Sucky Pervy Customer

[marasbaras]

Just a few comments from this old puke (41):

1. Like others have said, don't give out personal information while at work. Just make it a habit. Even for cute guys. That way when the guys who creep you out come along, you'll be practiced.

2. You're female. Men are going to look at your chest. Polite? No. Can you stop it? Only by not working around men. Try to take it as a really awkward, poorly worded compliment ... that you have a chest worth staring at.

2a. And, do try to remember that we men are mostly hard-wired to be highly attracted to you women. It's what keep the species going. This isn't an excuse for boorish behavior. Just something to try to keep in mind when you run into the less civilized of us menfolk.

3. Try to work on not being nervous. If this guy is what you think he is, he feeds on it. Your nervousness gives him some kind of sick pleasure. Take that away and he'll lose interest.

[ruinwen]

Okay, then, here's this. Men in their forties should not flirt with girls that aren't even twenty. My personal life is none of his business, he shouldn't even be asking. If a guy is watching my chest while I'm placing an order, I do believe there's a line there. Also, when I was placing his order, the name of the Mrs showed up as well, so even if he was supposedly innocently interested, the guy is freaking MARRIED and should not be flirting or looking in the way that he did.

Pardon me if I got scared by a creep, figured this was a good place to rant, since you lot are used to sucky customers. Yes, he scared me, okay? I'm really not asking for advice on if you think I'm overreacting or not, I honestly don't give a damn. A guy comes up to me and flirts too much to be normal, keeps coming back, keeps getting more personal every time, and I wanted advice on how to stop his advances which were very much unwanted. If you've got advice on that, great, post away. If you think I'm overreacting, I don't give a damn, go post somewhere else, thanks.

Had you said he was 20+ years older than you and married I would have understood the first time. Then he really was creepy. Your original post says nothing of this. Your original post sounds like some guy (maybe about 20, but no real mention of age) looks at you (not stairs at your boobs) and comments on your nice small hands. Flirts with you a bit, makes you uncomftable without realizing and ends up asking if he can call you. For this situation your reaction sounds a bit much. For the real situation that you now explaned it sound perfectly right. If you call someone a perv don't leave out the stuff that actually makes him a perv instead of normal guy that thinks your hot.

[Rapscallion]

"Company policy prohibits us from dating creeps."

Edited that for accuracy.

Normal blokes do no stare at young ladies enough to set off their instincts of self preservation. A normal bloke would look, but then turn attention elsewhere for a while.

Everything you said, Boxgirl, lead me to think that you did right. Sure, he may not have been a creep, but your instincts told you that and there's a safe way to be wrong and a nasty way to be right. I'd far prefer for a customer to be offended accidentally through their own actions than for someone to be hurt.

I'm a bloke, and that post had red flags all the way through it. I wouldn't be surprised if he came back.

Keep safe.

Rapscallion

[chainedbarista]

awesome, raps, it's good to see that there are normal males who don't condone inappropriate behavior from other males.

age doesn't make it ok; young or old, it's still inappropriate, and telling someone they have to 'learn to live with it' is sheer bull. it's harrassment, albeit covert, and not acceptable.

box, learn to trust your instincts; if they give off vibes, grab another associate and have them stay with you or check them out. it doesn't matter if they're a customer, coworker or a supervisor, it's still wrong and you don't have to accept it, period.

[Rapscallion]

I wouldn't describe myself as normal, but I know what's right.

Rapscallion

[chainedbarista]

close enough for a cookie.

*hands raps a cookie*

[zzapp the witch]

Box: Some advice from a girl who learned how to make old perverts behave around her:

When they look at your boobs, duck down to your boob level to regain eye contact and slowly stand back up, pulling their eyes back up with you. It works. This is the best ever. Do it over and over if need be. You might think you look like an idiot, but you have no idea what kind of a point you're making, you're calling them out and making it obvious to EVERYONE that this perv is insisting on focusing on your boobs.

Have a knife/gun collection. (I really do, but just saying it has worked for some of my friends, just make sure you can talk the talk).

