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Hooray for a day off. Yesterday I felt as though I were being swept away by a Phonetard Tsunami. Not even my lunch was safe. I took a box of the Hot Pocket subs and, upon opening the box, I saw that they have printed "Soft Bread - No Crisping Required" on the wrappers. I pondered this for a moment, because I haven't had one of these in quite some time and didn't recall that being on the wrappers before. Then I realized that the people at Hot Pocket HQ probably had so many complaints from people that there was no crisping sleeve that they had to put a disclaimer on the damn things.
Sigh.
Along with the usual assortment of pain and suffering, today also features a couple of bonus calls from coworkers, since I got some time off the phones to do floor support (which is just answering questions from coworkers and/or taking calls when someone wants to talk to a sup). I plugged into a couple of reps to listen to their calls and provide feedback and, while it seems no one suffers quite like I do, they had a couple of gems to report.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Good, bad, I'm the rep with the gun
CW1 = Coworker 1
CW2 = Coworker 2
Something's amiss
Customer is a 56 year old white man from the midwest. He had a phone replaced and needs his ringtones resent. to the replacement phone.
CW1: Okay, I'll go ahead and send those ringtones to your replacement. Let's see, the first one is....
SM: Uh huh
CW1: Uh, Smack That.
SM: Yeah.
ME: *stifles a giggle*
CW1: And the other one is... Shake That?
SM: Yep.
I mean, to each their own for tastes in music, but this man was the very definition of whitebread.
Logic
SW: I want more minutes for the same price I'm paying now or I'll cancel!
CW1: Well, I see you have XXX minutes in your plan, but you only use about 20 minutes a month. I think a lower plan would be much better.
SW: No, I don't want to lose minutes, then I'll go over!
CW1: But even on the lowest plan we have, you still couldn't possibly come close to -
CW1: If you can't give me more minutes for the same rate, I'll just go to someone else.
There, there, coworker. Don't overload your brain. Trying to do something to help someone almost always ends in disaster.
Me lose brain? Uh oh!
Another coworker call.
SW: My mouth is moving faster than my mou... my, uh, I mean, my mouth is... no. I need coffee.
I'm actually sympathetic to this one. I've had one of those days.
Just Dumb
SW: I want a new phone.
CW2: What kind of phone are you looking for?
SW: I was thinkin maybe one of those razorblade phones. Or a blueberry.
CW2: <MUTE>
Razorblade? Oh God...
SW: Hello?
CW2: Yes, I'm here.
SW: I thought you hung up.
CW2: No, I'm still here.
SW: It got real quiet.
CW2: I had to mute my mic. I, uh, I had to sneeze and I didn't want to do that in your ear.
SW: Oh, okay. Thanks.
ME: <MUTE> You're going to Hell, you know that, right?
*We'll cut the boring stuff out, the customer decided to upgrade her phone, so she did the contract for that. We have an automated system that captures the contract acceptance. My cohort told her to key in her phone number when it prompts her to get started. The first time, it asked her to enter her number and she did nothing at all. So, he reloaded the system after again advising her to punch in her number. This time, she spoke her number.*
CW2: <MUTE> Sigh.
ME: <MUTE> Wow. Double Failure.
CW2:
Okay, now onto my calls:
I Am The Quizmistress
ME: Do you know when you'll be moving?
SW: Do I know? No. The 26th? No.
You might want to figure that out before you wake up one morning to a bunch of guys putting all your furniture in the back of a truck. That could be a bit of a shock.
Sucks To Be You
SM: If you don't fix my email, I'm going to sue you for $20,000!
ME: I see we've been working on the email issue on your blackberry. According to our Tech Support team, there seems to be an issue with your email client you have set with your device. The issue doesn't appear to be on our network but your email host's.
SM: Look, if I don't send this email by midnight, I'm going to miss this business deal and I'll be out $20,000! I want this taken care of, now!
ME: I understand. But-
SM: No you don'! understand! This is going to ruin my business!
