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  • Quoth purplecat41877 View Post
    Dear Mrs. Coddled-Children,

    The reason my employee told your children to stop playing with the toys is because we need the batteries to last.
    We also need the employees' sanity to last!
    I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
    My LiveJournal
    A page we can all agree with!

    Comment


    • Mrs. Rush,

      As this is the fourth time we had to call the police on you, we feel no worry at your threat. You rarely "shop" at our store. You simply run around like a chicken with your head cut off, and either shout you have no time for it and run out of the store. Or you do what you've done so many times before and run out without paying. We have warned you many times about this. And now you DARE to demand retribution from us for having you arrested when you once again stole from us?

      Ma'am I would like to inform you that you are now BANNED from our store. Don't bother appealing to Corporate, they agree with me.

      I hope we never cross paths again;
      Manny Ger
      ------------------------------
      Dear Hotel Owner,

      My wife and I decided to stay at your establishment during a hurricane. I had many plans to go sight seeing on the weekend, but was unable to due to the weather. I went to the Front Desk to complain. The girl was very helpful with other concerns, but seemed stunned by my latest request. How much trouble is it to make the Hurricane stop? It's not like I'm asking her to play God!

      I demand a year's free stay, and perfect weather during my whole stay. If not, I will sue your hotel and all it's staff.

      Yours Truly;
      Thor Nado
      Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

      Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
      Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

      Comment


      • Dear Thor Nado-

        We've received your letter and looked into your concerns. It's been determined that our company isn't liable for your dissatisfaction. YOU are the one who chose to stay during a HURRICANE, despite repeated requests that you leave, therefore not only putting yourself in harms' way but also our employees.

        And no, we don't have the power to make hurricanes stop or change their course.

        If you're still intent on suing, here's the number for our legal department (a copy of this letter as well as your original complaint has been forwarded to them as well):

        1-800-GO-CHOKE

        Dog Bless and Good Luck-

        Getta Life
        Hotel Owner

        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Dear Towing Service-

        Why have you been persecuting me for several weeks now? All I wanna do is park outside my apartment building sos I don't have far to walk, but your tow trucks keep showing up and towing my car off. I've gots my permits, but still yous keeps hounding me like I'm some sort of criminal.

        It's a free country . . . I can park where I wanna. Either pay off my tickets and my permits for me for the rest of my residency at the apartment complez or I'll sue you for all the moeny in the word.

        Sincerely-
        Ima Ditz
        Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

        Comment


        • I recognize this letter....so I'll take it!!!

          Dear Ms Ditz,

          As we have had numerous complaints of you double parking, smashing repeatedly into other cars while you vainly attempt to parrell park, block most of the side walk with your car, hit the panic button at 2 am because a cat sniffed the tires, and left it there for 4 weeks with 3 flat tires and smoke pouring out from under the hood for the better part of the day...I must repectfully decline your letter attempting to make us pay for your lack of brain cell.

          You are also 4 months behind on rent and are hereby issued an eviction notice. Your car will be towed and your personal belongings will be left on the curb after one week if they are not removed before then.

          Regretfully,
          Ms Spine
          Resident manager

          -------------------------------

          Dear Car Company,

          I recieved a letter in the mail from you offering me either a free car, $25,000 cash, a big TV, or a vacation.

          Naturally I went right to your shop and polietly told the service people why i was there. After waiting 2 hours and being told my credit sucks to bad to get a new car, I was given 3 gold coins and told to have a nice day!

          I was BEYOND humaliated! I demand a new free car, AND either the cash or the new TV!

          Or you WILL hear from my lawyers!

          Ms Ema Whiner
          It is by snark alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire 'tude, the lips acquire mouthiness, the glares become a warning.

          Comment


          • Dear Ms. Whiner,

            In the future, I suggest reading the letters you receive more carefully including the fine print. Therefore, your request is denied.

            Sincerely,

            Car Company Owner


            Dear Laundromat Manager,

            I recently brought a load of clothes to your laundromat since my washer and dryer were broken. When I was there, I poured the soap and some orange powder into the washing machine after I put the clothes in. Once my laundry was washed and dried, all of my clothes were bright orange. I demand you do my laundry for free and return my ruined clothes to normal or I will never use your laundromat again.

            Sincerely,

            Mrs. Ritdye
            My Fanfic Page
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            Comment


            • Dear Mrs. Ritdye,

              Thank you for including your name and address with your letter. We now know who ruined our washing machine with cheap dye. Enclosed is the bill for our new machine. If no payment is forthcoming, it will be forwarded to the Broken Kneecaps Collection Agency, who will take great pleasure in making you see the error of your ways.

