How to handle passive-aggressive housemate

[houdini]

My housemate is one of my close friends, and he's moved in with the BF and I (at our invitation) because he's struggling with depression and can't cope with living alone. Most of the time it's fine - it's nice for BF to have someone around in the evenings when I work late, and they have a few interests in common; Housemate and I get on pretty well, and we'll often game/craft/do stuff together. I'm one of the few people who can make Housemate feel better, which is partly why he moved in. He likes doing things with me, and likes having someone around who will just listen and be able to talk things through with him. I have depression myself and I think having someone who understands has really helped. He's usually a really good housemate and we get on pretty well.

However, I'm struggling with his passive-aggressive moods at the moment. If I reject an idea (through perfectly valid reasons), I feel like I've kicked a puppy. I know I can't be responsible for anyone else's moods, and I do remind myself of that, but it doesn't help the fact that I am responsible! To clarify, we don't argue and there's never any direct blame - he just goes and mopes, or won't talk to us. I don't think he's doing it deliberately - I don't think he really has any idea that he's being passive-aggressive - and it is pretty hard to conceal moods when you live with someone who's both depressed themselves and a pretty good empath (aka. me), so I don't think he's doing this to be vindictive.

I had an incident yesterday where he suggested going away (we're both history nuts and he wants to visit some ruins) and fixed on a particular date which doesn't work for me, but of course he took it as "you're rejecting my idea" and got miserable, and I then had to over-compensate to convince him I did want to go. The incident that has put the icing on the cake was that he cooked breakfast today as a thank-you for BF and I, so it was a really nice gesture. I ended up walking away in tears because I really didn't want any, but couldn't work out how to tell him without getting the kicked-puppy treatment or making him feel rejected. Obviously that then made him feel worse and I've been getting little comments all day about how shitty a day he's having - not actively directed at me, but obviously my behaviour this morning caused it. I know that I should have simply said that I didn't want anything, but I feel caught between a rock and a hard place as either way, I'll feel guilty for not eating the damn breakfast. (He didn't ask before he made it, otherwise I would have had a gracious get-out.)

Has anyone got any suggestions for what I can do, either in terms of making him understand how his behaviour is affecting me, or in terms of my reaction to his behaviour?

[Seshat]

Having depression yourself, you have to know how difficult it is to modify your behaviour when you're depressed; especially when you're new to being depressed or to being depressed and living with other people.

It sounds as if you're the one who's further along the 'how do I cope with my depression' path than he is; so I suspect you're going to have to be the one who learns to cope first. (I'm not letting him off the hook - he's going to have to change as well.)

First of all;

"I know I can't be responsible for anyone else's moods, and I do remind myself of that, but it doesn't help the fact that I am responsible!"

doesn't mesh with

"or in terms of my reaction to his behaviour?"

You obviously know that how you react to someone's behaviour is modifiable by your own will. Yet you are blaming yourself for his reactions to your behaviour. You don't get to have it both ways!
If you can change your reactions, he can change his. Or maybe neither of you can change and you're doomed to eternal misery. Which is it?

Yeah, I thought so. You both can change.

Now, here's the rub. At this point, you know THAT you can change. I strongly suspect that he doesn't yet know that he can change.

All you need, by the sound of it, is to learn HOW you can change.

If you have someone around who knows you and knows the various reaction-modification techniques, get them to help you choose one they think will work for you.
If you don't, but you can afford to get a mental health nurse, or a (properly trained) mental health counsellor who can guide you to one that will work for you and can supervise you through it, please do.
If you can't afford that, look for something like http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/. Heck, use that one! That's a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) program produced online by the Australian National University, for people in the far-flung regions of Australia. It's also damned useful to anyone else who has 'net access and can't (for whatever reason) get a live therapist.

CBT doesn't suit everyone, but it's worth a try.

[houdini]

Thanks :-) I'll look into CBT.

It's just frustrating that it's always me that has to change, even though I'm going through the same thing he is...but self-awareness does take time and hopefully I can work out how to talk to him about it.

[Seshat]

Another thing to be aware of is that behaviour patterns that seem passive aggressive ... aren't always.

For example: Bast's mother would have a PA pattern where if Bast wasn't doing something 'work-ish' (chores, homework, etc), and Mother was working in the kitchen, Mother would be clattering things and banging things a bit. Not a normal characteristic for her.

So when I was in the kitchen, clattering and banging things, Bast - initially - thought I was being passive-aggressive.
Then we talked about it ... and Bast realised that the reason I wasn't stacking the dishes quietly is that I can't: my hands shake too much. I wasn't being passive-aggressive, I was being disabled.


Anyway ... I know that 'being disabled' isn't going to be a common case for 'not intending to be passive aggressive' ... but isn't it better to ask, or investigate, and find out when it's not?




Edit to add: It's not always you who has to change. But the only person whose change you can implement ... is you. It helps when you think of it that way around.