Wait...am I spoiled?!

[hinakiba777]

I have always thought my parents were pretty awesome. They get on my nerves sometimes, especially my mom, but all in all they are great parents. Now for the longest time I assumed that my parents were typical, and my grievances were normal as well. But the more feedback I get from friends, the more I am beginning to think that I am SPOILED! So I thought I would just give a list of some of my interactions with my parents to find out if I'm spoiled, a spoiled brat, or typical. I am also including some stuff my parents have done for my brother to offer a comparison.

Some Background: My father is the main breadwinner in the family. My mother hasn't worked since she was hospitalized when I was 9. Despite being unable to work due to health problems, her doctor never gave her what she needed to get disability so my father supported a family of 4 on his own. He made okay money. I won't give you the numbers, but it was at the higher end of 5 figures. His company shut down in September 2011 so he was forced to take retirement. He currently lives on retirement benefits and a parttime security guard job. As of his birthday, today, he will be able to get old age pension. My mother started recieving early goverment pension in March of 2012.

• Dad bought my brother a car in hopes he would get a job. I protested that I had a job, so I deserved my own car. Dad bought a 2002 kia Rio, that he made me share with my brother. Eventually giving it to my brother when I went to school.
• Dad bought me my own car when I said I needed one for school because the taxis were too expensive to the grocery store and there was no public transit. This was actually econmically the best idea. When I moved back to Halifax parents made me leave the car at home. It is now driven by my brother and father thought they own a van and a truck respectively.
• Dad bought my brother a truck because after having a horrible accident involving a deer in 2009 my brother hasn't had his own vehicle.
• Dad has said he will trade in my car next year for one that has power locks and air conditioning, he will continue to drive it. But I can have it back when I graduate, and use it when I'm home.
• Dad provides me money for rent, bills, and groceries.
• When living at home, mom will wake me up several hours before i need to wake up for work in order to ask what kind of cookies I would like in the lunch she is preparing for me.
• All furniture in my apartment was either bought by my Dad, or came from the house.
• Dad refused to get me a new Macbook because it was the computer or the car. But when my laptop broke he instantly replaced it with a 400 dollar Acer.
• Mom and I once argued about whether I should use the 1000 dolalrs she gave me for tuition, or to pay my rent. This was her life savings, she does not expect me to ever pay it back.
• I asked for a PS3 for three years, but never got it due to how expensive it is. But parents give me name brand clothing for christmas of comparible cost
• Dad has offered to buy my brother land, so that he can start an alpaca and goat farm
• Parents have offered to by new bed for my room at home so that I will come home after having gallbladder surgery so that they can take care of my while I recover
• Parents have never bought me a new bike, and threatened to sell the one I bought for myself if I didn't use it.
• Parents let me live home rent free while taking a year off school. My brother has lived home rent free since he graduate high school in 2004. Only getting a part-time job recently
• Despite asking many times I never got horse riding lessons or a horse.
• Parents insist I lose 60lbs to 80lbs so I will be "happier" but refused to discuss who will replace my wardrobe. (Yes, I am like 75lbs overweight, I know I don't look it in my pictures)
• Never had a pet because my mother is afraid of animals, but my brother currently keeps 3 ferrets in the house
• Last time my dad visited he bought me a new toaster, two weeks worth of groceries, a bunch of cleaning supplies, a mop, and he took me to dinner at Montana's. Plus he gave me 200 dollars to pay my bills, and promises to send me in a few days.

So am I spoiled? Am I a spoiled brat?! Am I a bad daughter?! Are my brother and I equally spoiled and I should just be happy my parents are amazing?!

Does this mean when I have kids I have to pay their rent?!

If you need more information, or context just ask. OH wow, today is actually my dad's birthday! He is officially 65!

[sms001]

??? How can any girl who didn't get a pony be considered spoiled?



Seriously, yeah, I'd say you're pretty spoiled. But if I judged your personality from your writings here, I'd have to say it hasn't hurt you any. Just considering the possibility that you might be substantiates that. So good on you and your folks. It's a tough line to walk as a parent to give children the advantages you worked hard to achieve without turning them into raging EWs but yours seem to have hit the mark.

And happy birthday to dad; hope you're spoiling him back.

[Lyse]

It's just me, but I wouldn't say you're "spoiled". That makes me think of those kids that are given everything that they want because they'll have a massive temper tantrum if they don't get it.

I would prefer to say that you're "indulged". . After reading about the cookies - I would even bump that up to incredibly indulged.

[Greenday]

To sum it up, pretty much, yea. Sounds like you get pretty much everything handed to you. You started the thread so I'm guessing you figured it out, but at least it hasn't made you some snobby jerk like it would most kids.