ME: And I wish there was something I could do to-
SM: This is unbelievable!
What's unbelievable is that you don't have any other access to your email. Unless you're using the blackberry.net email for your business, which would be incredibly stupid, you should be able to get on your email from any locatoin with an internet connection. If it's your work email, then I imagine the servers are down and if that's anyone's fault, it's most definitely not mine.
Customer 1/2
VERY CLEARLY MALE'S VOICE: Can you transfer me to prepaid?
ME: Sure, just one moment!
*Transfer, I stay on the line (muted) to make sure he gets connected.*
Prepaid Rep: Hi, this is so-and-so, could I have your name please?
VERY CLEARLY FEMALE'S VOICE: Mary.
ME:
By any chance, did you ever go hiking through China and fall in the spring of drowned customer?
One Of Us Is Doing This The Wrong Way
SM: I want a credit for the overage for the last 3 months of service!
ME: O...kay. I do see you've had quite a bit of overage during that time.
SM: Yeah, and you came out with a plan for the same amount that has a lot more minutes and didn't bother to put me on it!
ME: Well, we can't make a change to your plan without your consent.
SM: So you'll just let me go over all these minutes?
ME: Sir, we have millions and millions of accounts. We can't monitor them all at once. We do provide several tools to let you check your minutes for free at any time. We've also been actively promoting our new plan on TV, radio, and the web. Let's go back over the last few months. At any point that you were using those minutes, and you saw that you were over, did you think to call in and see about a larger plan?
SM: I do a quarterly audit of my service, okay? So I only review my account then.
ME: But.... we send you a bill every month.
SM: And I do a quarterly audit!
ME: And we send you a bill every month.
SM: Bottom line: Are you going to give me a credit or not.
ME: No.
SM: Fine, let me talk to your supervisor?
ME: What would this be regarding?
SM: I want a credit!
ME: You can certainly speak to a supervisor, but there won't be any credit given.
I don't know if I was supposed to impressed by his ability to perform a "quarterly audit," but that's the most insane thing I've ever heard. Congratulations, you win! I'll send you a cake. Let me go to the store and get a few things to make it, like some icing and rat poison, I mean, sprinkles, and I'll get that right out to you.
Why The People In Charge Don't Work On The Phone Lines
SM: Give me your CEO right now!
ME: I'm sorry?
SM: I want to talk to your CEO!
ME: What would this be regarding?
SM: I've had this damn thing replaced 8 times and it still doesn't work! And the idiot I just talked to told me to contact Microsoft and pay them $50 to fix the problem.
ME: I see here that you're having a problem synching your Outlook calendar to your device. Unfortunately, it seems to be a software issue with Windows Mobile and we can't fix that, so you'd need to contact Microsoft for a resolution.
SM: This is costing me money! I use this to schedule my appointments, but when I synch it, all my appointments go off an hour after they're scheduled!
ME: I'm definitely sorry about that. If we had any way we could fix it for you, we would. But-
SM: Well, you sold it to me! You fix it!
ME: Right, but we didn't manufacture it. Nor did we design Windows Mobile.
SM: I'm not going to call Microsoft. They charge $50 just to call them.
ME: I'm aware of this. But the only support I can offer is to replace the device, but since the problem is in the software it won't fix anything.
SM: Then give me your CEO.
ME: I'm sorry, our CEO does not work on the phone lines. I can give you his fax #, email address, or mailing address.
SM: You can't expect me to believe that the CEO of a cell phone company doesn't have a phone.
ME: He has a personal phone, of course.
SM: Then give me his cell phone number!
ME: Sir, I can't do that. That's a private number and it isn't even listed in the system. The only contact information I have is fax, email, or regular mail.
SM: You know what? That's fine, that's fine. I have contacts in the TV and radio industry. If your company wants to hide from me, I'll just use my resources to find it.
ME: Sir, we're not hiding from you. I can give you the address of our corporate office.
