The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Redbeard]

My dear Mrs Nutball..I mean EATER, NUT EATER.
I fear for the well being of your husband.
We have started a "Save the nuts" fund, please stop by any time and let us know the name of your family doctor.

YRS,
Manny Ger


Dear Books R Them
The nerve telling me that I can't smoke in the childrens section on "Read to asthmatic 4 year olds day"! That was one of my most favorite cigar,meant to be enjoyed by everyone within 100 yards!
Obviously your storytellers, security, manager, assistant manager and the police officers that were summoned are all wrong and I'm right.
Please do something about this or I will hold my breath until I turn blue!
Mr I Spendy Dolla

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. I Spendy Dolla,

You not only sent two children and one parent to the hospital with your careless smoking in our bookstore, you also set our sci-fi section on fire by carelessness. It is lucky for everyone that we keep a fire extinquisher. And by the way, did you know smoking inside of most public buildings had been banned? Well now you do. I am delighted to send you a bill for the books you ruined, in the amounts of two thousand dollars.

Signed Professor Joy De'Livre,
Owner of Undiscovered Treasures fine, rare, and vintage bookshop.

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Dear Manager of Pizza Heaven,

Your store should be renamed Pizza Hell! On Christmas Eve, I called your pizza shop to have a delivery of ten Super-special pizzas sent to my house to take advantage of your great Christmas sale. But twenty minutes passed, and I simply had to go out and hit the big sale I heard about at the Little Shop of Horrors before the last of the Christmas bargains were all sold out! The t. v. said so! I needed to do my Christmas shopping anyway. When I come back, there is no pizza there. My six-year old daughter was home, alone, and she said you wouldn't take the check I wrote because she didn't have an i. d. Those pizzas were the dinner for my family for Christmas! I'll bet your good for nothing teenage pimple-faced delivery boy ate my whole pizza order himself! I was only gone for three hours buying my Christmas presents. I want my pizzas! I want them now! And I want them free! Make this right or I will call the radio station during the customer-fightback hour and tell everybody exactly what kind of business you run! How dare your brainless teenage boy not wait for me to be home, not take my check, and ask my daughter where her mother was! You ruined my Christmas. We all had to starve! My daughter never did get dinner, and when my relatives arrived later that night to stay in my house, no one was able to eat all Christmas Day, either! And I expect you to compensate me, because my ex-wife is now trying to get full custody of my daughter! Fix this, right now, or I'll get you but good!

Signed Mr. D. M. Bunny.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Bunny,

We require an adult to be present at the home when deliveries are made. Also, it was your own fault that you went shopping instead of waiting for the pizza. The employee who tried to deliver your pizzas returned them to the store untouched. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

P. Izza
Manager



Dear Computer Store Owner,

I recently came into your store and there was an employee in a wheelchair at one of the checkouts. When I demanded a manager, a lady came over claiming to be the manager even though that's a man's position. I demand you fire all the women and the man in the wheelchair and hire only men that don't have any disabilities whatsoever. If you don't, I will take my business to a computer store that only hires men that can walk and talk like normal people.

Sincerely,

D. I. Scriminate

[JustaCashier]

Dear Mr. Scrimnate,

I do not regret to inform you that I will not grant your request. Why not? Well, not only is your attitude blatantly discriminatory, but I would have to fire myself, as well, twice.

You see, not only am I female, but legally blind as well. (Are you laughing at the irony of my using the phrase "you see"?)

Now, I suppose you wonder how I am able to correspond with you. Are you guessing that I have a male assistant to read my e-mails, and I dictate a reply? Oh, wait, secretarial is a female job, isn't it?

You see, *snerk* with the wonders of modern technology, such as text-to-voice translation software, and Braille keyboards, I am able to function as capably as a non vision impaired person.

Now, I suppose, you are having a hard time believing that someone "like me" can communicate in such an intelligent manner. Well, I'm proud to say that I graduated at the top of my Business Administration class at a prestigious College, and that my store has been repeatedly recognized as a sales leader and customer satisfaction leader with in our large company, since I took over management of it five years ago. My "disabilities" and my employees "disabilities" not-withstanding.

Sincerely,
Ima Moore-Abledthanyu
Computer Store Manager


============================


Dear Animal Control Supervisor,

Recently I was visiting a local park with my precious dog, Fido.

I know there are signs all over stating that by City Law, all dogs must be leashed and under control at all times, and that there is an off-leash dog park about a mile away.

I don't believe that Fido should be leashed, as I have him under voice control at all times and he always minds me perfectly.

