Stupid questions - and how I wish I could answer them (language)

[Dentarthurdent]

"When is it going to stop raining?"
It's monsoon season; give it a good three months.
OR
(and I HAVE heard my coworker, who's a witch, use this one out loud)
Let me gaze into my crystal ball...

"Can we pet the [wildlife]?"
If you are dumb enough to ask that question, please do. The human race doesn't need your kind to breed.

"It's our nth wedding anniversary, so can you donate a suite to us instead of the [moderately priced] cabin we paid for?"
Are you fucking serious? No. Get out of my lobby. We may say "congratulations" to you on your special day, but that doesn't mean it's OUR special day and you're our buddy or something.

"Can you give me driving directions to [town five states over]?"
No, but here's an atlas and a piece of paper, now bugger off, I'm busy.

"What's your address? I need it for GPS."
It won't work in a GPS unit...
"What's your address anyways?"
[I give them a dubious street address]
"It's not working when I put it in my GPS."
Well HOW ABOUT THAT. Fucker. If you won't let me give you (very simple) driving directions I won't really feel sorry for you when you end up in EBF. (The one exception to this was the guy who wanted to get here from the opposite side of the next state over; I had to pull out my atlas for him.)

"Why can't we see the [things the national park is named after]?"
Because it's dark and there's not a full moon? You really think they're going to light up something bigger than the national debt so you can see it at night?
OR
Because it's foggy...? I would think even a dumbass such as yourself would understand the concept of fog. And no, I don't know when it's going to clear off. If I had a crystal ball that told me the answer to any question asked, do you think I'd be HERE?

And this last one has nothing to do with stupid questions per se, but I found it very revealing.

"So when you were sick [with altitude sickness], did you have trouble thinking?"
(very surprised) Um...yes. Yes I did. (in my own mind) That explains SO MUCH about the questions I get asked on a daily basis...


I apologize if any of these are repeats from my last thread of similar nature. So. What's the dumbest tourist or other customer question you've ever been asked? And what did you wish you could say?

[bhskittykatt]

I once had a dad and son think they'd already reached Canada. When told they were still in the US, "But this used to be Canada at one point, didn't it?"

Yes, because they totally moved the border after the War with Canada.

At my old job I used to get "Does the Alaska ferry really go to Alaska?" No, it goes to San Diego.

Hubby works as a guard at a gated community and gets a lot of "Can we just come in and look around?" from random strangers. Sure, because that's totally the point of a gated community. Go right on in!

[dalesys]

Yes, because they totally moved the border after the War with Canada.

The old $44.50 or fight war, wasn't it?

[wolfie]

The old $44.50 or fight war, wasn't it?

Actually, there was no war over this issue (would have been between Britain and the U.S., since at the time the land in question was a British possession and not part of Canada), and it was 54 degrees 40 minutes latitude. Why this weird number? Because that was the point at which the border of Alaska (at the time, a Russian possession) reached the shore. The U.S. wanted ALL of the "up for grabs" coastline, and to block Britain from having any access to the Pacific.

[Dips]

Saturday I did an unpaid gig at a living history village. I was not in character, nor expected to be. I was eating the nice lunch provided by our hosts before performing and had a conversation with this would-be comedian:

SC: Is that an authentic lunch?

Me: Um. [Takes a bite.] Yup. It's real food! Good too!

SC: Oh Yeah? What's that clear stuff around the sandwich?

Me: [Looks down] [Looks up] Plastic wrap.

He walked off muttering like all would-be comedians do when the joke is on them.

[scruff]

I deal with legally-binding paperwork in the office, so last week I was explaining to new bloke that we had to have a certain report;

me: "See, the manual says this report is mandatory, so we have to have it."
*I highlight the page in the manual that says ".. report.. mandatory.." and give it to new bloke.

new bloke:"I see that, but where does it say we have to have this report?"

me: ".... that's what the 'mandatory' bit means..."

[MoonCat]

Well, there was this one:

A customer wanted to know how to get three Fridays in his 14-day ad. I told him you can't. You get one Friday in 7 days, two Fridays in 14 days, if your ad starts on a Friday it will end on a Thursday.
“And they consider that two weeks?”
Uh, yeah….BECAUSE IT IS.

[Jester]

Q: Question
T: Answer I thought of but didn't say.
A: Answer I gave. You may notice that this is often the only answer listed. I'm a smartass bartender. Do the math.

Q: So, do you live here?
A: No, I commute from Phoenix every day.

Q: Do you put cheese on your nachos?
A: That's kinda the definition of nachos, darlin'.

Q: That Mount Gay Rum...is that a rum designed for gay people to drink?
A: [stunned, slowly and politely explains the long and proud history of Mount Gay, one of the oldest distilleries of any kind in the world.]
T: Well, it IS Key West. Why not have some and see what happens?

Q: What's the weather like on the roof deck? (They had just walked in from outside, and the roof deck is all of one flight up.)
A: It's snowing.

Q: Why is it raining? This is supposed to be Key West!
A: Yes, it is Key West...a tropical island.

Q: How do we get upstairs? (Asked by people standing right in front of the stairs.)
A: You walk...up...the stairs.