              Regards,
              Lon Dromat, manager

              -----

              Dear Store Manager,

              My fifty friends and I parked all our cars in your lot to take the Park-N-Ride to the game (their lot was full). Imagine our shock when we came back to find our cars had been towed! Yes, we saw the "Store Parking Only -- Violators Will Be Towed" signs all over the parking lot, but we didn't think you were serious. I mean, come on, it was the Big Game!

              We demand that you pay our towing and recovery fines and let us park there when we want to, or we'll never shop at your store again and buy whatever it is you sell.

              Sincerely,
              Jacque Strap
              I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
              My LiveJournal
              A page we can all agree with!

              Comment


              • Dear Mr. Strap,

                Our parking lot is for our paying customers only-no exceptions. Also, we will not pay the fine since you and your friends parked in our lot.

                Sincerely,

                Store Manager



                Dear Grocery Store Manager,

                I recently bought some ground beef and consumed some as soon as I got home. The next day, I ended up with food poisoning and had to call out of work. I demand you put a sign up warning your customers not to eat raw meat. I also want an $80 gift card to make up for having to miss a day of work.

                Sincerely,

                Mr. Raw Meat
                My Fanfic Page
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                Comment


                • Dear Mr Meat:
                  I am sorry to hear of your illness. However, we have checked the meat in question and have found that they do carry labels that tell how to safely enjoy the meat. We have also checked and have found no recalls regarding the meat you purchased. Therefore, I must regretfully deny your requests.
                  Sincerely:
                  S.F. Food

                  manager

                  Dear Waltargmart:
                  I recently went to one of your stores and was appalled at the ;lack of customer service. I grabbed a cart from the shopping lot and found it was wet. It was raining on the day of my visit but that is no excuse for the abject laziness of your employees. When i contacted management I was offered a dry cart from inside the store. I shouldn't have to go inside on wet days to get a dry cart. Your employees should bring dry carts out to me. i am the customer. I am always right. To make up for this appalling customer service I demand $50,000 in gift cards the entire store fired, and a handwritten letter of apology from your CEO. If you fail to meet my demands i will contact the media who will have a field day with the way you abuse your customers.
                  Signed

                  Dee Rama Queen

                  Comment


                  • Dear Wannabe Queen of the Universe,

                    You do realize, of course, that if you would like to shop indoors is probably the best place for that, and not the parking lot. It seems you are a woman of contradictions, so I'll tell you what. Next time you are in the store I will have an employee nicknamed The Hose personally wet it for you.

                    As for your request for a handwritten apology by our CEO, when he heard the contents of your letter, he laughed so hard he had an aneyurism and died on the spot. We will be sending you the bill for his funeral expenses, which is good because I hear renting out Madison Square Garden can be quite expensive.


                    Cram it,

                    Miss Manager


                    P.S. I wouldn't say anything to the media if I were you. I did a little research on your family, and you guys are incestuous enough to make any creepy male in a V.C. Andrews novel shudder.




                    To whom it may concern,

                    I was recently in your store to purchase some electronics. Youe extremely rude and unhelpful employee pointed out it was a coffee shop, and I wanted Big X store down the street. I ignored her, as she was obviously insane, and asked her fellow employee where the big screen TVs were. He had the unmitigated gall to laugh in my face. Failing to get some assistance, I figured they would need to be persuaded to help me, so I pulled out my assault rifle. I demand that you fire your rude employees. I further demand the dismissal of the living of the eight arresting officers.

                    Sincerely,

                    Al Ladinsayne

                    Comment


                    • Dear Mr Ladinsayne,

                      I thank you for your letter, as it means that the attourny general will, after all, be able to press for the death penalty in your trial. What a weight off my mind it would be to know that you will be electrocuted.

                      Yours, Mr Manager.

                      ~~~

                      Dear Gamestop Management,

                      I am utterly disgusted at the staff that you employ. I demand that you fire the girl with red and blonde hair who told me that I could not purchase the most recent Mortal Kombat game for my four year old son. He is in fact extremely mature for his age, so it doesn't matter that he's younger than the minimum age on the game. I am the customer and I am always right. In order for me to continue to shop in your store, I would like a £50 gift voucher and a grovelling apology.

                      Yours, Ms Awphulmum.
                      People who don't like cats were probably mice in an earlier life.
                      My DeviantArt.

                      Comment


                      • Ms. Awphulmum-

                        We've reviewed your complaint and have decided that our employee acted in your child's best interest regarding the Mortal Kombat game.

                        We have given the employee in question a $50 gift card for her exemplary customer service regarding the incident and have named her Employee of the Quarter.

                        Thank you for letting us know about the excellent experience you had at our store and we invite you to shop with us again - provided you can prove you're mature enough to pick out an age appropriate game for your child.

                        Regards-

                        I. R. Lafin
                        Area Manger

                        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Dear Clearance Swamp-

                        Yesterday I wuz in yer store in Inbred, Wisconsin and had the wurst experienze of mah life so fur.

