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  • They almost won this week...

    Dear God my brain *still* hurts from the calls I took this week. >< Anymore and I'd have fallen in the heat of battle and risen again as one of the Unsmart. Then I'd stumble into one of your stores and argue with you over 3 packs of cardboard boxes.




    Orderlines...

    Caller was concerned the Cashmere scarf she ordered wouldn't be soft enough. Yes, thats right, she was concerned that 3 ply cashmere isn't soft. In fact she seemed under the impression is was stiff and somehow crunchy. Thus could not be tied in a knot around your neck. I was half tempted to encourage her to tie a knot around her neck. A very snug knot. But tone of service and what not.

    We wouldn't be climbing mountains and shaving the underbellies of goats if it felt like a terrycoth bathrobe now, would we?



    Mhmm, cheese.

    Caller referred to an E-Whiz kiosks as "Easy Whiz". I'm pretty sure Easy Whiz is a spreadable cheese product that comes in a squirt bottle. I do not believe it can assist you in paying your cellphone bill. You are of course, welcome to try, however.



    Safari

    When reached tonight, the On Call departed on what I can only refer to as a Pen Safari. His quest for a writing tool was not only long, but quite audible as he apparently searched every drawer, cabinent and I think even the fridge in his quest for something to etch with. I'm not entirely sure what he ended up writing with. Aerosol cheese perhaps.




    I Call Him Gamblor

    Caller wanted to know if I could book him at a place he could gamble, I told him no...He then asked if I could book him at such and such casino. When again informed no, he asked if I could book him at another casino.and another, and another. In fact he went down a laundry list of casinos. Then asked if I had *any* place he could gamble at or was somewhere close to a place he could gamble at.

    There seems to be some aspect of the word "No" he has difficulty processing. Or perhaps today is Opposite Day and I missed the memo. In fact, if no means yes today then the entire conversation makes a lot more sense.



    Now That's Talent

    Me: "The number is xxx-xxx-2374"
    SC: "-23784?"

    You know, I've had people mishear numbers now and then. But I've never had anyone just randomly add new ones. I guess everyone needs a talent.



    Shift Commentary: The 7/11 Pimp

    Oh they're being extra special tonight. I've been making throttling motions at my monitor off and on for the last 5 hours. Anyway, my murderous intentions aside, on with the show.

    I am a magnet for fools, as I've demonstrated countless times. This actually happened yesterday but it was too busy in the morning for me to write it in my journal. As always the fun occurs at 7/11 ( That place is cursed, I should start going to the other one up by granville station. )

    As I walk up to the counter there's a "gentleman" in front of me in line who appears to be standing there just because. Dressed in a fashion I can only describe as a "pimp". Red leather jacket, dress pants and a fedora hat. He wasn't purchasing anything and the clerk immediately turned to me as if in fear of the man before him. ( That should have been the warning sign. ).

    I put my stuff on the counter and convience store pimp looks at it then at me and quite jovially begins the following conversation:

    Me = Me of course
    MP = Manpimp

    MP: "Buying all your groceries at 7/11. You must be a bachelor!".
    Me: "Actually, I'm on my way to work."
    MP: "Oh, you work the nightshift?"
    ( No, it just takes me 8 hours to get to my office )
    Me: "Yes.."
    MP: "But you're still a bachelor, am I right?"
    Me: "Yes."
    MP: "Do you know what time it is?"
    Me: "About 10 to 11."
    MP: "Really? Damn. Do you know the closest Cold Beer & Wine store?"
    Me: "No."
    MP: "......"
    Me: "......"
    MP: "Do you need a bus pass?"
    Me "No!"
    MP: "...."
    Me: "....."

    Then Man Pimp left. I always seem to draw the fools and weirdos. I may have to shave my head again and take my glasses off. That stopped people talking to me on my way to work before ( Course, it also scared small children and the elderly ).


    The Case of the Missing Water

    Caller reports that there's no water in his area. I question him further to make sure its truly the entire area and not just his place in which case he needs to call a plumber as its his problem. I've had no calls regarding no water anywhere in the district tonight. Of course he insists its the entire area. Fine fine...

    So I phone up utilities and low and behold there's no water problems in that area or any work being done there. Utilities also says there isn't even any residential buildings out where that guy claims he is....But utilities says he'll phone the guy and talk to him anyway. So all should be resolved right? Well if it was I wouldn't be typing this.

