The Subspecies of "Humanity"

[Jay 2K Winger]

((This is, admittedly, similar to the Canonical Lists, but I'm attempting to have fun with it in a different manner. Feel free to join in!))

There are many varieties of Sucktomers and Co-Irkers out there. Let's catalog them!

Verbalis extremis - aka the "Warbling Chatterbox." This species is known for their nigh incessant song. Although it was initially assumed to be intended to attract potential mates, more recent studies have determined that the Warbling Chatterbox merely likes the sound of its own voice.

Crumens fecalis infernis - aka the "Flaming Douchebag." This species is known for its harsh and often provocative treatment of all other forms of life, up to and including members of its own kind. Studies have shown that the Flaming Douchebag performs these actions in an attempt to inflate its own sense of self-worth, by making other species appear inferior to it.

Larcenis minisculis - aka the "Sticky Fingers." This species has a love of "shiny" things, although its definition of "shiny" does not always correlate to luminosity. The Sticky Fingers is known for picking up small trifles that do not belong to it and attempting to leave the vicinity. If confronted, the Sticky Fingers attempts to make itself appear more threatening by making loud noises and remonstrating the one confronting it. It is also equally likely that the Sticky Fingers will, when spotted in the midst of its pilfering, attempt to flee the area at speed.

What other species have been spotted out there?

[Cole's Law]

Auditorius Negativus[I] -aka "extreme selective hearing". The ears on this species evolved primarily to keep sunglasses from falling off their face. As such, their ears seem unable to hear certain words. Although research on this species is limited, scientists have determined that account numbers, item numbers, sale prices, and the words "closed", "some", and "excludes" all fall in the dead zone of this species' hearing.

[MoonCat]

Oblivious Universalis - Found pretty much everywhere. Appears no different from the population at large, but has hidden deficiencies of hearing and eyesight which makes it completely unaware of all other humans in the vicinity. Has been known to walk into other people even when they are directly in front of the Oblivious; always looks startled when this occurs.

[Zapper]

Shitius Dimensionous - a subspecies of humanity that displays an uncommon talent for dispersing fecal matter to both walls and ceiling, demonstrating an abstract artistic quality in its arrangement; this subspecies has found a way to clearly mark its territory

Squakious Reediculous - an increasingly common subspecies known for periods of intense vocal exercise, which can last in excess of thirty minutes or more; this breed's insistence on finishing its song causes it to gradually increase its volume to drown out background noises

Coloumbius Quixotian - the internal navigational instincts of this subspecies are deficient compared to the rest of the species at large; often convinced they are in one specific location when intact they are far from their target destination

Herpus Derpus - the reptilian brain in this subspecies causes the individuals to carve out a very large spawning ground, often overlapping with population areas and common grounds such as watering holes; this subspecies, an offshoot of the Cretin prehistoric human species, prefers to offer mating displays to females who cannot forcefully reject them publicly, as they belong to an organized hierarchy that is disapproves of emotional reactions from its members

[Kristev]

Chamaeleon: This group appears to be nice at first, even temporarily friendly and certainly quiet, but when displeased by reality, their true colors come out.

Supplices credentis: This group doesn't have enough intelligence or willpower to believe in what they believe in, so when a stronger force comes on, they will turn over their already weak thought processes to them. The mismanger type known as Corporate Cultist is an example of this type, but it is also seen in people who have no opinions on important matters. (This is different from people whoare accumulating scientific data or waiting for all the evidence, as those people tend to be the patient, but well-informed type.)

Imperator: This group thinks they are in the military and treats other people as if they are privates, or less than the Imperator, or than the non-Imperator are and worthy of being ordered around, especially when the Imperator is incorrect. They are known to infest college campuses, frequently making attempts to disrupt the teacher if the teacher has more knowledge on a subject than the Imperator does.

Maturitatem deest: This group is simply childish, lacking all maturity. Though most frequently seen in the United States, they are unfortunately to be found everywhere. They are overgrown babies, prone to temper tantrums. Look for their teenage children, who are either as bad as they are, or have taken over parental responsibilities.

[Marmalady]

Ravenus larcenius - Infests supermarkets and grocery departments. Hard to spot feeding, but leaves evidence of its behaviour everywhere - opened and ripped packets of biscuits, crisps, pies, sweets etc with half the contents missing.

Ravenus impatiens - Related to the above, but does actually take the empty drink bottle / candy wrapper / crisp packet to the till, thrusting it at the cashier before its well-known song is heard - 'I got hungry, you can scan that before you put it in your bin'.

[ShadowTiger]

I don't even know what name to give this one, but it can spray its droppings up the wall all the way to the ceiling.

Evolution at its finest, people.

[Jay 2K Winger]

I don't even know what name to give this one, but it can spray its droppings up the wall all the way to the ceiling.

Evolution at its finest, people.

Shitius Dimensionous - a subspecies of humanity that displays an uncommon talent for dispersing fecal matter to both walls and ceiling, demonstrating an abstract artistic quality in its arrangement; this subspecies has found a way to clearly mark its territory

Recent discourse among scientists have advocated reclassifying this species as Fecalis expressivus.