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I sort of lucked out on Jury Duty. That is to say, I am excused for this week but have no idea when they'll actually want me to come in. Unfortunately, I am not excused from work, but on the bright side I have more time to figure out how to tie my headset cord to the girders in the ceiling above me and hang myself.
Before I get started, I had to share this. The following conversation occurred the other day between my SO and our 2 year old:
Her: Okay, let's get your shoes on so we can go bye-bye.
2YO: No. Asshat!
*SO raises an eyebrow at me.
ME (innocent look): I swear, I don't know where the kids pick up things like this
Yeah, I'm a bad girl. But I have so much fun.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Matron of Evil
FAIL
ME: Could I just have your mobile phone number please?
SM: I know it! It's..... uh..... it's..... I know! It's..... around here.....somewhere....uuuuuuuuuh.....
Wow, you really sounded confident at the beginning. I could actually hear the hamster's dying gasps as it somehow managed to get its head stuck in the bars of the wheel and strangle itself. Which makes you an idiot and a hamster-killer. Jerk.
You're Yelling at the WRONG Person
Customer called in upset because he wanted to take a line out of his sister's name and put it in his name. That's fine, we just need her to call in and authorize this because it's her account. He proceeds to throw a fit for 20 minutes because his sister told him she did call in and take care of it (she didn't). Okay, fine. Don't call me. Call her. Rant at her. There's not a single thing I can do about this. Oh, and his brilliant argument for not calling her?
SM: She alread lied to me about calling in for me once, how can I be sure she won't do it again?
I don't know. But I do know it's her account and she can do whatever she damn well pleases with it. You have no legal claim to it at all. More importantly, allow me to remind you that I have nothing to do with what your sister does or does not do!
I'm Hereby Imposing a Tax on Stupid
ME: I have X plan available for $XX.XX, and-
SW: You're lying! You say $XX.XX, but then you add taxes to it!
ME: Well... yes, you do pay taxes for service.
SW: So why don't you tell me the price after tax? You should tell people the price after tax instead of lying and saying $XX.XX!
Yeah, I'll do that. Just to make YOU happy, as opposed to the 30 million other customers I have who understand that taxes are a fact of life. Have you ever been to a store that shows the after-tax amount on the price tag? Of course not. And by the way, taxes are super wonky with phones. You have sales tax, federal, state, county, and/or city taxes and fees, not to mention all the fun little telecommunications surcharges from the FCC. So it's impossible for me to know every tax or fee you'll have on your bill. And you shouldn't expect me to.
My Poor Brain....
SW: Why is there a charge on my credit statement to (MY COMPANY)?
ME: I see we received a payment from you by credit card on XX/XX. Did you not make that payment?
SW: Well, yes, but I mail my payment in!
ME: Did you send a check, or did you fill out the credit card payment information on the bill remittance slip?
SW: I.... um... oh, maybe that's what I did.
Don't make me take you to pretzel town using my psycho-flexic powers (bonus points for ref).
My Hate Flows Like a River
ME: I'm sorry, but your warranty expired last week.
SM: But I've been calling about this for over a month!
ME: I see you called on 09/12, and we advised you to reset the phone.
SM: And I did! And it didn't work!
ME: So..... you called on the 2nd, two weeks later, and we advised you to reinstall the software.
SM: That didn't work either!
ME: So.... you are calling a week later.
SM: I'm busy! I'm a truck driver, I'm on the road!
ME: When you called on the 12th, and your phone still didn't work, why didn't you call back until 2 weeks later?
SM: That's not the point!
No, that's completely the point, and you missed it by a mile. If you're a trucker and on the road all the time, that's all the more reason you should make it a priority to get your sole means of communication fixed.
Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law...
SW: I need a number from my call records.
ME: You can view your call records online.
SW: No, I want you to tell me the number, I don't have time for that.
ME: Unfortunately, due to FCC privacy regulations, I cannot provide personal information over the phone. I can confirm it if you provide it to me first.
SW: I don't want personal information. Just a number from my call records.
ME: Yes, a number from your call records, which is personal information that I cannot disclose by phone. You can log in securely to your online account and view your call detail.
SW: NO! I'm not going to sit here and have you tell me you can't give me information from my own account!
ME: If there was any way I could provide that information to you, I would. But I can't do that.
SW: YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I ASK!
ME: Ma'am, I cannot and will not break a federal law for you.
SW: I'm not trying to hear what it is you're telling me!
