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I had not one but two people take my name and operator ID last night so they could destroy my career or something. Yay~
The What Now?
SC: "Someone threw a keg from the apartment up top!"
Me: "..a keg??"
SC: "They threw a keg full of whipcream!"
Whip cream comes in KEGS? What the hell, I've been missing out. A keg of whip cream would awesome. I could drown someone in a keg of whip cream. I WOULD drown someone in a keg of whip cream. Then I would laugh, because someone just drowned in whip cream. I'd still be laughing as I watched the headline on CNN from my jail cell. Because you know they'd use some headline lead in like "It was a Sundae his family would never forget.".
Mythical Things
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "<mumble gibber>"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "Grass, like that stuff outside!"
Truly? You say this "grass" is in some sort of realm known as "outside"? I've never seen "outside" myself you know, I've only read about it in books and fairy tales. They say there are many, many things outside. How will I know which one this "grass" is? Where is it? What colour is it? Does it taste like chocolate? Come now! You've already given me a precious glimpse into the vast knowledge of you sun dwellers. But I must know more if I am to find this fabled "grass" you speak of!
Not Quite So Mythical Things
Me: "How do you spell that?
SC: "V….v as in like victory."
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "as in like vase."
One example will suffice thanks. Believe it or not I do know what the letter V is. It's common knowledge after all. Its not some confounding, mysterious thing like, say, "grass".
There Is Only
SC: : "Can you tell them I won't be in today for 8am?"
Me: "Ok, what's your name?"
SC: "Dana Mcdonald"
Me: "and you said 8am?"
SC: "Wendy."
…right…lets send Wendy back to Neverland for a moment and bring Dana back out. I still need to speak with her for a moment. After that Wendy or Zuul or whomever can come back out for a rousing game of Connect Four with yourself or whatever it is you do when you're not bothering me.
Ulterior Motives
Me: "Ok, and your postal code?"
SC: "xxx-"
Me: "-xxx?"
SC: "You're not going to use my information for anything else are you!?"
Aside from using it in Google Earth to watch you while you sleep, no, not a thing.
Violating the Geneva Convention
( I'm paraphrasing, it actually took exactly 1 minute and 58 seconds to convince this guy. )
Me: "Good evening, Gravekeeper speaking, how may I help you?
SC: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi."
SC: "Are you Peter?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Hi, Peter."
Me: "No-"
SC: "There's this house on blah blah I was wondering if I could see the house at blah blah time-"
Me: "Who exactly are you looking for?"
( The office has 3 Peters... )
SC: "Pardon?"
Me: "Which agent are you looking for?
SC: "Do you speak Mandarin, Peter?"
Me: "….no. Which real estate agent are you looking for?"
SC: "The address is on blah blah-"
Me: "I'm the answering service for the office, who were you looking for?"
SC: "Could I see it around blah blah?"
Me: "I can't schedule any showings for you."
SC: "Oh."
Me: "You'll have to call in the morning, the office is closed right now."
SC: "So later during the day?"
Me: "Yes, call-"
SC: "I can see it later during the day?"
Me: "No, you'll have to call during the day to schedu-"
SC: "Ok, I want to see-"
Me: "I'm not Peter and the office is closed!"
SC: "Oh, you're not Peter?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Oh, ok."
<sob> I'm not Peter! I don't know any Peter! Jeebus Christ, just let me go! Trust me, you won't get much for a ransom for me. Maybe some Cheezits and if you're really lucky a few left over slices of room temperature pizza from the break room that have been sitting out since yesterday afternoon. I'd say thats about all the office would be willing to pony up.
Eleventy
1. Caller called to complain that the resident manager stuck a sticker on his car threatening to tow it. He cannot get a hold of said manager. Caller wishes to speak with someone regarding this RIGHT THE HELL NOW!@#!$!!111ELEVENTY.
