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  #1091  
Old 01-15-2019, 08:39 PM
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Kristev Kristev is offline
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Location: No longer on the streets and that's wonderful.
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Dear State of Georgia,

You have nothing to fear from Mr. Noid. We've found him and we've taken him back to the sanitarium. I found Dr. X. after Mr. Noid badly hurt him, but I saved him and he'll be back on the job in a week or two. As for Mr. Noid, his new doctor is the rugged and cruel Dr. Z, a body-builder and quite intimidating.

He has more cause to fear than you do. Just relax.

Signed,

Nurse Y.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Nothing But Class Theater,

I went to see Money Python's Scamalot the other day. The show, co-produced by Suzette Morning and In The Money Financial Advisors, is about mixing classic British literature with ways that businesses and conmen are out to rip you off - and how to protect yourself.

The audience laughed, except for me, at the entire show, and yet all throughout it, I noticed that they were picking up important tips. Even songs such as I Won't Stray, where Money Wassaved, Duchess of Cashwall, goes shopping with Queen Gimmiemore, teaching her to make a shopping list and never stray from it, no matter what the enticing bargains are. It was supposed to be a love song, not a protect your pocketbook song! I feel cheated!

And then it gets really, really bad in the second act. There, Money Wassaved teaches her son, Moregreen, to resist the lure of the seductive beauty Sales with her song But Do You Need It?, a song where she points out that just because it's an enticing bargain at a good price doesn't mean you should fall for it and buy it if it's not something you need in the long run.

Every verse in that song was a death blow to my business. I am a hard-working businessman who does my level best to get people to buy junk they just don't need! That's exactly why my company and profession is all about, creating needs and demand for junk that's quite worthless! I can't have some song in a play giving away my manipulative secrets! My backers won't give me any more work! I'll be ruined if the audience takes her advice!

So I pulled out my gun and tried to shoot the performers. But I missed and hit the chandelier, and wound up having it crash down right in front of me! I demand ten million dollars, the removal of the song, a re-write of the play to make it corporate-friendly and shopper-hostile, and free tickets to see the revised new show.

If you refuse, I will use every drop of my powers and my business to destroy Money Python's reputation, as well as your own.

After all, I am in the public relations business. I spread word faster than anything but bad ideas and rumors, which are also among my powers.

Signed,

Mr. A. D. Vertisement.
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  #1092  
Old 01-25-2019, 07:16 AM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Vertisement,

Enclosed is a bill for the damages you did to the theatre. Until it is paid in full, you are banned.

Sincerely,

P. Erfomer
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to suspend me. All I did was smoke a cigarette at my register because the rude front end manager wouldn't give me my break on time just because it was busy. I demand you reverse the suspension, allow me to smoke at my register all I want, and order the front end manager to give me my breaks on time even if it's really busy. If you don't, I will smoke in your office and then set it on fire.

Sincerely,

Anita Smoke
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  #1093  
Old 04-23-2019, 09:06 AM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Ms. Smoke,

Thanks to your threat, your suspension has been changed to fired. We will mail you your last paycheck since you are also banned from the store.

Sincerely,

C. L. Eanair
Manager



Dear Federal Court Judge,

Where do you get off sentencing me to 20 years in prison? Don't you realize that's a long time to be away from my family? I demand a master key to the prison and my own personal car so I can visit my family all I want. If you don't, I will not serve my sentence.

Sincerely,

Fam Lee Man
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  #1094  
Old 04-24-2019, 11:41 PM
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Kristev Kristev is offline
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Location: No longer on the streets and that's wonderful.
Posts: 3,796
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Dear Mr. Mann,

I sentenced you to 20 years in prison for each count, not just by itself. What you tried to do with your children shocks the conscience of the court. But because of your threats, I shall have you moved to Batmax prison. If you try to escape, well, don't try . . .

Signed,

Judge C. H. Eckmate.

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Dear Dance 'Till It Drops,

I went to your dance-based exercise business like I normally do, to do my fancy dancing weekly exercises. But what do I see? Among your new patrons is a fat woman, who looks absolutely disgusting! Did you see her clothes? The woman must have weighed 300 pounds!

I overheard one of your dance instructors asking her why she was coming in, she said she used to love to dance and needed to regain her confidence. She also said she'd just had a divorce from a husband who made her so depressed she gained a hundred pounds. "So now that I've lost the man, I want to lose the weight, too." And your dance instructor didn't send her away for her hideous looks or her blobs of extra skin! Oh no, he encouraged her! He worked with her on basic dance moves to work her in to getting into deeper and more physical dancing later on. Later on! She'll be back?

Well, I won't! Not if you let tubbies like her into this place. I demand that you ban the blob and any other people who weigh anything close to her! If you don't, not only am I cancelling my membership (and let's remember that I spend over a thousand dollars a month here, making me one of your most important shoppers), I'll get my friends to do the same!

And what's worse, I'll bring my nephew, an aspiring cameraman. He'll be glad to sent her allegedly working out to American's Most Disgusting Videos!

So send her out of here, or I'll expose the kind of filth you let in here to the world! This place used to be so classy. Now it's gone to the dogs! She looks so sickening, she should be locked up in a prison or something! They all should! Only thin people like me should be allowed into exercise dance studios!

