Tweet
So, I've been going through a bit of a depressive state at the moment, and thought I should get it out, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. Anyway, here goes, most of my tale is medical fact and the other is pure speculation made from what I do know now and deduction, any speculation I'll bold.
When I was born, one leg was shorter than the other, at some point, my aunt noticed it and pointed it out to my mum, while i was still a baby, she spoke to the doctors and nurses about it, but nothing came of it.
Cut to 12 years later, Mid afternoon in music class, onthe second to last day of the second to last year, I'm sat on my stool (one of these http://www.apmg.co.uk/images/school/stools-01.jpg) I move slightly, and OMGPAIN, so bad I had to be sent home and was for that day bent at a slight angle. Go see the docs about it, get no help from there (He actually had the audacity to say out loud that i was making it up because i was being bullied, I was being bullied but believe me, I wasnt making it up) Go for X rays, nothing, they say they can't find anything and so they can't do anything.
Cut to the next year in school, still in pain from my back, so my going out after school has stopped, though i still tried participating in sports in school, OH joy, I get a new problem, my hips start to dislocate, mostly my right one, so, I start treatment for that (honestly, I don't know what the treatment was, all they did was lay me on a bed next to a machine with my offending hip joint facing the machine) I need treatment on it every week for a couple of months, it got better, sort of, but then my other hip joint started to play up, so, the nurse i saw every week decides this is wrong, so she starts poking around on my lower back and lo and behold, my tailbone is slanted. which then led to appointments about getting my back looked at.
Cutitng to the chase after years of xrays, MRI's and other stuff, turns out my spine curves sideways in two places, to a total of 15 degrees, Doctor assures me this is relatively normal (which I gotta disagree with, especially given that I'm in pain) Doctor then informs me that while there is a procedure that might help (spinal fusing) he feels that the risks of paralysing me, or worse, are so great he won't even dare try.
Anyway, the whole leg being shorter than the other thing was forgotten until one day when I thought my trousers on one side were a bit too long, I mention this to my mum, and then she remembers, so i go get checked out and lo and behold, it's 1cm shorter than the other, which is supposedly normal but seemingly is the reason for the whole messed up back and tailbone. (An assumption on my part but a reasonable one).
All thats the past, more recently I've now got an appointment soon to see about the possibility of my leg lengthened, its not a certainty, but i really hope i can.
Anyway, thats the backstory, onto the reason for my depression:
I suffer from great pain every single waking minute of every single day, since my back first went, let me put that more clearly, I haven't had a single minute free from pain, for 14 years, and it's just slowly crept up and got worse over the years, I have a pretty strong tolerance for pain (The amount of bones i've broken and not felt a thing, plus in college playfighting with a friend of mine, she used to dig her nails in so deep she drew blood and i didn't feel a thing, another example is that on the times I've accidentally scalded myself, I havent felt a damn thing) But, I'm reaching my limit, that in itself is getting me down, not to mention the fatigue, plus the added bonus of joint paint from being so inactive, which i can't help, since if i go out into town for like half an hour to pay my bills, thats me done for the day, usually limping (If I have to limp, it means the pain is REALLY bad, often reaching the point where its almost overriding the ability for me to you know, actually use my legs) Anyway, thats one reason why I'm feelng down (other than the fact that I'm inclined to get chemically depressed anyway) The next one is down below.
Then, there's the realisation of just how much my life was stolen, yes, stolen, by a condition caused by something that could have possibly been fixed on my at birth, before this hit, i was an active, outdoors kid, after it hit, i became a recluse. My teenage years and my early twenties, all that could have been, were taken away from me, I could have found someone, got married, had kids, gotten a good job that I liked (Yes i realise that even without my back being the way it is, it wouldnt have been a guarantee, but it'd have given me a chance) As it stands now, my entire life consists of sleeping, waking up, eating and drinking, with everything else i do, mostly on my computer, being nothing more than filler really to stop boredom sinking in until i go to sleep. Just so much of what could have been was stolen from me. I saw a girl on Ellen once, who needed an organ transplant to be able to function as a normal kid, and I cried, wishing that i could have given her my lungs, or at least one, so she'd not lose her kid years like i did.
Because of how i feel that my back is which, i believe personally that the pain is my spinal column grating against my vertabrae(*) That I won't have too much longer on this earth, if not because of it finally giving way, then because of the pain reaching a level beyond what I can bear which would result in my taking my own life. Honestly, one way or another, I don't feel like I'll reach 35. Though I know this as a certainty, I have absoloutely no fear about my own death, I won't quite be rushing into its open embrace, but I won't fear it either. Frankly, I feel that all I've gone through has heavily impacted my emotions, I'm so detached from all of my emotions, sometimes I feel like just an empty shell.
The operation I'm hoping for, won't fix things, but might stop them from getting worse, if i get it and it does stop it from getting worse, great, i can maybe start putting my life together by working around it, if not, i honestly don't know what I'll do.