2. Caller is informed we're the emergency line and that is not an emergency and we cannot call the property manager ( Not the res manager, we don't deal with them. Emergencies = Property manager. )
3. Caller restates desire to speak with someone ( !!$#!ELEVENTY )
4. Caller is informed this issue is NOT an emergency but I'll be happy to file a message for the office to look into this for him in the morning.
5. Caller one again restates desire to speak with someone ( $#@elventyboogalu ). Caller threatens to call me back "Every 5 minutes" until I comply.
6. Caller is politely told no, not yours.
7. Caller threatens to call police and have them call me if that is it takes.
8. Caller is informed he may do that if he wishes, but no, not yours.
9. Caller threatens to call police and have me arrested for not helping him.
10. Caller is once again informed no, not yours.
11. Caller demands my name/id, etc so that he may identify me to the police and have me arrested.
( At this point on the call recording you can actually HEAR my coworker in the background APPLAUD and begin laughing. )
12. Caller is informed he can do what he must.
13. Caller hangs up, presumably to go the police to have me arrested. Caller never calls back because I assume the police dispatch officer laughed in his face.
Eleventy: The Sequel
1. Machine did not print receipt for caller. Caller becomes confused and scared, calls us.
2. Caller is informed by operator that machine is out of paper but his payment is just fine.
3. Caller has small, spiny, squirming animal up his rectum. Verbally elaborates for several minutes to operator till ultimately demanding supervisor.
4. Operator transfers him to supervisor. ( Moi ).
5. Caller is offered *every possible recourse that I have* to assist him. Even though he does not actually have a problem ( Its only out of paper, his payment is fine. ).
6. HEDGEHOG. MACARENA. ANUS. IN.
7. Supervisor is baffled at this irrationality. But none the less informs rodent anus caller that if its so incredibly dire he may call head office when they open in half an hour and they can confirm the payment was transmitted. ( It is currently 6:30am, I can only do tier 1 and open cases for tier 2. No tier 2 till 7am. )
8. WTF WAIT!?%$% MUST NOW HAVE.
9. Caller is advised this is physically impossible.
10. Caller demands MY supervisor.
11. Caller is informed I am the highest ranking officer onboard.
12. Caller demands boss of company.
13. Caller is informed this is physically impossible. It is 6:30am. No one else is here but moi.
14. Caller demands the head of my division.
15. See statement 13.
16. Caller throws incredible shitfit about how he is a customer and thus we must comply to his every wishes because he is a CUSTOMER. Caller insists that the amount of money he inserted ( $80 ) is a huge sum of cash and it is completely unacceptable there is no receipt for it. ( Remember, no paper. Its physically impossible )
17. Represents all possible options even though he does not actually require any of them.
18. Caller restates the "Customer" arguement. Caller insists we have made a profit off of him of $22 ( Psst, our service fee is $2.50, try again you festering rectal polyp. ). Thus he apparently gains CEO status over us or some such.
19. See statement 17.
20. Caller frothingly demands my name, etc etc and threatens to destroy my career. Hangs up.
21. Supervisor quietly hopes caller is rectally violated by a sea lion within the next 24 hours. ( Bite the pillow kid, its going in dry. )
I Never Knew I Had Such Talent
SC: "Hi, I'm from US Airways/America West in Las Vegas and I'm helping some passengers here that don't speak English very well get a room."
Me: "Ok, I can put them at the <Hotel> for $59"
SC: "Alright, one moment. <To the background> Ok they can put you at <Hotel> Suites for $59 dollars."
Wow, if that’s how high the bar is set then I'm god damn bilingual. Hell, trilingual even! Holy mango fizzbats, I am awesome.
Woah.
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "Oh sorry, I thought this was the clock thing."
The…clock thing…? Ok now I'm curious. Can you give me the number to the clock thing? I too want to experience this chronological marvel with you. What does it do precisely? Does it hurdle you back through time? Its not the number to a phone booth is it? Because that would be like woah, dude.
( I'm gonna try and snag the Peter call audio. When we played it back my response was amusingly, how should I say? No nonsense? At the end.. >< )
Day One and Two complete.
The What Now?
