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  • My Heart is Aching....

    I know I haven't posted about how things are going for awhile, it's seems like it's all gone so fast. I've been seeing my children every Saturday for an hour, and that's been amazing. I have a new love in my life, and though there is a small bit of distance between us and conflicting work schedules, we are very happy together. Career-wise, I have recently applied for a job with another branch of the state (Dept of Children and Families) as well as for a different position at the prison to further my career.

    Things have been going great, overall. Yet the rift between my family and I continues to grow. At this point I'm just waiting for it to separate us forever. And after recent events, I can't honestly say that is something that would sadden me.

    3 weeks ago, my mother called me and more or less told me I was coming up for my dad and sister's birthday dinner. Not that I don't love my dad and sister, but I had been making other plans. But I decided I'd be a good daughter and sacrifice what I wanted to do and make an appearance. Then I spent the next few days stressing out because I hadn't seen my father in awhile and I just knew there would be a fight. Because he had once insisted that I not bring certain aspects of who I am into his home. As I thought about it, I could only see 3 options. I could just not go, and get to hear about how I didn't love my family enough to show. I could go and hear about how I disrespected my father and didn't honor his wishes. Or I could compromise my own identity and integrity and wear a hat or something to hide the way my hair looks now.

    In the end, I decided I would go and not try to look different than I do any other day. Besides, I saw my children before driving up to see my family and I felt it was important that my appearance be consistent while we get reacquainted, as I had only seen them twice before that day. My father did something I didn't expect. He simply ignored me the entire time I was there. He asked me how my fridge was working (as he and my mother had bought me a new one when my old one died in September), and he thanked me for his gift, but he didn't directly say anything else to me. I was fine with that, actually. I'd rather be ignored than fight. My mother commented that my hair looked different (she'd never seen me with a ponytail before), but we had no arguments at all. She even took me for a ride in her new car and didn't ambush me when we were alone with one of her "we need to talk" spiels. We even had a few moments where I thought we bonded.

    Of course, I was wrong about my mother. A week later, I was talking to my sister and telling her how proud of mom I was and she told me about a few comments my mother had made to her after I left. The one that angered me the most was she said having a girlfriend is good for me. Because Beki will "fix" me. I spent almost 10 years with someone who tried to "fix" what she perceived was "wrong" with me, and it almost fucking killed me. And here's my loving mother saying that someone like that is what I need. That was when I gave up hoping my parents will EVER accept me the way I am. I still love them, I won't shut them out of my life, but I'm done thinking they can ever get over themselves and love the daughter I grew up to be.

    Then there was yesterday. My dad has been working in Oklahoma for my uncle's oil company. On weekends he goes up to see my mother or she drives down to see him. She's spending the weekend with him and wanted to bring some candy for the kids. So at least it would be a short visit. The very first thing she said to me was, "What did you do to your HAIR?" We actually got a bonus this year, and I wanted to do something for myself so I got highlights done, and they look amazing. And that was after the last time I saw my mother. I said, "What, you don't like it?" She said, "I like it better the way it used to look." The next thing she did was motion to my outfit (a blue blouse with a blue patterned light scarf and jeans) and say, "And you like looking like..... THAT?" I said, "Yes, actually. I like it very much. What's wrong with how I look?" She said, "It's just not you." So now it was time to argue. Again.

    She went back to every single fucking argument I've heard before and she hadn't tried using in several months. This isn't really me, this is a phase, I'm damaging my children, what would I do if one of my kids turned out like me, what if her or my dad had been like this, what was she supposed to tell people when they asked about me, why can't I at least "tone it down" around family, people are laughing behind my back. All the classics. And she tried a few new ones.

    She said, "You used to hate wearing stripes because you didn't want to look preppy." Seriously? Preppy? Further proof that my mother still sees me as a pre-teen. I said, "I'm not wearing stripes, what are you even talking about?" She motioned to my scarf. I said, "It's not preppy, it's adorable and since this is the last warm day we're going to have this year, it's my last chance to wear this scarf." She made a comment about how I used to want to wear t-shirts and sweats and now all this. I never wanted to wear sweats all the time, we were nearly flat broke when I was 11 and I knew that was what they could afford. Oh, and "How did you get the money for all these new clothes, anyway?" I said, "The same way I always buy clothes. A little at a time. It's not like I went out and bought an entire wardrobe in one day."

