Interview at newspaper office

[Rapscallion]

The rule I heard over here was two seconds dry, four seconds wet, eight seconds icy.

Are there ever any public transport options for interviews?

Rapscallion

[EricKei]

Ouch. Hopefully she doesn't plan to uh, "intercept" your paychecks because of course she know best how the money should be spent >_>

Not much I can say beyond what you already know. I've met people who do what she is doing to you, and it never turns out well for anybody involved x.x The worst part is, as you have pointed out, that she really does seem to believe that what she's doing is a great and wonderful thing o_O So uh yeah, if circumstances permit it, try and get out of there safely and make it on your own >_> Otherwise, you'll be under her thumb for the rest of her life (and perhaps psychologically, your own). She NEEDS someone to control. It need not be you. I wonder what would happen if she tried this on her partner (assuming that you're not around)...

[telecom_goddess]

I lived through what she is going through now and no it doesn't go well for anyone. It affects you the rest of your life. I had a post about this ready earlier but I ended up deleting it and pm'ing the op instead cause it was getting heated for me....and would have turned into fratching material.

But like I said earlier you will be free some day....you really will. Think about that and I can only hope that will help you get through this.

and don't turn down that job if you do get it

[ShadowBall]

My mother has tried it on her partner and when he doesn't want to hear it, he yells back and then gets in his car and drives somewhere. Well, he did when he was still living here. And I think my mother realizing she could not control him as much as she wanted to made her want to control me even more.

Thankfully she does not take my checks - I keep them and deposit them myself. However, she did find my stash of emergency money at home and has been borrowing from it. She currently owes me $200+ that she took from there...she says she'll pay me back, but I have no clue when. I hate when she snoops and finds money in my room - then she'll tell me to keep it somewhere she can easily find it in case SHE needs money. She's been doing that since I was a kid - I'd save holiday and b-day money and she'd take $100 or so out of it now and then when she was too broke to afford her own bills.

I can only imagine how little money I'd have if her and I had a joint account. She's so scared someone's going to think she's a bad mother if she doesn't live my life for me, but I bet they'd think worse of her if I ever told them what she DOES do. Of course she'd deny it because she "only wants what's best for me." Mmhmm, that's why she wants me to be so dependent on her forever, right?

Needless to say, I try very hard to find ways of working from home; that way, money goes right to PayPal, Mom doesn't drive anywhere to whine at interviewers on my behalf, and no need to BS my way through any interviews. I got approved to do work for a couple article-writing sites - places that are said to be some of the best-paying writing freelance sites online right now. So I'll see what happens.

[Geek King]

Um, stop leaving money around at home. Period. That way she can't 'borrow' it. As far as I'm concerned she isn't borrowing it anyways. Saying that she'll pay you back after she's already taken it doesn't cut it - she is stealing from you, plain and simple.

Ditto this. If you absolutely must keep some cash handy, and don't want to carry it with you, invest in a small lockable fire safe. The one I use is the size of a large lunchbox, and locks with keys. Keep the keys with you at all times, maybe in a hidden fold of your wallet--but not on your keyring!--so your mom can't find them. Maybe even lock the fire safe to something solid with a bike lock if needed.

Other ideas:
1) When your mom's out of the house, take a small drill and drill a stash in the bottom of a leg of some furniature in your room. You can stick some rolled bills in there.

2) Grab an Altoids tin, glue a magnet to the bottom, and you have a nice little stash that can be stuck to any metal surface. Deep in the closet an a hanger pole, or in an airduct work pretty well.

3) Once you've moved it, or gotten rid of your stashed cash, leave a note(s) in your old hiding place(s) saying, "Stop trying to steal money from me, Mom." SHe may act the victim, but it will because it shames her, personally. People can only take so much of that before they change their behavior. People don't like thinking that they're a shmuck. Unfortunately, the behavior doesn't always change for the better, so be ready.

Good luck to you. You're in a rough position, and you'll probably have to go on the emotional offensive at some point to break free. I'll be praying for you.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I was gonna say, you can buy a lockable cash box for pretty cheap, drill holes in the bottom of it, then bolt it to something like the floor of your closet or someplace. Do it in such a way that you can't access the bolts without opening the lid.

[ShadowBall]

I can only imagine how much I'd hear about it if I drilled a hole in anything - I get bitched at that tack holes in my wall are bringing down the property value.

I admit my mother does usually pay me back. It's just sometimes it takes her forever, or she'll pay me back and then have to borrow the same money again immediately for some other expense. I guess I worry I'll accidentally forget emergency money is in my checking account and dip into it by accident, but I might just stick it in there anyway and remind myself that $xxx is for emergencies ONLY, so don't spend it. I try very hard to not let her find hidden stashes because she borrows from it all the time. Dammit, that's for MY emergencies! I can't tell her that, though, because she'll just say I have no emergencies or that losing her house because she can't pay her bills is my emergency too. Or something like that.

[Solumina]

Could you open a savings account and put that emergency money in there? You can set it up so that you can transfer money from your savings to your checking account online so you don't need to go to the bank or anything if you do have something come up where you need the money but it would still be safe from your mother and it would be separated from your non-emergency money so you couldn't accidentally dip into it.

[Kristev]

I agree. Create a savings account, then ensure the documents are somewhere she can't touch them. Put 90 % of your money in there, and save save save save to find a new place to live.

