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  • Dear Mrs. Blabbermouth:

    You DO realize that I now have to report you to the police. Tampering with patients' medications is not just ILLEGAL, it's also UNSAFE!

    Expect two or more officers at your door soon.

    Sincerely,

    Penny Cillin
    Manager
    Pharma-Mart


    Dear Christmas-hating Judge:

    I am appealing on behalf of my client, a Mrs. Christmas Freak, who was convicted on the charge of murder in the first degree of her neighbour, a Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge because of his vicious remarks about how Christmas should be outlawed.

    My client insists that everything she did was done in self-defense, and that Mr. Scrooge had a terrible "accident" while attempting "murder" her with her own meat cleaver and wood chipper. She hid his remains in the turkey only because of her fear of "police brutality", which "unfortunately" for her, has come "true".

    Also, because they "lied" in their testimony against her, my client will also be suing her former children for millions of dollars in damages.

    Please reconsider her case.

    Sincerely,

    Holly Day
    Attorney at Law
    Last edited by cindybubbles; 12-08-2014, 07:06 PM.
    cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

    Enter Cindyland here!

    Comment


    • Dear Atty. Holly Day,

      All witness evidence points to the fact that your client brutally murdered her neighbor, as they were both screaming loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, as well as being filmed by the security cameras on Mr. Scrooge's house. There has also been extensive testimony from the four children and their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and Ivy's psychiatrist.

      Murder and child abuse are still illegal, as you ought to know, and the sentence I handed down to your client was quite in order. I would strongly suggest you drop this case, and your client, or else face the jury of public opinion, which could hinder your planned run for state senate next year.

      Sincerely,
      Judge Knott

      * * *

      Dear Microslop Computers,

      The laptop you guys made and sold me is a piece of junk! Every time I go to look at my girls, it gets loaded down with all sorts of garbage, viruses, you name it. I've wasted hundreds of dollars on them "fixing" the machine, only to have it crap out again. Them techs tell me not to click on every link, but they don't know what they're talking about. I just want to see my girls!

      I demand that you give me $1,000,000 for my inconvenience and a brand-new computer that won't get viruses (and preferably can be operated with one hand).

      Sincerely,
      Randy Creepazoid
      Last edited by XCashier; 12-12-2014, 01:48 AM. Reason: grammar goof
      I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
      My LiveJournal
      A page we can all agree with!

      Comment


      • Dear Miss Creepazoid,

        We have tried to tell you that clicking all of those links could be dangerous to click on. Many of these links lead to criminal sites filled with viruses, scamware, and spyware. We suggest that you buy antivirus software to keep your computer safer. As for your demands, they are denied.

        Sincerely,

        Steven Gates, CEO, Microsum Computers

        -----

        Dear Mr. Mystic,

        I cannot believe you could cheat me like this. You convinced me that you had incredible telekinetic powers. I gave you $20 so you could stop a man on a bicycle with your mind. You stepped in front of the bike, and it stopped. Then I gave you $40 so you could stop a car with your mind. You stepped in front of the car, and it stopped. Then I gave you $60 so you could stop a street car with your mind. You stepped in front of the street car, and it stopped. Then I gave you $100 so you could stop a train with your mind. You stepped in front of the train, but it didn't stop.

        When the police officer showed up, he muttered things like "dead" and "bloody mess." I don't care what that cop said. I want my $220 back or I will tell everyone what kind of fraud you are.

        Signed,

        Lo Como Tiv
        This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

        I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

        Comment


        • Dear Mrs. Tiv:

          My late son did not have, nor did he ever clam to have, telekinetic powers. You must have misunderstood the meaning of his user name. It's MrMxyzptlk, not Mr. Mystic!

          Even his YouTube channel made disclaimers about not having any powers. He was a young teenage boy who did stupid stuff for his many YouTube and Twitter followers.

          I regret that I was not there when you ambushed him and held him hostage, blackmailing him into doing tricks for you and your so-called "friends". You must have mistaken him for a magician, though I don't understand why you would mistake a young boy's crazy shenanigans for some flashy hocus pocus.

          In fact, I will be pressing charges against you for kidnapping, extortion and felony murder. Expect some shiny bracelets in your future!

          Sincerely,

          Donna Reed
          Mother of the late Shaun Reed (aka MrMxyzptlk)

          ------

          Dear Grinchy Warden:

          What's the deal with putting me in solitary? I can't enjoy Christmas without other people!

          That so-called "vegan" inmate had it coming when, during my stint on kitchen duty, I stripped her and dressed her and cooked her like a real turkey! Then when another inmate tried to "stop" me, I did what I had to do: cut her open and used her blood to marinate my turkey. The innards from both inmates also made a nice stuffing and that soup that I made from their bones will gladly feed us for many days to come.

          I still don't understand why the other inmates were screaming. They made a delicious Christmas dinner, after all!