[drunkenwildmage]

They way I'm reading it, I sense a pattern with what you posted about yourself. (I'm assuming you are still in school) I don't want to say you are necessarily spoiled,but it sounds like your parents are helping in ways that they think will allow you to concentrate on your schooling.

[PepperElf]

Some things to keep in mind.

Being able to afford to go give your kids things they want doesn't mean the kids are spoiled. That would mean that all people who have good finances (or good financial planning) are somehow spoiled which is just silly.

It sounds like they help, but it also sounds like they don't give you every thing you ever ask for. I noticed the cars look to be used cars, and that even they had some requirements. The things they've given you seem to be mostly the true basics - shelter, food, clothing. They've added a few extras that make things easier - some used furniture, used transportation so you're not a prisoner in your housing, a reasonably-priced computer so you can get your work done and have some entertainment. But the things that are pure wants & not needs (PS3) aren't included.

and as suggested above, what you've been given helps you concentrate on your schooling. looking back to my last college experience, i wonder if i'd have slept better had I gotten myself a real bed, vs tossing a blanket & feather mattress top (my BF's gift to me) on the floor & calling it a "bed".

And you sound grateful. That's the big thing. It's hard to be "spoiled" when you are thankful for what you've been graced with.

I know I've been there. I almost cried one birthday and found that Mom's gift to me was a prepaid grocery card.

[taxguykarl]

And you sound grateful. That's the big thing. It's hard to be "spoiled" when you are thankful for what you've been graced with

Spoiled has more to do with your attitude. IOW the reason your folks gave you all these. Was it in resonse to a hissy fit or some other kind of emotional blackmail or a polite request? What was your reaction when a request was declined?

[Kristev]

Yes. Your reaction to what you did when a request was denied is what will tell the tale.

[auntiem]

It think it depends on a few things like how their parents helped them out when your folks were starting out. For example, my folks paid my (and my sister's) tuition and made it clear that they didn't expect to be paid back - and wouldn't cash the checks we sent. So my sister and I sent them on a Big Band cruise - that they couldn't not "cash" and they accepted that as partial payback. In their minds parents should pay for the first 4 years of college, 'cause both their folks did it for them. We were both on the hook for any further schooling - though they have helped when we let them - Cue the silly animated fight at the textbook store when they wanted to buy my textbooks for the quarter (this was just last x-mas and I am now 45yrs old .
The car thing is more a Dad being protective thing in my experience. Again, something a Dad feels like he should provide or help with if possible.
The filling the fridge when they visit - also a "parent" thing. It took me getting married for them to stop doing that for me.
The bed thing - my folks gave me the bed (a single and I'm sure that was on purpose) I had my whole life when I moved out - my Mom only bought me a new futon when I broke my leg years later (lower to the ground and easier to get out of).
So if you are "spoiled" then so am I - but remember some folks are glad to provide things (and have the means to do so) that will help their kids get ahead in life and be safe.
You might have to be creative in the "payback" phase of your relationship if your folks are anything like mine.

oh, and yes I did have horse riding lessons but that fell under "every girl should know how to ride horses, ski (water and snow), play bridge and chess" Eastcoast attitude.

[Andara Bledin]

I'm thinking that you are merely the child of parents who have the wherewithal to be able to give their kids the things they need.

As others have mentioned, the line between provided for and spoiled has a lot to do with pure wants versus needs and your own expectations.

Honestly, from the interactions I've had with you, you're not even remotely spoiled. I've known a lot of people who have come from fairly comfortable families who have been given far more than you and appreciated it far less, and even they weren't necessarily spoiled.

Now, the different rules for the brother thing would chafe on me, but, then, I had to live with my brother getting things that I had to push for growing up, so that's an issue with me. Basically, I got 'punished' for being a better kid. >_< At least that's the way it felt (and still feels).

^-.-^

[hinakiba777]

Yes. Your reaction to what you did when a request was denied is what will tell the tale.

What was your reaction when a request was declined?

In regards to the PS3, I would just ask for it for the next major gift giving event. If I didn't get it for Christmas I would wait until February and start asking for it for my birthday. If I didn't get it for my birthday, I would start asking in September if I could have one for Christmas. I also told them if they didn't get me one, I would eventually just scrape the money together myself and buy my own. In the end that's what I did.

Honestly, that's how I react to everything I ask them for that I can technically afford myself. I would prefer not to waste money on something frivilous, but if they don't think they can afford it, I have more disposable income. Usually. This is not the case right now.

I never spend money my parents give me on anything other than needs. It's not my money to spend. The only time I disagreed with my parents on how the money should be distributed was when my mom gave me money to pay tuition and I used it to pay my rent. School would wait for the payment, my landlord would not.

