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Okay so this happened last month and I finally decided to sit my booty down and write this up, having a glass of rum helps 
This is the basic gist, not everything is word for word as many of you can probably gather; my memory is not the best.
Oh doing you're job? Let me call corporate
Cast:
Me: Hi there!
SC: sucktastic b*tch
FC: Friend/relative/lover of SC; not really bad but yeah
MOD: Supervisor who over time I've come to appreciate
*Note: We have a coupon that is sent to customer's e-mail
SC and FC come up to me, FC has minor purchase that I don't recall with no real problems. SC has been on cellphone almost the entire time I see her in the store. She is talking to someone about a coupon, grabs a pen and one of our buisness cards and starts writing down a random assortment of letters and numbers.
On her purchase of shoes she tries to use her assortment of random as a coupon.
Me: "I'm sorry I can't take this."
SC: Why not? I just had my friend tell me the code that he (MOD) said I needed.
ME: It doesn't work that way, I need to actually see the coupon.
SC: BUT HE SAID I just needed a code!
Me: You must have misunderstood him, I need to see a coupon.
SC: *repeats above in some sort of bitchy pattern
Me: *sighs* Let me just ask if I can do that. (He may be my sup, but I may have just bs'd my way through this if he sided with SC)
I have to interrupt MOD's lunch for this, oh joy.
Me: Hey did you tell SC that she could just get a code and use it towards e-mail coupon?
MOD:
What? No?
Me: I didn't think so. She got a "code"off the phone and said that you said she could use it.
MOD: No, I didn't. I said that we needed the code.
Walk of DOOM!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, you must have misunderstood MOD. We need to see a copy of the coupon.
SC: *cue rage* He said I just needed a code!
Me: repeat myself
SC: I just got it off the phone! You watched me.
Me: That's nice, but corporate has been really cracking down on specifics of discounts. I'm following policy.
FC: *finally pipes up* Well if you just entered the code and it wasn't a real code, it just wouldn't accept it right?
Me: It doesn't work like that.
SC: I have the code right here.
Me: I'm not taking it. I need a copy in front of me.
SC: Well I can't open the e-mail on my phone I can only open it at home. That's why I had BLAH tell me the code.
Me: I can't accept it.
SC: Well can I open my e-mail on store computer and get it from there?
Me: nooo
SC: So you're saying I need to pay full price, come back in with the receipt and coupon to get my money back?
Me: *almost laughing; did I say that?* Knowing my store manager, she's not going to allow that. See let's say you were from Oregon and trying to get your taxes off, but didn't have your OR ID, you wouldn't be able to come back and get your money back later.
SC: I'm not from Oregon!
Me: I didn't say you are from OR. I am saying as an example, we couldn't refund your money back.
FC: Hey, I'm going to the car.
SC: What if I had BLAH go back into my e-mail, take a picture of it and send it to my phone?
Me: *pauses I'm not sure about that, but really wtf-ever I want her outta my hair* Sure
SC calls back BLAH and kinda explains situation while equally throwing a bitch fit.
SC: (somewhere in the middle of this, she threatened to call corporate, but I forget where) What's your name?
Me: Amajean
SC: What's his name?
Me: MOd. ( I really felt like being a smart ass and fucking with her, but I kept my cool)
We WAITED fOREVER for BLAH to send this picture of the coupon! SC has to call back BLAH a few times, so I am guessing BLAH is also an idiot. Meanwhile, customers were flocking rapidly into the store and I didn't have a chance to greet them (REqUIRED!!) and I couldn't ID the young ones!
Finally oh finally the pic is sent. I semi-struggle in reading it, SC tries to force the garbage she wrote down but I ignore it. And she leaves!! Oh joy.
I interrupt MOD's lunch again and give him a heads up that she's going to call corporate and wanted our names. He sends e-mail to store manager explaining situation. I'm told I did nothing wrong---well duh
Is this the end of her? Uh nope...
