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That damn Lottery joke...and other nonsense
Old 03-11-2018, 06:07 PM
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CrazedClerkthe2nd CrazedClerkthe2nd is offline
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Default That damn Lottery joke...and other nonsense

Hey folks! I haven't had many new stories in awhile because a lot of what I deal with is just variations of other stories I've posted in the past, but here's a batch for you fresh from Call Center hell:

The amazing (almost) dying customer

This lady was obviously trying to play the pity card to get a free phone and some credits but the funny part was...she wasn't very good at it. She'd name some medical condition or limitation she had and, when that failed to sway me, she would just keep adding them on. By the end of the call she had, by my admittedly hasty count:

Crohn's Disease
A missing finger
Was wheelchair bound
A head injury
A broken arm.

And no free phone or credits.

Not, not the Lottery joke, PLEASE!

Maybe you already know this one. It's basically the Call center equivalent of "It must be free!" In retail.

Basically, I am required by my company to say, at the end of every call: "Is there anything I can else I can help you with today?"

Naturally every wannabe comedian on my line responds by saying: "Yeah, can you give me the winning lottery numbers?"

Ha ha ha....you are SO funny bro.

I usually get this maybe once or twice a week which is annoying but tolerable. Last week I got it FOUR times in ONE DAY! (Urge to kill rising...).

What makes this joke particularly horrible is that, if by some twist of fate I actually I had those numbers, I would NOT be working here!

Today on "Morons who don't understand the Law..."

Ah, got to love domestic disputes. Got a guy on the phone upset because his phone has been shut off. Not because of non payment or anything but because roughly 20 minutes ago the account holder (his wife) had suspended his line. I'm reasonably confident she busted him cheating or some such but for now that's beside the point.

Credit to the wife here, because not only did she cut his phone off she also had the good sense to change her account PIN and poor hubby doesn't have the new code. Usually at this point the customer recognizes I can't do anything here, cusses out whoever has suspended them and hangs up.

Not this guy.

Because HE states that HE is respsonsible for the account and HE pays the bill that I am obligated to turn his phone back on at his demand.

BZZT! Oh too bad, but thanks for coming out. We'd send you a copy of our home game but we can't verify where you live so...

Eventually the guy threatens to SUE my company if we don't turn his phone back on immediately. Yes, he thinks he can sue us for NOT breaking the law, what a concept!

After telling him he's welcome to try but I am still not making any changes on the account, he hung up.

Bad Boy, Bad boy, whatcha gonna do?

Apparently ignore everything we tell you.

Anyone who has done this kind of work before knows customers can be bad, really bad. As it happens <Red Checkmark> has a special department that steps in to deal with particularly abusive customers. Basically, the abusive customer is required to deal ONLY with this one department and if they continue to be abusive, they are eventually "Fired".

I've run into accounts before that are being handled by the department in question, but this one is different because this one has a specific note on it that the customer in question has been directed he must handle all future business with <Red Checkmark> IN WRITING ONLY.

Think for a moment how AWFUL a customer has to be to get nailed with something like THIS.

One the one hand, this is kind of cool from my perspective because, I get to hang up on him every time he calls in (after reiterating the above) and yes, he still hasn't given up calling in. One time, I got to hang up on him three times in the same day because my reps kept getting him on their line.

On the other hand, if you're wondering why this guy hasn't been "Fired" yet, join the club. I've been doing my best to get him kicked to the curb but so far the hammer hasn't dropped yet. Hopefully soon. VERY soon.

From 0 to Bitch in no time flat

Me: Thank you for calling <Red Checkmark>, how can I help you today?
SC: The time is wrong on my phone.
Me: Oh okay, well I can certainly take care of that for you. Who am I speaking with?
SC: Jane Doe.
Me: Great. Let me pull up your account here. How are you doing today Jane?
SC: Just fix the time on my phone please.
Me: Not a problem. Can you go to your phone settings for me please?
SC: No, I don't have time for that. Just fix it.
Me: Okay, there's another way I can correct the time. Can you verify your account PIN for me?

I'm just going to hope she was off her meds on this day. Yeah, we'll go with that.

International Incident

For those of you are who are unaware, <Red Checkmark> offers wifi calling. Basically you can use a wifi network to make calls and send messages. The billing of those calls works EXACTLY the same as a standard voice call.

