The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Sarlon]

Dear Clueless,

It says quite plainly in the directions for the recipe that you used to only cook for 10-15 minutes. That is a short enough time that you should not of left your home longer then to check the mail.

You claim is denied and this letter forwarded to your home insurance company to help their case of fraud.

C. Hef Bouillion.

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Dear Harvard Grad School admissions,

how DARE you not accept my application into your hallowed halls of learning!!11!

I have a perfect 1.9 GPs, and mostly completed my BA in english!!!

How come you're not letting me apply into your prestigious College of Business?!

I have a brilliant idea for a business and everyone said i should learn to run a business b4 i start it. Everyone says your school is the BEST!!!

I even gave you the 4 letters of recommendations from my mommy, my priest, the next door neighbor, my old boss, paid your ridicouls $40 admission fee, and filled out the 50 page application complete with a glowing essay, and managed to get 52 points on that silly business GMAT test!

I DEMAND you admit me, give me in state tuition, and free lodging in your most predigious dormitory on campus!

Signed,
Ivanna business

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Business,

Your grade average is not high enough for admission. However, we will supply tutors to help you out so you will be able to reapply when you bring up your grade average.

Sincerely,

E. D. Ucation
College Dean



Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was add a hunger donation bag to every customer's order without asking since it's illegal not to donate. I demand you give me my job back at once. If you don't, I will break into the store after closing, take all of the hunger donation bags, and give them to the homeless shelter.

Sincerely,

Charity Worker

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Worker,

We're an at-will state so we don't need a reason to fire you. And it's wrong to make people donate without asking them. Your heart was in the right place, but your head's somewhere else.

Sincerely,

Ms. Karen Compassun,

Owner of Good Youth charity thrift store.

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Dear Music Of The Night Record store,

I went to your store the other day to buy the new album by The Bigots, "Panda Ring". I really love their music and that album's got their biggest new hit, "Things You Want To Hear" on it. So I went to your store and I was told that your owner had expressly banned The Bigots from his store and that "Panda Ring" would not allowed, nor were any of their other cds.
"I can tell you that they got a big shipment in at Megalo-Mart," your employee, Gem, told me.

Well, I went ballistic. I knocked over everything I could reach straight to the floor and I stomped on it, and I demanded to see a manager. The manager, Alfred, told me that this is the reason The Bigots were banned, because of the way their fans behaved, and that I was banned too.
So I kicked him and knocked him to the floor, only to be removed by a big black woman who told me she was the security guard, and a black belt in karate.

I have never been treated so badly in my life! How dare you ban the biggest rock group in this country since the Armageddon Nightmare Band? I demand that you stock your store full of The Bigots, especially "Panda Ring" and that you remove every other band's music from your store!
And that you give me ten million dollars for my pain and suffering, and for the trauma that I endured having to mace my way through the crowd to get "Panda Ring" at Megalo-Mart!

If you won't, I have a friend named Terry Rist who loves to make fire bombs, and told me he'd be willing to lend me a few any time I asked him. Let's see how you like coming in to a store that's nothing but a hole in the ground!

Signed,

Miss Belle Istick.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Istick,

You will be sent a bill for damages and we are not removing the ban. If you follow through on your threat, we will call the police.

Sincerely,

Alfred Peacelover
Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where do you get off sending my daughter home before the end of her shift? All she did was give a customer a piece of her mind. Thanks to you, my daughter ended up in a car accident and was killed instantly. I demand you pay for her funeral since it's your fault she's dead or I will find your car and cut the brakes.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Blunt

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Blunt

Giving a loud-mouth consumer a piece of her mind when he would not stop harassing her was perfectly legitimate. Bashing him upside the head with the umbrella he was going to buy was not. So we sent her home to cool off.

From what we heard, she did not go home. Instead, she went to a bar and got drunk, then attempted to drive home. We are not responsible for that in any way. We are sad to lose her because she was one of our best employees, and we grieve for her.

We would indeed have considered helping pay for some of the funeral, until you threatened to cut my breaks. We will forgive your letter because you're grieving, but please, don't write any further threatening letters. Otherwise, we'll have to turn it over to the police.