SC: "Someone threw a keg from the apartment up top!"
Me: "..a keg??"
SC: "They threw a keg full of whipcream!"
Whip cream comes in KEGS? What the hell, I've been missing out. A keg of whip cream would awesome. I could drown someone in a keg of whip cream. I WOULD drown someone in a keg of whip cream. Then I would laugh, because someone just drowned in whip cream. I'd still be laughing as I watched the headline on CNN from my jail cell. Because you know they'd use some headline lead in like "It was a Sundae his family would never forget.".
Mythical Things
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "<mumble gibber>"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "Grass, like that stuff outside!"
Truly? You say this "grass" is in some sort of realm known as "outside"? I've never seen "outside" myself you know, I've only read about it in books and fairy tales. They say there are many, many things outside. How will I know which one this "grass" is? Where is it? What colour is it? Does it taste like chocolate? Come now! You've already given me a precious glimpse into the vast knowledge of you sun dwellers. But I must know more if I am to find this fabled "grass" you speak of!
Not Quite So Mythical Things
Me: "How do you spell that?
SC: "V….v as in like victory."
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "as in like vase."
One example will suffice thanks. Believe it or not I do know what the letter V is. It's common knowledge after all. Its not some confounding, mysterious thing like, say, "grass".
There Is Only
SC: : "Can you tell them I won't be in today for 8am?"
Me: "Ok, what's your name?"
SC: "Dana Mcdonald"
Me: "and you said 8am?"
SC: "Wendy."
…right…lets send Wendy back to Neverland for a moment and bring Dana back out. I still need to speak with her for a moment. After that Wendy or Zuul or whomever can come back out for a rousing game of Connect Four with yourself or whatever it is you do when you're not bothering me.
Ulterior Motives
Me: "Ok, and your postal code?"
SC: "xxx-"
Me: "-xxx?"
SC: "You're not going to use my information for anything else are you!?"
Aside from using it in Google Earth to watch you while you sleep, no, not a thing.
Violating the Geneva Convention
( I'm paraphrasing, it actually took exactly 1 minute and 58 seconds to convince this guy. )
Me: "Good evening, Gravekeeper speaking, how may I help you?
SC: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi."
SC: "Are you Peter?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Hi, Peter."
Me: "No-"
SC: "There's this house on blah blah I was wondering if I could see the house at blah blah time-"
Me: "Who exactly are you looking for?"
( The office has 3 Peters... )
SC: "Pardon?"
Me: "Which agent are you looking for?
SC: "Do you speak Mandarin, Peter?"
Me: "….no. Which real estate agent are you looking for?"
SC: "The address is on blah blah-"
Me: "I'm the answering service for the office, who were you looking for?"
SC: "Could I see it around blah blah?"
Me: "I can't schedule any showings for you."
SC: "Oh."
Me: "You'll have to call in the morning, the office is closed right now."
SC: "So later during the day?"
Me: "Yes, call-"
SC: "I can see it later during the day?"
Me: "No, you'll have to call during the day to schedu-"
SC: "Ok, I want to see-"
Me: "I'm not Peter and the office is closed!"
SC: "Oh, you're not Peter?"
Me: "No."
SC: "Oh, ok."
<sob> I'm not Peter! I don't know any Peter! Jeebus Christ, just let me go! Trust me, you won't get much for a ransom for me. Maybe some Cheezits and if you're really lucky a few left over slices of room temperature pizza from the break room that have been sitting out since yesterday afternoon. I'd say thats about all the office would be willing to pony up.
Eleventy
1. Caller called to complain that the resident manager stuck a sticker on his car threatening to tow it. He cannot get a hold of said manager. Caller wishes to speak with someone regarding this RIGHT THE HELL NOW!@#!$!!111ELEVENTY.
2. Caller is informed we're the emergency line and that is not an emergency and we cannot call the property manager ( Not the res manager, we don't deal with them. Emergencies = Property manager. )
3. Caller restates desire to speak with someone ( !!$#!ELEVENTY )
4. Caller is informed this issue is NOT an emergency but I'll be happy to file a message for the office to look into this for him in the morning.
