like, they wake up, look out the window, see the rising sun and say "Huh, must be morning", see rain, and say "Huh, must be raining" and then they notice the steel bars on the window and say "Huh, must've been arrested again"? I really wanna know.
Oh, and icing on the crap sundae, we ran the car though the ticket database when we got it back to the lot, $50 in unpaid delinquent fines on record. Cha-ching.
Coincidentally they were from the street right outside that apartment complex. Yep, in trying to avoid a parking ticket by sneaking off the street, he got towed.
Well, I'll give him a half-point for at least TRYING to problem solve. A lot of folk these days won't even do that and will actually call tech support and wait on hold while the locomotive is bearing down on them instead of just stepping off the tracks. And that will be sad. Because the last mortal thing you do on this planet should NEVER be listening to a static-laden Elton John song with the lyric track removed.
3. Sorry, Not Filling My Eyes, With That Double Vision.
Consider that possibly the WORST kind of permit to simply feed into a scanner and pump out cheap copies of are the ones issued by the guy at Angry Greek Reality.
Angry Greek Reality is owned by, well, an Angry old Greek guy who I think really hates his tenants and only rents to them so he can legally abuse them with draconian rules and regulations and skinflint spending that would make one wonder if it would take the Jaws of Life to get his wallet open.
As such, he has the cheapest parking permits in town.
About 3'' by 3'', blue construction paper, run through a laminator and the only thing they say, in 30 point font, dead-center, is:
PARKING
PERMIT #1
PERMIT #1
That's it, no complex name, no reality name, no phone numbers, vehicle info, decorative flourishes, nothing. Just one word and a serial number. These just scream out for forgery attempts with their simplicity...
And someone heeded the call.
Twice.
There were THREE number 5 permits in that lot last night. All in a row.... two fakes right alongside the legit original gangsta....
HOW you thought I wouldn't notice that I don't know. Let alone how you thought I wouldn't notice that since you didn't laminate your paper, the surfeit of rain we've been having around here lately means the ambient moisture made them curl up like bacon in a frying pan...
Naturally, they got towed
Naturally, they were amazed their plan didn't work.
Naturally, they had to surrender the "permits" before they were released back into the pond.
Naturally, they wanted to know what we were going to do with them.
Normally, we round file them, or give them to Spitzilla, who has a scrapbook at home of the many collected fakes over the years.
But, we might of, maybe, kinda sorta MAY have told them we turn them into Angry Greek and it's up to him if he thinks they merit fraud charges in civil court or a lifetime suspension of parking privileges for not only you, but the person who had the original.
Hey, don't look at me like that!
You pull a stunt like this going into a Friday evening, there's no good reason you shouldn't sweat bullets and think about what you did wrong all weekend long and fret about how bad you dun screwed the pooch....
Kids SHOULD fear the reprecussions of lying.
Adults like me should ENJOY it.
A Perfect No Hitter
Nope, not the 27 up 27 down kind. It was much more impressive.
As in the car the cops just pulled over had a driver with:
No Registration
No Insurance
No State Safety/Emissions Inspection
No License
Yes, it was impounded.
Who knew the quadruple play was a thing?
I wondered what kind of person would do this, since the driver was long gone by the time I got there.
I Googled "mentally deficient scofflaw" when I got home, but the first hit is a site reviewing old Seinfeld episodes, and NOT his portrait, to much disappointment.
Boy, it will take a long time before someone can outdo THAT much stupidity.
Except it won't.
Barely 3 nights later, someone else did the SAME thing.
The cops pull over a guy for:
No Registration
No Insurance
No State Safety/Emissions Inspection
No License
AAAAAAAAAAANNNDDD.........drum roll please............
DUI.....
Quintuple play.....
Just when you think nature can't POSSIBLY invent a better idiot, you are reminded that even ramen noodles have instructions on the packet telling you to take them OUT of the plastic before eating.....
Somedays, I wonder, would it be that bad, really THAT bad, to live under a power-mad despot who orders summary executions for the most minor of slights? I understand my chance of getting put up against a wall and shot for snoring too loud would increase substantially, but whatever percentage it does go up, it would SURELY go up five-fold for people like this who don't even have ONE of the 4 pieces of paper they need to drive... right? Sure, it may be a shock to see your first jackboot facial or bullet riddled corpse on the corner... but I think you'd get used to it... Am I bad person for even thinking about this?
