So it's over

[iradney]

TTO (husband) and I are separating. This happened nearly a month ago...

He loves me, but not "in that way" - whatever that may mean. Apparently it's nothing I said or did, it just...happened. We're still working together, and so far so good, but how can I stop my personal feelings from getting in the way?

I did suggest couples counselling, he said no. I'm going for counselling myself because honestly, I did not see this coming and needed help quite desperately. Ten days before he told me he wants us to split up, he took me for a super romantic couples spa day for my birthday.

We still want to be friends - you don't spend over ten years living with and loving someone without becoming best friends. Any tips on how to maintain that?

We're not at the point of talking about divorce yet. I'm also not holding out any hope of a reconciliation, because when that doesn't happen, I'll end up going through this all over again.

I'm still heart broken. I have good days and bad days. I've started smoking again. This is not how I thought things would go

PS No, there's no-one else. I would know, I have access to everything since I work for him, and he's never been in the habit of lying to me.

[Kheldarson]

No advice, just

I'm sorry

[Sheldonrs]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My personal opinion (and I know this is difficult since you work together) would be to spend as little time together as possible once you are living apart. Constant contact while this is going on will likely turn to hate and resentment and could block you from ever becoming friends later on.

[iradney]

Currently, he's staying at his sister's and I'm still at home. A friend and I are looking for a 2 bed place for us to share with our dogs...I haven't seen him since end of September

What sucks is, I miss my best friend. I miss hanging out with him and talking shit. And it's hard on him as well - like I said, he still cares about me, and he's never wanted to hurt me. So this sucks for everyone involved really.

Thankfully all our work can be done via email/text/skype - hooray technology I guess...

[Teysa]

I wish I could offer more than hugs. But, I wish you the best.

[Seanette]

TTO (husband) and I are separating. This happened nearly a month ago...

He loves me, but not "in that way" - whatever that may mean. Apparently it's nothing I said or did, it just...happened. We're still working together, and so far so good, but how can I stop my personal feelings from getting in the way?

I did suggest couples counselling, he said no. I'm going for counselling myself because honestly, I did not see this coming and needed help quite desperately. Ten days before he told me he wants us to split up, he took me for a super romantic couples spa day for my birthday.

We still want to be friends - you don't spend over ten years living with and loving someone without becoming best friends. Any tips on how to maintain that?

We're not at the point of talking about divorce yet. I'm also not holding out any hope of a reconciliation, because when that doesn't happen, I'll end up going through this all over again.

I'm still heart broken. I have good days and bad days. I've started smoking again. This is not how I thought things would go

PS No, there's no-one else. I would know, I have access to everything since I work for him, and he's never been in the habit of lying to me.

{{{iradney}}}

I have no advice, not having been in your position, just sympathy and a vote of confidence that you'll make it through this OK.

[Tama]

I'm sorry, but saying he doesn't love you in that way usually means, 90% of the time, that there is cheating. It's like the #1 red flag.

There are also many ways to hide it. Secret emails, throwaway phones. Etc.

[MoonCat]

Sorry to hear this. I've never been in this situation, but a good friend of mine has. There was a lot of anger at first, which I believe came from the grief of the marriage falling apart, but in the end they became very close friends, and still are. He'll even stay at her place and help out if she's sick, or if the weather's so bad out where he live that it would be dangerous for him to be alone (he's got some health problems).

I can't offer much advice but I do offer my sympathy.

[Sapphire Silk]

iradney, I'm so sorry. It hurts. I know.

I urge you to stick with the counseling. The counselor will help you process what you are feeling so you can pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

I recommend you cut off all contact, other than what you need to do to get the divorce paperwork through. If you have to use a lawyer for a divorce in your country, then all contact should be via the lawyer.

I take it there's no children. That's a good thing. It means you can make a clean break. I haven't talked to my ex since I moved out of the state we lived in, by my choice. I knew it was not good for me (I didn't worry about what was good for him once we split), for the same reason you are grieving: my ex was my best friend too. The friendship was now dead.

I'm so sorry this happened. I hope you bounce back quickly and find someone worthy of you.

[iradney]

I'm sorry, but saying he doesn't love you in that way usually means, 90% of the time, that there is cheating. It's like the #1 red flag.

There are also many ways to hide it. Secret emails, throwaway phones. Etc.

This time I can guarantee it. We don't have disposable phones in our country, just pay as you go, and buying them costs quite a bit of money. There's also been no major changes in his personality/grooming that would indicate cheating either.

I recommend you cut off all contact, other than what you need to do to get the divorce paperwork through. If you have to use a lawyer for a divorce in your country, then all contact should be via the lawyer.

When we do talk, 95% of it is work-related. We're a good team and work well together. While I suspect that during this grieving process we will not talk to each other for a bit, I do think we can at least be good co-workers. And I like the job I have with him - I work from home, don't have to deal with office politics etc etc.

[Shangri-laschild]

My best friend and I dated about 10 years ago. We were living together and loved each other but it didn't end up working out. It was a rough break up for me and he and I had to take some time apart to let us get over things. I missed him a lot during that time period. We were best friends even before we started dating and not talking to him was amazingly hard for me. Not being at his mom's house often when his mom had become a second mother to me (one I actually liked) was rough as well. I can say without any doubt though that the space was good. I wouldn't have been able to get over it all as well as I did if he had been around. It would have been a lot harder for me to get to a place where I didn't have even a little hope/interest in the back of my head about us getting back together. Our friendship now is completely platonic and neither of us have any interest in anything more than that. I hope the counseling helps. I wish I had gone to therapy sooner than I did and it helped a lot when I finally did it. I know with you two working together, there's only so much distance to be had but getting what distance you can and just taking care of yourself helps a lot.

[BlaqueKatt]

I went through this almost exactly a year ago. The ex and I still text, I'm still in touch with some of his family, and he calls when he's having trouble with his depression.

It's hard, is all I can say.

[iradney]

Today marks a month. So far I'm ok. I'm hoping it will stay that way...

[blas]

Oh dear lord rads, I am so so sorry

*hugs*

I've never been married, hell, never even been in a "real" relationship, but I've had the lack of feelings thing happen to me plenty of times.

It fucking sucks.

You are a gorgeous, amazing, not to mention F U N N A Y, loving lady. Never forget that. You mean a great deal to a great many, many people, all over the world.

You're never alone with us

[Jester]

Rads, this so completely sucks. I don't have the words that I want to say to comfort you....and if I don't have the words, you know something is pretty fucked up.

The good news, such as it is, is that you two both seem to be dealing with this like mature adults, rather than like juveniles, as so many couples do. Even if he doesn't, continue the counseling as long as you feel you need it. And if he doesn't want counseling, it's possible he's in a bit of denial, or he's just one of those people that doesn't need counseling. (It does happen.) I say this because I know you still worry about him, which is natural.

One thing that helped me in various heartbreaking situations was physical activity. For me riding the shit out of my bike until I can't move anymore helps. When my fiancé broke up with me, I went to a gym and beat he living hell out of a heavy bag, learning only after the first time that it's probably a good idea to wrap your hands. (I walked out of that gym that first time with shredded hands.)

But the wisest words I can offer are not mine, but Blas's: remember, whatever else happens, you are are not alone.