Respectfully yours,

Jan Till,

Manager of Food Tiger.

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Dear The Management Company,

Your company's ad says that you specialize in providing temporary workers to fill corporate positions, and that all of your people are fresh out of business school and have never dirtied their hands with physical labor. That sounded just perfect for me.

You see, I own a medium-sized firm, and left running it entirely to the highly recommended Miss Pree Cise, who single-handedly turned my small firm into a medium-sized firm, though she told me that if we got much bigger, we'd have too many unsolvable problems, so we were best at medium-size. And it worked for years.
But my capable C. E. O., Miss Pree Cise, left to take a job with a government regulatory agency, so I needed a new C. E. O. on the spot. And your company was waiting to provide people with new temporary executives, so I hired your company and you sent me a man to run my business for me in Miss Cise's stead, Mister Lou Terr. I liked his charismatic style and hired him, giving him the same free hand I had given Miss Cise.

Well, I am furious! Not only did Mister Lou Terr line his pockets entirely with my profits, he looted and raided my business and turned my medium-sized business back into a small fraction of what it once was, completely undoing everything Miss Cise had done for me! He even had the nerve to sell off most of my other properties, including my factories and distribution centers, which did bring a short-term profit, at the cost that my company is now losing money because we need to turn to outside factories and distribution centers. And to make matters worse, all that short term profit went straight to him!

It is not my fault! My hourly workers aren't supposed to contact me demanding that I reconsider disposing of the factory or the distribution centers because that's their livelihood I'm monkeying around with! They're to take their complaints up the management chain.
Nor do I want to hear from stockholders demanding I fire The Management Company and get rid of Mister Terr because they aren't getting their share of the short term profits.
And I certainly didn't want to hear from Mister Terr's own secretary, but she personally called me, and when I refused to speak to her, she called my old friend Miss Cise and asked her to speak to me.
If I wanted to actually have my hands involved in running my business instead of raking in the profits, would I have anyone but myself as the C. E. O.? I demand to be left in my bubble rather than bothered by grubby underlings.

Now, I am willing to hear from my old friend Miss Cise, and when she told me what was going on with my business, she also told me what to do: Fire your The Management Company, and Mister Lou Terr!

So as of now, you are fired. And I demand that all my money be returned, and that you send me a new C. E. O. to work for me for free to make up for all the damage Mister Terr did. And I demand that you publicly apologize to me, and that you have your people go on every media they can find, from the papers to the business news to the Internet and praise my company and entice the customers back. You own me at least three trillion dollars, not to mention my company's fine reputation and a huge clientel, and I want them all back. Now!

If you don't, I will sick Miss Cise on you and watch her regulate your company out of existence, while I use my own media friends to turn your market shares to toast, and while I go on the business news programs and tell them what your company did to me while I wasn't looking, and that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
Signed,

Miss Lassie Faire, owner of Watch This Electronics Industries.

[Sarlon]

Oh man I want this one!!! I'll respond tomorrow, this is something straight out of my business books!! (I'm a business major)

[Kristev]

I'm glad someone's impressed. It took me a week to come up with a store idea nobody had used yet.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Faire,

Next time, I would recommend doing a background check before hiring someone. We have reported Mr. Terr to the police for embezzlement and he has a criminal record of past embezzlement. We will do what we can to return your money but we can't send a CEO to do your work for free. However, you are more than welcome to enlist volunteers.

Sincerely,

B. U. Siness
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off having my husband Will arrested? All he did was walk out with a bunch of groceries without paying several times because he didn't want to wait in line. I demand you drop the charges and allow my husband and I to cut in line all we want. If you don't, we will break into the store after closing and take all of the large bills from the registers.

Sincerely,

Candy Notwait

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mrs Notwait,

Thank you for your letter, which has been passed on to our legal representative as part of the evidence we have against your husband. I'm sure you will be happy to know that we have a watertight case thanks to your help. Please accept a £20 gift voucher in gratitude.