    A bit later the guy calls back. Tells me the same thing again. I tell him I did check with the utilities and there's no work or problems out there that we're aware of. But now he's upset that *I* didn't call him back. Utilities called him back but *I* didn't. Somehow he is offended that I did not personally call him back along with the Utilities guy. I have injured his feelings and must make reperations.

    So I ask him again if he's sure it’s the whole area and if this was a residential area. He says there's all sorts of businesses there.but they're all part of the same building. Which means of course that its not the area, just that building. So I tell him he'll have to call a plumber, which nets me this question:

    "How do I do that?"
    "Pardon?"

    You don't know how to call a plumber? You managed to call the City somehow. Then he reveals that the Utilities guy told him he'd send someone over in the morning to check it out anyway.

    Why didn't you say that to begin with? Why are you even calling me back? Why haven't you been dragged off into the woods by a cougar by now?


    Behave!

    Me: "Ok, well I can have a technician check that machine later this morning. If we find the money-"
    SC: "Its not jammed, its in there, how will he know?!"
    Me: "We'll be able to check to ensure it went throug-"
    SC: "But how will you know?! How can you tell!?"
    Me: "We'll know if a payment was put through."
    SC: "But how? How can you tell? How will we know if it went through or not!? Will you call us!?"
    ( At this point I am forced to use to the voice my mother used on me when I was 4 and misbehaving )
    Me: "We WILL know if there was a problem and CONTACT you either way after WE check the machine."
    "....Ok"

    Arrrggh..I'm not sure whats worse, the fact I had to use that voice or the fact it worked.



    Pest Control

    SC: "Do you guys deal with rats?"

    Well, I'm talking to you at aren't I?


    Wait, what?

    "Good evening, <Company Name> Security-"
    "My wife is cheating on me!"

    .....annnnnd it pretty much just went down hill from there. He basically wanted us to stalk her and take pictures. Right-o, not exactly one of the services we provide. Apparently he believes security company's are one and the same as private investigators.


    Heh, heh

    (Overheard from the caller and his companion before they said a word to me)

    "Well I was talking to someone on this line before!"
    "THAT WAS A RECORDING!"


    It hurts...

    Caller wanted to return a jacket because the "pockets were too big". Too big....I can't even comprehend at this point. Its no use. My mental defenses have been worn down too much this week. The forces of irrational stupidity are winning. I can't hold out much longer. Soon, I too will be reduced to calling up random company's at 3 in the morning with completely innane problems like my pockets being too big.

    SC: "If I take it back to the post office will they give me my money back?"

    Argh! It wounds my brain!


    We all laughed so hard at this...
    ( Note he's calling a building maintenance company. )

    Caller was in a state of severe distress. Why you ask? Because his World of Warcraft account was not working. You heard that right. He can't log into WoW so now he's calling me at 5 in the morning. It was hard to get a word in edgewise to inform him he had the wrong number, so great was his Nerd Crisis. Poor boy didn't stop whining long enough to breath so I figured I'd better cut him off before he passed out.. He couldn't have been older then 13.

    I would surmise the caller is a Night Elf Hunter.


    Call forwarding...

    A fine gentleman called this evening trying to get a hold of his fiancee who is apparently in our client's office. He was unable to grasp the concept of call forwarding and was fantastically confused by the fact ke kept getting us when he called the office number. But he persisted in calling over and over. Again and again. Explaining the whole concept of call forwarding to him simply didn't work and he became increasingly enraged with us for daring to do our jobs and answer the line.

    His calls went on for quite some time till he reached critical mass and began interrogating us for our location so that he could "come down there and kick your ass". We here at <My Company> do value our respective heinies but we found this threat more amusing then anything else. These lovely conversations occurred a couple of times and despite them he STILL kept calling back, trying to get through.

    I almost wish the office DID have an overline so I could phone his fiancee and complain that her hubby's kind of a buttweasel.


    Just LOOK, damn you!

    SC: "I'm looking at the shawl and the wrap on your website and I was wondering what the measurements were for them?"
    ( I look at the same website, the measures are clearly printed below the picture. )
    Me: "The shawl is 28 x 80"
    SC: "and the wrap?"
    ( I again look at the same website she claims to be staring at right this moment. )
    Me: "36 x 80"
    SC: "Ok, one more question. That crimson colour, is that like a red red?"
    ( I again look...the crimson version of the item is displayed in a HUGE picture right above the measure she's also completely blind too. )
    Me: "Yes, its kind of a deep red."
    SC: "Ok thanks, I'll just place my order on the website then."

