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So before I sign out for the weekend this afternoon I thought I would leave you with a laugh.
Many many years ago I was working for an Aviation group, they flew a special kind of plane called a Hawkeye. Now we had a guy there I will call Bama Boy or BB. He was 7th generation Alabama from a family tree that must have looked like a telephone pole. There are three stories about BB that come to mind so let’s start with the first one.
It was a nice warm summer night and the Aviation Group was working late. The Airfield they were normally on was being repaved so they had been moved about 40 miles away to an alternate field. As it was about midnight and all maintenance had been done they sent BB out to “Lock up the Birds” This involved walking a half mile to where the 4 birds were parked, going inside putting locking bars on the emergency hatches and then exiting the plane vie the Main Entrance Hatch or (MEH) closing it and putting a locking bar on it from the outside.
Well about an hour maybe hour and half goes by and everyone is sitting around waiting on the word to go home, then the phone rings. The Boss down the hall answers and this is what we all hear.
Boss “ There’s a F*&K*NG WHAT!!!! What do you mean someone is locked in the plane? OK!!!” Slams phone” “Where the hell is BB”
Well we all start looking for BB we send people to McDonald's and out to look in cars (he liked to sneak off and nap in unlocked cars) we look in the smoke pit and every nook and cranny we could find but no BB. After about 20 min of this frantic searching the Boss hops on a tow tractor and drives out to the plane to see what’s up with this unfortunate soul that BB has locked inside. (This is where the story was later retold to us)
Upon getting close to the plane they see BB standing on the tail frantically waiving his hands in the air and we assume screaming but as all the jet noise no one could hear him. The Boss pulls up and yells at BB what’s going on and BB tells him he is locked inside. BB upon becoming locked in inside climbed out the emergency escape hatch on the top and walked back to the tale section. So the Boss walks around to the MEH that is still open…. (I assume at this point he was creating new cuss words) he enters the plane and heads aft to the tail section. By this time BB has climbed back inside the plane. Now there is this tiny plastic door used for sound abatement. Think paper thin with some foam on it. BB is yelling through this door that it’s locked and he is stuck. So Boss reaches out and pushes the door open…… Seems BB was pushing on a pull door.
Yes folks I have known and worked with the only man to have ever lock himself inside of an airplane with no door locks.
BB Part 2
So this happened about a year after the last incident.
One day BB walks in to the Maintenance Control office and falls down curling up in to a ball. He says to the boss (Hillbilly accent) “Boss I kant woork tu day I gots bad gas” I am not joking that is what he actually said. So Boss man says for someone to take him over to medical. The duty driver gets him to medical and they take one look at him and say he needs to go to the hospital. So he gets hauled over to the hospital, upon arriving he is turning Simpson yellow. Well the Hospital takes on look at him and does an emergency operation. In fact he had 2 in 24 hours. His Kidneys, and Liver, were shutting down. He had every kind of stone one can have in his body. In short he was dying. ….
They saved him.. the bastards….
Now the Doctors wanted to know what this guy was doing that would have cause this issue. So lots of OSHA inspections and people crawling up everyone’s orifices back at the shop. That’s when we pointed out that BB ate at McDonald’s 4 to 5 times a day. He ate Breakfast Lunch Dinner and then would go out for a late evening snack. His roommate worked in the shop and confirmed this. The Hospital flushed his impacted colon and he lost over 35 pounds in less than a week.
He was released after 8 days and was put on convalescence leave, he showed up at the shop with his paperwork before leaving… he showed up carrying a full McDonald's bag. I told him use a gun it would be faster, cheaper, and less painful.
To this day I can’t even pass a McDonald’s without shuddering.
BB Part 3 BB gets laid!
Ok so the setup, BB (Who was 35 when this happened) is roommates with Corn-fed, Corn-fed has a sister who we will call Vegas. Vegas as in a Pro (Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge know what I mean Govner?) So Corn-fed wanted to get his sister out of that life style and flew her from Vegas to VA to live.
So one day at a high-end function for the Organization (read all in pressed and dressed and glitz) Corn-Fed, Corn-feds wife, BB, Vegas, yours truly, and Sissy (We will talk about her another day) are all sitting at a table. Well BB is acting like a faithful hound crossed with an over protective parent to Vegas. So at one point Vegas tells him to fuck off and go get everyone a drink. So he leaves. Well we all look at Vegas and ask WTF is going on and she says
“Ever since I screwed him he won’t leave me alone”
To which we all dye laughing. See we had all known BB to be a virgin so his first was a Pro. But then the larger question came to pass, I looked at Vegas and said
“What in Hades name would possess you to screw that?” Without missing a beat Vegas said
“I was bored and there was nothing on TV”
The only way BB ever got his cherry punched was a Bored ex prostitute had nothing on TV to watch.