I have to say that I am extremely appalled at the conduct of your sub-ordinate, Officer Leashem. He had the unmitigated gall to cite me for having my dear Fido off leash, when someone else walking their dog on-leash, called and made a complaint against me.

This other person was all in a tizzy when my large, loving, playful Fido ran up to play with her little ankle biter. I am also upset that Officer Leashem didn't cite the other owner for attacking my Fido. (The other owner claims "self-defense", which Officer Leashem agreed with, and I am pursuing a Civil Suit against her). My Fido just wanted to play!!!!!!!1111111

If you don't fire Officer Leashem right away, and take back any pay and benefits he has received retroactive to the date of this incident, I will notify the Mayor, and you will be out of a job as well! (I have influence, as I have voted for this Mayor both times he has run for office, and I know he remembers me waving a sign at his rallies).

Sincerely,
Dee Laws-Dontapplytome

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Laws-Dontapplytome,

All dogs must be on a leash for safety reasons. Also, we have promoted Officer Leashem to Liuetenant.

Sincerely,

A. N. Imal

Animal Control Supervisor



Dear Bank Manager,

I needed cash to take my girlfriend out for a special dinner so I came to your bank to get some money. I asked for $200 and your rude teller had the nerve to have me verify my information instead of giving me the money. It's illegal for the bank to not give customers the money they ask for. I want this rude teller fired and arrested or I will burn your bank vault.

Sincerely,

B. R. Oke

[Sarlon]

Dear B. R. Oke,

I am sorry to inform you that due to the threatening nature of your letter I am formally repsonding on behalf of 8th National Bank in reguards to your arson threat. As you may not know threatening a bank is a federal offense. Please present yourself to the federal court house for booking and confinement, in 2 days hence. Failure to do so will be met with immediate force.

Sincerely,
Agent K. Butt

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Dear manager of big box store,
I went into your store to buy my new tv. I had to wait OVER 4 hours for someone to come ask if I needed any help then was gone for anoter HOUR! just to come back and tell me that you have not carried that TV in 6 years!

your RUDE employee dared to tell me that the AD I had brought in for the sale was out of date...ok...maybe a day or so...but thats not the point!!!

I DEMAND the employee properly trained, a written and verbal appology from the manager, owner and the employee! as well as a $5000 gift card AND a comparable TV!!!!!!!!

signed:
Elvis Presley

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Presley,

We all thought you were dead and are pleased to see that it's not the case. However, the IRS are very interested and we thought it best to pass on your address to them. Have a nice life.

