Wherein I Post The Grand Finale

[Gravekeeper]

lol, its the third time you posted that. No one listens to you ANYWHERE.

I know, qq.

[Food Lady]

I'll always be your biggest fangirl. I love a man who has a way with words.

[M'oh Less]

GK you've always been an inspiration. Please do let us know where we will be able to find your comedic ramblings once they are live. Best wishes in the new position, unwanted though it was. May it be an unexpected boon to you!

And I'm totally using, " Sorry I ain't to clear. I'm soakin' my Hollywood smile." as my quote of the day.

^_^

[EricKei]

I've wracked my surviving brain cell (it is the weekend, after all), and the only explanation I can come up with for "Hollywood smile" is a set of dentures, maybe? o_O

[Jester]

When this first went up, I started a reply post, got a good way through...and my computer crapped out on me, and decided to reboot itself.

I tried again to comment, and again, my computer had other ideas.

My computer has been behaving the last week or so, so I am going to try a third time. I'm hoping I get through it, because if I don't, my computer may end up through the window and on the sidewalk.

But enough doom and gloom, if am I to go out, it will be with a bang. So brace yourselves for some odd 2-3 months worth of pure, unadulterated idiocracy that I've been saving.... >.>

Even though the change is involuntary, congrats on the new position, and I hope you enjoy it....and share the parts of it you don't enjoy with us, your humble servants.

For I am shallow and desperate for approval.

Join the club!

This is mainly because your rectum incapable of performing a DNS look up.

Now wait a moment there, GK. From the descriptions of some of your customers mental abilities, I would say that some of them are indeed capable of this, or at the very least believe they are capable of this. Since so many of them clearly have their brains buried so deep up in there.

I am the Dunce Whisperer.

Yes. Yes you are.

Normally everything we sell is one unified, depressingly bleak shade of grey. But we’re taking a chance on this “Red” thing we keep hearing all the kids talking about these days. So please, by all means give it a try and let us know what you think. This is a bold move for us and the shareholders are uneasy.

Yes, shareholders tend to get quite uneasy when discussing things that are red, especially if they are "in the" red, as they say. Shareholders definitely prefer things to be "in the" black. At least, I think that's how they say such things. I may be a bit off on my cool economist slang.

Mortal Transit:
There’s nothing quite like seeing Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat desperately trying to explain to two transit cops why he doesn’t have a transfer on him.

Or explaining to them the three frozen passengers, and the fourth one that has been rendered spineless. FATALITY!

Niether Spiderman nor Superman had a beer gut.

But Homer Man did!

I’m A Bag Of Doritos!:
Yes, yes you are. I admire the fact you went the extra 9 yards and strapped a giant foam nacho to your head too. But I’m a little unsettled that your ass has a Nutritional Information label.

Betchya can't eat just one!

Seriously, I have to give that guy credit for a great costume. And the ass label is a nice touch. It's all about the details.

The Joker:
Does not have a beard.

But Cesar Romero's version had a kickin' moustache.

Beloved cereal mascots should not be trying to pick up women at a crosswalk.

Where SHOULD beloved cereal mascots try to pick women up?

Tarzan costumes don’t exactly work when you still have to wear a sweater and jeans under them.

Lord Greycoat, I presume?

Zombies have poor navigational skills. Luckily, despite being dead, they’re still coherent enough to ask me for directions.

See kids? In Canada, even the zombies are polite!

Otherwise Sexy Nurse, Sexy French Maid and Sexy Kitty are going to be huddled under a bus shelter cursing their lack of foresight.

I can't be the only one that wants to see that video....

Where’s Waldo:
Everywhere! I spotted him three times on the way here and then again working at <store>. He’s really lost his touch these days.

Maybe Canadian Waldo has lost his touch. But the only time I found Waldo recently was during Fantasy Fest in Key West. And he was now a she, with all the appropriate garb (glasses, hat, etc.), except for the fact that the striped shirt was painted on to her bare torso. And yes, I DID get a photo with Waldo, thank you very much!

Masked Bandit:
Just a helpful hint here for all of you lads thinking of skimping on your costume this year; Wearing just a cheap mask with a hooded sweatshirt does not say “I am dressed up for Halloween”. It says “Attention police officers, I am probably about to commit a felony. You may wish to question me vigorously at your earliest opportunity.”

I can't be the only person who is wondering how many thieves have used Halloween or a similar costume-themed festival to commit their crimes. I would love to pick a cop's brain about that, especially in a place like Key West where we have multiple festivals that involve costumes, most of them multiple-day events. And then there's Christmas....anyone else think that dressing up as Santa or an elf would be a good disguise for a bank robber around this time of year?

I'd love to see the statistics on this stuff, to be honest!

(This last weekend was "Pirates in Paradise." I can practically hear the witness statements from the bank robbery. "Officer, he was dressed like a pirate!")

Mermaids:
Are a rather sad sight when they need an umbrella.

Again, I can't be the only one who wants to see this.

The Hog:
Do you know who rides public transit at night wearing just flannel and a pig mask, sir? Serial killers, that’s who. I’m not sure if you’re dressed up for Halloween or if this is the only night you can move about unnoticed by the authorities.