But it doesn’t end there folks… Oh no!!!
So after about 3 or 4 Months of BB annoying Vegas she had had enough. Seems the clincher was when he went out and bought a fat rock on a ring and proposed. Vegas told Corn-Fed good luck and she was bouncing, then took the next train to Chicago. So when BB got home from work and found out the love of his life had run away he went AWOL to try and find her and I quote “Brung her back cause she a gid gil at’s ost hr way.” (I am not joking you have no idea how hard it is to type how this guy spoke) So he disappears for a week, seems he found her and she in no uncertain terms told him to GTFO! When he wouldn’t listen she had a friend in Chicago rough him up and he left with his tail between his legs.
So he gets back home to face the music at work and of course they do a mandatory Drug test. So he tells them there is no point as he “MIGHT” have smoked some crack but he doesn’t know…. (I know I’m at a loss on that one too) So they Wiz Quiz him and sadly no.. he had not done drugs. (The luck of the idiotic) So he gets in a fairly large amount of trouble but not career ending.
Well while on restriction he meets his new soul mate.. (Face Palm) This women was beat with the whole ugly tree ever bloody branch we will call her Scary. They were the perfect match. Between his fat, balding, lazy, I.Q under 60 and her bowleg, balding, I.Q under 70 it was … well scary. They fall in “love” and promptly get married. Makes sense he already had the ring. So he ends up going to work for the local Sewage Treatment Facility at local Government since he was never going to be promoted at job.
One day Scary stops by my office to show me her and BB’s new baby. Yes folks they bred,
Now I’m a sarcastic person but I am also brutally honest so never ask me a question you expect me to lie in an answer.
So when Scary holds up her creature and says “isn’t my baby beautifully” my natural response was “Oh crap I’m going to puke” and I leave the room.
I know people say every baby is beautiful but that’s a lie. I have met three hideously ugly ones. Maybe they will be ugly ducklings, but if their parents are any indication they got screwed in the gene pool.
That is the BB saga and your weekend funny.
Many many years ago I was working for an Aviation group, they flew a special kind of plane called a Hawkeye. Now we had a guy there I will call Bama Boy or BB. He was 7th generation Alabama from a family tree that must have looked like a telephone pole. There are three stories about BB that come to mind so let’s start with the first one.
It was a nice warm summer night and the Aviation Group was working late. The Airfield they were normally on was being repaved so they had been moved about 40 miles away to an alternate field. As it was about midnight and all maintenance had been done they sent BB out to “Lock up the Birds” This involved walking a half mile to where the 4 birds were parked, going inside putting locking bars on the emergency hatches and then exiting the plane vie the Main Entrance Hatch or (MEH) closing it and putting a locking bar on it from the outside.
Well about an hour maybe hour and half goes by and everyone is sitting around waiting on the word to go home, then the phone rings. The Boss down the hall answers and this is what we all hear.
Boss “ There’s a F*&K*NG WHAT!!!! What do you mean someone is locked in the plane? OK!!!” Slams phone” “Where the hell is BB”
Well we all start looking for BB we send people to McDonald's and out to look in cars (he liked to sneak off and nap in unlocked cars) we look in the smoke pit and every nook and cranny we could find but no BB. After about 20 min of this frantic searching the Boss hops on a tow tractor and drives out to the plane to see what’s up with this unfortunate soul that BB has locked inside. (This is where the story was later retold to us)
Upon getting close to the plane they see BB standing on the tail frantically waiving his hands in the air and we assume screaming but as all the jet noise no one could hear him. The Boss pulls up and yells at BB what’s going on and BB tells him he is locked inside. BB upon becoming locked in inside climbed out the emergency escape hatch on the top and walked back to the tale section. So the Boss walks around to the MEH that is still open…. (I assume at this point he was creating new cuss words) he enters the plane and heads aft to the tail section. By this time BB has climbed back inside the plane. Now there is this tiny plastic door used for sound abatement. Think paper thin with some foam on it. BB is yelling through this door that it’s locked and he is stuck. So Boss reaches out and pushes the door open…… Seems BB was pushing on a pull door.
Yes folks I have known and worked with the only man to have ever lock himself inside of an airplane with no door locks.