Because that DUI and no papers guy?
He got pulled over IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION as he was driving by.....
You Don't Have to Make it Worse.
Really, you don't.
You want to learn how to juggle? You can start with Nerf balls, and not steak knives coated in ebola virus. That's completely up to you.
Conversely, if you've gotten nabbed for illegal parking, because you broke the law, it can stay our little secret, you don't HAVE to call the cops...on yourself and tell them you broke the law and are looking to make this a major civil issue.
Like, let's say, your car was called in to us for a tow.
Mainly because it doesn't have a permit, but the major contributing factors also seem to be that significant amount of rear end damage and the fact it has no license plates.
The maintenance man cutting the grass at that complex noticed it, knew it wasn't there yesterday and figured someone had abandoned an unwanted car by dumping it on his property. So he called us.
Well, we get halfway through loading it when you came running out of the building and demanded to know what was up. Answer - your car! Haw haw! $95 for a drop right now.
Well, at that juncture, you could pay the $95 and skedattle and absolutely no one would know except you me and any bored NSA agents monitoring us from a silent drone aircraft at 20,000 feet.
Nope, that'd be too easy, you instead threatened to call the cops on us because you were "just visiting" *sigh* and those prices you were quoted "don't sound right".
Well, it's a free country (for you for at least the next 15 minutes anyway if you make that phone call), but, consider that the drop fee is a bargain, as it's $130 for a tow to impound. And when the cops get here, they will tell you that yes, that is the price, and once you pay for a drop, you must immediately move the car. Seeing as you have no plates and a smashed rear end meaning smashed and non-functioning brake lights, the cops when they get here may not LET you move that car, you know, plates and brake lights being REQUIRED for that, and you may end up having no choice but to take the full tow.
You don't have to do this the hard way...
But you doodit the it the hard way.
He called the cops.
The cops showed up and after informing him that yes, you do need a permit, and yes, those fees quoted were correct, and yes, you will have to move the car immediately if you pick the "drop" instead of "impound" option, they asked exactly what he was doing driving around a damaged car with no license plates....
Warned ya.
He hems and haws a bit, the officer says he didn't quite catch that... he mumbles something noncommittal..
The cop point blank asks him where his plates are.
"They're in my, uh, buddies place"
You drove over here, and took the plates off.... and took them INSIDE his apartment? asks the cop.
Uh... yeah? Says the guy.
The cop gives him that look that says "You're full of bleep, and you know you're full of bleep, and I know that you know that I know you're full of bleep, so I better see nothing but compliance from here on out" and the guy agrees to pay for the drop and the cop agrees to let him move the car at least to the curb for free. But from there, if he sees it on the roads with no plates just once, he can fully expect to be instantly pedestrianized.
You're lucky the cops like the easy option most of the time too... less paperwork for them, but I doubt he's really learned anything.
I Get Your Customers Too
This entry is a crossover event with the kind of customer base pests the rest of you retail drones out there are all too familiar with.
While 90% of my customer base makes complaints you'll likely never hear I.E. -"You stole my Mercedes!" I still get some of the same standardized sucky customers you do, just distorted a tad through the odd funhouse mirror that is my job.
Like how an animated version of Jerry Reed or the Harlem Globetrotters would inexplicably show up in an old Scooby Doo episode. It's recognizably them, but in weirdly different circumstances.
Particularly, I also get the "You know how much I spend?!" customer. The one that feels since they spend a LOT of money with your business (i.e. five bucks once), you can just waive all those pesky rules about coupon limits and return policies and the like as it's better to be treated like dirt than lose all the BOJILLIONS of dollars they could bring (allegedly) to the company.
Yeah, Spitzilla had a lady flip out on him for telling her she couldn't park in a lot if she didn't have a permit for it. Why? Because her KID goes to college in this town, and given how much she PAYS for tuition, she can come visit her ANYTIME SHE LIKES and park ANYWHERE SHE WANTS! And if she comes back and her car is gone? SHE IS CALLING THE POLICE!!! Yes, she apparently melted down to the point she thought displeasing her was a criminal matter....
According to him, he got the middle-fingers akimbo treatment too. Now, a couple of clarifying points.