Be up front and honest. I have found one of the best ways to cure a creep is to ask him why he's doing that, or address the problem. "Sir, I'd like you to know that asking me all these personal questions is creeping me the f*ck out, and I'm not wanting to sound rude, but I don't know you." Some guys didn't know they were being creepy. And others, if they persist, don't be afraid to put your foot down. Tell them they are being rude customers. "You do realize that you are being an exceptionally rude customer, right?" "Knock it off, or I'm getting the manager/declining you service." Some pervs will do anything to be able to still be near you/deal with you, so you can get away with this up to a certain point, they will behave just to be able to still deal with you. Think of it as training/Jedi mind control.

And since you think there should be some sort of *age line* drawn, (LOL I'm in my 20s and my bf is in his 40s, funny you phrased that the way you did), when they ask how old you are, ask them the same. When they answer, say, "Wow! You're old! Like my dad, even!" Hell, you're 18, you can still get away with that! If they don't answer, tell them they look way too old to be hitting on a girl as young as you. "Ewwww, its like, I'm as old as your daughter!" Hell, I had a sleazoid in his 60s hit on me, and I responded, "Holy crap, you're older than my dad!" Then I asked if he was available to date my 85 yr old grandmother, who is widowed. He took off.

This isn't your first creep, he won't be your last, just stay on top of em, treat em like little kids (seriously!) and never give them power over you, you could be the only girl in a roomful, and every one of them will treat you with respect, you just need to learn to exude what a friend calls the "Respect your Goddess" vibe.

And of course: Never let your guard down. Your gut is telling you things for a reason. What's tricky to learn is how to act on what its saying. And never let fear run away with you, that's when bad things happen.

[Pagan]

Think of it as training/Jedi mind control.

Like the t-shirt the I still want to get that says, "These are not the boobs you're looking for."!

[Samaliel]

I'll admit I was a total creep until my early 20s. Being schooled in a private school with almost no girls, then pursuing computer studies (almost no girls as well) is really bad for social skills if you're not naturally gifted with them.

When I was trying to work on my lack of self-confidence, I actually mistook self-confidence with arrogance and came up as a complete creep. I learnt that lesson the VERY hard way. Did it hurt my feelings ? Yes, a lot.

But I do feel a lot better now, because if a girl didn't call me on my behavior, I wouldn't have had a chance to correct this, and would still come up as a creepy jerk.

So, if you think some one is creepy, tell them so. You don't have to be rude about it, but you have to be firm. If the guy is actually a nice guy with issues, it might help him adjusting his attitude. If the guy really is a creep, it might not make hime change his ways, but he'll most likely leave you alone, because most creeps are afraid of girls who stand up for themselves.

My two cents.

[friendofjimmyk]

If there is something spesific that made him a perv you didn't mention it. I'm sorry if I seem unsensitive to your problem, but unless he keeps making advances toward you after you've told him your not interested, he's not a perv.

I have to second this motion. I don't think the man did anything but find you attractive. If you politely tell him that you are not interested - like say, "I'm sorry, but I am not interested in dating at this moment" (telling them your company doesn't allow it could invite more questions) You can even say "I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. Thank you".

The key to this is to tell him - up front - you are NOT interested in some polite manner. You can't beat around the bush or drop hits - you have to be forward. Anything less can make him believe that there is a door open and make him keep up with the advances and questions.

[friendofjimmyk]

I'm a bloke, and that post had red flags all the way through it. I wouldn't be surprised if he came back.

Keep safe.

Rapscallion

I saw no red flags. Plus, the fact that she said he's Hispanic-ish leads me to believe he may have things about him that are culture bound. He may have thought, due to his culture, that he did nothing wrong.

She should be safe above all, don't get me wrong, but I believe this man would probably leave her alone if she explained politely that she is not interested.

[PepperElf]

Checking if someone is a sexual predator because he looks at you when he's doing business with you and likes you hands is a bit of an overkill if you ask me.

sometimes i think... these days, it doesn't hurt to check

what he did might not have been illegal, but... if he's giving you the creeps i'd say make sure you give him the "No Signal"

granted it's not always easy to do when you're young. i was bad at it until I stopped caring if I hurt someone's feelings.

these days i actually enjoy shooting guys down. was walking home one night and some drunk guy came up to high-5 me while he buddy tried holding him back.
Him: where are you going?
Me: Home
Him: Where's home? *perk!*
Me: My boyfriend's apartment. Sorrry! *SMIRK!*
Him: *dragged on by buddy, deflated*
Me: *yay! that was funny!*

I was watching Oprah one afternoon and she had an expert on talking about women that DO NOT listen to their gut instinct because they don't want to be "rude" to a man that seems nice.