SC calls the store and MOd picks up. This is what MOD tells me:
She is claiming that she wants to return said shoes because they are "damaged". MOD says he can't return them once they leave the store as per policy (To some this may be totally silly. But a lot of our customers buy shoes because they are strippers..). She throws hissy fit saying why then was her cousin abloe to return not only an open bottle of massage oil, but 8 pairs of panties?! He says not our store, it's against policy. She says I WIll RETURN THESE SHOES! JUST YOU WAIT AND WATCH!
I asked MOd if he let her try them on before she left and he said yes. Were they damaged? NOPE. My guess is she dumb.
OLD TIMEY RENTERS
Okay this is starting to become a trend that I am totally sick of. Let me break it down to you briefly: All renters are put in our computer with their info and credit card number and it's expiration date. If said date expires, it is part of our JOB to get a new card that's not expired on file. Part of that is that we need to do an authorization fee to make sure that a) there's money in account b) make sure the card is real or what the french toast ever.
I ALWAYS explain this and it's ALWAYS the older gentlemen who throw a fit. They get bitch-tastic, red in the face and I wonder if they will become violent. I stand ground and either they follow through, threaten that I'll lose a customer (like I care) or leave. Fine. I am just doing my job.
BABIES/TOTS
Dear Parents trying to bring a small child into our store,
STOP!
I have too many people that try this. Per policy, Per STATE LAW! Anyone under 18 can NOT in a porn store!!
A few that stand out:
Every staff member is busy and doesn't see a group of people come with baby. Store manager sees person balancing baby on shoulders and is all like UH NO!
I go over to tell them to get the baby out.
SC: Why?
Me: Because it's against store policy
SC: Well we were allowed to bring him last time and you guys were okay with that.
Me: *shakes head* No.. that's not us. It's against policy
SC2: It's not like he's going to buy a condom!
Me: Anyone under the age of 18, INCLUDING babies are not allowed in here (EAt IT)
*group leaves
SM: I hate stupid people!
Me: Agreed. Did you hear what that lady said about the condom *quotes customer
SM: He's going to need a condom with those genes
Me: I love you
Second but equally annoying parent
A couple come in with a stroller.
Me: Sorry, kids aren't allowed in here.
SC: Why not?
Me: Store policy
SC: He's just 3 months!
ME: Well it's against the law, anyone under 18-including babies are not allowed in here.
SC: That's stupid. He's just 3 months old.
Me: *tired of this bs; snappy* Look, if you have a problem with it, take take it up to someone in law. It's against the law.
SC: I'm not getting mad at you. I'm just saying it's stupid. You don't have to get fucking pissy with me. *leaves
Regular: Do you have to put up with that all the time?
Me: With people trying to bring their kids in? Yes!
R: That's ridiculous.
Me: OMG I know! I mean it's against the law. I think it's stupid that people can just bring in their kids because they "won't remember" it's stupid. Also, even if it wasn't against policy, no one's going to hear a kid crying, it ruins things for other customers.
R: Yeah, it ruins the mood.
Creep Factor
I wasn't even supposed to be at work this day, but a co-worker called me asking to cover his shift because he was puking. Store manager and I are the only two there and she asks me to watch Creep because he seems shifty. I agree and well I am sure things seemed obvious that I was making sure he wouldn't steal.
I occasionally ask Creep if he needs help as he transitions from section to section. I start making videos look nice as the place starts to look like hell while keeping an eye on him. He picks up a male masturbation product (HUGE BOX) looks at me, looks at box; holding it to his chest. Yeah...
He puts it down and comes to me in the aisle.
C: how much for *whisper *whisper
Me: *being like deaf as shit and him not speaking up* What?
C: *shifts body in embarrassed pose* How much for..*whisper *whisper
Me: What?
C: Hundred dollars? *eyeing me
Me: WHaT?
I am creeped the fuck out! I think he was asking me to have sex with him! Just the way he was half-assing his speech and his posture tells me that. I was fuming but because I could hardly understand him, I couldn't get him kicked out.
Anyways that is all for tonight, my hand is now achy and I have some rum to finish.
