Wherein I offended the Java Monkey

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

Ok, so the place I work at opened a small internet cafe with 5 computers and coffee for sale.

It's not Starschmucks, but it's a thousand percent better than the coffee vending machine that keeps breaking down if you order anything more exciting than brown water with grit in it.

Someone else manages the store but I like to help out and make additional pots of joe so he doesn't have to leave the register unmanned. Last time he did that he came back to find the carafe of French Roast empty and $20 on the table.

So I wander in with three carafes of coffee and I jokingly referred to them as...

"Ok, one regular (Colombian), one High-Test (French Roast), and one Unleaded (decaf)."

Well, to hear this one caffeine addicted moron carry on, you'd have thought I had called his mother a prostitute and an inexpensive one to boot. He was saying things along the line of "Just because you can't appreciate fine coffee..."

Which made me almost lost my composure and start laughing my fool head off as our coffee is from the store in bulk packs of ground coffee. Good bulk packs judging by the amount of sales, but store-bought coffee from BJ's nonetheless.

Now I can't really figure out what I said that was so offensive. Colombian is the standard for coffee in the stores. Folgers, Maxwell House, that one with the guy and the donkey on it...are all Colombian. Thus the reason I gave it the term of Regular. Hell by all standards it IS regular coffee.

French Roast is a hell of a lot stronger, it's also darker, oiler, and the smell coming off the grounds could make a zombie stop looking for brains and sit down at a computer to finish that PowerPoint presentation he was working on before he died...hence "High-Test"

And Decaf has something removed from it like leaded gasoline. And like Gasoline, Coffee makes most of the Civilian contractors for the United States Navy run in the mornings. So based of those similarities...I named it Unleaded.

I personally hate coffee. To me that shit smells great but tastes like bitter ass. No amount of cream and sugar can ever get me to drink coffee without gagging. I have a drink with coffee in it, but it's a small amount in percentage to the rest of the drink. So I COULD have called it something far worse if it wasn't for my professional demeanor. I could have said "Here ya go, a pot of ass, a pot of burnt ass, and a pot of 'why the [smurf] bother' for ya."

Damn Coffee snobs.

M

The drink I have as my morning pickup. You can get it at a WaWa but if your place has it...

Get a large cup from your store (20 oz)
three fingers of Hazelnut Coffee
fill the rest of the cup with French Vanilla
Three shots of Irish Cream flavored Creamer

I swear it smells like you're drinking a cake mix.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Blagghhh, coffee. Tastes like a tire fire with an aftertaste of ass. I don't drink the stuff. Unless it's Gloria Jean's, which is about 10% coffee and 90% tasty things.

[friendofjimmyk]

French Roast is a hell of a lot stronger, it's also darker, oiler, and the smell coming off the grounds could make a zombie stop looking for brains and sit down at a computer to finish that PowerPoint presentation he was working on before he died...hence "High-Test"
.

bwahahahahah hahah!!!! That's really funny!!!! I need some of that stuff during finals week! Maybe even rent the zombie to type my papers!

[Dilorenzo]

"Ah, coffee snobs, can't stand them," he says as he drinks his freshly ground this morning, home made coffee...

Guy sounded like an ass... hell, when I'm in the need for my caffine, I'll drink the free crap we have here at work. And it is crap, swear to god it's made from the sweepings left over from all the good coffee factories.

Also, love your names for the coffees. I shall adopt them, and love them, and pet them, and call the George.

[Lingering Grin]

Where I use to work we had two types of coffee.

Normal, and "Jet Fuel"... they were the same coffee, except the Jet Fuel was made using 3+ bags, and the "Normal" was made using 2. Note: You were only SUPPOSE to use one bag lol.

You want decaf? There was a 7-11 across the street

[Javarod]

Mmmmm, coffee, i loves me coffee (couldn't tell, could you?). I will point out one funny thing, the lighter the coffee, the higher the caffeine, since caffeine gets cooked out during the roasting process.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

Where I use to work we had two types of coffee.

Normal, and "Jet Fuel"... they were the same coffee, except the Jet Fuel was made using 3+ bags, and the "Normal" was made using 2. Note: You were only SUPPOSE to use one bag lol.

