I don't want to be polyamorous!!! (Kind of NSFW)

[hinakiba777]

Alright so this happened last week, but I needed a few days to sort it out in my brain. As well, I wanted to see if anything else was going to happen before I shared the story. If you want to skip the background stuff, the actual story is had a blue title before it.

Background on Hina- I don't date. I never had a serious relationship. Never had Sex. Kissed two male people in my life. (One at 17 and the other at 22) I am 100% straight, though. I don't find women attractive in the slightest. I have tried, they just don't do it for me at all. Honestly, I think vaginas are gross. The reason I don't date is not totally by choice. I just lucked out with being the kind of girl who doesn't get approached with the kind of friends who's advice on dating is always "Let the guy come to you." So I don't know how to approach guys I'm attracted to, so I don't date. The few men who have shown interest in me, always end up being the kind of guy who wants to fuck me through a sheet, or with a pig mask on his face, or the kind of guy who literally does not understand the word no. (This has been established through conversation over the phone or in a public place, I am not stupid enough to go to a stranger's house alone.)

Now when I was in High School, I didn't really date either, but I kind of had "boyfriends." I grew up in a rural area so most of my friends had boyfriends who were 30 minutes to an hour away. During my time in high school, guys from these places would meet me, get my number from my friend, and then call and ask to be my boyfriend. We would never hang out or anything during the time they were my "boyfriend", but they would claim the title. I always thought it was hilarious. Like one guy I went out with Paul lived SEVEN hours away from me and wanted to have an open relationship. What was the point? If he wanted to date girls in his hometown, why not just break up with me. I ended up dumping Paul after he "accidentally" slept with his ex-girlfriend, a fact I would have been totally unaware of if he himself had not called me to tell me this. I think maybe I was just really good at phone sex, so guys didn't want to actually date me, but they enjoyed the call time. Pretty much all of these things ended with the guy meeting someone in real life and either "cheating" on me or just dumping me. Amongst my "boyfriends" was my friend Leon, who I had a "relationship" with when I was 15 or 16. Our relationship ended when I decided that in order for me to be dating someone, we had to actually hang out in the real world, and kiss and stuff. I stick to that rule to this day.

Background on Leon- So Leon and I became friends when we were both 12. We met on a message board that a mutual friend of ours introduced me to, before introducing me to Leon. We became pretty good friends. I used to spend my allowance on calling cards (a the time before Skype) and call him. He lived in the Southern States, while I was up in Canada. It was a lot of fun. Then around the time we were 15 or 16, he started telling me he liked me. Which, of course, led to phone sex. I used to make up elaborate sexy stories and tell them to him, or we would just have normal phone sex. It was kind of nice. However, by the time I was midway though grade 11, I realized that we had to stop. Part of it was due to the expense, but it was mostly because I felt weird having some boy in the Southern States as my "boyfriend". The other thing is that Leon is bi polar, on top of some other issues. So he spent a lot of time in his teens going of his meds, or going to mental hospitals because he was off his meds. Plus he used to do this really scary creepy old man voice sometimes when we were n the phone, because he thought it was funny that it scared me. Often it scared me to tears, and depending on how stable he was it would either upset him greatly, or amuse him more.
However, we did stay friends after that, and during my first years of university we were still quite close. Eventually he moved to Hawaii and we didn't talk as much. He met this wonderfully sweet girl Roberta, and they started dating. The two of them eventually got engaged. I was supposed to go to their wedding next summer in Oahu, but I am not sure that I am going now for multiple reasons. One of those reasons is that a short while ago, Roberta learned she was pregnant so she and Leon decided to get married then and there. Though Leon insisted they would still be having the big wedding next spring, but he just didn't want his child to be a bastard. Their daughter was due April 21, but she ended up being born Via C-section April 29. Our story start happened on April 23.

The Story!