BB Part 2
So this happened about a year after the last incident.
One day BB walks in to the Maintenance Control office and falls down curling up in to a ball. He says to the boss (Hillbilly accent) “Boss I kant woork tu day I gots bad gas” I am not joking that is what he actually said. So Boss man says for someone to take him over to medical. The duty driver gets him to medical and they take one look at him and say he needs to go to the hospital. So he gets hauled over to the hospital, upon arriving he is turning Simpson yellow. Well the Hospital takes on look at him and does an emergency operation. In fact he had 2 in 24 hours. His Kidneys, and Liver, were shutting down. He had every kind of stone one can have in his body. In short he was dying. ….
They saved him.. the bastards….
Now the Doctors wanted to know what this guy was doing that would have cause this issue. So lots of OSHA inspections and people crawling up everyone’s orifices back at the shop. That’s when we pointed out that BB ate at McDonald’s 4 to 5 times a day. He ate Breakfast Lunch Dinner and then would go out for a late evening snack. His roommate worked in the shop and confirmed this. The Hospital flushed his impacted colon and he lost over 35 pounds in less than a week.
He was released after 8 days and was put on convalescence leave, he showed up at the shop with his paperwork before leaving… he showed up carrying a full McDonald's bag. I told him use a gun it would be faster, cheaper, and less painful.
To this day I can’t even pass a McDonald’s without shuddering.
BB Part 3 BB gets laid!
Ok so the setup, BB (Who was 35 when this happened) is roommates with Corn-fed, Corn-fed has a sister who we will call Vegas. Vegas as in a Pro (Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge know what I mean Govner?) So Corn-fed wanted to get his sister out of that life style and flew her from Vegas to VA to live.
So one day at a high-end function for the Organization (read all in pressed and dressed and glitz) Corn-Fed, Corn-feds wife, BB, Vegas, yours truly, and Sissy (We will talk about her another day) are all sitting at a table. Well BB is acting like a faithful hound crossed with an over protective parent to Vegas. So at one point Vegas tells him to fuck off and go get everyone a drink. So he leaves. Well we all look at Vegas and ask WTF is going on and she says
“Ever since I screwed him he won’t leave me alone”
To which we all dye laughing. See we had all known BB to be a virgin so his first was a Pro. But then the larger question came to pass, I looked at Vegas and said
“What in Hades name would possess you to screw that?” Without missing a beat Vegas said
“I was bored and there was nothing on TV”
The only way BB ever got his cherry punched was a Bored ex prostitute had nothing on TV to watch.
But it doesn’t end there folks… Oh no!!!
So after about 3 or 4 Months of BB annoying Vegas she had had enough. Seems the clincher was when he went out and bought a fat rock on a ring and proposed. Vegas told Corn-Fed good luck and she was bouncing, then took the next train to Chicago. So when BB got home from work and found out the love of his life had run away he went AWOL to try and find her and I quote “Brung her back cause she a gid gil at’s ost hr way.” (I am not joking you have no idea how hard it is to type how this guy spoke) So he disappears for a week, seems he found her and she in no uncertain terms told him to GTFO! When he wouldn’t listen she had a friend in Chicago rough him up and he left with his tail between his legs.
So he gets back home to face the music at work and of course they do a mandatory Drug test. So he tells them there is no point as he “MIGHT” have smoked some crack but he doesn’t know…. (I know I’m at a loss on that one too) So they Wiz Quiz him and sadly no.. he had not done drugs. (The luck of the idiotic) So he gets in a fairly large amount of trouble but not career ending.
Well while on restriction he meets his new soul mate.. (Face Palm) This women was beat with the whole ugly tree ever bloody branch we will call her Scary. They were the perfect match. Between his fat, balding, lazy, I.Q under 60 and her bowleg, balding, I.Q under 70 it was … well scary. They fall in “love” and promptly get married. Makes sense he already had the ring. So he ends up going to work for the local Sewage Treatment Facility at local Government since he was never going to be promoted at job.
One day Scary stops by my office to show me her and BB’s new baby. Yes folks they bred,
Now I’m a sarcastic person but I am also brutally honest so never ask me a question you expect me to lie in an answer.
So when Scary holds up her creature and says “isn’t my baby beautifully” my natural response was “Oh crap I’m going to puke” and I leave the room.
I know people say every baby is beautiful but that’s a lie. I have met three hideously ugly ones. Maybe they will be ugly ducklings, but if their parents are any indication they got screwed in the gene pool.
That is the BB saga and your weekend funny.
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