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Old 03-31-2008, 08:31 PM
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Saydrah Saydrah is offline
Store Manager
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 629
Default Dear....

This has probably been done here before, but it's currently going on another forum and has been really interesting. Basically, you write an open letter to anyone. I'll start.

Dear Cousin V,

Stop being so perfect! As if it's not enough that you're a beautiful twin, you run marathons, and are a concert violist, you go and join the Peace Corps? Stop it! I demand that you go drink yourself into a stupor and shoot a rifle at your own porch, or take up crocheting hats for earwigs. There must be SOMETHING about you that isn't perfect... right?

(Just kidding, really I am so proud of you and love that you are doing good in the world. But you ARE way too perfect.)

-Your Imperfect Cousin
My basic dog food advice - send a pm if you need more.

Saydrah's leaving the nest advice + packing list live here.
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Old 04-01-2008, 04:10 AM
JuniorMintz's Avatar
JuniorMintz JuniorMintz is offline
Optical Prime
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: CA
Posts: 342

Dear Attention Whores of the World-

PLEASE, just STFU already, you pathetic slags. Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Reading through and listening to all your made up bullshit is exhausting. You aren't fooling anyone-anyone with half a functioning brain, anyway.

I'm over it. You'll get no sympathy from me, so save your breath and keep that shit to yourself. For the love of GOD, keep it to yourself!

Love always,


PS I mean it. You really ARE that pathetic. Bitches...
"This is the first time I've seen you look ugly, and that makes me happy!"
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Old 04-01-2008, 04:42 PM
protege's Avatar
protege protege is offline
Super Moderator
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 6,134


Idiots on my street. Learn how to fucking drive, OK? Last time I checked, it was *not* a superhighway. Speed limit is only 25mph, so I don't know where you all got the idea it was 90. We have too many little kids around, along with the dog-walkers, old people, not to mention myself (usually with the beat-up '59 Radio-Flyer wagon) on the street at various times. None of us wants to get hit by a car, nor do we want to scrape your ass off the road after you hit *our* cars, or end up on our property? You wonder why I have that ugly stone lion on the corner, plus the pile of rocks? Yep, to keep you idiots out of my yard!

This includes *you* who drop your kids off at the school, and then lay rubber out of there. While we're talking about the school...park in their lot, OK? I really hate to come home from work, and *not* be able to get down the street because you idiots can't park for shit! One side of the street is bad enough, but *both* sides? Also, if you're going to do that, don't be surprised if someone's had your car towed, or decided to vandalize it. People get upset if you're in their driveway, or *blocking* said driveway. I don't mess with your cars, but I will *not* hesitate to call the cops and tow your ass!

Further, let's not even think about the effects of a speeding vehicle on ice. Yes, we get snow here in PA. Yes, the street does get slick. Does that stop you idiots from suddenly going around the corner sideways...even with the aforementioned other vehicles and street users? I'm just waiting to wake up one morning to find a car sitting in my yard, or against the trees across the street. I'm sure my neighbor will be delighted to see that you've just totaled his brand new truck...

Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines. --Enzo Ferrari
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Old 04-01-2008, 09:23 PM
Jester's Avatar
Jester Jester is offline
High Priest to Grog-Boozith
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: 24° 33' 19" N / 81° 46' 58" W. This is Paradise.
Posts: 6,184

Quoth Slytovhand View Post
Dear Jester,


I thought it was obvious. I despise my middle name, and want it to go away. Preferably far away. Say, Madagascar. Or Pluto. It's one of only two things I have never forgiven my mother for. The other one being lima beans.

"The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
Still A Customer."

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Old 04-01-2008, 09:44 PM
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Alfie Alfie is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 82

Dear my partner's parents,
Yes, I swear. I enjoy swearing. I do choose to ensure I do not swear around you, however. I do not swear around my family either. I do not swear around children. (Other than accidentally saying "poobumhead" near my niece once, but she giggled so it's ok).

Telling me that "I should just know why swearing is wrong" is not a basis of debate.

Just because I swear around my friends, and around your son does not make me a bully. I do not "itimidate" people by swearing. I do not swear AT people, I swear in my general language use. How is it that someone who swears is automatically a bully? It makes no sense, and is a massive generalisation. And where do you get off trying to tell me that I'm a bully? Obviously you have used the past 4 and a half years you have known me to completely ignore who I am.

It also does not mean that my vocabulary is such that I can not think of any other words to use instead of curse words. It's just that swearing sometimes has a better impact that other words which it could be replaced with, such as Fuck you! as opposed to Sod off! It enhances my vocabulary.