This is the basic gist, not everything is word for word as many of you can probably gather; my memory is not the best.Oh doing you're job? Let me call corporate
Cast:
Me: Hi there!
SC: sucktastic b*tch
FC: Friend/relative/lover of SC; not really bad but yeah
MOD: Supervisor who over time I've come to appreciate
*Note: We have a coupon that is sent to customer's e-mail
SC and FC come up to me, FC has minor purchase that I don't recall with no real problems. SC has been on cellphone almost the entire time I see her in the store. She is talking to someone about a coupon, grabs a pen and one of our buisness cards and starts writing down a random assortment of letters and numbers.
On her purchase of shoes she tries to use her assortment of random as a coupon.
Me: "I'm sorry I can't take this."
SC: Why not? I just had my friend tell me the code that he (MOD) said I needed.
ME: It doesn't work that way, I need to actually see the coupon.
SC: BUT HE SAID I just needed a code!
Me: You must have misunderstood him, I need to see a coupon.
SC: *repeats above in some sort of bitchy pattern
Me: *sighs* Let me just ask if I can do that. (He may be my sup, but I may have just bs'd my way through this if he sided with SC)
I have to interrupt MOD's lunch for this, oh joy.
Me: Hey did you tell SC that she could just get a code and use it towards e-mail coupon?
MOD:
What? No?Me: I didn't think so. She got a "code"off the phone and said that you said she could use it.
MOD: No, I didn't. I said that we needed the code.
Walk of DOOM!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, you must have misunderstood MOD. We need to see a copy of the coupon.
SC: *cue rage* He said I just needed a code!
Me: repeat myself
SC: I just got it off the phone! You watched me.
Me: That's nice, but corporate has been really cracking down on specifics of discounts. I'm following policy.
FC: *finally pipes up* Well if you just entered the code and it wasn't a real code, it just wouldn't accept it right?
Me: It doesn't work like that.
SC: I have the code right here.
Me: I'm not taking it. I need a copy in front of me.
SC: Well I can't open the e-mail on my phone I can only open it at home. That's why I had BLAH tell me the code.
Me: I can't accept it.
SC: Well can I open my e-mail on store computer and get it from there?
Me: nooo
SC: So you're saying I need to pay full price, come back in with the receipt and coupon to get my money back?
Me: *almost laughing; did I say that?* Knowing my store manager, she's not going to allow that. See let's say you were from Oregon and trying to get your taxes off, but didn't have your OR ID, you wouldn't be able to come back and get your money back later.
SC: I'm not from Oregon!
Me: I didn't say you are from OR. I am saying as an example, we couldn't refund your money back.
FC: Hey, I'm going to the car.
SC: What if I had BLAH go back into my e-mail, take a picture of it and send it to my phone?
Me: *pauses I'm not sure about that, but really wtf-ever I want her outta my hair* Sure
SC calls back BLAH and kinda explains situation while equally throwing a bitch fit.
SC: (somewhere in the middle of this, she threatened to call corporate, but I forget where) What's your name?
Me: Amajean
SC: What's his name?
Me: MOd. ( I really felt like being a smart ass and fucking with her, but I kept my cool)
We WAITED fOREVER for BLAH to send this picture of the coupon! SC has to call back BLAH a few times, so I am guessing BLAH is also an idiot. Meanwhile, customers were flocking rapidly into the store and I didn't have a chance to greet them (REqUIRED!!) and I couldn't ID the young ones!
Finally oh finally the pic is sent. I semi-struggle in reading it, SC tries to force the garbage she wrote down but I ignore it. And she leaves!! Oh joy.
I interrupt MOD's lunch again and give him a heads up that she's going to call corporate and wanted our names. He sends e-mail to store manager explaining situation. I'm told I did nothing wrong---well duh
Is this the end of her? Uh nope...