    She told me I need to "tone down" my look. That I don't need to "flaunt" myself by wearing makeup and doing my nails. And I need to trim my nails too, they're too long. I said I'm not "flaunting" and she insisted I am. Then she tried to tell me I don't look happy anymore, that I looked happy "before." I said I'm happier than I've ever been in my life and she said it doesn't show. I told her one of these days I will show her all the pictures I've taken of myself the past 18 months. I told her I smile now and asked when the last time was she saw me smile in a picture. She said, "Not since you were very little." I said that's right, because I hated seeing myself and now I don't. I love who I am and I'm happy with myself for the first time in my life.

    At one point she said, "It feels like dealing with a death." I said, "Yes. It is exactly like a death. It's a death and rebirth, and grieving that loss is part of it." She asked what she's supposed to tell people, that I died and now I'm a girl? I said she can tell people whatever she is comfortable telling them, it's not my place to tell her what to say to others.

    Finally she said the thing that hurt me the most, the thing that has had me in tears several times since yesterday. She has become only the second person who has ever cut me so deeply with her words. She sighed and said, "I just wish I knew what went wrong." I said there is nothing wrong with me, and she tried to gracefully recover and say, "No, I wonder what I did." She implied that I am a mistake, I am the result of something that occurred during her pregnancy with me that went "wrong." Yeah, that's totally different than saying something is wrong with me.

    So I hit her with a dose of reality. I told her that there are many people in my life who love me for me. That I have a woman who loves me for who I am and doesn't want me to change. I said, "Do you know what I am to Beki? I am her girlfriend. She's bi, she likes men and women. Just like I do. And we are 2 women in love and she is completely happy with that." All my mom could say was, "Well, I won't say anything about that."

    That was pretty much the end of it. I was more or less done talking to her after the implication that something was wrong with me. She said she loves me. I don't believe that anymore. I believe she and my father love their memory of a child and their hopes for that child. They love the idea of who they think I'm supposed to be, they do not and probably cannot love who I am.

    I love my family. I almost wish I didn't. If I could walk away, if I could just not care what they think, if I didn't crave their acceptance, it would be easier. I would save myself so much pain and heartbreak.

    Overall life has been pretty good to me lately. Yet despite all the blessings, I just spent the last 2 days nursing more inner pain than I've felt in quite awhile, wiping away tears that keep trying to flow. I haven't been brought this low in awhile. Thanks, mom. Love you too.
    "You are loved" - Plaidman.

  • #2
    Kara - I can in no way pretend to understand how hard this is for you, but I can tell you this. Based on the posts I've seen from you, you are a wonderful, beautiful person that has stood up for yourself to make you healthy and happy. Hugs!

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    • #3
      All the way right to the feels.

      I can understand only a fraction of what you must feel, I only dealt with whispers to my parents from conservative aunts and uncles about me being - how they termed it - "wild." (Of course then my grandparents started calling me "wild thing" as a term of endearment just to stick it to my aunts and uncles.)

      You were right to stand up for yourself and point out that you have people that love you for you. You are amazingly strong and you should focus on those people who do love you. There is nothing wrong with you. (This next part is going to sound weird so bare with me.) You should cry. Yeah I know that sounds terrible but tears are a way to release stress and emotion, so do not try to hold them in. Eventually you won't be able to cry anymore, once the last of the stress and tension manages to leak out with the salt water.

      I'm glad that you've been smiling again. That's good. So no matter what anyone says to you otherwise, keep doing what makes you smile. (Okay, you can also do things that make your kids and girlfriend smile, that's good too )

      All the best from me and keep on doing what you do, superstar!
      My Writing Blog -Updated 05/06/2013
      It's so I can get ideas out of my head, I decided to put it in a blog in case people are bored or are curious as to the (many) things in progress.

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      • #4
        *hugs Kara* I'm so sorry that you're still having to put up with this kind of crap.

        You're beautiful and strong, hun. You've been through things that would have finished a lot of people. You shouldn't be asked to go back to being miserable just so others can feel comfortable, whether they're related to you or not.
        Engaged to the sweet Mytical He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.

