The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Grape The Cat]

Dear P.R. Ecious:
Your daughter is to wait in line like everybody else. If a customer allows her to go in front of them that is fine . However, We cannot allow people, whatever their age, to cut in line. Your threat to destroy merchandise in our store has been noted, and you are hereby banned from all our locations.
Sincerely,
Patience S. Virtue
CEO Food Tiger Markets
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Dear Pharmacy:
I was appalled at the level of service at one of your stores, when I , a loyal shopper for over twenty-five years went to your store. I went to the register and asked for a pack of cigarettes. Your rude, idiotic, inbred, uneducated, freak of an employee asked for my ID. Hello? I don't give anybody my ID!!! I am a loyal customer for twenty-five years!!! I don't need to show your employee ID!!! They are probably identity thieves anyway as only lowlifes with no education would work at a store like this. I demand that you fire this lowlife, and give me free cigarettes whenever I come to your store. I shop and drink wine with the mayor's wife, so if you do not do as I demand I will tell her and all the other woman in my circle all of whom are married to important men. I will also tell the media and write about your horrendous uneducated thugs on my blog.
Sincerely,
Helena Handbag

[Sarlon]

Dead Mrs Handbag,

just by the tone of your letter I can understand why our loyal cashier carded you, are act as if you are a child of 4.

as for our cashier? he is paying his way through medical school and has great promise for a long career, specializing in rectal/cranial reversion.

sincerely,
dr. dolittle
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Dear call center for my credit card!

I am SIMPLY appalled by the gumstion your rude agent gave me in level of service! I acknowledge that it was my mistake the I over drafted my account by $5, but I mailed a check to your main branch in my town to bring the balance over the negative!

after 2 weeks of waiting my account is STILL in the negative, my money order for $50 is missing, and your RUDE agent had the balls to tell me that my card is only sponsered by the bank not an actual bank account!

oh and your rude employee was trying to STEAL my information! she kept asking for my social security number to pull up my account, even though I did not have my card number! I mean I'm using my friends phone, and NEVER give information like that over the phone because someone will steal my information, like your employee....she kept telling me that I had to mail the money to their department to get my account out of the negative, and that because I used a money order to pay to get my account out of the negative they have no idea where my money is!

I DEMAND you refund my $50 to my card to bring it out of the negative, AND fire the employee!

signed:
Ima Whiner

(except for demanding me being fired, this story is true....from just tonight)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Whiner,

The employee needed your social to verify that the account was yours and she was right about having to mail the money to the department. Therefore, we will not refund your money nor fire the employee.

B. Ank
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to a checkout where an employee was ringing up another employee, told him to stop ringing her up and check me out, and he had the nerve to tell me that she was first. You need to train your checkers to not ring up employees when there are customers. Your employees are there to serve me and customers come first. If you continue to allow your checkers to ring up employees and not stop the order when a customer comes to the line, I will start a fire in the back of the store.

Sincerely,

S. P. Ecial

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ms Ecial,

Feel free to start a fire in the store; we are fully insured and the local fire station is only just round the corner. However, I doubt that you would enjoy the free ride to the local police station that you would receive, or the free pair of metal bracelets for committing an act of arson. Then again, it's unlikely you'll ever get the chance, as I have personally banned you from ever entering my store again.