Mr Manager.

~~~

Dear manager of Crapcinema,

I wanted to take my daughter Cznofla'ke to see the new showing of the latest Disney film for her eleventh birthday. When we showed up, the clerk had the utter nerve to say to us that the movie was sold out. I demand a gift card and ample compensation for your employee utterly ruining my daughter's birthday. She cried all the way home cuz of your cruelty. Rest assured, I will be contacting the local paper.

Yours, Mrs Cantplanahead.

[MoonCat]

Dear Ms Cantplanahead,

Your request is denied. Please find enclosed a copy of the latest DVD's R Us catalog, from which you can henceforth order any movie you want to watch--at home, where your inability to use common sense will not inconvenience anyone else. Oh, and my sympathies to your daughter for having you for a mother.

Sincerely,
Ms. Hearditbefore, Manager of Mytown Cinema

_____

Dear Manager of 2ExpensiveClothes,

Like the other day my friend and I were, like, shopping at your store, and we had like 25 things we wanted to try on, but ur bitchy saleswoman who was really old, like probably 40 OMG, well anyway she said we couldn't take more than 3 things in the fitting room. Well that's just like really stupid!! What does she thing we're going to do steal stuff OMG!! Just cuz we had like 12 things each I think thats 25 total right? Anyway so what? I spend a lot of money in ur store and I should be allowed to try on whatever I want and not get yelled at for leaving clothes on the floor, OMG ur like my mother!!!!!111 And it was really not cool to call the security people on us, just because we knocked over a couple of racks of ur crappy clothes I mean I was mad right? So what? So I want a gift card for like $10,000 and I want that old lady fired, she's too old to work in a store that sells stuff that I would wear!!!

Signed, Winnie Whiner

[Eireann]

Dear Winnie,

We are delighted to hear from you again! We thought that your parents had moved out of state, taking you with them, or had sent you to yet another school for problem children. Now, we discover that you have just turned eighteen years old, and we can take legal action against you for the damage you caused to our store. You see, Winnie, we have kept records of your actions in our store for several years now, waiting with bated breath for the day you achieved your eighteenth birthday. We even had a betting pool going, because many of the staff didn't believe you would live that long, your behavior being what it is.

Well, Winnie, happy birthday! You are banned from our store for life, and we are taking legal action against you and your friend (did you think we wouldn't know who she was, when the two of you scream to each other across the store every time you enter it?).

We are pleased to charge you with a multitude of offenses, and we want you to know that we have had a loud, joyous party to celebrate getting you out of our hair (as befits a louse).

By the way, Winnie, I don't know who is reading this to you, but I hope it's someone who can pronounce the words correctly, and who understands them. This leaves out the person who created (for lack of a better word) the email you sent us.

Manager of 2ExpensiveClothes

----------------------------------------------------

I WANT TO CMPLANE ABOUT UR STORE AT 10 AND BRNSIDE THEY SAID ITS A BOKSTORE BUT I SAW FOOD IN THEIR ITS NOT FOR BOOKS ITS A RETSARANT SO I TOOK MY 5 KIDS FOR LUNCH IN THER BUT THE MANGER SHE SAYD HER NAMES RONDA SAID MY KIDS HAD TO BE COTNROLED AND THEY CULDNT RUN AROND IM LIKE HELLO THEIR KIDS WHAT DO U EPXECT AND THIS GIRL RONDA SAID THIS IS A BOKSTOR THEY CANT DO THAT HER AND IM LIKE NO ITS NOT ITS A RETSAURANT SHE SAID NO THIS IS A CAFE IM LIKE DUH ITS THE SAME THING. SHES LIKE GET THEM OUT THEIR DESTROING BOOKS IM LIKE DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY KIDS ITS NOT THEIR FAULT THEY ALL HAVE DIFRENT DADS DONT U NO ABUT IDETNIY CRISSIS? SHES LIKE I NO U AND U GO ALL OVER TOWN BITCHING ABUT STORES IM LIKE YEH WHAT ABOUT IT BITCH? SHES LIKE DONT USE THAT LAGNAGE IM LIKE I CAN TAUK HOW IT WANT ITS A FREE CUNTRY U A TERRIST? SHES LIKE I RED ABOUT U AND WE DONT WANT U IN HERE TAKE UR KIDS AND GO. IM LIKE YOU CANT MAKE ME GO SHES LIKE YES I CAN. IM LIKE OKAY DO IT AND SHE CALLS THE PLICE! YOU DONT CALL POLIC ON ME U JUST DONT AND MY KIDS WERE CRING AND SHE DIDNT CARE. SO THE COPS CAME AND ARSTED ME AND SOME LADY TOOK MY KIDS AND I DINT NO WHEIR. I WANT U TO GIVE ME 1000000000 FOR WHAT HAPNED AND FIRE THE MANGER AND MY KIDS WHERE IN HOMES WHEIR THEY HAD TO EAT REAL FOOD AND HAVE CLEAN CLOSE AND THEY HAD THER OWN BEDS AND THEY WERE SPOILD WHEN I GOT THEM BAK AND U NEED TO GIV ME SUMTHING FOR THAT TO.

[XCashier]

Dear Manda,

Wow, I thought you were an Urban Myth! I guess you're real after all. That certainly explains the hellacious mess and my stressed out assistant manager, Ronda.

As for your request for "1000000000", well, you didn't specify what you wanted a billion of, so we'll be pouring one billion pebbles over your greasy head should you and your barbarian horde ever set foot in our establishment again.

Very sincerely,
Steele Backbone, store manager, Burnside Books and Cafe

* * *

Dear Chamber of Commerce,

I went to the local Nationwide Fabric Store to buy some fabric. I demanded the peon make multiple cuts of each of my fifteen different bolts of fabric that I am making into the most exquisite quilt. Well, the little prole behind the counter refused, saying it was against store policy and would hold up the line!

I could not believe it! I'm certain those twelve people waiting in line behind me wouldn't mind me getting my fabric specially cut, since I'm of much higher social standing than all of them put together, and especially the guttersnipes behind the counter! I informed them that I would be writing a letter of complaint, and here it is! I demand that you do something about it, for I am the customer and the center of the universe and my demands must be catered to!

Sincerely,
Ann Flayted-Ego

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ms Flayted-Ego,

I feel that it's time for a little science lesson. You see, contrary to your own particular beliefs, the sun is the centre of the galaxy and not you. Also, I fail to see how losing twelve customers counts against losing just one, you. So goodbye, and feel free to visit their rival fabric shop, which is twice as expensive as Nationwide are so will therefore not have any queues at all.

I feel I must inform you that my wife's best friend runs Nationwide and is an extremely pleasant lady, not to mention an excellent businesswoman so I feel that telling you this is doing her a favour.

Yours insincerely,
Head of Chamber of Commerce.

