Considering applying for disability

[Barracuda]

I guess I just needed to get this out, and the CS community seems pretty understanding about this sort of thing. I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes almost 2 years ago, and ever since then things have been very difficult. I have always suffered from mild to severe depression, but ever since the diabetes, it has gotten worse. I was working from home taking calls for an answering service over the internet at the time, and I started having panic attacks at work. I would feel trapped and got very emotional if customers would snap at me, which happened often, as I was supposed to lie about where I worked and say I worked at whatever office the client buying our services wanted me to. However, I am not a good liar, and customers would always try to trap me by asking questions I couldn't answer, like if I knew such and such at the office, or things only a local would know (this was nationwide.) I would start to freak out, and feel like I was suddenly seeing things through a long tunnel, and I would almost feel disassociated with my body and would go numb all over, like a fugue state. After these attacks, I would collapse and sleep for hours. I took FMLA time as a result, but it got to the point where I was barely working, and they fired me (despite it all being legally covered.) Since then, I have had a problem keeping the diabetes under control. I love food with carbs in it, and that is a major problem for a diabetic. I always vow to change but have a serious lack of motivation (I keep going through bouts of feeling it doesn't matter, that nothing matters.) I have been unemployed for almost a year now and things have not gotten better, although the attacks have stopped for the most part. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts lately at the prospect of being homeless, since I cannot pay for myself on unemployment and no friends or family can or will take me in. I spend much of my time alone, as every effort to reach out to others is ignored, rebuffed, or met with sympathy but no result from those who are too busy to help. The weekend before last, I posted on Facebook I was thinking of ending it, and got to experience being cuffed and dragged down to the local ER by the sheriff's department when a friend saw the post and freaked. Since then, I don't know what to do. I can't keep going like this, but I honestly don't know if I can hold a job--any job--like this. I am still experiencing problems up the wazoo and I KNOW the attacks will come back if I have to take another stressful job, and every job has some stress. Because of the diabetes, and the depression becoming worse as a result, I may qualify for SSDI. I hate to go on welfare (my family will NOT understand) and I have always felt anyone who can work should if at all possible. I guess I'm just very confused, mixed up, depressed and lonely at this point. I guess I'm hoping if I get on SSDI, I could take the freedom from constantly stressing over money to focus on getting better and taking care of myself. Maybe if I lose weight (I'm heavy) and get in the habit of working out and eating better I can change my situation in the future. I'm just so tired of people expecting every disability to be physically visible; no one ever seems to understand I can't just wish it better or work hard and snap out of it, any more than an amputee could regrow a limb by working hard. I don't know. I have mixed feelings, but I also feel I have little choice. Any thoughts?

[Der Cute]

You have so many rambling thoughts and goals in there you've got goal soup.
I hear: diabetic, depressed, unable to work, sadness, guilt, insecurity, stress via money, stress via health, frustration, confusion, high expectations and not achieving them.
Understand that when you've got a shit load of thoughts on your head, trying them all at once will just make it all fall apart anyways.
Ok.
Do you have a place to live right now and within the next 6 months?
Do you have food right now and possibly within the next 6 months?
Do you have clothing.
(notice this is the very basic necessities)
Do you have health care enough to control/work with the diabetes?
Ok. So you have those.
Now. What are your expenses (sit down and list them allllll out)
What are your sources of income (sit down and alllll out)
Are there anything you can drop today/tomorrow? Sell - coffee maker, other things in the house? Go start that and let it do it by itself.

Call 211 in your city, and start to ask about health care for diabetes, mental health (your panic attacks), and housing.
If/when you want to commit suicide, you call 911. Or the suicide hotline. (I can see though from when you're in that spot, you don't think rationally or logically, it's kind of zombie-ish [been there done that])
Apply on line for food stamps. So what. It's either stamps, food banks or groceries from friends. Who cares? Food is food.

So there, you've got a start on food, your health, housing questions. If those are answered in your head, can you settle down a little bit to start on the other stuff?

Who's expecting everything and it's brothers? Maybe other people want you to, and you want to please them. Or that you so want to be the best, you beat yourself up when you're not. I've had both. It Is Ok To Not Be God. There is nothing wrong with being 'disabled'; do understand it can be "temporary". People of all kinds and facets are enabled or disabled - you don't have to be obvious to be considered disabled.
There is nothing wrong asking for help. You can apply for disablity, be temporary disabled and get back on your feet - and then, get back to work. SSI/SSDI is a pain in the ass. I'm working on it myself, and it's not fast or easy or simple. You have to prove that you're unable - and that would mean getting psych evals, testings (med and mental) to do that. Is it possible that you can work with a doc on your weight/blood sugar first to iron out your moods/behavior/health?

Food. Shelter. Clothing. 211. Doctor/blood/diabetes. Drop the shame and get food. Start there.

[Barracuda]

I have found a sliding scale clinic, and I am getting in this Friday. As for food, I can afford that for now, until the unemployment runs out. My parents have said they'll help for a couple months, so that does give me time to file for SSDI, hopefully. I will keep looking for work at the same time just in case. Even if I do get SSDI, I would like to work part-time or at least volunteer some so I don't sit at home all day (volunteering, at least I don't feel trapped because there is no pressure to stay, I can leave any time I need to.) I've thought about what I'll do if I get SSDI--I would like to focus all my energy on getting better. I will use the time to kick myself into exercising, even if it takes months to get it going and keep it going. I will get my apartment cleaned, even if it means hiring a maid service a few times and then doing it myself. I will start eating better, and get in the habit of taking the effort to really cook for myself again. Maybe I can force the diabetes into remission, or at least get it controlled, and then try again to do the whole full time job thing once I don't have so many obstacles in my way. Maybe I'll use the time to write my novel and see if I can get into a career doing that. I may need help now, but I am determined for this to be temporary, even if it takes years to get past it.

