The other day, my manager took me off into the room where employees are scolded to tell me that other employees (higher up on the food chain than I) had been complaining about my work.
This is not something new. There have been complaints before.
Some of you may remember how desperate I was a few years ago - barely any income, no work in sight, and all sorts of personal crises going on. When I got the job, I was more grateful than I'd been for anything in a very long time. I was determined to make good, and I wanted more than anything to be the best they'd ever seen.
Only I'm not. I'm not the worst they've ever seen, but then, the worst people aren't there anymore, so that makes me the worst by default. There are just so many things about the job that I don't get, and it doesn't help that one of my coworkers is the Golden One. You know the type; every workplace has one. This coworker does nothing wrong. Coworker knows everything. Manager and coworker are good friends, and often have lunch together. Everyone asks Coworker questions on various topics, and Coworker almost invariably knows the answer.
My manager doesn't understand why I don't get things the way that Coworker does, even though I would have thought it was obvious; I just don't learn in the same way.
So, anyway, I was taken aside for the talk, and at first, I tried to explain that I just don't have the same learning ability (at least, not for this job). But my manager brought up the old "how long have you been here?" question, which I absolutely hate. He often asks me how long I've been there, to reinforce the fact that I tend to make basic mistakes, and forget things that have been told to me more than once.
Finally, though, I couldn't proceed. I told him how hard I've tried, and all the things I've done to increase my learning ability in general, as well as working to improve at my job. I told him that I know everyone thinks I'm an idiot, and that I don't know why I can't be his perfect employee, but it's obvious that I can't.
My manager has his faults, but he's a fair guy. He told me he had no idea I was so unhappy. And that's when he suggested that I might look for another job. Being the guy he is, he suggested various jobs where I might do better, and be happier. He told me that if it takes a year or more to find a new job, so be it. And that if I have an interview during my current working hours, that's fine, too.
One one hand, I don't like the fact that I've failed at this job. I told him that I wanted to be good enough so that, when the time came for me to move on, they would actually miss me. I told him that I didn't want my coworkers to think that I expected them to take up the slack when I made mistakes. And this is all true.
You know what I have done to try to improve? I'll tell you. I've played brain-training games online. I've used essential oils that are supposed to help with focus. I've done EFT. I've listened to binaural beats that are also supposed to help the mind focus. I've dabbled in meditation. I've used affirmations. I've imagined myself receiving huge praise from my boss.
And this is where it got me.
Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. I've known for a long time that I don't fit in at this job. I don't have lunch with my coworkers. I'm not invited to their events. On Mondays, I hear the rest of them talking about the things they did together over the weekend. It's a club of which I'm not a member, and not just because I'm not good enough at my job. I could be the best worker they've ever had, and I'd still be the odd one out. Such is the reality.
So, now I'm looking around to see what's available. As it happens, I've been learning a new trade that will, I hope, make me highly employable in a field very different from the one in which I now work. I'm still learning, so I'm not ready to put myself out there for employment yet. I told my manager about this, and he smiled and looked interested. Come to think of it, he was probably relieved that I'm doing this, and that I wasn't counting on remaining at this company indefinitely.
It just hurts to have tried so hard, only to be faced with the reality that if I hadn't tried at all, I would have done just as well. I don't know if I'm naturally inept at this job, or if it's PTSD from recent events combined with a lack of interest in this work.
I'm literally, physically tired by all of this. I've been putting on an act for a long time, and now - I'm exhausted. I'm too tired to go anywhere today. I've been sleeping a lot. I know that my coworkers know about the scolding, since it came about as a result of their complaints. Even though I've known for a long time that this isn't my dream job, or anything like it, I've been very depressed at the realization that I'm viewed as such a problem.
I'm glad it's the weekend.
This is not something new. There have been complaints before.
Some of you may remember how desperate I was a few years ago - barely any income, no work in sight, and all sorts of personal crises going on. When I got the job, I was more grateful than I'd been for anything in a very long time. I was determined to make good, and I wanted more than anything to be the best they'd ever seen.
Only I'm not. I'm not the worst they've ever seen, but then, the worst people aren't there anymore, so that makes me the worst by default. There are just so many things about the job that I don't get, and it doesn't help that one of my coworkers is the Golden One. You know the type; every workplace has one. This coworker does nothing wrong. Coworker knows everything. Manager and coworker are good friends, and often have lunch together. Everyone asks Coworker questions on various topics, and Coworker almost invariably knows the answer.
My manager doesn't understand why I don't get things the way that Coworker does, even though I would have thought it was obvious; I just don't learn in the same way.
So, anyway, I was taken aside for the talk, and at first, I tried to explain that I just don't have the same learning ability (at least, not for this job). But my manager brought up the old "how long have you been here?" question, which I absolutely hate. He often asks me how long I've been there, to reinforce the fact that I tend to make basic mistakes, and forget things that have been told to me more than once.
Finally, though, I couldn't proceed. I told him how hard I've tried, and all the things I've done to increase my learning ability in general, as well as working to improve at my job. I told him that I know everyone thinks I'm an idiot, and that I don't know why I can't be his perfect employee, but it's obvious that I can't.
My manager has his faults, but he's a fair guy. He told me he had no idea I was so unhappy. And that's when he suggested that I might look for another job. Being the guy he is, he suggested various jobs where I might do better, and be happier. He told me that if it takes a year or more to find a new job, so be it. And that if I have an interview during my current working hours, that's fine, too.
One one hand, I don't like the fact that I've failed at this job. I told him that I wanted to be good enough so that, when the time came for me to move on, they would actually miss me. I told him that I didn't want my coworkers to think that I expected them to take up the slack when I made mistakes. And this is all true.
You know what I have done to try to improve? I'll tell you. I've played brain-training games online. I've used essential oils that are supposed to help with focus. I've done EFT. I've listened to binaural beats that are also supposed to help the mind focus. I've dabbled in meditation. I've used affirmations. I've imagined myself receiving huge praise from my boss.
And this is where it got me.
Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. I've known for a long time that I don't fit in at this job. I don't have lunch with my coworkers. I'm not invited to their events. On Mondays, I hear the rest of them talking about the things they did together over the weekend. It's a club of which I'm not a member, and not just because I'm not good enough at my job. I could be the best worker they've ever had, and I'd still be the odd one out. Such is the reality.
So, now I'm looking around to see what's available. As it happens, I've been learning a new trade that will, I hope, make me highly employable in a field very different from the one in which I now work. I'm still learning, so I'm not ready to put myself out there for employment yet. I told my manager about this, and he smiled and looked interested. Come to think of it, he was probably relieved that I'm doing this, and that I wasn't counting on remaining at this company indefinitely.
It just hurts to have tried so hard, only to be faced with the reality that if I hadn't tried at all, I would have done just as well. I don't know if I'm naturally inept at this job, or if it's PTSD from recent events combined with a lack of interest in this work.
I'm literally, physically tired by all of this. I've been putting on an act for a long time, and now - I'm exhausted. I'm too tired to go anywhere today. I've been sleeping a lot. I know that my coworkers know about the scolding, since it came about as a result of their complaints. Even though I've known for a long time that this isn't my dream job, or anything like it, I've been very depressed at the realization that I'm viewed as such a problem.
I'm glad it's the weekend.
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