SM: I'll find you! You'll be sorry! Your whole company is going down! I'm going to make it my life's work to bring you all down!
Well good luck with that. I should warn you, the compound is heavily fortified and if you manage to get past the Dreadnoks, you won't even get to the gate before our Vipers blast you off the face of the earth. COBRAAA!
Sigh.
Along with the usual assortment of pain and suffering, today also features a couple of bonus calls from coworkers, since I got some time off the phones to do floor support (which is just answering questions from coworkers and/or taking calls when someone wants to talk to a sup). I plugged into a couple of reps to listen to their calls and provide feedback and, while it seems no one suffers quite like I do, they had a couple of gems to report.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Good, bad, I'm the rep with the gun
CW1 = Coworker 1
CW2 = Coworker 2
Something's amiss
Customer is a 56 year old white man from the midwest. He had a phone replaced and needs his ringtones resent. to the replacement phone.
CW1: Okay, I'll go ahead and send those ringtones to your replacement. Let's see, the first one is....
SM: Uh huh
CW1: Uh, Smack That.
SM: Yeah.
ME: *stifles a giggle*
CW1: And the other one is... Shake That?
SM: Yep.
I mean, to each their own for tastes in music, but this man was the very definition of whitebread.
Logic
SW: I want more minutes for the same price I'm paying now or I'll cancel!
CW1: Well, I see you have XXX minutes in your plan, but you only use about 20 minutes a month. I think a lower plan would be much better.
SW: No, I don't want to lose minutes, then I'll go over!
CW1: But even on the lowest plan we have, you still couldn't possibly come close to -
CW1: If you can't give me more minutes for the same rate, I'll just go to someone else.
There, there, coworker. Don't overload your brain. Trying to do something to help someone almost always ends in disaster.
Me lose brain? Uh oh!
Another coworker call.
SW: My mouth is moving faster than my mou... my, uh, I mean, my mouth is... no. I need coffee.
I'm actually sympathetic to this one. I've had one of those days.
Just Dumb
SW: I want a new phone.
CW2: What kind of phone are you looking for?
SW: I was thinkin maybe one of those razorblade phones. Or a blueberry.
CW2: <MUTE>
Razorblade? Oh God...SW: Hello?
CW2: Yes, I'm here.
SW: I thought you hung up.
CW2: No, I'm still here.
SW: It got real quiet.
CW2: I had to mute my mic. I, uh, I had to sneeze and I didn't want to do that in your ear.
SW: Oh, okay. Thanks.
ME: <MUTE> You're going to Hell, you know that, right?
*We'll cut the boring stuff out, the customer decided to upgrade her phone, so she did the contract for that. We have an automated system that captures the contract acceptance. My cohort told her to key in her phone number when it prompts her to get started. The first time, it asked her to enter her number and she did nothing at all. So, he reloaded the system after again advising her to punch in her number. This time, she spoke her number.*
CW2: <MUTE> Sigh.
ME: <MUTE> Wow. Double Failure.
CW2:
Okay, now onto my calls:
I Am The Quizmistress
ME: Do you know when you'll be moving?
SW: Do I know? No. The 26th? No.
You might want to figure that out before you wake up one morning to a bunch of guys putting all your furniture in the back of a truck. That could be a bit of a shock.
Sucks To Be You
SM: If you don't fix my email, I'm going to sue you for $20,000!
ME: I see we've been working on the email issue on your blackberry. According to our Tech Support team, there seems to be an issue with your email client you have set with your device. The issue doesn't appear to be on our network but your email host's.
SM: Look, if I don't send this email by midnight, I'm going to miss this business deal and I'll be out $20,000! I want this taken care of, now!
ME: I understand. But-
SM: No you don'! understand! This is going to ruin my business!
ME: And I wish there was something I could do to-
SM: This is unbelievable!
What's unbelievable is that you don't have any other access to your email. Unless you're using the blackberry.net email for your business, which would be incredibly stupid, you should be able to get on your email from any locatoin with an internet connection. If it's your work email, then I imagine the servers are down and if that's anyone's fault, it's most definitely not mine.