Yours sincerely,

Ms Manager.

~~~

Dear Pizza Delivery,

There was a blizzard going on, so I decided to order a pizza from your place. I was disgusted that your staff were insisting that orders were collection only due to the drivers only having mopeds and being unable to deliver. Why the hell should I be forced to go out in a massive blizzard? Your drivers were just being lazy. I demand that you give me free pizza for a year or I will go to the papers and badmouth you on Facebook.

Yours,

Miss Snojoke.

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Snojoke.

We here at Pizza Hot have a very strict policy that during white outs, we don't deliver. You were told this over and over again. Now, we were going to give you a free pizza voucher, but your cruel words and haranguing that made our grown man cry has cost you that, so you'll be getting nothing.

And by the way, we've already gone to the papers and social media. First one to speak is the one who wins on average. Sorry, Miss Snojoke, but the joke's on you.

Yours truly,

Mr. I. Likeit Hot, owner of Pizza Hot.

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Dear Fee For All Bank,

I have a membership at Fee For All Bank, where you get top notch service but you pay through the nose. There's no free anything. Well, your debit cards are linked to the American Excess instead of Visa or Mastercard, and personally, I see nothing wrong with that. American Excess encourages people to shop until they drop and then shop some more.

Well, two weeks ago, I received a notice that you starting your Rubber Check program, where you write checks directly off the American Excess card. And so I did. I went and I wrote Rubber Checks all over town, having the time of my life.

So how dare your assistant manager at Fee For All send me a letter, which I just got yesterday, informing me that I've been abusing the Drubber Check program, which beats all other checks hands down. It wasn't mentioned in the paperwork for the check program anywhere, not that I read all that confusing garbage instead of tossing it in the trash and enjoying my card, that every time I wrote a check on the American Excess card, it was being drained from my bank account, and that I am not only overdrawn by a thousand dollars, but that I owe Fee For All Bank nearly fifteen-hundred dollars because of all the fees you've tacked on for being overdrawn, for writing bad checks, for having a bank account, and a tied American Excess card in the first place, for . . .

There's no way I'm paying you a dime for this! You lied to me by making me think I could just go out and spend! In fact, if you don't give me ten million dollars and a free American Excess card that I never have to pay for using, or pay off, I will just tell everybody in the world what a scam your bank is, and take my account and all my money straight to Worst National Bank! They've been begging for business from everybody they can find for years!

And, I'll sue you for fraud and and misrepresentation. But I'll settle for ten million and my card.

Signed,

Miss D. M. Witt.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Witt,

We are not responsible for your not reading the terms. Unless you decide to pay, we'll see you in court.

Sincerely,

B. Ankcard
Manager



Dear Fanfiction.net Owner,

I've been leaving anonymous reviews telling authors to get rid of their original characters and they have the nerve to refuse and/or delete my review. No one likes original characters since people only come onto the site to read about their favorites shows, books, games, and/or movies. I demand you tell these authors to get rid of their original characters at once. If you don't, I will hack into your website and remove all of the fanfics that have original characters in it.

Sincerely,

Ann T. Original

[cindybubbles]

Dear Ann T. Original:

As a creator of my own original characters, I'll have to say this.

No way.

No freaking way am I going to tell anyone to get rid of their original characters. It's their way of immersing themselves into the fantasy lands of which they are fans, and without original characters, we'd have the same old boring works over and over again. That's bad for business here at Fanfiction.Net.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm buying and installing the best firewall that money can buy for the servers to prevent such an attack from you. I will also keep updating and upgrading our antivirus software definitions. I will also file a report with the police and attach this letter to it. It's a big risk, but I don't want our servers destroyed because of your callous actions.

Sincerely,

JennyHotBlond

Owner

Fanfiction.Net

P.S.: I know some guys who are, well, "experts" when it comes to the Deep Web. If it ever comes to it, I'll have them track you down and let them do whatever they want to you.

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Dear St. Nicholas Nursery School:

I am Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak, and I'm about to enroll my one-year-old son Murray into your school. I understand that as your school features St. Nicholas, the patron saint of children, who, by the way, transformed himself into the lovable Santa Claus, that it would be a perfect environment for my son to grow and learn.