When my brother and I were young Dad made it a rule that the more we pestered the longer we had to wait for things. He made it very clear that no meant no, and maybe meant later. We once missed a whole day at the carnival because we asked him every five minutes if we could go.

When I asked for the first car, I was joking. I woke up the next morning the car was in the driveway.
Me= Hey dad. There's a kia in the driveway.
Dad= *drinking his tea* Yes.
Me= Who do we know that drives a shitty 2002 kia?
Dad= You do.
Me=I........ I HAVE A CAR!!!! *runs to my dad and give hims a giant hug*

In regards to the second car I was a lot more persistent, mostly because mom didn't want me driving a car in Newfoundland. However, we only had one vehicle at the time and I had a job so I kept at it. My dad and i visited a used car place, I found a car I loved. Dad agreed I could have it, then quickly decided against it. While I was disappointed, I didn't make a fuss. One because a car is a huge expense, two because my dad waffles on stuff like this all the time and usually surprises us. A few days later we signed the paper work on my Aveo.

There have been a few arguments regarding my brother being allowed to have or do things I am not allowed to do, so my parents don't always give in to my demands.

The only thing I really fight with my parents about is when they do nice things that are at bad times, or that cause problems. Like washing all my laundry for me when I'm at school, and destroying at 300 dollar silk blouse in the washer machine. They did not replace it, but they did buy me a prima cotton argyle sweater. Or cleaning my room so that I can find NOTHING. And my mother walking me from a sound sleep at 6am to ask me if I want rice krispie treats or granola bars in my lunch even though I don't have to leave for work until 3pm. Usually when my ire cools I feel like a brat for getting mad at them.

When I am at home and using my car, I pay for most of the repair work myself.

According to my dad I have never thrown a tantrum. The closest happened when we were at the store when I was 2 or 3 and I wanted a toy. I started to huff and pout, and he interrupted me.
Dad= Holly, what do we say when we want something?
Adorable wittle Hina=...Please?
Dad= And if Daddy gets it for you?
lil Hina= THANK YOU!
And he bought me the toy. But it's really hard to say no to this.

[Barracuda]

You're very lucky, yes. My parents groused constantly about any money they had to spend on me starting the day I turned 18--and they didn't want me to spend my own money on myself before that! The fights I went through trying to get them to help me with college...and 3 years after college, when I couldn't find work that would allow me to both pay my college bills and live on my own, they threw me out. They helped me pay rent for years because I literally could not come up with the money working full time. Every month I was threatened that this time had better be the last. Finally they rolled my debt into their mortgage, and told me I am expected to pay back every cent. I only got my parent's old clunker by paying them for it, and I only have a better car now because someone hit me while I was driving my dad's truck (my car was in the shop, again, at the time,) and I paid for a better car out of the settlement I got. Now I've been cut off, while being unemployed (lost my last job illegally after using FMLA time for panic and anxiety attacks.) Despite the economy, they have bluntly told me their house is NOT my home and I cannot ever live there again, no matter what. My sister, on the other hand, was able to live there without even working for a couple years, and when she did start her first job, earning half again the most I've ever made, she continued to live there and didn't pay rent. Now she's married and living on her own, but she lived there right up until she got married. I frankly feel like a semi-unwanted castoff of my own family. Be thankful for what you have. You could be in my situation and going crazy from desperation.

[iPanda]

In my opinion, being spoiled means given everything you ask for and when denied, throwing a tantrum until said want is gained. Also, that everything in life is handed to you.

I think that you are fortunate and have parents who are willing to help you when you need it.

Also...

Dad has offered to buy my brother land, so that he can start an alpaca and goat farm

I would like to marry your brother and raise baby alpacas together. How can I achieve this?

[Not Lillith]

Not spoiled.
Loved.
And lucky enough to have parents who can afford to help you out financialy.

Repay it. Tell them you love them. Send them random thank you notes. Take care of them as much as you can within your means when they are old.

Again. Not spoiled. Just exceedingly lucky.

[Rhion]

I've always viewed "spoiled" as being selfish, inconsiderate of others, and having everything given to you on a silver platter by over-doting parents... in that order. It's an attitude more than what you're given.

You seem to have a firm grounding in reality, realising what exactly you get, and what it costs. You'd only be spoiled if you took it for granted and assumed it was your right to have such things.

If you recognise any advantages your parents have given you, and let them know you appreciate it, that is a far cry from the self-absorbed spoiled behaviour that is all too common these days.

...

also... +1 for iPandalpacas. Best mental image ever of the month week.