Yours insincerely,

Mr Store Owner.

~~~

Dear manager of CheapoClothes,

I was recently in your store when my six year old daughter needed to go to the loo. True, she first asked to go about half an hour ago, but I was busy shopping. I asked your manager if Preshush could use the staff loo; the manager had the audacity to refuse and say she could lose her job if she let my daughter go out back. I am shocked and appalled, as the manager is obviously implying that Preshush is a thief. I demand compensation and for the manager to be tarred, feathered and run out of town on a rail.

Yours,

Mrs Helen Highwater.

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Highwater,

How can you be so insensitive? When your daughter needs to go to the loo, you should go take her? Shopping can wait. The bathroom can't. I should know, since I'm a diabetic.

As for why the manager disallowed your daughter from going to the bathroom, I asked Charity about this, and on the day that you were shopping, we had the electrician in to do some repairs to our faulty wiring. Your daughter, wandering back their on her own, could have been severely hurt. She was trying to protect your daughter from harm. Nobody accused you of anything until Davey, our part-time sales rep, noticed you slipped a shirt in your purse and attempting to walk out without paying for it. He said the lavender shirt was sticking out of your black and white purse and it made a ghastly color combination he would never wear. And as Charity pointed out to you, we have a public restroom at the front of the store. You simply said it wasn't good enough because there was a paper towel on the floor.

Since you like that shirt so much, you can have it, along with the makeup you also attempted to swipe, but left open. The shirt, I should warn you now, is no longer lavender anymore. Now it's color is . . . well, it's lavender here and it's beige there and it's olive green there and . . . You can also have one our most special cards. The B. A. N. Program card. Just show it to the first employee you see when you come to our store and they'll know what to do.

As for having Charity tarred, feathered, or run out of town on a rail, I would never do that! Even if I wanted to, my wife would kill me, as Charity is our eldest daughter. This is a family business, you see. Even Davey is a member of our family. He married my son, Courage.

So, have a nice day.

Mr. Justice & Mrs. Mercy Forthright,
Owner & Co-owner of CheapoClothes, discount fashions for the underpriviledged but deserving.

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Dear Queen of Spades Restaraunt:

My son, my daughter and I were going out for our shopping trip as I do every Saturday morning. During the four hours that we were at Voldemart, my children became hungry and demanded I buy them lunch. So after my shopping there was done an hour later, I left with them. Well, as I was driving to the next place I intended to shop at, my children saw your restaraunt out the window. Since I'd never set foot inside your restaraunt before, I decided I wanted to try it. So I drove in, and we placed an order. Did you know your restaraunt reminds me of a pack of cards? Why did you do that? It's so bright, but at least this Queen with a spear and a shawl is everywhere.

Well, quite simply, the place had so many games and it was so fun and relaxed, that I decided to allow my children to eat their pizza, and go play in your arcade. I simply informed a waitress and took off to continue my shopping. An hour and a half later, I'm getting an irate telephone call from a nurse who I don't even know! She tells me that I'm a bad mother for leaving my children behind at a restaraunt! And that she's already called C. P. S., and she also said she strongly suggested to the restaraunt's manager that he ring up the police. How dare she?

Who does she think she is? I've never had this happen before! Why, I've left my children somewhere fun dozens of times while I finished doing my shopping and came back to get them later that night. I demand you fire that busy-body nurse, and compensate me! And I want my son and daughter back this minute, complete with plenty of free food so I don't have to cook for them!

Signed Miss Nancy Elaine Glectful-Parent.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Glectful-Parent,

You need to take responsibility for your children and we have no authority to fire the nurse. Until you do, you will not get your children back or special treatment.

Sincerely,

Q. U. Eencard
Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

You had absolutely no right to fire my daughter for not showing up for work. I told her that she could work the shifts she wanted and didn't have the work the ones she didn't. I demand you rehire my daughter and allow her to work whenever she chooses. If you don't, I will burn down your store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Casual

[purplecat41877]

Envelope has been returned to Mrs. Casual due to lack of stamp. Mrs. Casual puts on a stamp and remails the letter shown above.