So on April 23, 2013, I am hanging out online talking to some friends. I make the decision to go to the grocery store, but just before I can leave I get a message from Leon on Facebook. He tells me that Roberta was upset the other night, and he ended up talking to her about me. About how I was a sweet wonderful girl who was very loving and deserved to be loved. Now I have always thought that Roberta was a nice woman, and Leon and I have been friends a long while, so I just said thank you. Leon goes on for another minute before asking if I can get on AIM or YIM or Skype. So, since it seems important, I get on. He then proceeds to tell me that he has told Roberta all about the stuff he and I used to do online and over the phone when we were teenagers. He said he really cheered her up when she was upset. (He never said why she was upset, but I'm going to assume she was worried or something about the fact the baby still had not come) He then asks if I want to be in a three way relationship with he and his wife. I am shocked, and a little disturbed. However, this is a dear friend of mine, with emotional and mental problems, so I don't want to freak out at him. I don't want him to hurt himself. So I just tell him that I am not the slightest bit attracted to women (I do not mention that I also really no longer find him attractive) and that while I am flattered, I am 100% not interested. He keeps going on about how Roberta would love it, and how it would make them both happy, etc. I just keep saying I am not interested. He says that Roberta is just fine watching, at which point I start thinking that his wife is not interested in this and he is just trying to have his cake and eat it too. So I tell him I'm really not interested, and I need to go to the store.

So he starts to text me. At first still trying to convince me to do this with him. I reiterate about not being interested, and ask how the hell it would even work as I live in the North Atlantic and he lives in the South Pacific. He tells me we would just do it over Skype. Then he starts asking if it's because of the guy I'm dating, and I explain that I don't date etc. He is shocked that I don't have men chasing after me all the time, and again asks me to do this. I get annoyed and tell him he's getting on my nerves, and to just drop it. At which points he asks if I can just tell him some sexy stories like I did when we were teenagers. I tell him no a few times, and he insists. So I tell him I will tell him 1 for every guy I slept with, and remind him that I am a virgin. He points out that I have kissed people, so that must count for something. I tell him to drop it, and he tells me if it helps that his wife really got off on my stories. It really doesn't, as I don't like thinking of women that way. He then explains that I am the only one of his exes that his wife doesn't hate, and I just tell him again to drop it. He then gets quite mopey, and apologetic, and I suddenly feel like the villain.

The following day Roberta messages me. She tells me that she made Leon message me because the stories he told were so sexy, and it really helped her through a time time. She tells me Leon doesn't want me to hate him. I tell her that I don't hate him, I'm just really not interested in what they are asking for and i don't want to talk about it anymore. She tells me that if he gets on my case again, that I should tell her and she will lecture him. Then she reminds me that I am a very sweet beautiful young woman, and if I change my mind the two of them are there.

This whole thing disturbs me on so many levels. First, from the way Leon explained it, it seems that he tried getting his wife to do this with his other exes but she refused. So when she approved of me he kind of went for it. Secondly, no matter how many times I told him that I don't find women attractive he just kept pushing it. Saying things like "It took Roberta a while to realize she likes women" and "She finds you really cute." I am pretty sure he was saying that to entice me, but it just made me feel sick. I do not find him attractive at all anymore, and the idea of doing anything sexual with him and a woman is just gross to me. The fact that he wouldn't take no for an answer made it even more unsettling. Like, once he realized that I wasn't interested in his wife, he just kept trying to push the idea of he and I. A man who doesn't get "No mean no" is in no way attractive. Third, I felt really insulted by it. Here he is happily married with a baby on the way, and I am perpetually single and he just keeps going on about how how he not only has this lovely wife, but how she is allowing him to have an extra lover, so long as she finds the second woman attractive. Even when I told him that I felt like he was mocking me being single, he just kept going on about how he and his wife simply wanted a little weird in the bedroom. Finally, I felt betrayed. When I told Leon those stories when we were teenagers, they were just for he and I. I had no intention of them going beyond those moments. The fact that he took something so intimate between the two of us and felt he could just share it with whoever really hurt. And then for him to casual ask for me to go back to giving him these stories now that we were no longer together, and he was married, it just made those moments feel like they were nothing.

So now I just feel disgusted and hurt and kind of used. I get the sick feeling that the two of them will still keep talking about me sexually together. I'm almost positive either of them will try to broach the subject again in the future. I honestly feel dirty. As much as I hate confrontation, and I would hate to lose a friend that i have had so long. I may just have to tell the two of them to fuck off, and cut them out of my life. Though, I doubt that will stop them from using me for fantasies.

[Victory Sabre]

Neither are true friends. They both, in my opinion, assaulted you in a way, because they wouldn't stop at NO. Block them online. block their phone # on your phone. Get them out of your life. You don't need this bs in your life.

[Seshat]

No means no.

You said no, you meant no. Neither of them has accepted it. Block their phone numbers, block them on facebook, whatever other avenues they try to use to access conversation with you.

If someone doesn't accept a 'no' verbally, I feel like I can't trust them to accept one in any other way either.