1. She came up to him and ASKED him first, he was parked and doing paperwork.
2. He didn't say "you can't park there" he said "I don't know who owns that lot. But if the owner of the lot calls you in for a tow, you'll be towed and there's nothing I can do about it" Basically said as nicely as possible that "you are own your own".
3. It wasn't even OUR parking lot, we researched it back at the base and the property in question belongs to "Other Guys Towing"
4. If you didn't intend to follow the rules, what are you doing even ASKING?!
And while Spitz was having his hassle from Megalomania Mom at one end of town, I was on the other side getting my ears chewed by Defensive Dad who demanded to know why I was towing his car.
"Doesn't have a permit" I said "and it needs one to park here, permit-only lot"
"I have one!" he insisted.
"Where? I can't find it"
"Over there!" - and he's pointing to the permit on the window of, another car
..
"Sir, permits are only good for one car, the car they are in, they don't cover multiple vehicles. If there is no permit in this car right now, it's a drop or a tow"
"What? You tellin' me that for how much I spend on rent for my kid, I have to get a permit for MY car too?!"
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."
On the outside.
Inside, you don't WANT to know the words I'm using to describe you, but they aren't very flattering.
The Phantom Employee
Well, those "I pay a LOT" customers were fun (like an enema on a cold morning), how about another one with significant Venn Diagram overlap? The one who swears up and down and up and down and up again that some employee said it was okay for them to get freebies for life or ignore the sale limit, but this supposed employee can never be named nor found on any shift?
Surprise! We get that one too!
This person first graced our doorstep Friday night when they got towed for parking in a private lot without a permit.
They came for the car Saturday morning and left, $130 lighter in the purse.
The next night, Saturday, they were back in the same lot, still without a permit, and got towed again.
When they came in for it, again, Sunday morning, they were a little bit livid.
According to them when they got towed the first time, one of our employees told them they could only be towed ONCE per weekend. Seeing as that employee had clearly lied, they shouldn't be held responsible for ANOTHER $130 worth of tribute.
Heh, good one....nobody here would say that. But, humor us, who was it?
You don't remember their name? That's funny, seeing as we all have jackets with our name right on the pocket. But why don't you describe this person to us?
They had a beard "down to their belt". That sounds like the front man for ZZ Top, but nobody who works here. We only have one guy with a beard, Doc, but his is only down to his neck since it would get in the way of his fishing rod casting otherwise. So nope, doesn't sound like him, but continue... what else did he look like?
He was a "younger older guy"
And was that your final answer? Oh, sorry, and how much did you wager?
Doc is CLEARLY an "older younger" guy So it was most assuredly not him. You lose, good day Sir. But rest assured we'll be on the lookout for any "younger older" guys impersonating our employees, just so we can figure out what in the hell a "younger older" guy actually would LOOK like. Is it like a "skinny fat" person? Or maybe a "shorter tall" person?
Yes, the door is in fact, to your left, you can leave now.
Thanks 21st Century....
You didn't bring us flying cars, cities on the Moon, or disintegrator rays that make that "bew bew bew bew bew" sound as they disintegrate. But you at least did make it possible for people to access the Borough's entire ordinance database online from a phone.
Ironically, while you may have thought this would encourage more compliance by the public, it has had the opposite effect.
Now, EVERY Tom, Dick and Harry goes home, reads the ordinances, and, the same brilliant mind that didn't understand the "No Parking" sign now thinks they're up to fully dissecting a legal statute and are SURE they've got the "gotcha!" moment that will get them a full refund, a balloon, and the severed head of their tower of choice....
And you get return customers like, this kid.
This Kid wandered into the office this afternoon and had a brief yet poignant discourse with Towing Manager.
This Kid - Hey, uh, you like, illegally towed me the other day.
Towing Manager - Doubt it, but I'll double-check, let me see that receipt, says here you were towed for being in a private lot without a permit. Called in to us at 5 pm, towed at 5:49 pm, well beyond the Borough 15 minute limit, so, what's the problem.
- The ordinance says that only property owners can authorize towing, and I didn't authroize anything.
- You aren't the property owner
- I... I live there, so yes I am
- No, you are a tenant. You rent, you do not own.
- Well, I sent it to my Mom, and she's a real estate lawyer, and she says that I am the owner under the law.
- She's wrong
- You... you don't have to get beligerent wiht me.