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        • #5
          Quoth Kara View Post
          She said she loves me. I don't believe that anymore. I believe she and my father love their memory of a child and their hopes for that child. They love the idea of who they think I'm supposed to be, they do not and probably cannot love who I am.
          I think you might be selling your parents a little short there, Kara.

          No, they don't understand what is going on with you. They may not ever fully understand it, based upon what I am guessing is their conservative and traditional background and upbringing.

          Hell, I would be lying if I said *I* understood it. How could I? I'm a straight white guy. So no, I don't understand it. I also don't understand people who eat olives. Doesn't mean I have anything against them. And to me, each situation has about as much weight to me. Because I don't need to understand a situation to be able to accept the person going through that situation. Make sense?

          But that's me. Your parents are clearly not me, and they have known you a lot longer than I have. And they are clearly struggling with this. They don't know how to react, what they are supposed to do. I think I see signs of slow grudging acceptance with your father in the sense that he didn't even bother fighting with you about your appearance. He may not like it, but it sounds like he is slowly resigning himself to the fact that this is the way things are going to be.

          To your mother, to both your parents, they have always been taught that people like you are wrong, not right, weird, odd, something that happens to other people, people in New York, L.A., San Francisco. Definitely not in Middle America in the heartland.

          It will take some time. They may never truly "get it." You need to understand that they are struggling with this just as you struggled with it for a long time. But you knew about it a lot longer than they did. So give them some time to come to terms with it. Allow them time to erode their longheld prejudices and biases.

          As you yourself said, this is a death and a rebirth. They are still coming to grips with the death of their son. Give them some time to grieve that, and some time to learn more about their daughter.

          I could be wrong. But honestly, I think they may surprise you, if you let them.

          I hope you do. And I hope they do.

          Stay strong. And never let them not understanding all of this seem to you like they don't love you. They do. They're your parents. They have no choice in the matter, just as you had no choice in who you are. So give them time to learn and accept, just as you needed time.

          They're your parents. Which means they are made of sterner stuff than you give them credit for. After all....YOU came from them.

          "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
          Still A Customer."

          Comment


          • #6
            How old are your parents? A certain generation was taught long ago that certain changes in people are wrong & no amount of arguing is ever going to make them change their particular mind-set.
            Sounds like to me, maybe I'm wrong here, but it sounds like you're trying to make them like the way you are now & you keep running into a brick wall & that's got you frustrated, upset & depressed. You can't change them no matter how hard you try. Agree to disagree & move on. It's not worth your sanity or well-being.
            You're happy & well-adjusted with your self, right? Well then, that ought be good enough.

            Comment


            • #7
              I know this is a 2-way thing. It took me time to get to this point, it's going to take them time to adjust, if they ever will. I suspect my father actually has accepted, at the very least he's at a point where he's thrown his hands in the air and said, "Well, this is how it is." He's actually only argued with me once about my identity and I think I really did get through to him. He just doesn't know how to respond anymore.

              With mother, it's hard for me because I've always been closer to her. I came out to her almost 2 years ago. And to this day she is making the same arguments and being in the same mindset as she was then. And that's incredibly frustrating. People who've known me most of my life who know me now have come to terms and accept me the way I am. My sister and I are closer than we've ever been. And I know that with my mother, it's not so much that she cannot accept me, she simply will not. It's like she's making a conscious effort to not budge, to keep her mind closed to the idea. Which is why we rehash the exact same argument. Every single time.
              "You are loved" - Plaidman.

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              • #8
                I can't even imagine what this is like for you guys. But I think your comment about it being like a death is probably pretty accurate. They have to mourn the old you before they can begin to accept the new you.

                I hope they can at least get to the point of realizing this has nothing to do with them or what they did. And it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you.

                Be easy on yourself. You're happy and comfortable with yourself. That's all that matters.
                "If you pray very hard, you can become a cat person." -Angela, "The Office"

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                • #9
                  /hugs Kara.

                  I for one think you're amazing. It may not mean as much as if it came from your family, but many here think that of you.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Kara, I am so super delighted to hear that you are spending time with your kids. I keep thinking of you all and wondering how that has been going. Are the kids having any issues with your new appearance ? I am sure they are just loving being able to spend time with you and getting to know you all over again.