~~~

Dear Manager of Crapmart,

I recently visited your store with my two children, Preshush and Speshul. I was appalled and disgusted to find that you only had five "Mother and child" parking places and that they were in the middle of the carpark, which is just not good enough. I am a mother and therefore I am the most important person in the entire universe and should not have to walk two yards to get to the supermarket. Also, two people who were almost certainly not mothers were parked either side of me, making it difficult for me to get my Giganticpointless brand stroller out of my SUV.

Imagine my disgust when I finally got to the entrance to see that you had eight disabled parking places right outside. Those lazy disabled people can surely walk a few more yards; most of them aren't really disabled anyway and are probably just using it as an excuse to skive off work. I demand that you put more "Mother and child" parking places where your disabled spaces are now, and put the disabled places on the other side of the carpark.

Yours,
Mrs N. Titledmom

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Titledmom,

You're not any more important than the other mothers that shop at our store. Also, the disabled spaces need to be near the store since some of our customers are really disabled and can't walk great distances.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Book Publishing Company Manager,

Where do you get off not publishing my book? All I did was send it in without using punctuation or spaces since that's the job of your editors. I demand you tell the editors to edit my book or they'll be fired. If you don't, I will hack into your website and download a horrible virus.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Runonsentence

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Ms. Runonsentence:
While our editors do edit manuscripts, they have no obligation to publish every submission that comes that they receive. Your manuscript did not make the cut because of the grammatical and spelling errors. Your threat to hack into our computer system has been reported to the authorities.
Sincerely,
Reed Moore
CEO Moore & Moore Publishing
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DEAR PUB:
HOW DARE YOU NOT WELCOME MY WEDDING PARTY!!!!! I HAD 67 PEOPLE AND WE WOULD HAVE SPENT A OF MONEY, MORE MONEY THAN THE KIDS DRINKING PINTS THAT YOU REFUSED TO MOVE. HOW DARE YOU!!!!!! I AM A BRIDE AND THIS IS MY WEDDING AND YOUR PUB NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT THEY HAVE TO ACCOMMODATE ME!!!!! YOUR RUDE AND ABUSIVE MANAGER TOLD US WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED AHEAD. HELLO? THIS IS A PUB WHO CALLS AHEAD FOR A PUB????? I DEMAND A FREE MEALS FOR ALL MY WEDDING PARTY AND THAT THE MANAGER BE FIRED!!! YOU RUINED MY WEDDING!!!! IF YOU DON'T DO AS I DEMAND I WILL CALL THE MEDIA!!!
SINCERELY!!!!
MADISON MCBRIDE

[MoonCat]

Dear Ms. McBride,
Our establishment is happy to welcome wedding parties, provided they give us enough notice so that we can prepare for them. Perhaps next time you won't make assumptions. We're sure there will be a next time, since by now your husband has figured out what you're really like.

Sincerely,
Mr. I. M. Awesome, Manager of Pub in the Park

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Dear Towing Company aka Car Thieves!!

I live at the Expensive Gardens Apartment Complex and the other night I couldn't park in my spot because some lowlife parked there. So I parked across the street because there were lots of spaces at the Middling Pricey Apartments. And then one of YOUR tow drivers had the NERVE to tow my car! And even more nerve to demand I pay over a hundred dollars to get my own car back!! He had the gall to tell me I should have reported the person who parked in my spot, but why should that be MY responsibility!? And then I would have had to wait around until they came and towed that other car, and it was cold and windy outside. I'm a delicate flower and I can't be expected to endure such harsh conditions. I demand a full refund of my money and you should fire that tow driver!!

Ms. Epic Whiner

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Whiner,

We reserve the right to tow any car that doesn't have permission to be at that particular location so your money won't be refunded. Also, we have promoted the tow truck driver and gave him a raise.

Sincerely,

Mr. Towcar
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store with my 8 year old daughter so she could buy some candy as a reward for getting a perfect score on her math test. However, I was steamed when your rude employee told my daughter that she needed to wait in line. I demand you tell your employees to ring up children the second they come to the checkout since they're not as patient as adults. If you don't, I will take all your egg cartons and throw them all over the store.

Sincerely,

P. R. Ecious