[dragon_wings]

No advice but stopping by to wish you luck.

[Der Cute]

Ok, you've got a plan. (please break up your posting a bit, it looks like..text wall, imo)
WARNING: You go ahead and file but you will NOT get it unless you're already bleeding out one limb and/or have severe SEVERE SEVERE issues. Mytical had to go through about..6? months of chasing it, and his own health care, and was miserable pain wise from it. Go read his stuff here: http://customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=90208

In my experience: I filed for SSI/SSDI in Feb 2011. I've already been through my hearing. (that was May 2012, actually a decent processing speed) and am still stuck. Unless you're SEVERE enough to get ok'd the first shot, this will take at least 18 mo MINIMUM. And I don't think you're severe enough. Someone I know who got it - she'd had her 3rd bi-polar related psych hospitalization, and was very very dangerous to herself. Another person - he is over 55 and has some long term work related issues BUT also has another disability. Note his age.

So if you are depending on being processed and awarded, don't. I did..big mess.
Find a lawyer group to help you with SSI/SSDI. Just start that ball rolling on Tuesday, it takes FOREVER to get done. Take that off checklist.
Apply for food stamps. Again. APPLY FOR FOOD STAMPS. You may have a cash income but you already know it's limited. It will end. So save on the way through and spread the $ out for other things. (trust me ok). And while you're waiting for the FS to get processed, hit up a food bank.
The cash is sacred, ok?

Sliding scale clinic - yay! Good good good.

I noticed you have a lot of "I will I will" in there. Personally I do the same thing and all these little I wills get stuck in the back of my head only partially formed and cooked. What have you STARTED right now?
Next commercial you see on tv? Get on the floor and do leg lifts. 5 on each side. Next commercial? Use a soup can and do arm curls. 5 on each side. What I see happening is that you want "ok lets go aerobics marathon biking hiking I can do it alllll....splat" Correct me if I'm wrong, though. I had to do it this way - I knew that I'd over reach and fall on my face and quit. So I knew that about myself, I decided ok, let's chunk this up, since I really really do want it. And went slow. PS do you feel a burn when you do those? Yeah? Ok, good - you need to start at that level then.

Your mission for the coming week is to:
Sliding scale clinic (ask for a nutritionist!!!)
FS application
Call/Find SSI/SSDI law groups
Go look for work, why not
Commercials exercises, soup cans are cheap free weights

Just that shit, ok? Because bite more off...yeah.

[Mytical]

Ok I will advocate for The Disability Group..they do ALL the work, you just fill out any paperwork they send your way and send it back to them. They were a godsend.

Anyhow, make sure you have a doctor on board with the disability. Even then it is an uphill battle. Be one hundred percent honest with them, explain everything that is going on, and be prepared to have to tell them again and again. They tend not to listen sometimes. They have heard it all before from people just seeking drugs, and are a bit skeptical.

I got lucky in a twisted way. I almost died..that sped up my getting accepted. I had physical proof from the ICU of a major hospital that SOMETHING was majorly wrong. Look on the SSDI website, see what is grounds for disability. See if any apply to you. That will go a long way.

Get thee to the local offices that you can sign up on Food Stamp (or I believe it is called SNAP now or something), cash assistance, etc. Free clinics are good, but ask the docs there if there are any family practices that are income based. You need a steady doctor (which free clinics can't provide) that knows your issues so the disability lawyers can send them letters to get them to sign off on. Look into homeless shelters just in case. Be proactive. You want to cover your bases. And .. good luck. *hugs*

[Pixilated]

I have little to add to the excellent suggestions already given, except ...

... you say that, "I have always felt anyone who can work should if at all possible." That is admirable. However, in your current situation, it does not sound possible. Try not to fall into the "OMG I'll never, ever have another job ..." because that will just push you down further. You will get through this. At the moment, though, you need to do what's necessary to do that, and if that means taking a hiatus from work, so be it.

Volunteering is also an excellent idea. When I got laid off, one of the first things I did was go back to the thrift shop I'd volunteered at years ago and offer my services again. It gives you a reason to get out of bed and it keeps you from getting isolated. You can set your own schedule and hours, you can't be fired and you can walk out with no repercussions if it goes sour. And if my experience is anything to go by, they will love you, because volunteers are hard to come by these days. There's also a good chance you will make new friends and/or find people who can help point you in directions that will help you.

As for exercise and healthier eating ... is there a community garden in your area? It's a bit late in the season now, but there's one near me, and I plan to apply for a plot next May. They provide the seeds and tools; you just show up and do the work (and a small percentage of what you grow goes to the affiliated food bank).

Good luck!

[cinema guy]

As someone who has been through chronic depression, I will offer a couple of pieces of advice.

Don't fight it. Accept that today you are not going to do much. You will do stuff when you can. You will learn to cope.

Depression is an illness. If you are badly ill, you cannot work.

Anti-depressants work. They lift your mood. They help you cope.

Anyway, I hope things improve for you.

[Kristev]

Go ahead and apply. That's what I'm doing. I started a few months before I lost my job, and I have a hearing now at the end of the month.

Your mind is clearly unable to handle any more stress right now. Apply.