That said: you must make the 'no' unambiguous. If you've been saying things that aren't a flat-out no, but - for instance - 'I just don't want to do it with a woman'; well, they might think they're fixing that issue by inviting you to do it with a man.

Instead, you say 'No. I do not want to be involved in your lives sexually at all. No how, no way. If you care about me, you will respect my decision.' Something as blunt as that.

IF they both respect the decision, you MIGHT choose to continue a friendship. That's for you - YOU and not them - to decide, after you recover from the discussion that prompted this post.


As you probably know, I am poly. I believe that my relationship works because we all listen to each other. To each other's desires, lack-of-desires, needs, wants.
Communication in which each person's input is respected is a must, IMO, for any relationship: poly or not.


BTW:
You said in your first paragraph that you don't know how to ask a man out, how to tell him you're interested in him, etc.
My recommendation for meeting a strange man who interests you: "Hello."

Or "Hello. You interest me. Have a coffee with me sometime?" And give him your business card/a personal card. Making cards is inexpensive, and if you only have your mobile phone number and first name on there, you're not easy to trace if things go badly.

Coffee at a cafe is a perfect 'first date' scenario, btw. Even if you don't actually have coffee per se.
It's a public place. If things don't go well, either of you can say 'well, it's been nice, but I have to go back to work now'. Even if you don't.
If things do go well (and you don't have to go to work), you can linger for a while, and then perhaps go to another public place (don't go anywhere private on a first date!).

If you already know them, "Joe - you've been a good friend for a while now. I'm wondering - are you interested in something more intimate?" or romantic, or whatever phrasing suits you. "I'd like to see if we're compatible as lovers." Again, or whatever terminology suits your style.

Basically, you just say it.

[KhirasHY]

Going to echo the "they are not good friends" argument - I don't think there's anything wrong with poly/open relationships, but you said no, and that should have ended it. Period.

That said, I never really think any type of poly relationship is going to work. I've been to a poly wedding before...but I've never been to a poly third anniversary. Which is a dick thing to say, but it also happens to be true.

Also...I can't resist...

[evilfarmer]

First off I am so sorry! My husband and I are Poly by choice with another woman but we have asked before and been told no. We drew back and are now good friends with one of them. Those people are just crass...

:hugs:

[Pixilated]

Throwing my vote in with "Get them out of your life." You said repeatedly you weren't interested and he kept pushing to the point where now you feel like the villain ... which was probably his aim (and possibly hers as well) to begin with: "Get her to feel guilty enough and she'll go along with it."

His mental issues are not your problem and you are not responsible for how he handles rejection. You are responsible for yourself and you don't owe it to anybody, including a longtime friend, to allow yourself to be talked into something you're not comfortable with.

*snip*

Also...I can't resist...

Love the T-shirt!

[Moirae]

I think they just decided it all for you. Stop talking to them. It isn't worth the trouble.

[MoonCat]

You've been too kind so far....tell him to fuck off. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but he is not respecting you anymore. Block their number. You don't want to even have to say "no". The problem with some people is that if you keep answering, even if the answer is "no", they take it as a sign that there's a chance you'll change your mind.

[Cia]

Are you sure you were talking with his wife and not him posing as his wife?

He doesn't understand the word no - drop him like a hot rock; no texting, no phone calls, no Skyping, nada.

[Argabarga]

Drop him completely, he's a creep who doesn't respect the boundaries of others. Just ignore him from here on out, don't answer when he calls, if you do by accident, hang up/disconnect immediately.

To guys like this, ANY communication at all, even if it's a "here's why you need to stop this" letter means "keep going, you might wear her down"

[Kara]

Ditch him. I'm somewhat into various alternative lifestyle aspects, but I'm not poly (I don't share). However, I know people who are and they would never, ever push someone like you (or me) into their lifestyle. I've had offers, I've politely declined saying it's just not for me. And that's that. No harm has been done to any friendships. If he can't respect your boundaries and doesn't understand that no means no, then you absolutely should tell him to fuck off.

[Pixilated]

*snip* The problem with some people is that if you keep answering, even if the answer is "no", they take it as a sign that there's a chance you'll change your mind.

Definitely agree with this. It sounds as if the only way to get him off your back is to ignore him completely. Any future communication is likely to be larded with more arguments, pleas, and attempts at emotional blackmail -- because after all, he knows that what you're really doing is hoping he'll wear you down ...