You want decaf? There was a 7-11 across the street

Back when I was working at Perdue, it for a while fell upon me to make the coffee. No matter how I tried, they always bitched and complained that it was too weak.

I later found out that they were joking, but at the time I decided to really show them...

I made the coffee with this

I made the coffee double strength and I made it with WATERJOE brand of caffeinated water.

They told me that their teeth were wiggling.

They never made me make the coffee ever again...not that I was complaining.

M

[Gerrinson]

Yeah, I love the smell of coffe, but the flavor is just awful.

I used to make my own drink with a shot of coffee in it when I wanted something good to wake me up.

It was:

One shot of Chocolate Raspberry coffee
Fill to 1/2" short of the top with hot chocolate
Top off with cream & two sugars

Yummy, chocolatey, raspberry goodness with a shot of caffeine and major sugar high. And the icky coffee flavor covered up.

[digilight]

Man I love me some coffee, and I don't see a single thing wrong with calling 'em what you did. Hell, I wouldn't care if you called 'em Ass, Burnt Ass, and Why the smurf even bother.

Coffee is Coffee as long as it perks you up and you enjoy it then folks could call it shit in a cup for all I care, its still yummy liquid crack.

[Moggie]

Mmmmm, coffee, i loves me coffee (couldn't tell, could you?). I will point out one funny thing, the lighter the coffee, the higher the caffeine, since caffeine gets cooked out during the roasting process.

I told people that once at a Starshmucks and almost was assaulted. Of course the fact that I was wearing my "local coffee shop" t-shirt might have had something to do with it too

I used to get the most interesting coffee fiends at my shop. We were actually located inside a Dell building and they always had somebody needing a fix. I told people I was a java developer at Dell when they asked what I did.

[IT Grunt]

I told people I was a java developer at Dell when they asked what I did.

That's a good one.

[rerant]

being that I now work in a coffee shop I am starting to see the different sides of coffee drinkers.
You have the ones who are total d-bags about it and want their special made asshole drink with 1,000 variations. These people need to buy an espresso machine and a milk steamer and go away.

You have the ones who just don't care and just want something caffeinated.

Then you have my favourites: the people who think and act like they know more about coffee than they do.
They come in with their nose in the air and ask for a certain coffee, stating it's the only one they'll drink and blahblahblah.
Really? So how much do you know about coffee, because when I run out of your kind unexpectedly, rather than making you wait the two minutes it takes for a new pot to brew I fill the rest with our house blend.

[bloodrose]

I personally hate coffee. To me that shit smells great but tastes like bitter ass. No amount of cream and sugar can ever get me to drink coffee without gagging.

My Ex-BF had the same hatred of coffee and had *tried* to like it by pouring all kinds of crap into it. One night at an egyptian restaurant I got a Turkish coffee after dinner to go with my baklava (yeah, greek-ish food @ the egyptian restaurant?!). My BF tried it and fell in love with coffee. It turned out that the crappy/weak columbia-house-blend lacked any real flavor to him. The turkish coffee had a sludge of coffee on the bottom and tasted like what coffee ought to taste like.

[wagegoth]

I'm allergic to coffee, but the smell reminds me of mornings when I was a kid. My mom was a coffee addict. (Seriously, she figured out one day that she was drinking 13 cups a day, as an average. She cut way back.) Sometimes smelling too much too long will give me a headache. But I was very good at making the coffee when I was the early person. I made it the way it seemed to smell and look best.

BTW, I've heard the "regular" and "unleaded" descriptions used before for coffee, but I like the "high test" reference.

Within one block of my office, we have an independent coffee shop, a Peet's and a Starbucks.

[SteeleDragon78]

i have one to add above your high test mongo. i discovered it on a camping trip as a boy. its called gorrilla coffee. take a 2.5 lb can of coffee add to a 1 gallon perc pot, fill water to below spout and boil for 3 hours. when the coffee takes the bark off a stick its done. pour a small amout of cold water in to settle the grounds and drink. most of the guys drank it black. found out why later, it will curdle skim milk. the name is because it makes you grunt the first sip and would keep a silverback up for days