SC calls the store and MOd picks up. This is what MOD tells me:
She is claiming that she wants to return said shoes because they are "damaged". MOD says he can't return them once they leave the store as per policy (To some this may be totally silly. But a lot of our customers buy shoes because they are strippers..). She throws hissy fit saying why then was her cousin abloe to return not only an open bottle of massage oil, but 8 pairs of panties?! He says not our store, it's against policy. She says I WIll RETURN THESE SHOES! JUST YOU WAIT AND WATCH!
I asked MOd if he let her try them on before she left and he said yes. Were they damaged? NOPE. My guess is she dumb.
OLD TIMEY RENTERS
Okay this is starting to become a trend that I am totally sick of. Let me break it down to you briefly: All renters are put in our computer with their info and credit card number and it's expiration date. If said date expires, it is part of our JOB to get a new card that's not expired on file. Part of that is that we need to do an authorization fee to make sure that a) there's money in account b) make sure the card is real or what the french toast ever.
I ALWAYS explain this and it's ALWAYS the older gentlemen who throw a fit. They get bitch-tastic, red in the face and I wonder if they will become violent. I stand ground and either they follow through, threaten that I'll lose a customer (like I care) or leave. Fine. I am just doing my job.
BABIES/TOTS
Dear Parents trying to bring a small child into our store,
STOP!
I have too many people that try this. Per policy, Per STATE LAW! Anyone under 18 can NOT in a porn store!!
A few that stand out:
Every staff member is busy and doesn't see a group of people come with baby. Store manager sees person balancing baby on shoulders and is all like UH NO!
I go over to tell them to get the baby out.
SC: Why?
Me: Because it's against store policy
SC: Well we were allowed to bring him last time and you guys were okay with that.
Me: *shakes head* No.. that's not us. It's against policy
SC2: It's not like he's going to buy a condom!
Me: Anyone under the age of 18, INCLUDING babies are not allowed in here (EAt IT)
*group leaves
SM: I hate stupid people!
Me: Agreed. Did you hear what that lady said about the condom *quotes customer
SM: He's going to need a condom with those genes
Me: I love you
Second but equally annoying parent
A couple come in with a stroller.
Me: Sorry, kids aren't allowed in here.
SC: Why not?
Me: Store policy
SC: He's just 3 months!
ME:
Well it's against the law, anyone under 18-including babies are not allowed in here. SC: That's stupid. He's just 3 months old.
Me: *tired of this bs; snappy* Look, if you have a problem with it, take take it up to someone in law. It's against the law.
SC: I'm not getting mad at you. I'm just saying it's stupid. You don't have to get fucking pissy with me. *leaves
Regular: Do you have to put up with that all the time?
Me: With people trying to bring their kids in? Yes!
R: That's ridiculous.
Me: OMG I know! I mean it's against the law. I think it's stupid that people can just bring in their kids because they "won't remember" it's stupid. Also, even if it wasn't against policy, no one's going to hear a kid crying, it ruins things for other customers.
R: Yeah, it ruins the mood.
Creep Factor
I wasn't even supposed to be at work this day, but a co-worker called me asking to cover his shift because he was puking. Store manager and I are the only two there and she asks me to watch Creep because he seems shifty. I agree and well I am sure things seemed obvious that I was making sure he wouldn't steal.
I occasionally ask Creep if he needs help as he transitions from section to section. I start making videos look nice as the place starts to look like hell while keeping an eye on him. He picks up a male masturbation product (HUGE BOX) looks at me, looks at box; holding it to his chest. Yeah...
He puts it down and comes to me in the aisle.
C: how much for *whisper *whisper
Me: *being like deaf as shit and him not speaking up* What?
C: *shifts body in embarrassed pose* How much for..*whisper *whisper
Me: What?
C: Hundred dollars? *eyeing me
Me: WHaT?
I am creeped the fuck out! I think he was asking me to have sex with him! Just the way he was half-assing his speech and his posture tells me that. I was fuming but because I could hardly understand him, I couldn't get him kicked out.
Anyways that is all for tonight, my hand is now achy and I have some rum to finish.
?
Yes - that was the advertisement I was thinking of.
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