[Marmalady]

Dear Mrs Casual,

Your daughter's attitude to her schedule was not the only thing she was casual about; she was careless about everything, including giving the right change, having enough buttons fastened, and even her own personal hygiene. When she wasn't trying to hit on the more attractive male customers she would constantly yammer on about everything that was going on in her life and in yours (I hope the outbreak of boils has cleared up now, by the way).

It had got to the point where no other employee would work within 200 metres of her. They didn't even mind having to cover for her frequent absences, as they would rather have her work than her company. The final straw was when she failed to show up for the annual stocktake, which all staff must attend for, and couldn't even be bothered to phone her usual feeble excuse in. So no, your daughter will not get her job back. Not that she ever bothered to do it in the first place.

Your threat of arson has been noted and passed on to the local police. They sounded very interested.

Yours sincerely,

U. Kango-Andwistle,
Store Manager.



Dear Manager of Countryside Store,

I am writing to complain about the disgraceful treatment I received yesterday from one of your till operators. I had just popped in to collect my copy of 'Duchess Weekly' and the queue at the newagent counter had at least 2 people waiting to be served. Well of course I wasn't going to wait that long, so I just went across to the nearest checkout and handed my money to the cashier there.

That insolent little girl had the temerity to tell me that she couldn't take my payment for the magazine! When I demanded to know why not, she said that the newsagent was a separate business! That's ridiculous! Everyone knows that you are one big store! Then she said something about a 'concession' - I wasn't asking for a concession, I just wanted to pay for my magazine!

I threw the magazine at her and walked out. How dare she treat a loyal paying customer like that? It's quite obvious that she just wanted to get out of doing any work.

I want that horrible girl fired and five years' free subscription to any magazine of my choice.

Sincerely,

Mrs I Maharridan.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Maharridan:

We have consulted with the publisher of Duchess Weekly, and they have agreed to give you a free five-year subscription to their newest title. And what's more, they want to make you the cover story of their newest title's first issue!

Enclosed please find a number to call to set up an appointment for the People To Laugh At correspondent to come interview you for the story.

Regards,

Ida Publisher

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Dear Crap 'R Us:

Your store refused to accept my internet coupon good for one (1) free Xbox 360. Said something about it being "counterfeit" or some shit.

Counterfeit my fuckin' ass! I got it of the internet! It has to be good!

Accept my coupon and give me my free Xbox 360 or else I shall forever torment your staff with my social ineptitude and my gamer funk. Or sue you. Whatever.

Joe D. Gamer

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Gamer,

The coupon is fake. I've seen them before; it's a tacky cut and paste job from Word with a barcode stolen from a can of Green Giant Peas.

Thank you for the heads-up. We have the five-gallon drum of industrial-strength detergent and the firehose on standby. We're ready to meet you!

Sincerely,
Ty D. Andclean, manager,
Crap 'R Us

*****

Dear Manager,

I love that show Extreme Couponing and wanted to try it out. I dug through every dumpster in my complex, clipped every coupon I could find and brought them in with me on my next shopping trip.

I can't believe you wouldn't accept my coupons for toothpaste, dish soap, frozen dinners, hair color and everything else! Yes, the only thing I bought was one box of cereal, your point? You get the money back anyway, why wouldn't you take my coupons and give me money for them?

I demand that you take all my coupons and give me the money without me having to buy the products or I will go to the media about your horrible service!

Sincerely,
Anita Clue

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Clue,

Coupons are only good if you have the product and it's not expired. Therefore, we won't take accept any coupons if you don't have the proper items.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Hardware Store Manager,

I had to quit because you ran out of hours for me. I felt that I was great at the job. Enclosed is a check for the patio that collapsed because the customer didn't build it right. I gave him specific instructions on what to do. The customer shouldn't have sued because I'm an expert at building. Therefore, if possible, I want to come back to work for you.

Sincerely,

James Wonder

[tech_monkey]

James,
You didn't quit, you were fired. Cardboard, wood glue and ground coffee are not building materials for any structure, especially not for a solid granite patio and veranda.