Nor does it mean that I should be ashamed of myself because my partner swears around me. It does not mean that he doesn't respect me, it means that I don't find it a big deal. It should not reflect badly on me, take some freaking responsibility for how you raised YOUR son. How is anything that your son does my fault? It seems that you have washed your hands of him, and have now made me his guardian. Maybe it's so that you have less effort to put in as a parent, not that I have seen you do any fucking parenting EVER unless it was while sitting on your couch while watching your constant stream of shitty tv shows.

Your pissed off future daughter in law who wishes you'd get a life or a brain,
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Old 04-01-2008, 09:47 PM
draggar's Avatar
draggar draggar is offline
þórr mjǫlnir
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Wolfeboro, NH
Posts: 1,592

Dear Garbage men,

Quote Dalesys:
... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"
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Old 04-01-2008, 09:50 PM
Jester's Avatar
Jester Jester is offline
High Priest to Grog-Boozith
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: 24° 33' 19" N / 81° 46' 58" W. This is Paradise.
Posts: 6,184

Dear tourists:

The gas pedal is the one on the RIGHT. I know the speed limits are slow down here, but they AREN'T 10 mph! Oh, you want to check out the sights? Fine. PARK THE FUCKING CAR AND WALK, OR CHECK OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. Some of us need to get where we're going before we're eligible for retirement!

Yeah. Thanks.

Late Jester.

Dear Jester,

You know, you would stress out a lot less for these cookoffs you participate in if you would just stop procrastinating and get stuff done earlier in the day. ESPECIALLY when you are making something you have never made before. Asshole.

Annoyed Jester.

"The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
Still A Customer."

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Old 04-01-2008, 10:10 PM
MystyGlyttyr's Avatar
MystyGlyttyr MystyGlyttyr is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,039

Dear friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend...

Someday, we need to pick a position and stick with it.

"Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."
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My Open Letters
Old 04-01-2008, 11:26 PM
tropicsgoddess's Avatar
tropicsgoddess tropicsgoddess is offline
Chairman of the Board
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,533
Angry My Open Letters

Dear Head Hunters,

You all are of great annoyance and frustration to me. I hate that you don't call when you say you will to tell me if I get to come in for another interview or if I got the job. How unprofessional and discourteous of you. What pisses me off is how you want to pigeon-hole people like me into the same type of work despite my qualifications. Worse is how extremely high of standards you all have for a grunt job with crappy pay. Get over yourselves. Not even a recent college grad would go for that, unless they were really really desperate. The worst part of all is how you like to post up these ads for seemingly great jobs that are nothing but either commission only sales bullshit or overly-glorified crappy jobs. I am not job hunting for fun, stop wasting my time, you asshats.



Dear S,

I hope that you finally got it in your pecan-sized brain that I don't want you speaking to me anymore in any way shape or form. I have been telling you so many fucking times that it's disrespectful that you keep attempting to do so when I am engaged and living with my fiancé. It's been 5 years since I dumped you and all the whining you've been doing about how I "hurt you emotionally" etc. needs to stop. Move on already! You're full of shit every time you've told me (more than once) that you're getting married , when A who is supposedly your homeboy spills the beans on how you keep getting dumped because you're a pathetic pansy. For somebody who is 3 1/2 years my senior you sure are petty and immature and I do not regret dumping your sorry ass at all. Please for the love of all things holy leave me the fuck alone and man up you fucking wuss.

I don't get paid enough to kiss your a**! -Groezig 5/31/08
Another day...another million braincells lost...-Sarlon 6/16/08
Chivalry is not dead. It's just direly underappreciated. -Samaliel 9/15/09
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Old 04-02-2008, 01:55 AM
RecoveringKinkoid's Avatar
RecoveringKinkoid RecoveringKinkoid is offline
Snake Handler
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 4,820

Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
Dear friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend...

Someday, we need to pick a position and stick with it.

Man, I wish I'd seen this before choosing the "not friend" option on a...well...a "not friend".

I mean, I still would have chosen "not friend", but it would have made a witty retort before I made the commitment.

Dear Guys with Buckets Collecting Money for an Alleged Charity At the Red Light,

Get your dumb ass the FUCK out of the road! I have enough to worry about without having to worry about some dicksmack that lacks the intellence to not play in traffic!

You knock on my window, you're gonna end up fitted with a hook. Get out of the road!


Last edited by RecoveringKinkoid; 04-02-2008 at 02:37 AM.
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