- I'm not, I'm just trying to keep you from wasting more time with this than you already ahve, you are not the property owner, you are a tenant, you don't get to decide who gets towed, the owner does.
- But, my Mom said
- Fine, I'll see her in court and the Judge can tell her she's wrong if she won't believe me.
- I'm.... I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but, she said...
- Sir, I've been doing this for 14 years, I know the ordinance inside and out, and I've never once lost in court, but if she wants to meet me there, that's' fine. Now if you have nothing else you can leave.
And he did.
So, it's actually come to this.... a Real Estate lawyer that doesn't GET the difference between "owner" and "tenant". Really? REALLY?
Sobering how many good men died on a bloody beachhead in France for THIS to be our future, isn't it?
Speaking of future:
You know, perhaps it's for the best that progress has yet to put flying cars, the moon or disintegrator rays in the hands of people like that kid.
And now, I have a mental image of said kid, stuffed in the back of a flying squad car, being flown off to the lunar supermax prison for booking and whining uselessly to the two stone-faced android cops in the front seat: "but my Mom said I could disintegrate that building......"
Android Cop 1 - Query, when are these kids ever going to learn Lou?
Android Cop 2 - Affirmative, when?
Why Communism Still Has Fans
Another confused soul called in looking for their car, but were unable to tell us the make, model or location it was towed from, all they knew was "it was white".
Well, after some minor detective work, we were able to determine we had it.
Here's the rub.
It was a Jaguar XK, this is a car with an MSRP of over $80,000 with the right equipment.
You dropped nearly six figures on a car, and don't even know what MAKE it is?
I could understand not knowing the brand of every pair of shoes you own, or not remembering who made your tv set, but a luxury sports car? Really?
How did you simultaneously get that rich AND that stupid?
Or, are you rich BECAUSE you were stupid and sued someone for failure to anticipate your stupidity?
Okay, out with it, which warning label out there ARE you responsible for?
The one on the tube of Preparation H that says "do not take orally" or the one on all the gas pumps that say "motor fuel only, do not ingest"? Because I.... HEY....
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT PLASTIC BAG WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU, DUMMY!!!
When the Martians finally get their act together and invade, people like you are the reason I'm just going to throw up my hands and say "I'm not with them" and take my chances.....
And speaking of communism.......
In Soviet Russia Building Own You!
*Ring*
-Friendly Neighborhood Towing, you squeal we steal, how can we help you?
-There's a car in my space at 121 Nowhere Street
-I'm not familiar with that address Sir, whose property is that?
-Mine, I live here.
-So it's your house?
-No, it's an apartment.
-Okay, and who do you rent from?
-121 Nowhere
-No, I mean, who runs that apartment complex? Who is your landlord?
-I don't have one.
-If it's an apartment, you do, is this an apartment or is this your private residence?
-Apartment!
-Okay, then who do rent from? A person or a company?
-121 Nowhere
-But who are you RENTING from Sir?
-The building!
-I don't think you understand what I'm asking, who owns that building?
-121 Nowhere Street!
-I get where you are, Sir, but who is the manager of that property? That is what I'm trying to figure out, because I'm not familiar with it.
-Me!
-You own the property? You have a deed to the building?
-No
-Then who does, who... are... you... RENTING... from?
-The building!
-Sir, do you write a check for the rent each month?
-Yes!
-ANd when you do, whose NAME is on the check?
-THE BUILDING!!!!
-Sorry, we can't help you then *CLICK*
Amazingly, he never called back. It's also amazing how the stupid around here gets so thick sometimes, you could cut it with a knife and spread it on your toast.
I Do Not Think That's The Word You Were Looking For
Sector Seven Townhomes are one of my least favorite places to tow from. They don't have a maintenance guy, or a lot monitor, we have to go in and check the cars ourselves. For some reason, management saw fit to give their tenants 2 by 2 INCH stickers with "7" on them, and that's it. These are frustratingly hard to find since people will stick them in the oddest of places, and you don't realize just how much glass is IN an SUV until you're forced to check every single inch of it in the dark and the rain looking for what amounts to a single lego brick.
And if that wasn't enough to ruin your day, this place has the most maladjusted and paranoid tenants I've ever met. I guarantee no sooner do you click on a flashlight and start checking for permits than the screams and howls of "prowler" and "I'm calling the cops!" start raining down from the balconies.