Yeah, I gathered that much. But I already knew that, and it doesn't change the fact that I refuse to have the FCC on me because you're too lazy to look up the information yourself.
Before I get started, I had to share this. The following conversation occurred the other day between my SO and our 2 year old:
Her: Okay, let's get your shoes on so we can go bye-bye.
2YO: No. Asshat!
*SO raises an eyebrow at me.
ME (innocent look): I swear, I don't know where the kids pick up things like this
Yeah, I'm a bad girl. But I have so much fun.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Matron of Evil
FAIL
ME: Could I just have your mobile phone number please?
SM: I know it! It's..... uh..... it's..... I know! It's..... around here.....somewhere....uuuuuuuuuh.....
Wow, you really sounded confident at the beginning. I could actually hear the hamster's dying gasps as it somehow managed to get its head stuck in the bars of the wheel and strangle itself. Which makes you an idiot and a hamster-killer. Jerk.
You're Yelling at the WRONG Person
Customer called in upset because he wanted to take a line out of his sister's name and put it in his name. That's fine, we just need her to call in and authorize this because it's her account. He proceeds to throw a fit for 20 minutes because his sister told him she did call in and take care of it (she didn't). Okay, fine. Don't call me. Call her. Rant at her. There's not a single thing I can do about this. Oh, and his brilliant argument for not calling her?
SM: She alread lied to me about calling in for me once, how can I be sure she won't do it again?
I don't know. But I do know it's her account and she can do whatever she damn well pleases with it. You have no legal claim to it at all. More importantly, allow me to remind you that I have nothing to do with what your sister does or does not do!
I'm Hereby Imposing a Tax on Stupid
ME: I have X plan available for $XX.XX, and-
SW: You're lying! You say $XX.XX, but then you add taxes to it!
ME: Well... yes, you do pay taxes for service.
SW: So why don't you tell me the price after tax? You should tell people the price after tax instead of lying and saying $XX.XX!
Yeah, I'll do that. Just to make YOU happy, as opposed to the 30 million other customers I have who understand that taxes are a fact of life. Have you ever been to a store that shows the after-tax amount on the price tag? Of course not. And by the way, taxes are super wonky with phones. You have sales tax, federal, state, county, and/or city taxes and fees, not to mention all the fun little telecommunications surcharges from the FCC. So it's impossible for me to know every tax or fee you'll have on your bill. And you shouldn't expect me to.
My Poor Brain....
SW: Why is there a charge on my credit statement to (MY COMPANY)?
ME: I see we received a payment from you by credit card on XX/XX. Did you not make that payment?
SW: Well, yes, but I mail my payment in!
ME: Did you send a check, or did you fill out the credit card payment information on the bill remittance slip?
SW: I.... um... oh, maybe that's what I did.
Don't make me take you to pretzel town using my psycho-flexic powers (bonus points for ref).
My Hate Flows Like a River
ME: I'm sorry, but your warranty expired last week.
SM: But I've been calling about this for over a month!
ME: I see you called on 09/12, and we advised you to reset the phone.
SM: And I did! And it didn't work!
ME: So..... you called on the 2nd, two weeks later, and we advised you to reinstall the software.
SM: That didn't work either!
ME: So.... you are calling a week later.
SM: I'm busy! I'm a truck driver, I'm on the road!
ME: When you called on the 12th, and your phone still didn't work, why didn't you call back until 2 weeks later?
SM: That's not the point!
No, that's completely the point, and you missed it by a mile. If you're a trucker and on the road all the time, that's all the more reason you should make it a priority to get your sole means of communication fixed.
Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law...
SW: I need a number from my call records.
ME: You can view your call records online.
SW: No, I want you to tell me the number, I don't have time for that.
ME: Unfortunately, due to FCC privacy regulations, I cannot provide personal information over the phone. I can confirm it if you provide it to me first.
SW: I don't want personal information. Just a number from my call records.
ME: Yes, a number from your call records, which is personal information that I cannot disclose by phone. You can log in securely to your online account and view your call detail.
SW: NO! I'm not going to sit here and have you tell me you can't give me information from my own account!
ME: If there was any way I could provide that information to you, I would. But I can't do that.
SW: YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I ASK!
ME: Ma'am, I cannot and will not break a federal law for you.
SW: I'm not trying to hear what it is you're telling me!
Yeah, I gathered that much. But I already knew that, and it doesn't change the fact that I refuse to have the FCC on me because you're too lazy to look up the information yourself.
"
(To the tune of "you took my jooooob" from South Park, even!)
I AM the evil bastard!
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