Tweet
Why do you hate me, Lord?
Oi, nothing like being harassed by wannabe gang bangers on the way to work to start the night off well. >.>
The Hive
So, as I was waiting in line at 7/11 this evening I noticed something…moving…..in the doughnut case. That’s a red flag moment to begin with. But upon closer inspection it turned out to be a wasp. Lovely. I pointed this out to the girl who was doing inventory on said doughnuts at the time with the wasp right in front of her face and received the response:
"Oh, yes. They're just hungry! <giggle>"
That's so not the issue here….you have hate flies in your Simpson's movie doughnuts.
Full Moon
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "Yes….no….uh….I'm a passenger!"
Whew! I'm glad we cleared that up. I was honestly worried there for a minute. I had NO idea who or what was calling me! I mean ANYONE could just pick up a phone and dial this number! Anyone! Even werewolves! Yes! Werewolves! They lust for human flesh and affordable accommodations in or around Las Vegas preferably on the strip with a 24 hour shuttle and a pool if at all possible.
Don't go out onto the moors at night!
867
Me: "Ok, and your name?"
SC: "Tragically Shallow Genepool."
Me: "Alright, a-"
SC: "I'VE ORDERED FROM YEW BEFORE~#@"
Me: ".....ok. What's your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xx-I'VE ORDERED FROM YEW BAEFOKAOE~#"
Me: "...yes, but I still need this information to place a new order for you. So what's your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xxx-xxxx"
Me: "Ok, and what's your postal code?"
SC: "I'VE ORDERED FROM YEWA BAEFOR~$"
I AM AWARE OF THAT THANK YOU. However, I do have serious doubts about that claim the longer this call goes on. If you had truly ordered before I'd like to think that the client would have sent us some sort of notice or advanced warning or something. Even smoke signals or a carrier pigeon would suffice.
At the very least there better be a God damn cookie waiting for me at the end of this call....and it better be peanut butter too.
( Sadly there was no cookie. Only emptiness. )
867
Me: "Ok, so thats one <item>"
SC: "YES!"
Me: "in large and-"
SC: "YES!"
Me: "-black....."
SC: "YES!"
Me: "......anything else?"
SC: ".....YES!"
There's a very obvious joke to be had here. However the mental image that accompanies it is horrifying enough to make a puppy cry tears of blood and hang itself with your daughter's jump rope on Christmas morning. From the tree.
So lets not go there.
Removing All Doubt
SC: "Hi, this is the blah blah hotel in Salt Lake City. Is Delta Airlines going to send us anymore passengers?"
Logic dictates you should call and ask Delta Airlines for this information. But luckily logic never entered into your thought process. Whew. Dodged a bullet there didn't you? You almost had one person in the entire world that you'd spoken with who didn't think you were some sort of low caliber quilt sucker.
Afterlife
"We had a dead skunk on the road out at....I completely forgot. One sec. Where are you Mr Skunk? Hmmm....Mr Skunnnk...."
Mr Skunk is heading towards the light. Let us have a moment of being stuck in an elevator with 5 other people and one of them just passed gas but no one wants to say anything so everyone just suffers in silence....in remembrance.
Suspense
SC: "The debit's down and I can't close out yesterday's….."
Me: "……..yesterday's?"
SC: "…….."
Me: "…..yesterday's what?
SC: "......."
Yesterday's sales? Batches? Accounts? Otters? Alaskan All Male Water Polo Stripper Platoon? What is it man? Speak up!
Pearls of Wisdom
Me: "it’s the South Terminal at the old airport."
SC: "You say its called the Sales Terminal?"
Me: "The South Terminal."
SC: "Sooth Terminal?"
Me: "South. As in the direction? South."
SC: "Soaf Terminal?"
Pay attention. I'm trying to impart upon you a tiny nugget of the abstract thing known as "knowledge". It is something you have a dire need for even if you are unaware of it yourself. I keep dropping this sparkling gradual of wisdom and you keep failing to catch it. Considering the sheer absence of this substance in your life I wouldn't be ignoring it so nonchalantly if I were you. I'd be diving to the pavement after that little bugger and licking it off the sidewalk like a starving dog after a bacon bit.
867
Me: "Alright, would you like anything else?"
SC: "Jus' a minute, he's lookin' at hats."
I'm sure he is. Since you've already ordered the pants. That could only leave hats. I'm sure he's looking at the hats. *Really* looking. Since you just had to order them I'm also assuming he's not wearing any pants while he gazes lustfully at the hats. Knowing the unnatural obsession men from your area seem to have with the head adornments in question so I can with a reasonable amount of confidence predict that as soon as that package arrives your marriage / civil union / relative you were accidentally impregnated by at the last family reunion is probably over. He'll spend the long, cold nights curled up on his sweat stained plaid couch quietly rubbing his new love against his groin while he watches reruns of Danger Bay on the one TV in the house that still works but is sitting atop of the other TV which doesn't work because you don't own a TV stand so you just threw the table cloth you stole from KFC over the old one.