Again, see my post above about costumed criminals. But that being said, the above is rarely an accurate costume for a serial killer. I believe Wednesday Addams said it best when she said that serial killers look just like everybody else.
Exhibit A: Dennis Rader, aka BTK.
Exhibit B: John Wayne Gacy.
Exhibit C: Jeffrey Dahmer.
Exhibit D: Ted Bundy.
Exhibit E: Gary Leon Ridgway, aka the Green River Killer.
Five of the most prolific and notorious serial killers in the history of the U.S. And every single one of them looks normal, most of them boringly so. Because every serial killer knows that the best disguise is blending in with everyone else.

Viking Hoard:
A peculiar raiding party of Japanese Vikings boarded the Skytrain at Broadway. They were really quite polite though and didn’t even plunder anything. Very nice of them.

What's in their wallet?

Canine Trio:
Three guys, all wearing the same dog mask and no other visible costume pieces. Just dog masks. I’m going to assume they’re actually notorious bank robbers. I’m also going to assume they sprung a flat on the way to the job and had to catch the Skytrain.

Perhaps this was merely a very bad attempt at dressing up as Cerberus, the legendary three-headed dog from Greek mythology.

Wormhead & Sexy Pumpkin:
Miss, you have a giant worm coming out of your head. No other costume. Just….a giant foam worm coming out of your head. I thought perhaps you were dressed as, say, an apple? But my reasoning was dashed by the fact you’re wearing green, not red.

What, they don't have green apples in Canada? Granny Smith would like a word with you, young man....

Superpimp!:
Yes, Superpimp. He even had a cape and chest emblem. He was wandering down the street towards the office with Catwoman and a Cow Girl in tow. Well, perhaps wandering is not the right term. Strutting, definitely strutting.

Dude, if you're Superpimp, you GOTTA strut! There ain't no other way to glide, Clyde! Especially if he's got two hotties along for the ride. Word, bro!

I didn’t know your husband was tragically killed by a number last summer. It must be very difficult to see his killer’s face everywhere you turn. What with 4 being part of our area code and all.

Clearly she can never go to any golf course.

Though the defense attorney for 4 swears that his client is innocent, and that there were eyewitnesses who saw pi fleeing the scene, several decimal points trailing behind it.

I mean, my God, do you know how many lives Sears has claimed over the years?

Authorities have been watching Sears for years, especially since his former partner Roebuck disappeared, never to be seen again.

Dude Beer

I rode down town this evening with a gentlemen by the name of “Dude Beer” next to me. I don’t know who he was, or how he was ordained such a majestic title. But who am I to question someone that spelled “Dude Beer” on the back of his hat with hot glue and refrigerator magnets?

"Beer Dude" would have made sense, and I would have applauded such a hat. But "Dude Beer"? If you're in a loud bar and trying to get an order in to the bartender from afar, I could see holding up said hat. But other than that, I dunno. Unless he's going for some cool chic name thing, like Kid Rock or Kid Coconut. But Dude Beer?

Kinda falls flat.

Heck, you know what? It’s for a good cause. I’ll even let you call me Susan.

Hello, Susan.

SC: “All I want to do is hum a song into his voicemail.”

How romantic. Did you have any particular song in mind? Or were you just going to go with one of the classics such as “Prelude To A Restraining Order ( In D Minor )”?

Not familiar with that one. Personally, I was thinking she might go with the Stalking Song.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Me: “………sorry, what was your name?”
SC: “Monica”
Me: “….That’s your name?”
SC: “That’s my name, yeah.”

I don't know about Vancouver, but here in Key West, there are quite a few guys who would probably answer to the name of Monica.

I don't know Monica myself, but I DO know that if you're going to the drag show, try to make it for a night when Inga's working. Because Inga is a HOOT!

(The last comment was perhaps the only non-sarcastic one in my commentary. Inga really is the bomb, and I send a lot of tourists her way.)

I don’t know which way the Hobbits went.

Well, I'm pretty sure they didn't just walk into Mordor. Because one simply doesn't do that.


Apparently the third time really IS the charm, as somehow I have managed to get all the way to the end without pitching my computer out the window to shatter on the sidewalk below, or perhaps knock some poor innocent tenant walking their dog out cold. Success! (Of course, I still have to POST the damn thing. Wish me luck!)

[dalesys]

Authorities have been watching Sears for years, especially since his former partner Roebuck disappeared, never to be seen again.

In Canadialand they're trying to locate his other partner, Simpson. Seems he's gone cartoon.

[HeroOfNotBashingSkulls]

I dunno...

My ass is pretty receptive to Wi-Fi. You see, when people ask me "Wow, did you pull that info outta your ass?" I can say "YES! I did!"

[wolfie]

Mermaids:
Are a rather sad sight when they need an umbrella.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe SHE didn't mind getting wet, but needed to keep her algae-bra homework dry.

[dalesys]

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe SHE didn't mind getting wet, but needed to keep her algae-bra homework dry.

Details, details...