So, thats my story over with, I don't know if it helped me, i really can't tell at the moment. Thanks for reading anyway.
When I was born, one leg was shorter than the other, at some point, my aunt noticed it and pointed it out to my mum, while i was still a baby, she spoke to the doctors and nurses about it, but nothing came of it.
Cut to 12 years later, Mid afternoon in music class, onthe second to last day of the second to last year, I'm sat on my stool (one of these http://www.apmg.co.uk/images/school/stools-01.jpg) I move slightly, and OMGPAIN, so bad I had to be sent home and was for that day bent at a slight angle. Go see the docs about it, get no help from there (He actually had the audacity to say out loud that i was making it up because i was being bullied, I was being bullied but believe me, I wasnt making it up) Go for X rays, nothing, they say they can't find anything and so they can't do anything.
Cut to the next year in school, still in pain from my back, so my going out after school has stopped, though i still tried participating in sports in school, OH joy, I get a new problem, my hips start to dislocate, mostly my right one, so, I start treatment for that (honestly, I don't know what the treatment was, all they did was lay me on a bed next to a machine with my offending hip joint facing the machine) I need treatment on it every week for a couple of months, it got better, sort of, but then my other hip joint started to play up, so, the nurse i saw every week decides this is wrong, so she starts poking around on my lower back and lo and behold, my tailbone is slanted. which then led to appointments about getting my back looked at.
Cutitng to the chase after years of xrays, MRI's and other stuff, turns out my spine curves sideways in two places, to a total of 15 degrees, Doctor assures me this is relatively normal (which I gotta disagree with, especially given that I'm in pain) Doctor then informs me that while there is a procedure that might help (spinal fusing) he feels that the risks of paralysing me, or worse, are so great he won't even dare try.
Anyway, the whole leg being shorter than the other thing was forgotten until one day when I thought my trousers on one side were a bit too long, I mention this to my mum, and then she remembers, so i go get checked out and lo and behold, it's 1cm shorter than the other, which is supposedly normal but seemingly is the reason for the whole messed up back and tailbone. (An assumption on my part but a reasonable one).
All thats the past, more recently I've now got an appointment soon to see about the possibility of my leg lengthened, its not a certainty, but i really hope i can.
Anyway, thats the backstory, onto the reason for my depression:
I suffer from great pain every single waking minute of every single day, since my back first went, let me put that more clearly, I haven't had a single minute free from pain, for 14 years, and it's just slowly crept up and got worse over the years, I have a pretty strong tolerance for pain (The amount of bones i've broken and not felt a thing, plus in college playfighting with a friend of mine, she used to dig her nails in so deep she drew blood and i didn't feel a thing, another example is that on the times I've accidentally scalded myself, I havent felt a damn thing) But, I'm reaching my limit, that in itself is getting me down, not to mention the fatigue, plus the added bonus of joint paint from being so inactive, which i can't help, since if i go out into town for like half an hour to pay my bills, thats me done for the day, usually limping (If I have to limp, it means the pain is REALLY bad, often reaching the point where its almost overriding the ability for me to you know, actually use my legs) Anyway, thats one reason why I'm feelng down (other than the fact that I'm inclined to get chemically depressed anyway) The next one is down below.
Then, there's the realisation of just how much my life was stolen, yes, stolen, by a condition caused by something that could have possibly been fixed on my at birth, before this hit, i was an active, outdoors kid, after it hit, i became a recluse. My teenage years and my early twenties, all that could have been, were taken away from me, I could have found someone, got married, had kids, gotten a good job that I liked (Yes i realise that even without my back being the way it is, it wouldnt have been a guarantee, but it'd have given me a chance) As it stands now, my entire life consists of sleeping, waking up, eating and drinking, with everything else i do, mostly on my computer, being nothing more than filler really to stop boredom sinking in until i go to sleep. Just so much of what could have been was stolen from me. I saw a girl on Ellen once, who needed an organ transplant to be able to function as a normal kid, and I cried, wishing that i could have given her my lungs, or at least one, so she'd not lose her kid years like i did.
Because of how i feel that my back is which, i believe personally that the pain is my spinal column grating against my vertabrae(*) That I won't have too much longer on this earth, if not because of it finally giving way, then because of the pain reaching a level beyond what I can bear which would result in my taking my own life. Honestly, one way or another, I don't feel like I'll reach 35. Though I know this as a certainty, I have absoloutely no fear about my own death, I won't quite be rushing into its open embrace, but I won't fear it either. Frankly, I feel that all I've gone through has heavily impacted my emotions, I'm so detached from all of my emotions, sometimes I feel like just an empty shell.
The operation I'm hoping for, won't fix things, but might stop them from getting worse, if i get it and it does stop it from getting worse, great, i can maybe start putting my life together by working around it, if not, i honestly don't know what I'll do.
So, thats my story over with, I don't know if it helped me, i really can't tell at the moment. Thanks for reading anyway.
.
Comment