Day 1... ><
The Hive
So, as I was waiting in line at 7/11 this evening I noticed something…moving…..in the doughnut case. That’s a red flag moment to begin with. But upon closer inspection it turned out to be a wasp. Lovely. I pointed this out to the girl who was doing inventory on said doughnuts at the time with the wasp right in front of her face and received the response:
"Oh, yes. They're just hungry! <giggle>"
That's so not the issue here….you have hate flies in your Simpson's movie doughnuts.
Full Moon
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "Yes….no….uh….I'm a passenger!"
Whew! I'm glad we cleared that up. I was honestly worried there for a minute. I had NO idea who or what was calling me! I mean ANYONE could just pick up a phone and dial this number! Anyone! Even werewolves! Yes! Werewolves! They lust for human flesh and affordable accommodations in or around Las Vegas preferably on the strip with a 24 hour shuttle and a pool if at all possible.
Don't go out onto the moors at night!
867
Me: "Ok, and your name?"
SC: "Tragically Shallow Genepool."
Me: "Alright, a-"
SC: "I'VE ORDERED FROM YEW BEFORE~#@"
Me: ".....ok. What's your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xx-I'VE ORDERED FROM YEW BAEFOKAOE~#"
Me: "...yes, but I still need this information to place a new order for you. So what's your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xxx-xxxx"
Me: "Ok, and what's your postal code?"
SC: "I'VE ORDERED FROM YEWA BAEFOR~$"
I AM AWARE OF THAT THANK YOU. However, I do have serious doubts about that claim the longer this call goes on. If you had truly ordered before I'd like to think that the client would have sent us some sort of notice or advanced warning or something. Even smoke signals or a carrier pigeon would suffice.
At the very least there better be a God damn cookie waiting for me at the end of this call....and it better be peanut butter too.
( Sadly there was no cookie. Only emptiness. )
867
Me: "Ok, so thats one <item>"
SC: "YES!"
Me: "in large and-"
SC: "YES!"
Me: "-black....."
SC: "YES!"
Me: "......anything else?"
SC: ".....YES!"
There's a very obvious joke to be had here. However the mental image that accompanies it is horrifying enough to make a puppy cry tears of blood and hang itself with your daughter's jump rope on Christmas morning. From the tree.
So lets not go there.
Removing All Doubt
SC: "Hi, this is the blah blah hotel in Salt Lake City. Is Delta Airlines going to send us anymore passengers?"
Logic dictates you should call and ask Delta Airlines for this information. But luckily logic never entered into your thought process. Whew. Dodged a bullet there didn't you? You almost had one person in the entire world that you'd spoken with who didn't think you were some sort of low caliber quilt sucker.
Afterlife
"We had a dead skunk on the road out at....I completely forgot. One sec. Where are you Mr Skunk? Hmmm....Mr Skunnnk...."
Mr Skunk is heading towards the light. Let us have a moment of being stuck in an elevator with 5 other people and one of them just passed gas but no one wants to say anything so everyone just suffers in silence....in remembrance.
Suspense
SC: "The debit's down and I can't close out yesterday's….."
Me: "……..yesterday's?"
SC: "…….."
Me: "…..yesterday's what?
SC: "......."
Yesterday's sales? Batches? Accounts? Otters? Alaskan All Male Water Polo Stripper Platoon? What is it man? Speak up!
Pearls of Wisdom
Me: "it’s the South Terminal at the old airport."
SC: "You say its called the Sales Terminal?"
Me: "The South Terminal."
SC: "Sooth Terminal?"
Me: "South. As in the direction? South."
SC: "Soaf Terminal?"
Pay attention. I'm trying to impart upon you a tiny nugget of the abstract thing known as "knowledge". It is something you have a dire need for even if you are unaware of it yourself. I keep dropping this sparkling gradual of wisdom and you keep failing to catch it. Considering the sheer absence of this substance in your life I wouldn't be ignoring it so nonchalantly if I were you. I'd be diving to the pavement after that little bugger and licking it off the sidewalk like a starving dog after a bacon bit.
867
Me: "Alright, would you like anything else?"
SC: "Jus' a minute, he's lookin' at hats."
I'm sure he is. Since you've already ordered the pants. That could only leave hats. I'm sure he's looking at the hats. *Really* looking. Since you just had to order them I'm also assuming he's not wearing any pants while he gazes lustfully at the hats. Knowing the unnatural obsession men from your area seem to have with the head adornments in question so I can with a reasonable amount of confidence predict that as soon as that package arrives your marriage / civil union / relative you were accidentally impregnated by at the last family reunion is probably over. He'll spend the long, cold nights curled up on his sweat stained plaid couch quietly rubbing his new love against his groin while he watches reruns of Danger Bay on the one TV in the house that still works but is sitting atop of the other TV which doesn't work because you don't own a TV stand so you just threw the table cloth you stole from KFC over the old one.
Day 1... ><
[/url]
Comment