Win button is full of Win.
Rest Assured, I'm Still a Bastard.
On the way into 7/11:
“Hey man, you got any change?”
On the way out of 7/11:
“Hey man, you got an-gyauah!”
Yes, it’s me again. The callous, uncaring bastard who didn’t give you change all of 2 minutes ago and I can assure you despite the vast spiritual enlightenment I received while grabbing a bottle of Coke Zero out of the cooler in the store, I’m still not going to give you any change.
Hey! Listen!
Me: “D as in David.”
SC: “B?”
Me: “No, D. As in David or Dog.”
SC: “Ok, so M, B-“
Me: “No, D. D. As in David.”
Is your name Bavid? No? Well then shut your dribbling cheese chute and listen.
867
( This was Thursday night, keep that in mind... )
Me: “It should take about 2 weeks.”
SC: “So next Friday?”
Me: “…no, in about 2 weeks.”
I can see the way your mind is attempting to work, but “attempting” is still the key word here. I admire that the hamster is valiantly trying to spin that rusty wheel inside your skull but he still only has 3 legs and a thyroid problem.
Full of Win
( This guy was ordering lottery tickets. )
Me: “Alright, you should receive them in about 2-3 weeks.”
SC: “Great. Can you press the Win button for me there?”
Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t have that button on my keyboard, sorry.”
I also seem to be lacking a “Smite” button now that I look.
Qualifications
SC: “If you can’t help me then don’t answer the phone! <click>”
I’d be letting it ring for quite some time then as I have no experience and certainly no qualifications in removing large, dead land mammals from the deep within the human rectum.
Transit Quest
After a few week’s worth of bus adventuring I have leveled up with the driver of the 112 from “Sir” to “Bud”. I’m hoping in another week or two I can level up to “Bro” or maybe even “Dawg”.
Ass Backwards
Me: “Alright, you should receive your tickets in about 2-3 weeks.”
SC: “Great, thanks. Good luck!”
Er….you seem to have this the wrong way around. I’m not the one that just dove headlong into a vast game of chance for $250. I’m supposed to be wishing you good luck. However, I’m not going too now. I mean, you gave it to me. It’d be rude of me to return it. In fact, I hope you lose horribly. That way I can keep it all for myself.
Dude...
SC: “Hook me up, brother!”
Hmm…I thought I said “Are you calling to book a hotel room?” not “Brother man! Can I fix you up with some good shit, yo?”. Granted I just read what’s on the screen so maybe the script’s changed.
How did you even GET a Visa?
SC: “Then the card says 06/10.....I don’t know what that means.”
If you’re not smart enough to understand even the most basic principles of it, perhaps you shouldn’t be using it? I know it’s a radical idea at best, but just hear me out here. I may be able to save you from ending up living in a urine soaked alley behind Whitespot in an old Ikea box. From which you crawl out under the cover of night to bother me for change with an old Starbucks cup tip jar and a dead rat you’ve somehow figured out how to play “Ironman” on in exchange for the charity of passersby.
Wherein I Attempt a Hook Up
SC: “I don’t feel very lucky tonight.”
Yet you went ahead and ordered lottery anyway. Tell you what, brother man, I can fix you up with some good luck, yo. I know this guy that hooked me up with some earlier. Maybe if you’re nice and flash some greenback he’ll hook you up too.
I know, that was bad. But having decent taste in music and being gainfully employed has largely prevented me from learning the “language of the street” so to speak. But hey, at least I try.
Durrrrr..
Me: “Good evening, <Female counterpart of youth organization once featured in a Village People song.>”
SC: “What?!”
Me: “…<client name again>”
SC: “….what? Where’s Mark and Jim?”
Me: “…I think you may have the wrong number.”
SC: “No seriously, who is this?”
Me: “This is <client name>.”
SC: “Who is this?!”
Me: “…<client name>”
SC: “I think I have the wrong number.”
Me: "Mhmm."
No, really? Hell, I could have and oddly enough did tell you that. However, you decided the wiser course of action would be to persist in being a brazen stumpwit.
I Hate Tech Support
1) You don’t know what software you have.
2) You don’t know what your phone number is.
3) You can’t read.
Apparently the only qualifications for working for <chain of convenience stores> at 4am are a pulse and opposable thumbs. Though I guess even that last one is negotiable if this woman is any indication.
Toilet of Sorrow
I know a clogged toilet kinda sucks, but it’s not enough of a reason to have a complete emotional sobbing break down on the phone and beg me for help like someone has a gun to your head. Only to start off on a Jerry Springer worthy wailing, tear laden plea about how you're on welfare and can't be affording no toilet plunging or some such all the while screaming "THE WATER'S COMING UP! THE WATER'S COMING UP!"