                    It hurts when parents don't want to or are not able to accept the changes that we make in our lives. In this case, it is you finally being who you really are and being comfortable in your own skin. Try to let the anger and anguish that you are feeling at the whole situation go. It will take them time to accept the changes that life has dealt. They may never fully accept those changes. It seems that there is a lot of fear of the unknown and things changing from what they have known for so very long.

                    Give them time. This change did not happen over night and their feelings won't change over night. Understand that when they say things that feel hurtful, it may simply be a way of making themselves hurt less. They may not mean it to hurt you, but rather may be trying to figure out if there was anything that they should have seen long ago that would have allowed them to see that you were not who yo used to be but who you are now. They may be chastising themselves subconsciously for not realizing that you were not what you appeared to be and they should have seen it earlier.

                    Just don't give up on them. Limit your time with them as needed. Leave if you have to, never feel like you have to stay somewhere you are not comfortable.

                    But most of all be happy. Your new girlfriend sounds wonderful. I am excited to hear that you have a positive person in your life.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      *hugs Kara*

                      I don't know why your mom can't see who we see here.

                      You're important no matter what. Why does she keep pushing you into her mold for you? Why does she need that to feel whole?

                      I'm mad at her for your sake. *hugs Kara again* <3 <3
                      1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass.
                      -----
                      http://orchidcolors.livejournal.com (A blog about everything and nothing)

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                      • #12
                        I am going to try very hard not to venture into Fratching territory here, but I think there is something that needs to be considered by Kara. I had a problem with my parents--still do--not accepting me as who I am. I have had a very difficult time becoming self-reliant as an adult for the simple reason that my parents tried so hard to make me self-reliant starting very early that I wound up getting the message that they didn't trust me to learn and grow by myself. I was always criticized for what I did wrong, never praised for what I did right. As a result, I have struggled for years with feeling I wasn't good enough and clinging to my parents (ironic, yes,) because I felt I wasn't good enough to take care of myself and make my own decisions. I have grown since, and am still growing out of it, but I have had a lot of anger since my parent's attitudes haven't changed towards me. My counselor, however, said something profound to me that changed my thinking. He told me, "You cannot change other people. You know your parents are the way they are, and they are set in their ways, and they are unlikely to change. You have to accept that and move on in your relationship with them instead of holding it over them."

                        I think in your desire to have your parents accept you for who you are, you have forgotten to accept them for who they are. You have changed radically over the past few years into a person they don't understand and find very difficult to accept--but do they still love you? From what you've told me, I think they do, and they are doing their best. However, that doesn't change the fact that their belief system and their mindset is and has been that what you are is wrong, and that is how they grew up, the way society has viewed it for centuries until very recently, and a matter of ongoing political and religious debate to this very day. Accept that they believe what they believe, that they are who they are, and that even with their disapproval, they haven't completely severed contact, they have tried to reach out to you, and they have never said they hate you or that they don't love you. (At least, you haven't mentioned it that I remember.) You grow angry that you feel they are trying to change you, accept them for who they are, since their beliefs are part of them, just as your beliefs about your sexuality are part of you. And even if you never see eye to eye on this, you have to accept that and move on as best as possible and sit down with them, have a talk, say, "Look, I know we may never agree on this, but I would appreciate it if we could agree to disagree on this and move on. I still want you both in my life, and I would appreciate that you would accept that I am going to be like this and would appreciate it if you would please not say anything to make me uncomfortable, even if you don't agree with it in your heads. I just don't want to fight about this anymore." That may be the best thing.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I'm going to disagree with most everyone here.

                          You do not deserve to be treated the way your family treats you. Period. Nobody does.

                          I think you've been trying for a long time to get them to accept you, and that involves a lot of exposing yourself to their abuse. Even when they're trying to be nice they're still insulting you. Your mother wonders what she did wrong! Of course she's not worried about what she's doing wrong NOW. What a piece of shit.

                          Ditch them. If you can avoid your mother, father, and siblings without giving up your children, do it. We don't choose the families we're born into. But if we have the mindfulness to realize that our families hurt more than they help us, we can leave.

