So what should I do here??

[mjr]

I'm going to try to not go into too much detail here, but I want to provide enough to give some context.

As some of you may know, my wife home schools our son. He's also "special needs", and the traditional school environment just does not work for him. My wife is a stay at home mom anyway (SAHM's really don't get the credit they deserve, IMHO). She teaches above and beyond what is required here for home schooling (since home schools here are considered Private Schools). She teaches him Math, Science, Technology, Language Arts (including foreign languages), Art, Music, Social Studies, and a couple of other things. So it's like a real curriculum. She even does "interdisciplinary" studies.

Anyway, we haven't actually told anyone that we're home schooling (aside from the local school district), or about his diagnosis. We figure we'll tell him when he's older, and if he wants to tell people, he can.

The problem is, someone, somewhere, said something. We don't know if someone at the district office blabbed to someone who knows one of my family members, or what. I know this because my sister emailed me the other day trying to ask me leading questions. Then she mentioned something about me dodging her questions, and said something like, "I guess the rumor is true."

Needless to say, my wife is pissed about it. She suggested I just ignore the email. We really don't want family members butting in to this. We really don't think they'd understand his diagnosis, or our decision to home school.

So I'm trying to just figure out if I should let it go, and see what happens, or what sort of course of action I should take.

[EricKei]

Unless she's shouldering the burder of his education in some significant way -- whether through tutoring, regular instruction, or significant financial contribution -- it ISN'T any of her business. She needs to stay out of yours. Ignore her.

You can say what you need to say to the family when YOU guys are ready, not when the family gossip decides to do so.

In the meantime, if "rumors" have been going around (for all you know, she's the only one to think any exist!), it means that she, at least, has already formed a preconception in her mind about your situation, despite an utter lack of evidence of any kind. Thus, naturally, she will believe her view to be 110% incontrovertible fact. The same could be true of others who have spoken with her. Just be forewarned, and don't let anyone pull you into any intrigue.

[CyberLurch]

First of all, it sounds as if Sis didn't actually know anything, and bluffed you into revealing something. "I guess the rumors are true" and similar statements are often used to goad someone into confirming or dismissing a suspicion - either way, the questioning individual learns something. Lawyers and police pull shit like that all the time. She may have picked up on something you said once, or perhaps became suspicious for some other reason. Yes, it is possible someone in the district ran their mouth, but I'm kind of doubting it. School administrations generally tend to take privacy seriously.

I expect your sister will now broadcast what she 'knows' - and what she doesn't know for fact she'll speculate on, and that, too, will be passed along. It's how rumors get started in the first place. I don't mean to imply your sister would do something like this maliciously - it's just human nature. Particularly within families, someone may feel it's their duty to pass along information such as this; baseless speculation is practically inevitable.

So I would be prepared to tell family members (your sister included) to kindly extract their collective proboscises (proboscii?) from your business. You don't have to be nasty about it; after all, they may simply be genuinely concerned, but it is your child, and if you decide it's none of their business, stand firm on this. However, for the same reason as with your sister, be prepared to hear some wild speculation. Nothing fuels speculation like a lack of information.

If you're interested in determining where/if an information leak exists, I have a couple of thoughts on that, but I fear by now the cat's out of the proverbial bag.

[mjr]

Unless she's shouldering the burder of his education in some significant way -- whether through tutoring, regular instruction, or significant financial contribution -- it ISN'T any of her business. She needs to stay out of yours. Ignore her.

She's not doing any of that stuff. Ignoring her probably is best right now.

You can say what you need to say to the family when YOU guys are ready, not when the family gossip decides to do so.

Well, we're also trying to figure out what to do if someone asks us directly, instead of beating around the bush about it.

We may have to come up with something there. Most of the people in my family in "my generation" who have kids don't have the ability to home school, for a variety of reasons. And I don't think they'd understand why we're doing it.

Some of them (like my parents age) might just think it's some kind of "discipline" problem. We don't spank, we discipline in other ways, so I could see them thinking that it's a discipline problem.

In the meantime, if "rumors" have been going around (for all you know, she's the only one to think any exist!), it means that she, at least, has already formed a preconception in her mind about your situation, despite an utter lack of evidence of any kind. Thus, naturally, she will believe her view to be 110% incontrovertible fact. The same could be true of others who have spoken with her. Just be forewarned, and don't let anyone pull you into any intrigue.

I think part of the problem, though, is that no one is supposed to know. Which means that, in theory, someone who does know somehow told at least one of my relatives...my wife suspects it was someone within the school district.

First of all, it sounds as if Sis didn't actually know anything, and bluffed you into revealing something.

Well, she has this way of asking questions. I'll admit that I dodged with my answers, but for good reason. I've also read a book recently about deception and deceptive behaviors written by some (former??) CIA people. So I know I likely gave off a "deceptive" vibe.

And she's in law enforcement, and trying to get a Criminal Justice degree.

So I would be prepared to tell family members (your sister included) to kindly extract their collective proboscises (proboscii?) from your business. You don't have to be nasty about it; after all, they may simply be genuinely concerned, but it is your child, and if you decide it's none of their business, stand firm on this. However, for the same reason as with your sister, be prepared to hear some wild speculation. Nothing fuels speculation like a lack of information.