Being that I am still a bastard, I did get a hold of a service guy for you. But I didn't warn him about you. I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
Sometimes it's the clients too...
( This guy is the emergency on call for a company. I had to call him to dispatch him to a location. )
SC: “It’s 6:30am and there are kids in the house! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL MY CELL!?”
Me: “I did try your cell but unfortunately only got voicemail.”
( Because you didn't answer it )
SC: “Why didn’t you try it again!?”
Me: “Our instructions for emergenices are to call your cell and if there’s no answer, call your residence immediately.”
SC: “Even at 6:30am?!”
Me: “Yes, that's the emergency escalation.”
SC: “Well, that’s going to change!”
How DARE I follow your company’s instructions to the letter. The nerve of me. I mean, what kind of idiot am I?
Oh, and good luck getting it changed. It's been that way for 4 years and I don't think whining to your boss that you didn't answer the company cell for emergencies is going to change his mind about them.
867
Me: “and what would like to order?”
SC: “xxxx-xx”
Me: “Hmm…I don’t seem to have that in my catalogue. We may not carry that item anymore. Xxxx-xx, right?”
SC: “Yeah. You don’t have it? Ok, what about its product number from the new catalogue then? Xxxx-xx?”
Me: “That I have”
No, please, continue giving me old product id numbers from a catalogue from 6 years ago. Hell, you know what? Why don’t you check and see if you can find a product ID number in the Dead Sea Scrolls. I’m sure it’ll be up to date with my current catalogue.
Questions so stupid you have to make a saving throw.
Question:
Should you clean up a crime scene and all the evidence before the cops arrive to investigate?
Answer:
For the love a…what kind of idiot are you? Get away from me. I’m not sure if you can catch stupid but I don’t want to run the risk.
Ok so that’s not really an answer. Let me try again.
Answer:
No. Stay the hell away from it. Don’t touch it. Don’t look at it. Go to the kitchen, make a sandwich, grab a Dr Pepper, turn on the TV and try to find a rerun of Law & Order, Cold Squad, CSI….or hell, even Hawaii Five-O. I’m sure even 5 minutes alone with any of these fine programs will be vastly enlightening.
It is?
SC: “Oh my God! This is so bad!”
....it is? I could understand this response if I had told you something like “We have no hotel rooms left” or “Get bent you damp urinal pee-cake.”. However, what I actually said was “Do you have a pen ready?”. Thus I am puzzled by your outburst.
Thus ends this week's trauma. -.-
Rest Assured, I'm Still a Bastard.
On the way into 7/11:
“Hey man, you got any change?”
On the way out of 7/11:
“Hey man, you got an-gyauah!”
Yes, it’s me again. The callous, uncaring bastard who didn’t give you change all of 2 minutes ago and I can assure you despite the vast spiritual enlightenment I received while grabbing a bottle of Coke Zero out of the cooler in the store, I’m still not going to give you any change.
Hey! Listen!
Me: “D as in David.”
SC: “B?”
Me: “No, D. As in David or Dog.”
SC: “Ok, so M, B-“
Me: “No, D. D. As in David.”
Is your name Bavid? No? Well then shut your dribbling cheese chute and listen.
867
( This was Thursday night, keep that in mind... )
Me: “It should take about 2 weeks.”
SC: “So next Friday?”
Me: “…no, in about 2 weeks.”
I can see the way your mind is attempting to work, but “attempting” is still the key word here. I admire that the hamster is valiantly trying to spin that rusty wheel inside your skull but he still only has 3 legs and a thyroid problem.
Full of Win
( This guy was ordering lottery tickets. )
Me: “Alright, you should receive them in about 2-3 weeks.”
SC: “Great. Can you press the Win button for me there?”
Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t have that button on my keyboard, sorry.”
I also seem to be lacking a “Smite” button now that I look.
Qualifications
SC: “If you can’t help me then don’t answer the phone! <click>”
I’d be letting it ring for quite some time then as I have no experience and certainly no qualifications in removing large, dead land mammals from the deep within the human rectum.
Transit Quest
After a few week’s worth of bus adventuring I have leveled up with the driver of the 112 from “Sir” to “Bud”. I’m hoping in another week or two I can level up to “Bro” or maybe even “Dawg”.
Ass Backwards
Me: “Alright, you should receive your tickets in about 2-3 weeks.”
SC: “Great, thanks. Good luck!”
Er….you seem to have this the wrong way around. I’m not the one that just dove headlong into a vast game of chance for $250. I’m supposed to be wishing you good luck. However, I’m not going too now. I mean, you gave it to me. It’d be rude of me to return it. In fact, I hope you lose horribly. That way I can keep it all for myself.
Dude...
SC: “Hook me up, brother!”
Hmm…I thought I said “Are you calling to book a hotel room?” not “Brother man! Can I fix you up with some good shit, yo?”. Granted I just read what’s on the screen so maybe the script’s changed.
