So...I had a major psych event at work and I want life to be over

[WishfulSpirit]

Hey everyone.

So yesterday while driving the shuttle van I cut a corner too close and whacked into another car. Nobody was hurt, and I was told the accident itself wasn't a big deal.

What was the big deal is right when I felt the impact, I had a flashback to the major car crash my husband and I were in that ended his career. I saw the windshield shatter, smelled the burning rubber, exc. Best I can tell, I was acting on autopilot, I have a vague memory of someone yelling, a vague memory of holding out a document. The first thing I remember clearly is being parked away from the scene and looking at the damage.

Here's where I made my mistake. I've had this kind of thing happen before, but only for a few seconds, and I thought it was just an "intrusive thought" that made me forget what I was doing and I was able to figure out what happened in those few seconds. I realized this time that what I experienced was a flashback and knew I couldn't ever tell anyone at work about that. I had to figure out what happened on my own.

I tried to piece together the story as best I could. My interpretation based on damage and my vague flashes of memory was that someone had hit me, yelled at me, and ran off, and that I needed to get out of there before that person came back, but I tried to downplay it so I wouldn't be perceived as an over-emotional lunatic. I didn't want my boss to think I was crazy. Bad things happen when you're boss thinks you are nuts. I lost a past job because of that.

Talked to a cop later in the day (while having a panic attack), was charged with careless driving (because the cop was merciful) and in the conversation, my lunacy came pouring out. I was given today off (I'm scheduled off tomorrow and the next day) and have been asked to "try to remember what really happened" but I can't. I will most likely have to go through this all again on Friday and then get shit-canned because to anyone who doesn't have my mental issues, I look like I am a liar who was trying to cover up an accident. I don't blame Bossman for thinking that.

I honestly don't care about being fired. It's happened before because of my fragile mental state. The issue is I feel I'm too screwed up to ever function in society and I don't want to keep fighting against my profound unfitness for the world. I don't know if I'm treatable. I don't want to find out. I want to take a nap on the train tracks, but I have a husband and a doggie who need me emotionally (even if I can't provide for them) and I can't just get it overwith. I'm also logging on to Crisis Chat periodically just to vent.

I've called my therapist and have an appointment. I'm hoping she can help me save my job so I don't have to disappoint my family again. I'm going to try to get a medical statement saying I'm ok as long as I don't drive and stay on a consistent schedule (lost last job due to them jerking my hours around and my ADHD making me constantly exhausted and unable to focus). But right now I just want to not exist anymore.

[Ghel]

That sucks. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[Sulhythal]

*hugs* I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

While I can't speak to your exact situation, I've had those beliefs about being too screwed up to ever fit in as well. I also have ADD(I left the H somewhere)

And I know that right now it doesn't look like it, but it gets better. Never quickly enough, but it does.

I know I'm not a major feature of this group, but I'm available to chat if you ever need to.

[MoonCat]

Please, please, please don't give up. What happened was NOT YOUR FAULT.

NOT.
YOUR.
FAULT.

Accidents happen all the time. You can't control what other people do. I know what panic attacks are like - I had a major one about three weeks ago - and I know they are hard for people to understand. What you need to do is take care of yourself first. Please keep talking to the crisis people, get help because as hard as it is, it is worth it because YOU are worth it.

Yes, you absolutely are. Don't argue with Mama Mooncat OK? Stay safe. I'm thinking about you and sending you hugs and love and peace.

[WishfulSpirit]

Thanks Mooncat.

It was my fault for driving carelessly and then trying to figure out what happened instead of telling the PD I had a flashback and could they check the cameras. Also my fault for leaving.

That said the depression seems to be easing off and I see my shrink tomorrow. I'm going to write my boss an email before I go back telling him that I acknowledge my mistake in leaving the scene, and in not telling him what happened with my mental state for fear of being thought crazy, and that if he needs to fire me for perceived lying, I'd like to quit and spare him the black mark from Corporate.

I can handle a job loss. It's the not knowing and the possibility of a tense conversation where a man I respect is mad at me is what is causing me the most distress.

[Teysa]

Hugs. There's always a chance your boss will be more understanding than you think. Whatever happens, remember that you have worth beyond your job and your family loves you. Keep in mind too that we care about you here on CS too. My prayers are with you.

[Shyla]

I'm so sorry. That sounds so difficult. You are doing the right thing by seeing your therapist. You need some time to recover. I don't know the legalities here. I would advise not writing any emails for now. Was work at all aware of your mental illness? You could always ask them (in person) to give you another chance.

You are important. You are special. Suicide is not necessary over a small accident. I'm sure you feel bad about your mistakes but they are mistakes not capital crimes. I hope you can find some comfort somewhere. The thoughts can be overwhelming. I've been there. Try to get some sleep, eat some good food, get some hugs.

[Pixelated]

I was starting to seriously worry until I saw your comment that you've got an appointment with your therapist. That is excellent.

As for your reaction to your accident, even if it's your first accident EVER it's likely you (generic "you" here) won't remember ever single detail because it happened too fast and it was such a shock.

Try to remain as calm and relaxed as you can (easier said than done, I know) and if any details do pop into your head, write them down immediately. If not, just be honest and say you're sorry but you haven't been able to remember anything further about the accident. Try not to obsess about it; I've found that that almost guarantees the memories you want will be hiding somewhere and refuse to come out.

Glad to hear you weren't hurt in the accident. Sh*t happens, unfortunately. I rear-ended a car many years ago partly because I was tired (I had just gotten off work at about 1 a.m.) and I wasn't really paying sufficient attention. As in your case, nobody was hurt.

The accident doesn't make you a bad or unworthy person, and neither does being unable to remember details.

[greyblade23]

I agree totally with Pix...last traffic accident I had, I also had difficulty remembering exact details. Hell, when I reported it to the police right after, the only detail I got right about the car that hit me was it's color (and even then, I said maroon when it was bright red).

Some of us here know exactly what you're going through (major depressive disorder myself). I'm heartened to hear that you're taking advantage of the mental health solutions available to you. I'm glad you're going to a therapist. May I suggest asking about PTSD treatment? That's helped both my wife and I get over some of our issues.

Now, I'll admit I only know you from your posts, but you always struck me as the kind of person a decent boss should want to keep. It seems like you really care about your work, and try to do the best job you can. If your boss can't see that, it's his (or her) loss.

Please take care of yourself (and hubby and pooch ) and keep inching toward daylight.

[MoonCat]

Pixelated is right. These things mess with your emotional equilibrium. It takes time to integrate experiences like that, to put them in a place inside your mind where they don't cause problems. Most people need help to do that. I know I do. And it doesn't make, or you, a bad person.

[WishfulSpirit]

Just hope I don't get fired. But if I do, ok. Denver has a lot of hotel opportunity right now.

[WishfulSpirit]

Whelp Bossman called and said "come in at 10" and "we just want to talk to you." The prospect of sitting down with my bosses and have them tell me why they think I'm a liar is too much, I'm feeling suicidal again, I can't do this, I just can't, why can't I just quit I can't work at this place anymore. I'm too crazy.

[Brojekk]

Please stay with us. We want to read your posts for many years to come. You will definitly find alot of support here on this site.

[WishfulSpirit]

I need help but I aint getting it because going to the ER when I freaking want to kill myself would "ensure you get canned" and inconvenience everyone.

[Teysa]

Would they fire you if you had to go to the ER because your appendix burst? So why would they fire you if you went because your mind is hurting? Please, go get the help you need. Whether it's talk therapy, medication, or a combination of both, you'll be better able to deal with the lies your depression is telling you.