Customer 1/2
VERY CLEARLY MALE'S VOICE: Can you transfer me to prepaid?
ME: Sure, just one moment!
*Transfer, I stay on the line (muted) to make sure he gets connected.*
Prepaid Rep: Hi, this is so-and-so, could I have your name please?
VERY CLEARLY FEMALE'S VOICE: Mary.
ME:
By any chance, did you ever go hiking through China and fall in the spring of drowned customer?
One Of Us Is Doing This The Wrong Way
SM: I want a credit for the overage for the last 3 months of service!
ME: O...kay. I do see you've had quite a bit of overage during that time.
SM: Yeah, and you came out with a plan for the same amount that has a lot more minutes and didn't bother to put me on it!
ME: Well, we can't make a change to your plan without your consent.
SM: So you'll just let me go over all these minutes?
ME: Sir, we have millions and millions of accounts. We can't monitor them all at once. We do provide several tools to let you check your minutes for free at any time. We've also been actively promoting our new plan on TV, radio, and the web. Let's go back over the last few months. At any point that you were using those minutes, and you saw that you were over, did you think to call in and see about a larger plan?
SM: I do a quarterly audit of my service, okay? So I only review my account then.
ME: But.... we send you a bill every month.
SM: And I do a quarterly audit!
ME: And we send you a bill every month.
SM: Bottom line: Are you going to give me a credit or not.
ME: No.
SM: Fine, let me talk to your supervisor?
ME: What would this be regarding?
SM: I want a credit!
ME: You can certainly speak to a supervisor, but there won't be any credit given.
I don't know if I was supposed to impressed by his ability to perform a "quarterly audit," but that's the most insane thing I've ever heard. Congratulations, you win! I'll send you a cake. Let me go to the store and get a few things to make it, like some icing and rat poison, I mean, sprinkles, and I'll get that right out to you.
Why The People In Charge Don't Work On The Phone Lines
SM: Give me your CEO right now!
ME: I'm sorry?
SM: I want to talk to your CEO!
ME: What would this be regarding?
SM: I've had this damn thing replaced 8 times and it still doesn't work! And the idiot I just talked to told me to contact Microsoft and pay them $50 to fix the problem.
ME: I see here that you're having a problem synching your Outlook calendar to your device. Unfortunately, it seems to be a software issue with Windows Mobile and we can't fix that, so you'd need to contact Microsoft for a resolution.
SM: This is costing me money! I use this to schedule my appointments, but when I synch it, all my appointments go off an hour after they're scheduled!
ME: I'm definitely sorry about that. If we had any way we could fix it for you, we would. But-
SM: Well, you sold it to me! You fix it!
ME: Right, but we didn't manufacture it. Nor did we design Windows Mobile.
SM: I'm not going to call Microsoft. They charge $50 just to call them.
ME: I'm aware of this. But the only support I can offer is to replace the device, but since the problem is in the software it won't fix anything.
SM: Then give me your CEO.
ME: I'm sorry, our CEO does not work on the phone lines. I can give you his fax #, email address, or mailing address.
SM: You can't expect me to believe that the CEO of a cell phone company doesn't have a phone.
ME: He has a personal phone, of course.
SM: Then give me his cell phone number!
ME: Sir, I can't do that. That's a private number and it isn't even listed in the system. The only contact information I have is fax, email, or regular mail.
SM: You know what? That's fine, that's fine. I have contacts in the TV and radio industry. If your company wants to hide from me, I'll just use my resources to find it.
ME: Sir, we're not hiding from you. I can give you the address of our corporate office.
SM: I'll find you! You'll be sorry! Your whole company is going down! I'm going to make it my life's work to bring you all down!
Well good luck with that. I should warn you, the compound is heavily fortified and if you manage to get past the Dreadnoks, you won't even get to the gate before our Vipers blast you off the face of the earth. COBRAAA!
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