Signed,

Miss Hay T. Fatsos.
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  #1095  
Old 07-08-2019, 08:34 PM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Miss Fatsos,

Feel free to cancel your membership. In fact, we'll take care of it since, unlike you, we don't judge people based on their weight.

Sincerely,

D. Ancer
Manger



Dear Pet Store Manager,

I was buying some food for my cat who is a senior cat. However, your rude employee refused to apply the senior discount to my order just because I'm not a senior citizen even though my cat is a senior. I demand you honor the senior discount for senior pets. If you don't, I will take my business to a pet store that will do so.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Seniorcat
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  #1096  
Old 07-13-2019, 12:11 AM
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XCashier XCashier is offline
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Dear Mrs. Seniorcat,

Your cat may be a senior, but he is not the one buying the food; you are. And since you are not a senior, you can not be given the senior discount. It's no different than buying groceries for your Grandma.

You are welcome to take your business anywhere you like, but I guarantee that nobody else offers a senior discount to young people who have elderly pets.

Sincerely,
Tom Katz, manager,
Fur & Feathers Pet Supply

* * * * *

Dear PoshSuites Hotel manager,

I can not believe what a rip off you guys are! I booked a week's stay at your place and decided to have a little fun. I ground food into the carpet, wrote all over the walls, even dropped a few #2s on the floor. Why not? I was on vacation, it's not my responsibility to clean up!

Well, I got my credit card statement today, and you overcharged me nearly a thousand dollars! You said it was due to cleaning, but I know you were just looking to rip me off. Thieving jerks!

Either refund my money and give me an additional $500,000 on top of it, or I'll be seeing you in court.

Sincerely,
Phil Thie-Slob

(Yes, I based that on KuariKaydrith's recent post. It was too appalling to pass up!)
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  #1097  
Old 07-14-2019, 10:23 PM
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Kristev Kristev is offline
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Dear Mr. Thie-Slob

You call us a rip off? After what you did to our room, we had to call the health department and close for a week! So 5,000,000 are due, from you, in addition to the rest of the charges. Every other person in our hotel had to be refunded for their stays due to the smell from your actions. We have put your name on a list of clientel whom we will never rent from again.

And as for thieving, you took our television off the wall. We'd want it back, but not after the mess you've left in our room, we'd rather just charge you for a new one. We'll see you in court, complete with your letter and our photographs, and the depositions from everyone who was sickened by your misbehavior and needed their money back so they could sleep in a clean hotel.


Sincerely,
Miss Lex Ury,
PoshSuites Hotel manager.

Dear Holiday Heaven Skiing School,

With your name, did you mean that you intended to send your students to Heaven? I went to your place to lean how to ski so I could spent the weekend with my friends up on the mountain. The problem is, I was having a wonderful time, right up until I ran into a tree. Just because I was trying to do a stunt down the hill to impress my friends that your instructor was too chicken to try and teach us, that doesn't mean I have to lose my balance, lose control, and smack into a tree! It's your instructor's fault. Now I demand my medical bills paid, a total refund of my tuition, and a full apology. And you'll have to make all my friends have crashes of their own so they'll stop laughing at me!

As I remember, while I was in the ambulance, the paramedics laughed when they heard what I'd been through. And when the medics told the doctor and the nurses, they laughed, too. I'm humiliated, and you're going to pay. If you don't, I also know a group of other students who bombed in their skiing holidays after they went to your school. We're all angry, and we'll all gladly introduce your school to some fire. It'll be dynamite!

Signed,

Mr. I Never-Listen.
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  #1098  
Old 09-22-2019, 08:02 PM
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Kit-Ginevra Kit-Ginevra is offline
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Dear Mr Never-Listen
Well you did impress your friends didn't you? They were all very tickled by your display from the sound of it.You could repay your medical bills by doing it as some sort of paid performance.
Enclosed is the bill for the repair and replacement of one pine tree which has been a much loved part of the ski resort for many years.
PPS As a result of your antics our chalet girl Sophie had such a fit of the giggles she has had to seek medical advice for a bout of hiccups that ensued.Be glad you are not being charged her medical bills too.

Yours sincerely, Mr E.Eagle Edwards(Ski Manager)
Holiday Heaven Ski School

‐‐----‐--------------------
Dear Kreative Kiddiez Kreche
I am outraged! Your name says you are creative and yet you have gone out of your way to remove all trace of creativity from your creche.l brought my son Willibald to join in the session of singing time. The songs sung were rather boring and unimaginative l felt so all l did was teach(or try to before l was removed) some more amusing words to them. Wilibald always prefers my versions and it seemed the other kids did too . Indeed as your own staff said when l was forced to leave 'Theyve been singing that version for over half an hour now.' Clearly they found it enjoyable and there was no reason at all for you to exclaim that 'l hope their damn parents dont hear them singing that'. Children need imagination. My Willibald's creative genius may have been stifled completely. I therefore insist you pay for the therapy needed for him to recover from the trauma of seeing his father not only having his talent for lyrical wit mocked but also the humiliating experience of being barred from the creche after just one session. Despite your efforts his genius still flowers...together we composed a most amusing verse about your staff!
Mr Oldman from Nantucket
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