How to handle someone who can't abide by a nice request

[Food Lady]

I moved in with my mom and brother because she is 72 with medical issues/needing surgeries and she's new to our state. She moved here solely to be with us because after her husband died, there was no reason to stay in expensive, crowded SoCal. I gave up my own household where I lived alone for 12, 13 years or so. It's an adjustment. My sleep is messed up because of my brother's work schedule so that's hard but I'm not angry at him. I knew going in. It still gives me massive migraines and I have to deal with that. (No sleep is a big trigger.) My mom's sleep patterns have been all over the place. I am working from home and sometimes they don't know how noisy they are. I am no longer working a 2nd job so I'm home more often. I am not supposed to be eating a lot of starch and sugar because I'm at risk for diabetes--I already have blood sugar issues I'm trying to mitigate--and the two of them are constantly bringing home cookies, ice cream, pastries, pies, brownie mix, etc. It's difficult to walk in the kitchen and see it literally everywhere. So, yeah, this is a sacrifice for me. I mean, I did want us to be a family again, but on many issues it's them on one side and me on the other.

So, to today. It's a seemingly minor thing, but Bro keeps using the dish towels I brought to the household for his model car projects. Yes, we have pooled resources, but I still respect the fact that many items in this house were picked out and paid for by others and that I should take care of them. I know they're just towels, but it's the fact that I am a person who likes to decorate and I made my last home mine with those and other kitchen things. I took time and money to pick them out because it was the first time I was really ever on my own. I gave that up and kitchen stuff is a vestige of that. I couldn't even get that out to explain when I asked him nicely if he could use cleaning rags instead because he jumped on me immediately. His response was that he wasn't getting paint on them. Well, there were black marks on one of Mom's pink towels the other day. I can tell by looking at them that she paid a bit for nice, absorbent ones. I was about to say that they can get dirty and that we have more cleaning than dish towels so why not use them and the phrase I began with was "Well, you know--" when he interrupted "I DON'T know" and stormed to the garage. Know how this started? Found the one I specifically bought for Easter--and honestly paid too much for but I was willing--in the garage with spots on it.

It's the principle. Of course he wouldn't have known my reason. That's OK. But to not have ears for it is unkind. To not be willing to see someone else's point of view and just get mad that yet another woman is telling you what to do is immature. I've been asked nicely multiple times by my mom to do things a certain way and I was happy to abide by it. It's her house, technically, though it will be ours. And she does the same if I ask nicely. But he just doesn't want to make any concessions for anyone. I will be in the middle of a project doing it in a way that's fine, not asking for advice nor direction, and he'll just tell me "You don't do it that way. You do it this way." Um, no, *I* do it this way and it's just fine.

It's always going to be him alternately getting mad at being asked to not do things and jumping on me for how I do stuff. I can't live like this but Mom needs my money for the prop. tax and utilities and she needs me physically here when Bro isn't. She's covered between the two of us.

Should I have just bit my tongue and tried to launder out the stains later?

ETA: No, I can't really move out, even if Mom could get a tenant. I had cheap rent and while I can technically afford more if you go by my gross income, I can't because my net is so small due to old bills. I'm still working on getting my credit score back up. I'm not sure I would qualify for anything. Plus, I feel it would be a betrayal of sorts to my mom. So I'm stuck.

[XCashier]

Maybe go to an auto parts store, buy a package of shop towels and leave them in his workshop, just for him to use?

He could simply be thoughtless and just grabbing something to use, but his reaction is awfully hostile. Blowing up over a reasonable request like "don't use the good towels for your model car work" is way out of line. You might have to get a counselor to intervene.

As for the goodies, yeah, I understand the frustration. My family insists on bringing in all kinds of goodies, even though they know I'm on a diet. "Just don't eat them!" Yeah, it's like putting a bottle of Bacardi in front of a recovering alcoholic and telling them, "just don't drink it!" A counselor might have to intervene there, too.

[Food Lady]

I don't think he would go and Mom won't get involved at all. If he yelled at her I'd say "Hey, please don't yell at your mother." He would probably apologize. The one time I said "Don't treat me like that" he apologized later, albeit by text. That has been the only one I've gotten from him.

[Mental_Mouse]

This is abusive behavior. Perhaps merely thoughtlessly abusive, but still abusive. I don't suppose kicking him out is an option, but at some point you need to confront him with the idea that not everything in the house is his to do with as he wishes.

[Kristev]

Yeah, I have to agree. This is a toxic mess all the way around.

[Kittish]

Every time he messes something up, demand money right then and there from him to replace or repair it. Don't back down, and if he gets shouty and abusive at you again, call the cops. Don't wait, don't threaten, just call them and be sure a report gets filed. Let him know that every time he does this, the cops are going to show up, and that if it continues, you're going to kick him out. When you've filed several reports over his abusive behavior, throw his ass out, and get a restraining order.

[Food Lady]

I cannot throw him out. I do not technically own this house. Howver, I feel I do need to step up and call him out on it, as in "Don't treat me like that" or "it hurts me when you snap at me like that." That does get his attention. I do think it's thoughtless and he doesn't see his flaw. How many of us go through life hurting people without seeing that we do until someone says something? There are two proverbs that are true, "Answer a fool according to his folly" and "Don't answer a fool according to his folly." I'm good at the first one with not family but with family I should implement it more. That's what I've come to see here, thanks to your responses. Basically, peopole don't see their sins until they're pointed out.