[Seshat]

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Just pack up and GO.

What you need:
* Personal paperwork. Identity docs, financial docs, etc.
* Toiletries, including two towels.
* A few changes of clothes.
* Bedding (maybe an air mattress).
* Enough cookware and tableware to get by.
* Enough cleaning tools to get by.
* Anything too emotionally precious to leave behind.

Most of those you won't even need to take from home; you can pick them up from charity shops.

Places to stay while you find regular, reliable work:
* Backpacker hostels. (Often these can recommend work that will keep you paid enough to afford the place.)
* Share housing.
* Cheap apartments (probably more expensive than the others)
* Student housing.
* Housing intended for students but open to anyone.

[Shpepper]

Call your local housing authority and ask if they offer Shared Housing. It's a way to get a place to live that will not cost in just cash rent. We have it here in Washington. How it works is thus: Say there is a widow who owns a 4 bedroom house. She does not need nursing care or extended care, but she needs someone to be in the house as a security measure and to help with grocery shopping and minor repairs and yard work. A contract is worked out between the home owner and the renter that x amount of rent will be paid in cash and that the renter will mow the yard, weed the flower beds and in winter shovel the walkways. The renter will also go to the grocery store with the owner once a week to get needed items. This is simplified but it gives you the idea of what might be needed. Call them and ask about something like that. If you can get out this way, not only will you have a new place to live and low rent, but if you are harassed at your new home, the housing authority can help you to legally deal with it.

[Blade_Raver]

It sounds to me like she's a control freak and will never change.

My mom's a control freak just like yours, only she wasn't as criminal.

It required a bit of mind games + moving out to get her to stop most of her shenanigans.

If you can play against her fears and make pressure plays to get her to back off, I'm sure you'll get some control back in your life.

Hiding physical money in the house is not a smart thing to do. Put it all in a bank/credit union account and tie it to a credit/debit card backed by the bank/credit union.

She steals it and tries to make a purchase. Guess what? Fraud. She goes directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Her knowing this just might make her back off.

She tells you to get a job, but she ruined your best shot at a job by treating you like a child and driving you to work and causing a scene. I'm under the impression that she doesn't understand how contradicting she's acting.

How was she treated when she was a kid and growing up to reach adulthood? Did her mother do the same to her?

[ShadowBall]

I will look into local housing, but I know for a fact my tiny town has no shelters, no dorms, no hostels (in fact, we just got our first hotel last year...very expensive one at that), and the share housing is often something listed in the paper as stuff like, "Elderly man looking for someone to live with him and help out with household things."

I look at the rent ads every single day and they are all totally insane. I think I'd need to make about $2000 a month just to afford rent and pay my student loan bills...that doesn't count food, other bills, car costs (if I get one), utilities, my pets, or health care. Is that normal for a hick town?

Anyway, I know my mother had a lousy childhood. Her family was broke - her mother was passive aggressive and probably emotionally and verbally abusive, and her father was verbally abusive and maybe physically abusive. Grandma was sweet as pie to me, but she would go out of her way to make my mother crazy. Mom and I lived with Grandma for about 13 years and Grandma would pit my mother against her other daughters by lying, or would tell my mother she couldn't shower longer than five minutes and would generally yell at her about everything. Mom came from a messed up family where her needs were likely rarely met, she had no control over anything, and she was wrecked mentally, so I guess it only makes sense that she would grow up into a nutjob and do the same thing to me.

Like I said, not only do I think she has to feed the need to control something/someone, but she feels like she has to prove to the whole wide world that she's a good parent and also live vicariously through me. Basically, I am just another part of her and not a whole other person with their own needs. On one hand, you might feel sorry for her since she came from an abusive home and was abused well into her 40s and 50s. On the other hand, you'd think that would make her try and not repeat the mistakes her parents made with her...nope, she just perpetuates them. And odds are if we did not live with my grandma (who threatened to call the police if my mother ever spanked me), I would have been physically abused too. I can't count how often I heard as a child that my mother threatened to beat me until the blood ran down my ass (her words), or would threaten to kill my grandma if she interfered with my mother's verbal abuse of me.

The rest of my family has their ups and downs, but are overall sane. I often wondered why I had to be born to my mother and not one of my other aunts or uncles.

In short, Mom seems to think she has to do everything for me like I'm an incompetent child. When I do what she wants me to do, I'm so smart and she's so proud and she makes sure the whole wide world knows I'm her daughter and she raised me. But I do something she doesn't like, I'm stupid and I don't know anything and she has to do it for me.

[Seshat]

I look at the rent ads every single day and they are all totally insane. I think I'd need to make about $2000 a month just to afford rent and pay my student loan bills...that doesn't count food, other bills, car costs (if I get one), utilities, my pets, or health care. Is that normal for a hick town?

Okay. Next suggestion: leave town.

If you want to continue your studies, contact community colleges in other towns/cities, and ask about transferring your credit. Then ask whoever handles credit transfers to pass you on to student housing - who can help you calculate the likely cost of living in that city. They can also help you figure out how to actually earn the money to do it.

[EricKei]

If you do consider leaving town -- or even just might receive mail that you don't want her to see -- consider opening up a small PO Box at the local post office. Make sure that only you are permitted to access it.