A vent and a apology(yes its a bit long)

[artcurmudgeon]

Sorry folks, I need to vent this before it screws with me any more...

There is a back story...and I have to break this down into its separate parts

1)I am on my second marriage to a wonderful woman who makes me happy and does for the most part understand me and loves me for me.
2)I have 3 children(4 including my step son who I raised since he was 6, he is now 21, but he isn't at issue right now) My oldest daughter was born out of wed lock and is now 23, and from my first marriage I have a son and daughter 21 and 17

I am guilty of doing a lot a stupid and selfish things, and have worked very hard to make myself a better person not only to myself but to others.

Towards the end of my marriage, I began an online relationship with the woman who is now my wife. I dont make any bones about it and I know it hurt my ex. Both She and I were not happy, we had grown apart and it was not working any more. We both wanted out and so we did.

During the time we separated and divorced I found out that my daughter was being molested by a family member. my ex'x solution was to sweep it under the rug and say we will deal with it(it was someone on her side of the family). I lost it and called family services and got my daughter for several months. By this time I had married my now wife and were were getting on with life. No matter what we did, my daughter was miserable and did everything she could to make us as well. He new step brother was (and still is) disabled and took great delight in tormenting him. After so much torment and pain, I told her mom, that I couldnt do it any more and let her go back to her.

Family service said that my ex was in the wrong and that my daughter needed therapy, we even found free services for her, no not happening is what my ex said.

This was and still is a fucked up situation.

BTW, this is just part one of two

After a year of truly emotional heart ache, My wife finally loses it and says she is done. and that my daughter was a waste and to give up. This was the worst part, because my support was gone. I did my best for another year to be involved with my kids and do what ever I could. My daughter was becoming vengeful because she had been taken away from her mother. And she was taking it out on me.

I basically had a emotional break. It wasn't fun, I thought I was dying, I don't want to ever go back to that place again. So I told my ex, I wouldn't be calling any more because I cant handle this any more, and we packed up and moved to branson. it was close enough to see family, but far enough to make everyone happy.

I have heard from my daughter several times a year, always asking for something.

Please dont think I am a deadbeat dad, I pay my child support and have good health insurance for my kids. I guess I can best say that I am a good provider, but a lousy father.

My youngest daughter just emailed me to berate me because she didnt hear from me on her birthday or get a gift.

It is tearing me up....

[Kittish]

art, based on what I read in your post, I would say that it's not YOU, it's THEM. You have done what you could to try to be good to them, and they sound like they're treating you like not much more than a source of 'stuff'. Punch the right combination of buttons, and look! We get stuff and money and stuff!

It's easy to say 'don't let it get to you'. It's much, MUCH harder to actually put that into practice, especially when you're trying to deal with people who know where all your 'guilt' buttons are. I'll borrow a bit of advice from another thread on a totally different subject here, and remind you to breathe. When all this starts getting to you, stop for a moment, and just concentrate on breathing. Step back (emotionally or literally) and remind yourself that you've done and are doing what you can to be the best person you can. If your offspring or your ex can't see that or appreciate it, that's THEIR problem. Breathe.

[artcurmudgeon]

Part 2....

My oldest daughter is 23. Her mother left me for my best friend when she was 2. Was I at fault yes. I was young and stupid and didnt value her like I should have and did a lot of stupid things. And she left.

She fought me tooth and nail and I had no hand in raising my daughter. She calls her step dad her father and uses his last name. Recently she gave birth to her first child and step dad is now grandpa.

This tears me up in more ways then I can say..

Last year, when my youngest daughter was being civil, it lasts for short periods a week or two) she told me that she had found my oldest daughter on face book. I warned her, that this may not be the best idea as there might be some animosity. The she goes quiet for a week and I ask how did it go...

She blew up on me telling me to "quit creeping".

Since then I have found out that my oldest daughter refers to me as "The Sperm Donor" or "The Asshole" and now my youngest has been referring to me as that as well. She also says my step son looks like gollum from LoTR.