    Are you sure you can manage that? You won't call me back and ask if the "View Cart" button really shows the contents of your cart or not? You don't need me to explain to you that UPS 3 Day shipping is shipping from UPS that takes 3 Days? I'm not sure you're ready for this level of responsibility yet, young padawan. Come back to me! There is much you have yet to learn!




    There was much more suffering, but the rest of it wasn't funny. Just horrific. ><
    Last edited by Gravekeeper; 12-03-2006, 01:35 PM.

  • #2
    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
    A fine gentleman called this evening trying to get a hold of his fiancee who is apparently in our client's office. He was unable to grasp the concept of call forwarding and was fantastically confused by the fact ke kept getting us when he called the office number.
    Wow, she picked a winner there!!!!!!
    "If you are planning not to tip, please let your server know before ordering so they can decide whether or not to wait on you" - from an advice column I read some time ago

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
      As I walk up to the counter there's a "gentleman" in front of me in line who appears to be standing there just because. Dressed in a fashion I can only describe as a "pimp". Red leather jacket, dress pants and a fedora hat.
      There's a customer at work who dresses like that. He's really nice, though. I'm forever tempted to ask him if I can borrow one of his suits for Halloween.
      Unseen but seeing
      oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
      There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
      3rd shift needs love, too
      RIP, mo bhrionglĂ³id

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
        Dear God my brain *still* hurts from the calls I took this week. >< Anymore and I'd have fallen in the heat of battle and risen again as one of the Unsmart. Then I'd stumble into one of your stores and argue with you over 3 packs of cardboard boxes.
        One of the funniest opening paragraphs ever... and I think there's a movie in there someone.
        I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, and I didn't care who knew it. -- Raymond Chandler

        Comment


        • #5
          "You know, I've had people mishear numbers now and then. But I've never had anyone just randomly add new ones. I guess everyone needs a talent."

          You've never had them add new numbers? Just give it time. I've had everything. Mostly, it was ppl wanting a U.S. zip code (5 digits) & adding 1-2 numbers. Yes, up to 2 extra numbers.

          Me: 27102.
          Customer: 2715023?

          Seriously.
          The universe is mostly empty space, and so is your job. ~Dilbert

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
            Dear God my brain *still* hurts from the calls I took this week. >< Anymore and I'd have fallen in the heat of battle and risen again as one of the Unsmart. Then I'd stumble into one of your stores and argue with you over 3 packs of cardboard boxes.
            Not MY store, please!

            Great post.
            "We guard the souls in heaven; we don't horse-trade them!" Samandrial in Supernatural

            RIP Plaidman.

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Gravekeeper View Post

              We all laughed so hard at this...
              ( Note he's calling a building maintenance company. )

              Caller was in a state of severe distress. Why you ask? Because his World of Warcraft account was not working. You heard that right. He can't log into WoW so now he's calling me at 5 in the morning. It was hard to get a word in edgewise to inform him he had the wrong number, so great was his Nerd Crisis. Poor boy didn't stop whining long enough to breath so I figured I'd better cut him off before he passed out.. He couldn't have been older then 13.

              I would surmise the caller is a Night Elf Hunter.
              yah sounds like a NE hunter to me. Prolly named 'Legoolas'


              god imma nerd
              Fan? This is shit. Shit? Meet fan.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                We wouldn't be climbing mountains and shaving the underbellies of goats if it felt like a terrycoth bathrobe now, would we?
                Oh my god. I'm going to have to find ways of working this sentence into my daily conversations. Or at least start calling people Mountain Goat Underbelly Shavers.
                "Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings"-Dr. Perry Cox

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                • #9
                  A fellow Vancouverite I see. The people in our city seriously must be some of the dumbest in creation.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    Caller wanted to return a jacket because the "pockets were too big". Too big....I can't even comprehend at this point. Its no use. My mental defenses have been worn down too much this week. The forces of irrational stupidity are winning. I can't hold out much longer. Soon, I too will be reduced to calling up random company's at 3 in the morning with completely innane problems like my pockets being too big.

                    SC: "If I take it back to the post office will they give me my money back?"
                    I honestly would have loved to see this person try and return a jacket back to the post office simply because "the pockets were too big."

                    Go on, return it, I dare ya.
                    This area is left blank for a reason.

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                    • #11
                      I probably could have gotten away with telling her "Sure, go for it!" too.

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