Q: Do you have any beer? (He was looking right at me, and I had twelve taps behind me.)
A: No sir, we have no beer here. (He started to walk out, until I told him that, being a bar, of course we have beer.)

And then there are they stupid tourist questions that are so stupid, there is no answer other than to just stare at the people asking them in utter shock that anyone could be that dumb...

How long is the Seven Mile Bridge?
Where's the bridge to Cuba?
How far apart are the Mile Markers?
Does the water go all the way around the island?
What kind of fish can we catch under the island?
How many times a day do you have the Sunset Celebration?

Seriously, don't get me started. I'll tell you about he couple tat was miffed that they could not, with their Buy One Get One Free coupon, simply get the free drink, without actually using one. Or the woman who asked for a virgin Shirley Temple. Or the woman who, upon receiving her soup, said, "Wow, that was fast...did you guys already have it made?"

No. Don't get me started. It's just too easy!

[bhskittykatt]

Where's the bridge to Cuba?

When Hubs lived in Astoria, OR, one of his roommates worked at a local motel. They had a guest from middle-of-nowhere America who was super excited to drive across the bridge to Japan. They were convinced that the Columbia River was the Pacific Ocean and that what they were seeing across the "ocean" was actually Japan instead of Washington State. They were apparently completely convinced of this delusion and no amount of explanation would change their mind. Hubby's roommate eventually gave up and told them she hoped they enjoyed their drive to Japan.

[Lace Neil Singer]

"Why didn't you turn my pump on?" - Asked by a customer who was pointing the nozzle at his face, squeezing the trigger for all he was worth. Fuck knows what he thought he was doing. I replied that he had to put the nozzle in the car, but wanted to reply, "So you don't get a facefull of diesel, you stupid fuck!" Why are these people allowed out alone?

[An Haddock]

Ugh... I don't know why people think they have the magical GPS that works when no other one does.

I live in a town that shares the main street plus the zip code of the town next to it. It's like pulling teeth to get pizzas or anything else delivered half the time. For the first year I lived here, I had to call and scream at Dominos Pizza to NOT go to Town A because I lived in Town B - 2 FREAKING BLOCKS FROM THEIR STORE.

If my knees didn't resemble a substance akin to linguini I would gladly walk down there and pick up in person.

I finally had to call corporate and complain because their computers sucked and none of their drivers took the time to read the special instructions, i.e. GO TO TOWN B.


When I delivered pizzas I had a map book and that was it. I used to laugh my ass off at my employee who lived off his GPS like it was life support. It's like with cell phones - they ruin people. You couldn't give this kid simple directions (go 4 blocks, turn left, turn right) because he'd gotten so used to having the GPS tell him where to go. Like when you forget everyone's phone number because they're all programmed in your cell phone. LEARN TO READ A FRIGGING MAP.

[Ironclad Alibi]

Some people hate to ask me for for directions because I always draw them a map. They don't know what to do with it.

[Mytical]

Just because it amuses me, I decided to answer some of those questions that no sane person would bother answering. Why? Nobody has accused me of being sane, and I have WAYYY too much time on my hands.

How long is the Seven Mile Bridge?
11.2654 Kilometers .. give or take.

Where's the bridge to Cuba?
Oh it's invisible..just drive right off that pier right there.

How far apart are the Mile Markers?
Are we talking country miles or city miles?

Does the water go all the way around the island?
No, not at all..in fact we are secretly not an island. We are a desert, and have everybody brainwashed to see water so they don't try to leave.

What kind of fish can we catch under the island?
The rare Darwin Fish, but you have to stay under for a really long time, and be patient..

How many times a day do you have the Sunset Celebration?
Six times..one for each sun that sets.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Q: Does this water have any carbs in it?
A: ...It's water.

Q: Where's your pharmacy?
A: It might be under the big sign that says 'Pharmacy'...

[Jester]

When I delivered pizzas I had a map book and that was it. I used to laugh my ass off at my employee who lived off his GPS like it was life support. It's like with cell phones - they ruin people.

When I was in Lauderdale last week, I got in a few arguments with my friend, Little Red. Because I had her manning the GPS, but I had also, for a few places, had the foresight to write down directions on my iPad, which she also had in her hands. Because, ya know, I was driving and shit.

On more than one occasion, she'd say, "but Tom Tom said to turn there." And I'd say, "FUCK Tom Tom!"

Anyone wanna guess how many times I was wrong? And how many times Mr. Tom was wrong?

I'll give you a hint....we always got where we were going, never got lost, and did so in efficient fashion. I had the GPS because (A) a friend had given it to me for free, (B) it provided important information, like how far something was, what out ETA was, and what the current speed limits were (something I was unaware GPS did), and (C) in case we did get lost, we had a GPS to get us outta there!

(Answer to above question: Me 0, Tom Tom at least 3 that I recall. Probably more.)

Some people hate to ask me for for directions because I always draw them a map. They don't know what to do with it.

Frequent occurrence at my bar, when people are asking for something not at all far away from the bar while looking at one of the many tourist maps provided for free by various companies down here...

TOURIST: "Where's Blah Blah Blah?"
ME: "Put away your map. You walk down this street to the end, take a right, and follow the harbor walk around." Or whatever. Sometimes, even maps are extraneous.