5. Caller one again restates desire to speak with someone ( $#@elventyboogalu ). Caller threatens to call me back "Every 5 minutes" until I comply.
6. Caller is politely told no, not yours.
7. Caller threatens to call police and have them call me if that is it takes.
8. Caller is informed he may do that if he wishes, but no, not yours.
9. Caller threatens to call police and have me arrested for not helping him.
10. Caller is once again informed no, not yours.
11. Caller demands my name/id, etc so that he may identify me to the police and have me arrested.
( At this point on the call recording you can actually HEAR my coworker in the background APPLAUD and begin laughing. )
12. Caller is informed he can do what he must.
13. Caller hangs up, presumably to go the police to have me arrested. Caller never calls back because I assume the police dispatch officer laughed in his face.
Eleventy: The Sequel
1. Machine did not print receipt for caller. Caller becomes confused and scared, calls us.
2. Caller is informed by operator that machine is out of paper but his payment is just fine.
3. Caller has small, spiny, squirming animal up his rectum. Verbally elaborates for several minutes to operator till ultimately demanding supervisor.
4. Operator transfers him to supervisor. ( Moi ).
5. Caller is offered *every possible recourse that I have* to assist him. Even though he does not actually have a problem ( Its only out of paper, his payment is fine. ).
6. HEDGEHOG. MACARENA. ANUS. IN.
7. Supervisor is baffled at this irrationality. But none the less informs rodent anus caller that if its so incredibly dire he may call head office when they open in half an hour and they can confirm the payment was transmitted. ( It is currently 6:30am, I can only do tier 1 and open cases for tier 2. No tier 2 till 7am. )
8. WTF WAIT!?%$% MUST NOW HAVE.
9. Caller is advised this is physically impossible.
10. Caller demands MY supervisor.
11. Caller is informed I am the highest ranking officer onboard.
12. Caller demands boss of company.
13. Caller is informed this is physically impossible. It is 6:30am. No one else is here but moi.
14. Caller demands the head of my division.
15. See statement 13.
16. Caller throws incredible shitfit about how he is a customer and thus we must comply to his every wishes because he is a CUSTOMER. Caller insists that the amount of money he inserted ( $80 ) is a huge sum of cash and it is completely unacceptable there is no receipt for it. ( Remember, no paper. Its physically impossible )
17. Represents all possible options even though he does not actually require any of them.
18. Caller restates the "Customer" arguement. Caller insists we have made a profit off of him of $22 ( Psst, our service fee is $2.50, try again you festering rectal polyp. ). Thus he apparently gains CEO status over us or some such.
19. See statement 17.
20. Caller frothingly demands my name, etc etc and threatens to destroy my career. Hangs up.
21. Supervisor quietly hopes caller is rectally violated by a sea lion within the next 24 hours. ( Bite the pillow kid, its going in dry. )
I Never Knew I Had Such Talent
SC: "Hi, I'm from US Airways/America West in Las Vegas and I'm helping some passengers here that don't speak English very well get a room."
Me: "Ok, I can put them at the <Hotel> for $59"
SC: "Alright, one moment. <To the background> Ok they can put you at <Hotel> Suites for $59 dollars."
Wow, if that’s how high the bar is set then I'm god damn bilingual. Hell, trilingual even! Holy mango fizzbats, I am awesome.
Woah.
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "Oh sorry, I thought this was the clock thing."
The…clock thing…? Ok now I'm curious. Can you give me the number to the clock thing? I too want to experience this chronological marvel with you. What does it do precisely? Does it hurdle you back through time? Its not the number to a phone booth is it? Because that would be like woah, dude.
( I'm gonna try and snag the Peter call audio. When we played it back my response was amusingly, how should I say? No nonsense? At the end.. >< )
Day One and Two complete.
Gravekeeper, if you're ever looking for a sugar-mama, please keep me in mind, K?
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