This guy could NOT understand that.

Going back to late 2016 he was somehow convinced that he had been told by MULTIPLE reps that he could use the wifi calling feature to get FREE international calling.

But wait! This gets even better. He also claims he was told by these same mysterious reps he could use wifi calling while out of country and get FREE international ROAMING!

I'm going to defer to a well known meme here and just go with: That's not how any of this works.

You CAN call international and you CAN use wifi calling most anywhere in the world you can connect to a wifi BUT...you still got to pay for it dude. You really think <Red Checkmark> is going to give you FREE international calling just like that? (Sidenote for those who don't know a lot about the wireless business: We make BIG money on international calling).

He's already received over $400 in credits for international calls over the past year. That's...not gonna happen anymore.

So after telling the guy for the umpteenth time that he has to pay for international he gets angry with me says he's going to cancel and go to Death Star Wireless. Good luck trying to get THEM to give you free international.

I really need to find a better job.
"If we refund your money, give you a free replacement and shoot the manager, then will you be happy?" - sign seen in a restaurant

Old 03-11-2018, 08:54 PM
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It's me It's me is offline
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For the lottery number question: Have you tried offering the address for the lottery website?
There's no such thing as a stupid question... just stupid people.

Old 03-11-2018, 09:32 PM
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evilhomer evilhomer is offline
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It's kind of like any time I'm moving a TV and I get that hilarious "Can you deliver that to me?" Ha Ha! Even funnier the 10,000th time I've heard it. Yeah buddy, if I was going to steal it, it would be going to my car ok.

Thanks for the post, it was hilarious
Quoth = Crossbow "EvilHomer, Irv, Gravekeeper, and Seraph: the Four Horsemen of the Dumbpocalypse."

Old 03-12-2018, 01:38 AM
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notalwaysright notalwaysright is offline
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Omg, the fabric store equivalent in response to me asking how much fabric they'd like was "I'll have a meter. Oh, a yard! I guess you know where I'm from, HA HA." Yes, you're from the North, the same as like 50% of the customers in here, it's not funny, it's not original, it's not even a JOKE.

And the time lady, she probably could have fixed her problem herself in less time than waiting on hold to yell at a random rep for not pushing an imaginary "fix it" button. Also, in all the years that I've had a cell phone, I don't think I've ever had a problem with it keeping time.
Replace anger management with stupidity management.

Old 03-12-2018, 04:02 AM
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Quoth notalwaysright View Post
And the time lady, she probably could have fixed her problem herself in less time than waiting on hold to yell at a random rep for not pushing an imaginary "fix it" button. Also, in all the years that I've had a cell phone, I don't think I've ever had a problem with it keeping time.
She could very well have been screwing around and set it to a different time zone. No doubt it was an easy fix, but since this is SC world, since CC2 couldn't (wouldn't) just push a magic button at his desk, she got pissy.
Quoth = Crossbow "EvilHomer, Irv, Gravekeeper, and Seraph: the Four Horsemen of the Dumbpocalypse."

Old 03-12-2018, 11:24 AM
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I think the "I'm gonna sue!" thing is funny. I wonder how many of them know they're not the first ones to use that "threat". Or they're told by somebody somewhere that "it works".

You know. "Threaten to sue them! They'll give you what you want, then, because they don't want to be sued."

I know most (all?) of them don't but I have to wonder if any of them actually do call lawyers, and the lawyers tell them, "Sorry, that's the law..."
Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

Old 03-12-2018, 01:11 PM
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telecom_goddess telecom_goddess is offline
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Working in credit cards, what I always get at the end when I ask if there is anything else, "you can give me some money!" or "You can pay the rest of my bill for me" ...yeah very old and not original.
Great YouTube channel check it out!

Old 03-12-2018, 06:57 PM
Shyla Shyla is offline
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I think you should give them their lottery number: 666.

Old 03-13-2018, 04:29 AM
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Mr Hero Mr Hero is offline
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Here at the hotel, whenever I explain about our pet policy, the guest would make some joke about the person they are with needs to go sleep in the car.
To right the countless wrongs of our days... We shine this light of true redemption, that this place may become as paradise...Oh, what a wonderful world such would be...

Old 03-13-2018, 04:36 AM
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Me: Can I help you find anything?
SC: A million dollars.
Me: Will Turkish Lira be acceptable?
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