Yeah, prowlers drive big noisy trucks, with the PHONE NUMBERS they can be reached at painted on the doors.
It reached it's zenith, that's for sure. Because the last time I was in there trying to find one of those microscopic permits I had a man run out of the building and confront me, because to him, a guy like me, shining a flashlight into cars at 1 in the morning and making notations on a metal clipboard is clearly a "_____________________"
Go on, fill in the blank..... I'll wait.....
Done?
Bet you $300 you didn't use the word he did.
He said I was clearly a pedophile.....
That stunned me for a second so he repeated it a few times, just so I got the point "are you a pedohpile? you look like pedohpile to me!" Well call the cops then dude, I get paid by the hour, I'll wait.
He declined and when I told him I'd be hooking up the car in the next ten seconds (it was his and had no permit) he rapidly left, kinda anticlimactic, but seriously man, do you even KNOW what that word means?
Well, in his defense, it wasn't an 18 year old car....
Not Our Circus Not Our Monkeys
*Ring*
Hello, Friendly Neighborhood Towing, The rotten crooks with rusty hooks. how can we help you?
You want a car towed out of your parking lot because it's been there all day, okay, where are you?
Crazy Omar's Gas N Go? 1200 S Monkey St? Sorry Sir, that's not our lot.
I mean that's not our lot, we don't provide the towing for that business, you'll need to call Other Guys Towing or Crazy Hillbilly Towing, or whoever it is that services that lot.
Yes I'm sure, I drive by that place all the time, our signs are not up there.
Okay, fine, I'll drive by again and check.
No, I'm not towing the car, I'm just going to check.
*CLICK*
*DRIVE*
*REDIAL*
Okay Sir? I just drove by Crazy Omar's, and the signs say "Crazy Hillbilly Towing" so you'll have to call them.
Yes, you have to, I can't tow out of another company's lot, that is against Borough regulations.
No, there is nothing I can do for you tonight.
*CLICK*
*RING*
Hello, Friendly Neigh.... uh, please don't cut me off, Sir, it's rude, now, what did you need?
You say you called Crazy Hillbilly and he says he doesn't do towing anymore? Well, that's not surprising, I thought he got out of that a few years back when the Borough hiked the insurance rates, I think he only does motor clubs now.
No, I still can't tow for your, his signs are still up, if you want us to do that lot we need to take his signs down and replace them with ours and wait a full 24 hours before we can remove that vehicle.
Well, if it's gone by then, then it's gone, there's nothing I can do tonight sir, you'll have to talk to Towing Manager Monday.
No, Monday
Monday, Sir
You have a good night, Sir.
*CLICK*
*WAIT*
*RING*
Friendly Neighborhood Towin... Sir.... Sir.... Sir, what do you mean "When are we going to get there, you've been waiting an hour?" We aren't.
No
We've been over this before, we can't send a truck until our signs are up. No, we did not say we'd be "right over" we said "talk to Towing Manager" now if you call back one more time before Monday, we're blocking this number. Good night.
*CLICK*
Ironic, you spend that much time calling me, you'd think you'd at least LISTEN. And yet, if I drilled a hole in Crazy Omar's head to let the sap out and maybe help him HEAR better, I'd be the one going to jail.
Tain't no justice in the world these days.
The Dreaded Junior Lawyer
I'd rather tow a plague doctor's car that's still covered in fresh human bile than one with the most dreaded of things on it:
The law school license plate frame...
Because you know what that means. You've got a proto-lawyer on your hands. The very worst kind.
Not smart enough to know the law like a full-fledged attorney, but still willing to lie like one.
Hey, I've been through Jury selection three times, trust me, they all lie. The GOOD ones just tell slightly more believable lies. As in they try to pin their client's criminal behavior on bad parenting instead of simply having a bad reaction to prescription pain meds.... but I digress.
And yes, he did try and lie his way out of the tow.
First he contended that he lived where he got towed from (never saw that car before, and ever since, it's been in the street, looks like your GIRL lives there, counselor, not you) A lie, but also irrelevant even the residents need permits. Worth nothing (and nothing) that he repeated this three times before I told him "We can do this all night, answer's going to be the same"
Then he contended you didn't actually need permits. (so why did every other car but yours have one?)