How did you even GET a Visa?
SC: “Then the card says 06/10.....I don’t know what that means.”
If you’re not smart enough to understand even the most basic principles of it, perhaps you shouldn’t be using it? I know it’s a radical idea at best, but just hear me out here. I may be able to save you from ending up living in a urine soaked alley behind Whitespot in an old Ikea box. From which you crawl out under the cover of night to bother me for change with an old Starbucks cup tip jar and a dead rat you’ve somehow figured out how to play “Ironman” on in exchange for the charity of passersby.
Wherein I Attempt a Hook Up
SC: “I don’t feel very lucky tonight.”
Yet you went ahead and ordered lottery anyway. Tell you what, brother man, I can fix you up with some good luck, yo. I know this guy that hooked me up with some earlier. Maybe if you’re nice and flash some greenback he’ll hook you up too.
I know, that was bad. But having decent taste in music and being gainfully employed has largely prevented me from learning the “language of the street” so to speak. But hey, at least I try.
Durrrrr..
Me: “Good evening, <Female counterpart of youth organization once featured in a Village People song.>”
SC: “What?!”
Me: “…<client name again>”
SC: “….what? Where’s Mark and Jim?”
Me: “…I think you may have the wrong number.”
SC: “No seriously, who is this?”
Me: “This is <client name>.”
SC: “Who is this?!”
Me: “…<client name>”
SC: “I think I have the wrong number.”
Me: "Mhmm."
No, really? Hell, I could have and oddly enough did tell you that. However, you decided the wiser course of action would be to persist in being a brazen stumpwit.
I Hate Tech Support
1) You don’t know what software you have.
2) You don’t know what your phone number is.
3) You can’t read.
Apparently the only qualifications for working for <chain of convenience stores> at 4am are a pulse and opposable thumbs. Though I guess even that last one is negotiable if this woman is any indication.
Toilet of Sorrow
I know a clogged toilet kinda sucks, but it’s not enough of a reason to have a complete emotional sobbing break down on the phone and beg me for help like someone has a gun to your head. Only to start off on a Jerry Springer worthy wailing, tear laden plea about how you're on welfare and can't be affording no toilet plunging or some such all the while screaming "THE WATER'S COMING UP! THE WATER'S COMING UP!"
Being that I am still a bastard, I did get a hold of a service guy for you. But I didn't warn him about you. I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
Sometimes it's the clients too...
( This guy is the emergency on call for a company. I had to call him to dispatch him to a location. )
SC: “It’s 6:30am and there are kids in the house! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL MY CELL!?”
Me: “I did try your cell but unfortunately only got voicemail.”
( Because you didn't answer it )
SC: “Why didn’t you try it again!?”
Me: “Our instructions for emergenices are to call your cell and if there’s no answer, call your residence immediately.”
SC: “Even at 6:30am?!”
Me: “Yes, that's the emergency escalation.”
SC: “Well, that’s going to change!”
How DARE I follow your company’s instructions to the letter. The nerve of me. I mean, what kind of idiot am I?
Oh, and good luck getting it changed. It's been that way for 4 years and I don't think whining to your boss that you didn't answer the company cell for emergencies is going to change his mind about them.
867
Me: “and what would like to order?”
SC: “xxxx-xx”
Me: “Hmm…I don’t seem to have that in my catalogue. We may not carry that item anymore. Xxxx-xx, right?”
SC: “Yeah. You don’t have it? Ok, what about its product number from the new catalogue then? Xxxx-xx?”
Me: “That I have”
No, please, continue giving me old product id numbers from a catalogue from 6 years ago. Hell, you know what? Why don’t you check and see if you can find a product ID number in the Dead Sea Scrolls. I’m sure it’ll be up to date with my current catalogue.
Questions so stupid you have to make a saving throw.
Question:
Should you clean up a crime scene and all the evidence before the cops arrive to investigate?
Answer:
For the love a…what kind of idiot are you? Get away from me. I’m not sure if you can catch stupid but I don’t want to run the risk.
Ok so that’s not really an answer. Let me try again.
Answer:
No. Stay the hell away from it. Don’t touch it. Don’t look at it. Go to the kitchen, make a sandwich, grab a Dr Pepper, turn on the TV and try to find a rerun of Law & Order, Cold Squad, CSI….or hell, even Hawaii Five-O. I’m sure even 5 minutes alone with any of these fine programs will be vastly enlightening.
It is?
SC: “Oh my God! This is so bad!”
....it is? I could understand this response if I had told you something like “We have no hotel rooms left” or “Get bent you damp urinal pee-cake.”. However, what I actually said was “Do you have a pen ready?”. Thus I am puzzled by your outburst.
Thus ends this week's trauma. -.-
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