It's the (Expletive) Lottery!

[Antisocial_Worker]

Some friends of the Sturdy Nurse and I were sitting around talking the other night, and as the conversation so often does, it turned to things that had been fished out of bodily orifices. One forensic nurse calls it the... ahem... the Twat Lottery. What will you win when you play?

To date, the assembled group has won in the Twat Lottery, the following:

-- a roll of cash that turned out to be about $3000.

-- a -- punctured -- can of Scrubbing Bubbles that exploded when it was popped out and sprayed everyone.

-- more baggies of pot and vials of crack than could be counted

-- a can of Febreze brand air freshener

-- a can of Barbasol brand shaving cream

-- a sex toy that was still vibrating three days after having last seen the light of day.

-- more immobile sex toys than can be counted

-- beer bottles

-- soda bottles

-- a shattered light bulb

-- intact light bulbs

-- soda cans

-- beer cans

-- a screwdriver

-- a Barbie doll

And much, much more, I might add. Everyone's a winner when they play the Twat Lottery!

[bhskittykatt]

-- a -- punctured -- can of Scrubbing Bubbles that exploded when it was popped out and sprayed everyone.
!

That's so gross and yet I laughed so hard...

[cindybubbles]

How can a can of Febreze end up inside a body?

What were they trying to do? Make their butts smell good by freshening up the insides?

Just curious, that's all. I've heard of BDSM, but this is ridiculous!

[LesserSouthernFroglet]

I've seen a few good ones. Apart from the run-of-the-mill shampoo, deodorant bottles and random phallic vegetables there were also:

* the unsheathed Bowie knife
* the mobile phone
* the inverted whisky glass with a large plastic fishing float wedged in it - this one we had to tackle from top and bottom simultaneously - not fun!
* the rapid-set plaster of paris
* the 1.25l Coke bottle (glass)

NB these were all male patients, so presumably that's the Butt Lottery.

I also remember the kid that swallowed over $300 in one and two-dollar coins - lodged into a big old golden lump at the stomach outlet and caused him to obstruct.

There was also the chap that was in a few times each week to have razor blades removed from his bladder. Sometimes blades he'd removed from pencil sharpeners. Occasionally even bits of stick with which he'd pushed the blades into his bladder. Once he tried to cut his willy off too. Yes, he had problems...

'-- a sex toy that was still vibrating three days after having last seen the light of day.'

Geez, that's some great batteries!

[fireheart]

I can top all of you (need to find the link though).

Metal fork...in the penis. Shoved in handle first (meaning that they had to remove it prong first).
Somehow, they managed to get it out without needing to make an incision.

[MoonCat]

random phallic vegetables

For some reason this is the one that made me crack up.

What a great name for a rock band!

[Seshat]

I assume that medical conditions (prolapses etc) don't count?

[fireheart]

I assume that medical conditions (prolapses etc) don't count?

Given that the OP makes mentions to things fished "out" of orifices, they're more than likely referring to things pulled out of certain body parts that should not have been shoved in there in the first place.

[wolfie]

I've seen a few good ones. Apart from the run-of-the-mill shampoo, deodorant bottles and random phallic vegetables there were also:

* the mobile phone

NB these were all male patients, so presumably that's the Butt Lottery.

Was the guy in question yakking on it in a movie theater, annoying the other patrons?

'-- a sex toy that was still vibrating three days after having last seen the light of day.'

Geez, that's some great batteries!

Will the folks at Eveready bring in a new ad aimed at this particular market: "They keep coming and coming"?

I can top all of you (need to find the link though).

Metal fork...in the penis. Shoved in handle first (meaning that they had to remove it prong first).

Was this the one you were looking for? hereis another good one.

[bainsidhe]

I was pretty squicked at the shattered light bulb...until I read the post about razor blades.

[Antisocial_Worker]

NB these were all male patients, so presumably that's the Butt Lottery.

Almost all of these were men, too. You'd be absolutely astonished at how many men walk around naked, slip, and fall on the darnedest things.

Edit: I remembered that in talking with the nurses, they pointed out that it tends to be women who hide "practical" things up inside, while men are just shoving any old thing in there for a thrill. There are exceptions of course, but that's how it normally plays out when someone has something abnormal inside. The cash, and crack and pot were usually found up inside women who had just been arrested, for example. The men were just stuffing things inside for jollies.

Given that the OP makes mentions to things fished "out" of orifices, they're more than likely referring to things pulled out of certain body parts that should not have been shoved in there in the first place.

Indeed! We have a winner!

Will the folks at Eveready bring in a new ad aimed at this particular market: "They keep coming and coming"?

Actually, after three days it had worked its way in to such a point that it was vibrating the patient's innards enough to make them vomit uncontrollably. No one was having a good time by then.

[Crossbow]

-- a sex toy that was still vibrating three days after having last seen the light of day.

I didn't think they'd actually invented the Nuclear Powered Vibrator (TM) yet...

[Kaylyn]

This whole thread just reminds me of the guy that live tweeted his ER experience. He got a vibrator lodged up his butt, found out someone ELSE was there with the exact same problem, batteries lasted 8 hours after he got it stuck, and he shat the bed when it was all over. His commentary is hilarious.

[fireheart]

Was this the one you were looking for?

Yup, that's the one! I managed to find the medical journal article on it and there's a HUGE list of things that have been shoved into either the urethra, anus or vagina:

needles, pencils, ball point pens, pen lids, garden wire, copper wire, speaker wire, safety pins, Allen keys), wire-like objects (telephone cables, rubber tubes, feeding tubes, straws, string), toothbrushes, household batteries, light bulbs, marbles, cotton tip swabs, plastic cups, thermomethers, plants and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, beans, hay, bamboo sticks, grass leaves), parts of animals (leeches, squirrel tail, snakes, bones), toys, pieces of latex gloves, blue tack, Intrauterine Contraceptive Devices (IUCD), tampons, pessaries, powders (cocaine), fluids (glue, hot wax)

This whole thread just reminds me of the guy that live tweeted his ER experience. He got a vibrator lodged up his butt, found out someone ELSE was there with the exact same problem, batteries lasted 8 hours after he got it stuck, and he shat the bed when it was all over. His commentary is hilarious.

Well at least he saw the funny side!

[LesserSouthernFroglet]

I can top all of you (need to find the link though).

Metal fork...in the penis. Shoved in handle first (meaning that they had to remove it prong first).
Somehow, they managed to get it out without needing to make an incision.

I'll see your metal fork and raise you... several meters of co-axial cable. Inserted, tried to pull it out and it knotted up. It was a fun job getting that one out as well.

And as a bonus - the legless lizard - to this day nobody knows how he got the poor thing up there, but it drowned and getting it out wasn't nice at all.

Double bonus - the young couple, after a night on the turps, who wanted a bit of 'action' but he had trouble performing. So they decided putting a six inch nail down the urethra to 'splint' it was a good idea.