                          You'll keep hoping for their acceptance, trying to be the good daughter and go to birthday parties, and you'll keep getting slammed by the people who are supposed to love you. At some point you're going to realize that it's not worth the effort for people who aren't going to put in any effort on their side.

                          If you don't want to be hurt that way anymore, cut off contact with them. It's not cruel, it's not evil, it's not ungrateful. It's protection. You'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner, because you'll feel so free and happy without their constant emotional torture.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Thanks guys. I'm not so down today. Down, but not as bad as I've been since Friday.

                            Quoth Shpepper View Post
                            Are the kids having any issues with your new appearance ? I am sure they are just loving being able to spend time with you and getting to know you all over again.
                            The kids have been fine. They already knew, and I can guarantee my ex has been telling them things. I probably don't want to know all she's been telling them over the last almost 2 years. The first visit was nearly heartbreaking for me. It was a 2 hour visit and when the kids were first brought to the room, they got underneath a table on the other side of the room from me and stayed there. They'd go get a toy, then take it back under the table. They wouldn't look at me or talk to me for about the first hour. Eventually they started getting a little more daring and playing NEXT to the table. After awhile, I got up and walked over to a chair near them and asked my oldest son if I could sit there. He started to nod, then looked at my daughter and she shook her head no. Then he looked back at me and said, "Yeah." I just let them dictate the entire visit and would periodically ask permission to sit by them or if they needed any help setting things up. Finally, with about 10 minutes left in the visit, my youngest son walked over and said, "I want to know how the pets are doing." I told him I was very sorry but the bunnies got sick and died shortly after they moved out, and our chinchilla died of old age a few months ago. My daughter asked about the dog and I said she was living with my parents because she needed more space and they have a fenced yard, and that she is very happy there. Then my oldest son showed me where he lost a tooth that morning. I asked him if it hurt and he said no, it came loose when he was eating breakfast and his dad pulled it out for him.

                            Starting the second week, we went to 1 hour visits because that's what I can afford. They only spent about 20 minutes being quiet and keeping to themselves before they gave up and started playing on their own and occasionally talking to me. There is an air hockey table in the room and my oldest son wanted me to play with him, and after a few minutes, I was playing against all 3 of my children at the same time. Since that visit, they haven't needed a "warmup" period, they just jump right in and play and ask me to help, ask me to play games with them, and just talk to me (they don't tell me much about how/what they are doing at home and school and I'm going to guess that's what they've been instructed to do by my ex). My appearance hasn't had any effect on my children, we are just reconnecting and things are great. The people at the family services place have told me that I am doing everything perfectly and that there have been no issues or anything I could have or should have handled differently. So I don't think the supervised visits will last long before we go to unsupervised visits.

                            Quoth Flying Grype View Post
                            Ditch them. If you can avoid your mother, father, and siblings without giving up your children, do it.
                            While I agree that I don't deserve the treatment I've had from my mother, I have to politely disagree with you on this. I turned my back on my family once when I shouldn't have. I closed them out of my life for 3 years and I hurt them a lot by doing so. And it also hurt me to do that, even though I denied it for a long time. My heart is too big to allow me to do that again, to hurt the ones I love. I simply can't do it. And besides, my sister and I are now very close. And as I've said, I've come to believe my father has accepted the truth, though he doesn't necessarily agree with it or know how to respond to me now. And as stubborn and stuck in her ways as my mother is, she is still my mother and I can't give up on her, even though there are times I wish I could.
                            "You are loved" - Plaidman.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Sorry, Grype, but I couldn't disagree with you more. (Nothing personal.)

                              No, your parents aren't treating you the way you want to be treated, but we all know that there is far worse treatment by parents in the world, and it has to be remembered that your parents are obviously struggling with this change in what they thought was their little boy.

                              I told you you should talk to them, and I still think you should. But I think you should approach it as a "folks, this is the way I am, this is the way I've always been, and this is the way I'm going to be, so I hope you can start to try to understand and accept that," rather than going the "this is the way I am and you have to accept it!" route.

                              Because dropping ultimatums is like dropping bombs--it just creates one big mess, and is very destructive.

                              Give them time to accept what you are, and remember, it took you your whole life to understand it yourself. They deserve some time as well.

                              "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                              Still A Customer."

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