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  • "Tech support with Husband 1.0"

    Found this on the facebook page of a NZ comedian, thought some of the female techies here might get a little bit of a chuckle. Yes I realise there is some inaccuracies in some of the "filenames" used, but it is mainly used for humor value.

    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 4.1.3 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 4.1.3

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance.tar.gz and Personal Attention.pkg and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket.pkg, Football.pif, Golfing.tar.gz and Continuous TV.pkg.

    Conversation.pkg no longer runs, and Housecleaning.pkg simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging.pkg to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?
    Signed, Desperate
    .................................................. .................................................. ..
    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 4.1.3 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'sudo apt-get "I Thought You Loved Me.pkg"' and try to download Tears.pkg

    Don't forget to install the Guilt 3.6.1 update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 1.3 and Flowers 1.5, but remember… over-use of Tears.pkg and I Thought You Loved Me.pkg can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence v6.5, Garden Shed v4.0b or Beer v5,0. Beer v5.0 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law v1.0a (This is a malware program that runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your household resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 4.1.3 program while Husband 1.0 is still running. These are unsupported and will crash Husband 1.0 and may result in unexpected activation of Divorce 2.5

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to boost virtual memory and performance. We recommend Food 1.0 and Lingerie 3.1 - the latter is strictly optional, but should boost performance dramatically.
    Good Luck,
    Tech Support
    Violets are blue,
    Roses are red,
    I bequeath to thee...
    A boot to the head >_>

  • #2
    This piece neglected some important information: If BoysNightOut 4.2 was installed under Boyfriend 4.1.3, DO NOT attempt to uninstall it after the upgrade to Husband 1.0. Such an attempt will trigger a "keep alive" routine in BrosBeforeHos.DLL, resulting in the installation of the YouKnewThatBeforeYouMarriedMe virus. This virus includes a rootkit, and can't be removed short of activating Divorce 2.5.
    Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

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    • #3
      Here's the same thing, but going from "girlfriend" to "wife".

      Dear Tech Support:

      Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

      Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

      I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

      Thanks,

      Joe

      Tech Support response:

      Dear Joe:

      This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

      Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

      Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

      It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings Alimony/Child Support."

      I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I am thinking of having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for fault and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

      In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

      Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible
      damage to the operating system.

      Best of luck,

      Tech Support
      Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hmmm, seems that response is lacking in a few areas, they neglect to mention that subject to geographical restrictions, it may be prudent to install prenuptial 3.41 prior to upgrading to Wife 1.0 - Also they neglect to mention that depending on the hardware wife 1.0 is installed on, the problematic software may become functional again if GirlsNightOut 2.0b is installed.

        Another option is to attempt to install Soulmate 9.99 - this software has proven to be very stable if it can be successfully installed, but it can take a lot of time and patience, though it is certainly worth it if successful.
        Violets are blue,
        Roses are red,
        I bequeath to thee...
        A boot to the head >_>

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