                        I has reeceently bught a Krups coffeemaeker and couldn't find the filterz for the damn thing. I wanderes de store forever trying to find hellp and when I finally did he din't now what kind of filters my machine uses.

                        This is unaccekptable and he made me crye all the way home, even thoughs I'd found some filters I don thik theyze the right oones.

                        I wants a $1,000,000 gift card and a personal apoloogy from the employee who upset me so - his name was something with an Eye - and I want it broadcast on national tv - preferably on the only show worth watching - Jerry Springer.

                        You have a week to reply otherwise I"m going to the media-

                        Sincerely-

                        Weepie DramaQueen
                        Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

                        Comment


                        • Dear Ms. DramaQueen-
                          I have reviewed the incident at our Inbred (WI)store and have come to the conclusion that no one did you wrong. The employee in question tried to help you but you did not have sufficient information. You request for a $1, 000,000 gift card is hearby denied. We have talked to Mr. Springer but he said that the subject was to bizarre for his show. Thank you for letting us no about your experience at Clearance Swamp.
                          Sincerely,

                          Hank R. Chief
                          Clearance Swamp Customer relations

                          ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                          Dear Manager:

                          I recently went to one of your BBQ shops and i sat down and awaited service. No one served me for 30 minutes. When i brought this to the attention of your idiot employee she said i was in a closed section. I am the customer. I can sit anywhere I want, and i don't have to wait for a hostess to seat me. When i asserted my rights as a customer your racist manager called the police and i was arrested. I want my bail paid, my record expunged, all people involved in this incident fired, and free meals for life. If I don't get these requests met i will alert the media as to your racist and idiotic way of doing business.

                          Sincerely,

                          Race Card
                          prisoner #157396

                          Comment


                          • Dear Race Card,

                            That section was closed because no one was available to cover it. Also, your fighting with the manager has caused all of your requests to be denied.

                            Sincerely,

                            BBQ Manager



                            Dear Supermarket Manager,

                            I came across an employee, asked her for help, and she had the nerve to tell me that she was off the clock. I told her that she was going to help me anyway and she told me no and walked away. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and not willing to work for free. I also want free groceries and a $200 gift card to make up for this poor experience.

                            Sincerely,

                            Mrs. Important
                            My Fanfic Page
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                            My Social Group
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                            My You Tube Channel

                            Comment


                            • Dear Ms. Important,

                              It was not that our associate was unwilling to help you when he was off the clock. He really couldn't help you at all. As you may not already know, I will explain. In our region it is illegal for anyone to work when they are not on the clock. So, had our associate helped you, he would have broken the law. The store would then have gotten into a lot of legal issues, and we would like to prevent that. As costly court dates mean we have to raise prices. I'm sure you don't want us to raise prices.

                              Also, I talked to the young man in question. He was actually doing his own grocery shopping on that day, and wasn't even in uniform. We are very happy you come to our store so often that you are able to recognize our associates when they aren't even in uniform. However, as I said before, it is illegal for us to have ANY off our workers serve customers when they are not on the clock.

                              So I will not be firing the associate. Nor will I give you your free groceries and gift car. If the boy had done what you wanted, the store would have been going up against a lot of legal action. So by denying you, and following the law, he saved us a lot of money. Well over the amount we gain from your patronage.

                              We hope you will continue to shop with us, though

                              Sincerely;
                              Marshal Law
                              Manager

                              ============================
                              Dear Krazy Kow Ice Cream Company,
                              Last week I went to one of your warehouse stores and bought a commercial sized tub of "Milky Way Swirl". I ate the whole package once I got home. I then got violently ill. There is no warning on your packaging stating that eating 10 gallons of ice cream in one sitting might make you ill.

                              I demand you put that warning on all packages from now on. Also, I would like a free tub of "Milky Way Swirl" as I ralphed up the last one I purchased.

                              Sincerely;
                              Noah Commonsense
                              Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                              Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                              Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                              Comment


                              • Dear Commonsense:

                                The commercial size tubs of our ice cream are meant for larger gatherings. You know, multiple people. Not singular people who eat for multiple people.

                                Enclosed please find a coupon for a commercial-sized tub of our newest flavor: Asparagus and Anchovie Avalanche. Hope your spoon's ready.

                                Krazy Kow

                                ================================================== =============

                                Dear Ye Olde Porne Shoppe:

                                This corncob strap-on you sold me is defective! The cob broke off after only sixteen seconds of use.

                                And the braided rope strap is uncomfortable to me my partner. "Purveyors of Fine Perversions" my foot!

                                Give me my money back or allow me to trade the strap-on in for some buffalo tallow lube.

                                Andy Butt
                                Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                                "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                                Comment

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