The thing about this is, my family has done a lot of this most of their lives, at least as long as I've been alive. It's part of the reason I have the beliefs I have today.

My wife, however, grew up in a completely different environment where stuff like that didn't happen. They had "meddling", too, but my wife hated it when she was growing up, and that's stuck with her.

If you're interested in determining where/if an information leak exists, I have a couple of thoughts on that, but I fear by now the cat's out of the proverbial bag.

I actually am curious. But my wife suspects that it's someone who works for the district, but also has a part-time job, possibly saying something to someone in their other job.

She also told me that one time when she was up at the school (before we withdrew him) she heard the office secretary and some other person basically gossiping about someone else's personal business.

[Aragarthiel]

Usually the best response to someone trying to be nosy about something is confirm it, but also act like it's not a big deal (which it probably isn't, gossip tends to be about "shameful" things and in these modern times, there are fewer things that are truly shameful- having a special needs child isn't one of them). It takes the fun away from the gossip. However, that would require you to be willing to give up your insistence on privacy over this matter, which is ultimately up to you to decide. Otherwise, I find that looking at someone like they're stupid always helps.

[mjr]

Usually the best response to someone trying to be nosy about something is confirm it, but also act like it's not a big deal

My wife doesn't want to confirm anything. She basically says that when it's time, we'll let people know.

She's actually told me that she would like/would have liked to keep the home schooling under wraps until he is ready for college.

having a special needs child isn't one of them

Well, we're not embarrassed in any way. He has his own struggles, and we do our best to help him with them. We just think most members of my family won't understand what's going on regarding his diagnosis -- at all. Or it might be one of those things where they've "heard of it", but don't really know what it is, or think they "know". And then they'll want to (possibly) provide advice.

[MoonCat]

Sometimes the best answer you can give to nosy questions is "He's doing quite well, thank you. How are you doing?"

In other words, shut them down firmly and then deflect. NO details until and unless you want to give them. Best way to deflect is to ask them a question on a subject you know they can't resist.

[EricKei]

And she's in law enforcement, and trying to get a Criminal Justice degree.

Sounds like she's either practicing on you, or has not yet been disabused of the notion that "crime drama" TV shows have very little in common with the real thing. It could very well be that she was just fishing for juicy gossip, knows nothing, and that no rumors truly exist.

[BlaqueKatt]

My wife doesn't want to confirm anything. She basically says that when it's time, we'll let people know.

She's actually told me that she would like/would have liked to keep the home schooling under wraps until he is ready for college.

eh, your kid, your business. And saying "kid's curriculum was tailored to his unique learning style by a private tutor with excellent credentials, who works with the school district", is a wordy way to say it without saying it, if the situation arises.

Also " that topic is not up for discussion or debate, have you tried the bean dip? It's amazing." is also a valid response.

[mjr]

eh, your kid, your business. And saying "kid's curriculum was tailored to his unique learning style by a private tutor with excellent credentials, who works with the school district", is a wordy way to say it without saying it, if the situation arises.

Also " that topic is not up for discussion or debate, have you tried the bean dip? It's amazing." is also a valid response.

True. I guess we'll just have to see how things go. My sister hasn't said anything about it since then, and my wife and I have dropped it, for the most part. Though my wife is still mad at her.

In fact, when my sister emailed me the other day (acting like nothing happened) and said something about how she hated College Algebra, my wife said something like, "Good. I hope she fails her class."

Did I mention the wife holds grudges??

[dalesys]

...Did I mention the wife holds grudges??

... until they die of old age. Then the taxidermist puts them up against the wall.

[mjr]

... until they die of old age. Then the taxidermist puts them up against the wall.

Something like that, yeah.

[ApolloSZ]

Why do you need to 'do' anything? Your son is learning, you and your wife are doing what you think is best for your child, and helping them develop in a way that suits them best. So.... who gives a damn if she (Sister) does/doesn't actually know anything?

At the end of the day I repeat my previous question - Why 'do' anything in this regard?

[wolfie]

Then she mentioned something about me dodging her questions, and said something like, "I guess the rumor is true."

I'd be tempted to answer that with a non-sequitur along the lines of "If the rumour were true, he'd be 81 years old". Completely unrelated rumour, but one that's widely enough circulated that she should have heard it (Elvis' death being faked, and he's still alive).

[Aislin]

I have a friend who is "unschooling" she lets her kids direct what they want to learn. So far they are ahead in reading, math, science. The oldest can code in swift. They are seriously brilliant kids. They socialize through choir and tumbling classes and are healthy and happy. We live in a fairly urban area and there a lot of SAHM here in the tech sector who unschool and have happy we,l adjusted kids. They are away from bullying, have more life experiences, get to travel and avoid potentially deadly allergens. Two kids I met at one of their parties were allergic to wheat, eggs, dairy and animal dander. They could not thrive in a class room but had many opportunities to experience art and culture because they home schooled. They were signed up for a sculpture class that was amazing and they would never get that in a traditional classroom. If later on your son can go to school and wants to he can but right now it is so important to have that one on one mentorship. Your family should be glad she has the dedication to take the steps that need to be done so he can thrive.