Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Lawn Sex

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Lawn Sex

    I promised this when I joined, then got distracted. It's not actually all that much, but at least I no longer owe my boss for this.

    So, I work four nights a week at the hotel. I asked for the time off for a particular night (staff at a college function that would last until at least five in the morning) well in advance, but apparently they didn't pay attention, 'cause my boss had to take the night instead of getting the other night-shift guy to do it. I called around four or five to confirm that I would not be coming in in the morning, as they had sprung on me last-minute, and had the following conversation with Bossman:

    me: So just wanted to let you know about that.
    Boss: Okay.
    Me: Okay.
    Boss: So how'd your night go?
    Me: What? Oh! Oh, it was great.
    Boss: Great.
    Me: Yeah.
    Boss: Ask me how MY night went.
    Me: ...How'd your night go, Bossman?
    Boss: I'm SO glad you asked. My night fucking sucked.
    Me: Why did your night suck, Bossman?
    Boss: So these two gay guys come in, drunk. (aside: there's a gay bar two blocks away. Nice folk, sometimes they stash their entertainers here for the night. Also aside: My boss is an attractive man in what I would guess to be his mid to late twenties.)
    Me: Huh boy.
    Boss: They ask how much the rooms are, then ask where there are other bars in the area. They try to get me to go out drinking with them. No way in hell, but I'm just saying how I can't leave the desk, and all that. I eventually ask if I can call them a cab, and they say yeah. I tell them they've got to wait outside for it, and it'll be about twenty minutes. So I finally get them outside.
    Me: Well that's good.
    Boss: Yeah. After fifteen or twenty minutes, I look through the doors to see if they're gone yet. I can't see them, but I hadn't seen the cab, so I go on and stick my head outside. And I see them on the grass, by the road, right under our sign, you know?
    Me: Oh, yeah, I can figure out where. (starting to grin very broadly, at this point)
    Boss: And the one guy's got his head in the other's lap. And they were... They... Minima, they were having SEX there, right by the road!
    Me: Oh, God.
    Boss: I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT. So I call the cops and they eventually come by. I look out a little later, and they were at it again? Minima!
    Me: Oh, God, I'm so sorry you had to see that.
    Boss: YOU. OWE. ME. You owe me bigtime, man.

    I soothed him some more (He's not too big on alternate lifestyles, poor guy) and redeemed the favor when I didn't sic a particularly heinous entitlement whore on him, a couple weeks later.

    So. Lawn sex. Now you know.

  • #2
    OH.MY.GOD.

    THAT IS TOOO FUCKING AWESOME!

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Sliceanddice View Post
      OH.MY.GOD.

      THAT IS TOOO FUCKING AWESOME!
      I'm sure those two drunk guys thought so too.

      Comment


      • #4
        For some reason, when I saw the subject LAWN SEX, I immediately thought LAWN DARTS.
        And after reading this little story, I'm disturbed by that association on a whole new level.
        ~~*

        "No! You can take the kids, but you leave me my monkey." - WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY

        Comment


        • #5
          Next thing you know, it'll be "pin the tail on the donkey." Oh my!

          Comment


          • #6
            So when he said his night "fucking sucked" he meant that literally...
            I don't go in for ancient wisdom
            I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
            It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Demonoid Phenomenon View Post
              For some reason, when I saw the subject LAWN SEX, I immediately thought LAWN DARTS.
              You're lucky; in my sleepless state of mind, I was thinking sex with various lawn instruments. Mowers, hedgeclippers, spades...
              "IT stands away, interrupting himself from the incessant hammering of the kittens…"

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Bloodsoul View Post
                You're lucky; in my sleepless state of mind, I was thinking sex with various lawn instruments. Mowers, hedgeclippers, spades...
                I was thinking the lawn doing it with the neighbor's lawn...
                I don't go in for ancient wisdom
                I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
                It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Bloodsoul View Post
                  You're lucky; in my sleepless state of mind, I was thinking sex with various lawn instruments. Mowers, hedgeclippers, spades...
                  Oh God....thanks for the nice picture you gave me.
                  For the most part, I don't care about what everyone else is doing, or what is popular.
                  -Namie Amuro (Japanese singer)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Lawn Darts. Instead of using a Dart and a Ring, they were using...well, you know.
                    If watermelons are made up of water, what are kumquats made up of?
                    www.myspace.com/rentalracer

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth RentalRacer View Post
                      Lawn Darts. Instead of using a Dart and a Ring, they were using...well, you know.
                      That's a little S&M there.....

                      I thought lawn darts got banninated because people died from getting impaled with them.

                      Anyhow, I'd check on that particular patch of lawn to make sure it's growing like it's supposed to--or growing at a faster rate. Something about, um, that stuff, becoming a fertilizer of sorts.

                      Okay, I know there are things wrong with me so I'll stop now....
                      Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                      "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        All I have to say is "Chiggers"
                        "First time I ever seen a chainsaw go down anybody's britches,"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Ok, so thinking of the lawn darts was bad.....but how screwed up do you have to be to read "Lawn Sex" and think of those plastic flamingoes? Cause I did. I need help.
                          ...how do used tampons attract thieves? ---Sleepwalker

                          Chickens are Asexual!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I just pictured a man and woman having sex on a lawn.
                            Under The Moon Paranormal Research
                            San Joaquin Valley Paranormal Research

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth powerboy View Post
                              I just pictured a man and woman having sex on a lawn.
                              You PERVERT!
                              "I can tell her you're all tied up in the projection room." Sunset Boulevard.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X