Next it was on to accusations of theft (Call the cops then, but you can't, this is a civil matter, not criminal)
Then it was refusal to sign the credit card receipt (changed his tune when I said no signature? No Car)
And we wrapped it all up with a declaration that he intended to reverse/contest the charge on his card as soon as he left. (pretty sure that's illegal, but he won't get anywhere, I hear this threat all the time and to my knowledge it's never been successful. I could've been a real dick at that point and said cash only)
Okay, so in about 4 minutes time we tallied four lies, one noncompliance and a declaration of intent to commit fraud. That score sound right, Judges?
You got a future in this biz kid. Not a bright one, but a future nonetheless.
He also wanted to know who he should complain to about the parking rules.... That's right, the future lawyer doesn't know who to call when he has an issue with.... legal regulations.
Man I sure landed in a bleak timeline back when they assigned everyone a reality to reside in, didn't I?
Why couldn't I have gotten the cool one where freak workplace accidents give you superpowers instead of possible third degree burns? Or Teddy Roosevelt won the Spanish-American War in a 10-story tall steam-powered combat mecha called "The Big Stick" ? Why'd it have to be THIS lousy one?
Do You Understand the Words That Are Commin' Outta' my Mouth?!
Apparently not.
Daddykins came in the other day to save his dumbass kid from the small matter of a very large bill.
Seems his kid had a sudden rush of crap to the brain back at the beginning of the month and never put the parking permit he bought from Wrong Side of the Tracks Reality IN his car.
And just now noticed it was missing.
That bill was, substantial. More than the ol' beer fund could afford, so Daddy was called and he drove in to settle it up.
Before leaving, he indicated to us that since he drove all the way up here from his home town, he'd like to ..... oh no..... no.... here it comes......
Just Visit
[brass flourish] Dun dun duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh![/brass flourish]
Would it be okay for him to park at his Son's apartment?
Nope, Towing Manager says, without a permit you might get towed just like, well, your son did.
Well, what about out in the street? Dad asks.
Towing Manager says, verbatim: "you'd have to call the police department and see it that's legal, it may not be during football weekends"
Dad leaves.
An hour later Dad's back.
Well, he's not back, his CAR is.
Yes, he parked IN the lot, where his son just got towed from for no permit, with no permit and.. well... there's sort of a grim inevitability about the course of events now, isn't there?
Yes he was angry with us for towing him because he was "just unloading" and "manager said I could park there!"
Wait, first of all: "Just unloading"? For an HOUR? What were you unloading? Pianos? Unloading means you chuck out a suitcase or two and that's it, it doesn't mean you park and leave the car unattended in a regular space for an hour.
But Towing Manager told him it was okay!? No, just no! No, nein, non, nyet and ohnay ayway you oopidsay urkjay....
Towing Manager almost, ALMOST loses it, but, through gritted teeth tells Dad: "Sir, I NEVER once said for you to park in that lot, you asked where you SHOULD park and I said "Call the Police Department" , how you got this wrong I have no idea.
So Daddy forked over some extra cash to go with that extra large wad of cash he'd already paid earlier in the day, and left.
I'm with Towing Manager on this one, how DID he cross his neurons that badly? I'm not leaving anything out, I was there when he said it. He said "call the cops" not "park wherever ya darn please".
This is like your friend Bob saying "man, I'm tired of being broke" and you tell him "Target is hiring seasonal work" and he says "Great!" and runs off, only to call you an hour later from the police station demanding bail because he was just arrested for robbing the Target "just like you said"
Well, that certainly explains why his kid is such a colossal fark wad when it comes to not f*cking up parking, look who he had as a teacher...
Book em Lou, one count of failure to adult, one count accessory to failure to adult.
It's a City Not a Commune
Why'd I get towed? I was just visiting.
You didn't have a permit for that lot.
Whaddaya mean "permit"?
The property owner only lets people park there who have bought parking from him.
Whaddya mean "owner"?
The guy who owns the building, it's his private property, he decides who uses it.
Private property?!
Yes
You mean even in the MIDDLE OF A CITY there's PRIVATE PROPERTY???!?!?
...
...
...
Yes.
Now, please pay and leave quickly, I'm still too proud to break down weeping DIRECTLY in front of my future caretakers when I'm shipped off to the home. And I don't fancy my chances of surviving my first night at this rate.....
Aaaaaaaaand.... sleep.
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