I never watch Oprah but... you know I ran into that myself. I didn't have the heart to tell a guy "No. You turn me off and creep me out. Stop trying to get into my pants or I'll turn you in to the company." I did it all soft, trying to be nice.

He stopped bothering me finally, but within a year he'd sexually assaulted one of my friends at work. After she pressed charges & named me as a witness to his behavior, 3 other women stepped forward with similar complaints.

So yeah, trust the instincts.

[Mamadrae]

I certainly like others don't see any serious red flags in your original post. The fact that he was older and married makes me go "Ewww" but some girls are bimbos that jump on that kind of...you get the idea.

However, the fact that he made you uncomfortable is enough for me to say trust your instincts. Girls have different levels of this though. I myself have a habit of being completely oblivious to such behavior till they really start getting creepy. I then proceed to kick them to the curb. I however also have 5 brothers and the 3 eldest made sure their little sister knew how to take someone apart if need be. Let me pull out a situation for you from my past...yes this did actually happen though the manager came running from the grill behind me the minute he heard me threaten bodily harm.

Perv: *asking general questions about me: school, age, etc*
Me: *not paying much attention as I give general answers: not in school, 19, generally stay home, live across town (I never told people addresses, only general areas)*
Perv: So do you have a boyfriend?
Me: *first red flag as I finish his order* Nope and not interested in one.
Perv: Oh good, no jealousy issues.
Me: Sorry?
Perv: I'm a photographer. I'll pay you 500 bucks for some nude shots.
Me: *grab to go bag and put it on his tray* First off sir: You wouldn't have enough money to pay for a nude shot of me if you took out all your organs and sold them on the black market. Secondly: I highly recommend you pack up your food and leave before I decide to give you a sex change operation. Curtesy of my boot stomping onto sensitive parts of your anatomy until it's mistake for a vagina.
Perv: You can't throw me...
Manager who came running: Yes she can. Now get out before I call the cops and don't you dare come back!

Never let politeness or the customer status stand in the way of safety and security. If your not feeling safe at work, tell the manager and if the manager is stupid (or not there) feel free to issue threats of bodily harm.

[chinashirtgirl]

First off sir: You wouldn't have enough money to pay for a nude shot of me if you took out all your organs and sold them on the black market. Secondly: I highly recommend you pack up your food and leave before I decide to give you a sex change operation. Curtesy of my boot stomping onto sensitive parts of your anatomy until it's mistake for a vagina.

Hahaha!! What's important here is how the guy in the OP was making Box feel. Like this one time I was in the park minding my own business sitting on a bench and this guy comes and sits beside me and says Hi, do you have a boyfriend? Take it from me that is the worst pick-up line ever. Maybe he thought he was just cutting to the chase but it made me very angry. He doesn't even know my name and he's trying to get in my pants? It made me feel like a piece of meat!! And that's not a good feeling.

What some of the posters here aren't understanding when they say that this guy was innocent or awkward is that his awkwardness was making Box feel bad. There's no excuse for that. If you have bad social manners it's still your fault that people are reacting to you the way you are.

My ex-boyfriend has aspergers and he has a very difficult time with women. It's possible that the guy in the OP has some similar problem but I don't think that that's any reason why Box should have to put up with it. He needs to learn that his way of hitting on women is not the way to go.

Box, sorry for your trouble but stand up for yourself because it doesn't matter if some people think you're rude. You have the right not to feel uncomfortable and freaked out at your place of work. Take the advice of others on this board and never answer personal questions in the work-place. This will only lead people on. And if politeness and subtlety don't work throw them out the window!

[Pagan]

I saw the same red flags Raps did.

Plus, the fact that she said he's Hispanic-ish leads me to believe he may have things about him that are culture bound. He may have thought, due to his culture, that he did nothing wrong.

Having been born and raised and still live in a predominantly Hispanic part of the country, I can say this is not normal behaviour for Hispanic guys.