He has his mother's love for Christmas; I can tell. When we don't see any Christmas lights or carolers, all my dear little cutie needs to do is put on his cute little frowny face and let out a cute little cry and everyone does whatever we want! And if that doesn't work, Mommy, Daddy and Uncle Lloyd will always help out with their AK-47s.

Anyways, we moved here from the little uncharted island where Daddy used to live, so as to expose my son to as much Christmas as possible, and it's working! Don't you just love it when little Murray gets that look in his eyes that just screams for more Christmas? Though it was a bummer when the department and mall Santas ran screaming from us, we managed to physically rope one and tie him up, not letting him go until little Murray told him what he wanted for Christmas, and putting a gun to Santa's head until he agreed and bought the toys for him. That was fun. Too bad they're only available during the actual Christmas season.

But here I am, enrolling my son into your school. I sure hope the teachers here won't be Grinches like mine were! For example, I can still remember cutting up my preschool teacher for telling me that I was too naughty to be on Santa's Nice List! And my science teacher just wasn't the same after I dismembered him for not believing in the existence of Santa Claus!

Here's hoping that my son will have a wonderful time at your school!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

P.S.: Don't even consider calling the police or Child Protective Services on my family. The last time cops and social workers came over to our house, they was never seen alive again.

[XCashier]

(I was wondering when she was going to show up again!)

Dear Mr. President,

I need your help. Attached is a copy of a letter from the most dangerous person on this planet. Commissioner Gordon told me all about her; even the Joker is leery of her, if that tells you anything. Anything you can send my way, please do. SWAT teams, Green Berets, SEALs, snipers, Lobo, anybody. This woman is insane and her son is going the same way.

Please help, for the love of God and all that is holy, help!

Sincerely,
Nicholas Saint, principal,
St. Nicholas Nursery School

* * * * *

Dear General Grocery Store,

How dare you stop playing Christmas music?! Don't you know the actual Christmas season isn't over until Twelfth Night, which is January 5th? What's wrong with you Scrooges and Grinches that you cut off the only true music as soon as it's December 26? If it were up to me, it'd play all year round.

Why, it is up to me! I'm coming right over there with explosives and guns and you will play nothing but beautiful Christmas music until the end of time, or you can kiss your store and lives goodbye!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Christmas-Freak,

We are sending the FBI to your home now. You have made a bomb threat against us. I hope you enjoy being in prison for the next 45 Christmases.

Sincerely,

Apple Klerk

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Dear Courtesan Clothing,

I decided that I wanted to see my husband, Hugh G. Rection, in my clothing. I had him try on my panties. Unfortunately, the stitching in the panties started to come loose. Then I had him try on my bra. It started to affect his breathing, so I had to take it off of him. Then I had him try on my dress. This dress goes all the way down to my knees, but it only goes to his mid thigh. I was able to put stockings on him, but we couldn't get his feet into the high heels.

When we complained to the staff, they told us since Hugh was much bigger than me, we need to buy Hugh his own outfits. After we did, I liked the way Hugh looked in his new outfit. How can you prevent any incidences like this in the future? Also, what are you going to do about my destroyed panties?

Sincerely,

Cousen Annie Rection

[stitchwitch]

Dear Ms. Rection,

Attached is a pamphlet for a local cross-dressing club. They should be able to help you.

Ms. S. X. Undies
CEO, Courtesan Clothing

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Dear Archangel crafts,

I don't usually shop anywhere but Christian book stores, because the secular world is evil and all other stores play wicked music from their speakers. But because of your name (and the fact that the stores I usually go to don't carry the supplies for the hobby I have recently taken up [making homemade beaded cross jewelry]), I decided to give you a chance on 12/24/15 (Christmas Eve), and I was pleasantly surprised by the righteous music that I heard in your store. But when I went back today (12/26/15) you were playing the same evil music as all the other stores! When I complained to the manager because a holy-named store such as yours shouldn't play such filth, he told me the music came from corporate and was no mistake. I punched him in his heathen face and ran out. I want him fired, all the music replaced with hymns, the assault charges dropped and free beads for life, or I will pray to God for Him to burn your evil, misleading store to the ground.

Signed,
Ms. Fun D. Mentalist