In Jan 2007, I was arrested for an entire list of offenses concerning child support. I lost my job and almost everything I worked hard for. I was paying on my rearage and was current each month, but the county wanted me to pay an ungodly amount that I couldn't afford, so they destroyed my life instead. I fought it for 2 years and several months and finally took a plea bargain, I plead guilty and got an SIS which means my record will be expunged once I am off probation. I will be off probation in 2014. I had no choice, because if it went to trail, and I was found guilty, I could have gone to prison for 7 years. I couldn't risk that.

I now feel that I have been beat up more than I ever deserved...

Its gotten to a point to where I don't want to talk to my children. I am tired and tired of being tired. My family is in complete agreement with me. But, it is soo hard to not think about them, I miss them and I do love them.

I am at a loss and need to somehow put this out of my mind.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[Food Lady]

I don't have kids, but I know what it's like to not have my dad around (emotionally, not physically). From your post, I see that you've made mistakes, but who hasn't?? You did the best you could. I'm so proud of you for being a GREAT dad to your stepson. You decided to love him. That's what love is: a decision, not a warm fuzzy. And your kids, now that they are adults, are responsible for making that decision. Sure, they were hurt. So was I. But the mature response is to express how they feel, forgive, and rebuild. It is possible. The man who ignored me my whole childhood now drops everything to listen to me. I'm driving 80 miles today to see him. I'm crying right now at the thought, because I love him so much. I used to hate him. He did the best he was capable of then; we as human beings are just broken. We need to be fixed (my own personal belief that God is the Fixer), and we have the free will to make decisions within that. That can happen. Please don't give up on them completely. They are adults, but young ones. It will take time.

[artcurmudgeon]

Thank you Kit and FL.....

I am just beat up and the more it goes on the worse I feel.

I am tired today, and feel like crap....it been a day...

[MoonCat]

Art, please check with resources in your town and see about counseling. We are always here to vent to, but I think you need a professional to hear you out and maybe advise you. You are depressed, and no wonder! Remember that you are only responsible for your own behavior. Your kids have made choices based on their own needs, desires and emotional wiring. You're not at fault for every nasty thing they say or do...that's on them.

Love your kids, but maybe keep some distance between you for your own emotional health. Good luck.

[Der Cute]

Yeah, go get some professional guidance. I've heard that even a priest/church leader can do that for you, you don't always have to be part of their people.
Yeah it costs money, yeah it takes time, but yeah, you're not happy.

Whatcha gonna do with these lemons you've got?

[Kristev]

If you need to talk, I'm open.

[Merriweather]

I have no answers or suggestions, but I will offer one thing to think about.

Keep in mind, always, that however your children view you, it is going to be partly because of how they saw things from a child's point of view (which isn't necessarily logical) and also on how others around them spoke of you. Which can make for a very distorted view - for an example, custody parent refuses to let absent parent see child, child does not know this, child thinks absent parent abandoned them. Add in custody parent or other family members enforcing this view, as well as throwning in a few lies, child grows up with a completely inaccurate view of absent parent.

At best, it can mean that as an adult, at some point, the child might realize everything has two sides, open their mind, find out the truth, and perhaps begin to feel a bit differently. It can also mean they never see reality. You may have to accept that at some point.

But most of all, you have to tell yourself, and believe it, that the child's view of you is not a cause and effect of how you treated them and nothing else, it's made up of very many factors that were beyond your control (such as what they were led to believe by others). You seem to be taking the responsibility for mistakes you have made, which is good, but you have to also be able to accept that some things were not your responsibility, and you had no control over.

I know this doesn't help change anything, but sometimes, the key is coping (at least for a while) with what we can't change, as well as changing what we can.

[Andara Bledin]

What Kanalah said.

I have a pair of cousins who went through something similar to your eldest (only without the abuse), with their mother leaving their father and painting a picture of him for them and the rest of the family that bears no resemblance at all to the man he was and is.

It took more than 20 years (they were both adults and on their own) before they learned the truth about who he really was.

^-.-^