Ace, Hardware Store Manager
P.S. A check should actually have a bank associated with it.

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Farmasi Manerjar,
Dude, i totally have that glock conan stuff mentioned in your panfilets. I reeeeealy need a good hookup.

B. Stonerd

[Victory Sabre]

Dear Mr. Stoned.

If you need a "hookup" there's online sites to get an "intimate encounter".

Until you are able to tell me what you want, or need, besides that, please don't contact us anymore. Your messages will be ignored.

I. M. Manager
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Dear lottery commission.

I came into your headquarters a few days back with the winning Mega Millions ticket. I presented said ticket to the peon at the front desk and told them I want my $680 million, and I want it NOW!

I was shocked and horrified when the stupid peon told me that the ticket was not the winning ticket.

Apparently the ignorant peon hasn't heard that the "customer is always right". I told her (or maybe it was a him) that the ticket was the winning ticket. That should have been enough for the stupid fool. He said some tripe along the lines "winning tickets must be validated", or some BS like that.

I told the lame ass loser, who, probably, hadn't even graduated high school, that I had several PHD's, and was smarter than him. I also told the desk jockey that I refused to leave without my $680 million.

Imagine my surprise when I was arrested for standing up for my rights. As a lawyer, who has several law degrees, I know my rights.

In closing, I DEMAND that the pathetic loser be executed. I DEMAND compensation in the form of 10 billion dollars. As a Priest, with several Theological degrees, I DEMAND that the POPE apologize for this insult toward me.

Yours truly

Orwin Carl David Gambler

[Kristev]

Dear Mister Orwin Carl David Gambler,

You did not have the winning ticket. Thus, you lost the game. Therefore, you are not entitled to one orange penny of the money. I will not be firing my employee, who, by the way, is only three credits away from completing med school. And we have no intention of giving you ten million dollars, after the way you threw a tantrum and broke our windows by throwing a brick. As for the Pope, ask him yourself. But we will be happy to give you one thing - a ban.

Ms. Fulla Fuel,
Owner of 'Fill 'er up junction."




Dear Pizza Heaven:

I went into your restaraunt yesterday, in order to take advantage of your buffet special. But I was told that you didn't have a buffet special, and I was forced order a medium pizza. I specifically told them I wanted the meat fanatic pizza, but without any of the meat. Of course I didn't tell the waitress that. She's supposed to know telepathically. What did I find when I got my pizza? The ditz got it wrong. It had pepperoni, sausage, bacon, ham . . . I was so disgusted that after I ate my pizza, I kept a peperoni and decided to voice my complaint to the waitress. Her name is Elaine, and I want her sacked! She's the worst waitress in the world! She had the nerve to behave as if a child's birthday party with a dozen of his friends and their parents were more worthy of her attention than I was. There was no reason she couldn't drop everything and pay attention to me. All she did was bring me my pizza and my drinks, but she wouldn't listen to my complaints because a child ran out the door and she went to help his parent go catch it. How dare she ignore me! I got so mad, when she came back to me, I spilled my drink on her. And then your store's manager told me he didn't approve of anyone assaulting his niece, and that I could get out. I told him about my pizza, showed him the pepperoni, and really let him have it. And do you know what that jerk did? He called the cops! Instead of Pizza Heaven, you should call the place Pizza Hell. I demand Elaine and that manager be fired, I demand free pizza for a year, and I demand that you give me free coupons to your buffet.

Sincerely,
Mr. Herr Ih Kane.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Kane,

If you don't want meat on your pizza, you need to say so. We've also never had a buffet special and no one forced you to order a medium pizza. Also, the waitress needed to keep an eye on the children so they wouldn't get hurt. The mother with the child that escaped was grateful that Elaine was able to help so the mother got a gift card. You, on the other hand, will be getting nothing, and the manager and Elaine won't be getting fired. We have given both of them a raise and you are now banned from the restaurant.

Sincerely,

Angel Pizza
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to the checkout, told the employee to pack my groceries, and she had the nerve to tell me that I had to pack them myself. That's her job, not mine. She rang up my groceries and wouldn't pack them so I was forced to pack them myself. I want this employee retrained on customer service, a $200 gift card, and my next order for free or I'll shop online from now on.

Sincerely,

Lacey Bagger