Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Alephcat]

249: Put collegues "on hold"
250: Especially not to Rammstein
251: read this list at work

[Becks]

I'm not allowed to roast/toast marshmallows in the back room...especially with my lighter.

[ta2ooed1]

Not allowed to let nipples or piercings show through my shirts even when it does feel like a meat locker in the office!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I may no longer blurt out in the breakroom "Either somebody farted or someone's cooking broccoli." (I hates broccoli).

Nor am I allowed to tell my annoying, lazy co-worker to follow me around fanning me with sheets of paper when he asks me for something to do.

[Spiffy McMoron]

Not allowed to let nipples or piercings show through my shirts even when it does feel like a meat locker in the office!

Keep that up at my place of employment, and it would turn from a meat locker to a meat market...

-Can't throw things at mechanics.
-Can't throw things at salesmen.
-Can't give out price quotes for "vehicles that don't suck" (I'm looking at you, 1988 Dodge Lancer!)
-Still can't throw things at salesmen. (dammit...)

[latenightchild]

-Call corperate and say "For the love of god turn on the heat on store 83! We cant take it anymore!"
-Watch the store across the streen burn to the ground and scream, "You missed!"
-Stand up and scream "Yes!" at the top of my lungs when the elsectrisity goes out

[TopSpot1313]

153. Wearing stickers that say "As Advertised", "Take Me Home, I'm Delicious", etc. isn't part of the image we want to show customers

We had these great stickers that were in the Butcher Block that we used to tell the new hires they had to wear on their name tags for their first week. They said, "I'M NEW...TAKE ME HOME AND TRY ME" in flourescent orange. I think this one is perfectly acceptable! Love your list. I would have threatened to fire your ass repeatedly, but would have been laughing right next to you.

[Becks]

And yet, oddly enough, no one said anything to the Double D Farms sticker I wore.

Actually, the owner doesn't actually look AT me. He looks above and to the side. Loser.

He notices the stickers on other people's uniforms, though.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• Must never again sing Monty Python's "Lumberjack song" whenever I see the Lawn and Garden specialist bundled up in a sweatshirt and a flannel shirt over it.
• Even though it is funny as hell
• And cracked up a couple people in the break room who were familiar with said Lumberjack Song.

[ArenaBoy]

When I witness a couple arguing I am not to sing Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart. Loudly. In direct earshot of said couple.

When asked why you can't handle a customer, the excuse "Because I hate stupid people?" is not valid.

[Professional Serf]

~Knock on customers heads and ask if anyone is home.

~Throw lit matches at the women who bathe in cheap perfume to see if they'll ignite.

~Hand out deodorant and douche bags...if not toilet paper with instructions...to the hygienically challenged.

~Dress up like a fly and buzz around said ^ people. Then again, I'd be one busy fly!

~Hand out condoms to "people" who really should NOT procreate!

[Delphae]

Suddenly yell WAKE UP when it is dead quiet in the store.

[Tithera]

41)Am not allowed to draw comics about being a waitress.

42)Especially when it makes fun of the manager.

43)Am not allowed to comment on a fellow waitress's ass when accidently running into it behind the counter.

44)No matter how saucy I'm feeling

45)Singing My Chemical Romance's "Teenagers" at the top of your lungs is a major no-no.("B/c the drugs never work....They're gonna rip off your heads....All teenagers scare the living shit out me!"etc)

46) Even if it's just you and the cook at 7 in the morning.

47)And she's singing along with you.

48)NOt allowed to touch the coffee machine while it is working

49) Because the cook won't give a shit when you scream in pain.

50)nOr am I allowed to shout "satan is within this machine!" when said machine burns me.

51) the oven is not a good place to sleep

52) Even if it is warm and smells of fresh baked bread.

53)am not allowed to pop my head in on my day off and point and laugh at co-workers

54)Even if everyone is doing it.

55)I don't care if the fans run slow, you are not to call them retarded

56)call them "rotationally chalenged"

57)am not to mess with the desserts list

58)Especially when apple pie is served

59)I don't care if it's funny as hell, leave the sign alone!

60)'Seat yourself' does not mean "sit down and shut up, cause your gonna deal with the table you got"

61)When a big table arrives, do look out kitchen window and shout, "the herds returned!"

62)Even if everyone involved finds it funny

[Mr. Rude]

65: Other peoples open e-mail accounts are not toys.

Got busted for that today...Apparently, young college students that are applying for jobs as "network security" types get kind of whiny when you send out spam e-mails about them loving cheese....

Through there open e-mail accounts...

That they leave open...

Days after they work their one shift a week...

Over & over again.

Hmmm...Network secure yet?

PS: It was a joke... No ill will at all, but holy dogs**t!! Don't be a whiny bitch about leaving your e-mail client open to potential EMPLOYERS that you're trying to impress about your security skills. If you're so good at your job...LOG OUT


PPS: I didn't know who was on the list anyways...I just hit "select all" for contacts.

I think this will be filed under "Lessons learned".

#316 Coworkers e-mail account are not toys...Even if they're stupid enough to leave them open over & over & over & over again.



You'd figure I'd have learned by now too.....DOH!!

[auntiem]

Adult toy store:
- not allowed to read Crime and Punishment at the counter - it confuses the customers
- not allowed to blackmail Professors for a better grade based on instore purchases
- not allowed to kiss my boyfriend in the store or parking lot
- not allowed to have visible hickeys
- not allowed to use real name
- not allowed to use Empress of the Galaxy as my replacement name

Process Camera Op/Press Assistant
- not allowed to tell a customer their ink choice "looks like baby poo"
- not allowed to make up beer/drink names while pasting up a menu
- not allowed to use the drill press for anything but paper
- not allowed to say the ABDick was forged by a minion in Hell
- even if it is true
- not allowed to laugh in a customer's face when they bring in their job
- not allowed to hang the "burning plates" sign on the door and take a nap when hungover

Nursing Home:
- not allowed to tell a coma patient they are having blueberry pancakes for breakfast while hanging their food bag
- not allowed to let my patient believe it is Christmas (she thought it was Christmas every day - I only corrected her if she was having a bad day )

House Manager (live/movie):
- not allowed to hang the poster for Clerks in the ice machine room
- even if it boosts morale
- not allowed to offer opinions on how the tour manager got her job
- even if the band agrees with me
- not allowed to offer the opinion that a certain performer’s girlfriend is a total b*tch
- until she is out of the lobby
- not allowed to scalp house tickets
- not allowed to “make the customer dance” for a 50 cent discount on their movie ticket
- not allowed to let the ushers assist in the judging
- not allowed to curse at the old house manager on the lobby payphone when he calls to say “you’re working Warren Miller and I’m not, neaner neaner”
- even if he does it every year
- not allowed to reveal to fans that the guys in that Christian band are total sluts judging by the talk backstage
- not allowed to convince the projectionist to splice the movie reels together out of order
- even if it does make the movie better
- not allowed to call the actor playing Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar by his real name
- not allowed to have the ushers act out Jurassic Park when the movie breaks
- not allowed to bribe the projectionist into breaking Jurassic Park on the sixth week of showings
- not allowed to take bribes from little old ladies to get backstage to see the Elvis impersonator
- not allowed to let the ushers “keep what they confiscate” at concerts
- not allowed to take bribes from ushers to work the balcony at those concerts
- not allowed to bribe ushers with the promise of many beers for working dance recitals
- even though they will really need them