          If you don't do something to help me, not only will I sue your family, I'll also send your wife my signature Warden fruitcake!

          By the way, I fired my attorney, Holly Day, and will retain a new one for this case!

          Sincerely,

          Mrs. Christmas Freak
          cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

          Enter Cindyland here!

          Comment


          • Dear Dr. Cy Kiatrist,

            Enclosed is a copy of the letter of the woman I told you about. Like I said, she's a live one. She put the "loon" in "lunatic"! I hate to foist her off on you, but she's a danger to everyone in my prison, including my guards. Your fine facility, Arkham Asylum, is the only place I know of that can contain her.

            Thank you for agreeing to take her off my hands. I might suggest you bring the elephant tranquilizers, the chain mail-reinforced straightjacket and a dozen of the strongest interns you have when you pick her up.

            Best regards,
            Ward N. Smith
            State Prison

            (Cindy, this is too fun! We should write a round-robin story about your crazy character! )

            * * *

            Dear Dumbass at the Store,

            Who the hell you think you are, running out of the thing I wanted to get on Black Friday? I showed up at 3:00 in the afternoon, and you were completely out of the $99 TV sets I wanted to get for Christmas gifts! That's false advertising! And bait-and-switch! You give me $1,000,000 for my trouble or I'll go on TV and blast you to kingdom come!

            Regards,
            Dill E. Dally
            Last edited by XCashier; 12-09-2014, 08:56 PM.
            I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
            My LiveJournal
            A page we can all agree with!

            Comment


            • Dear Mr. Dally,

              Your letter has been forwarded to the police. Either get up earlier or start shopping online, like sane people do.


              See you in court,

              Mrs. Storeauner



              ***


              (I want in on this!)


              Dear Mr. Smith:

              Please take Mrs. Freak back. She's killed four patients so far, something about not having her Christmas dinner wrecked, and we can't deal with her anymore.

              Best wishes, J. Arkham

              P.S. Mrs. Freak scares the Joker to the point he is taking his meds like a good patient in exchange for staying in the supermax security wing. Killer Croc is whimpering about not being fried, and Scarecrow is jealous that she can elicit so much fear without chemical help.That should tell you how much of a problem we have on our hands.
              Last edited by Tama; 12-11-2014, 10:49 AM.
              My Guide to Oblivion

              "I resent the implication that I've gone mad, Sprocket."

              Comment


              • (This is so much fun! And in time for the holiday season, too!)

                Dear Mr. Arkham:

                I'll see what I can do. Perhaps her husband, Mr. Easter Freak might be willing to take her back. He's just as obsessed about Easter as she is about Christmas, yet, unlike his wife, hasn't committed any crimes. He should be safe, since he's tolerated her for so long.

                Sincerely,

                Ward N. Smith
                State Prison

                ----------------

                Hi, Easter, honey!

                I just got message from the warden that he's asking you to take me back. I sincerely hope you do!

                I'm really "sorry" for stuffing your Scrooge-like sister into one of my giant stockings, and I've made amends with your uncle for stitching Santa's beard onto his face after it "fell" off (read: he tore it off).

                I'm also "sorry" for spending your inheritance on rebuilding Santa's workshop in the North Pole, and on lobbying governments to allow genetic engineering on reindeer so that they could fly and have glowing noses like Rudolph!

                I'm also "sorry" for injuring you and your buddies on your hunting expedition. I was only trying save the poor reindeer by getting them to fly out of harm's way!

                Please take me back. You can forget about that silly restraining order you put on me! I'll be good!

                Love, your darling wife,

                Mary Christmas Freak

                (here's a link to her bio)
                Last edited by cindybubbles; 12-11-2014, 06:59 PM.
                cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                Enter Cindyland here!

                Comment


                • Dear MS. Freak,

                  I divorced you three months ago. The answer is no.

                  I will not repeal the RO. The kids are only just now getting along with me, and I think that's only because being close to me keeps you away by virtue of the RO.

                  Go drown in eggnog,

                  Mr. Freak


                  ***


                  Dear Commissioner Gordon,

                  HELP! I'm a new lawyer at Dewey, Fukkyu & Howe in Gotham City, and this crazy woman came in with a shiv whittled out of a candy cane demanding I represent her! I can't leave the building!

                  -Green Lawhound
                  Last edited by Tama; 12-12-2014, 12:28 AM.
                  My Guide to Oblivion

                  "I resent the implication that I've gone mad, Sprocket."

                  Comment


                  • Dear Mr. Lawhound:

                    I'll call Batman with the Bat-signal.

                    Sincerely,

                    Commissioner Gordon

                    -------

                    Hi, Happy, my best twin sis of all!

                    Apparently my husband thinks he's divorced me and has barred me from my home. What a shame! I'd cut him up and serve him as leftovers, but I need my weekly cheques that for some reason, have been labelled "alimony", after all.

                    We're not the Christmas twins for nothing, after all! Do you remember the time when we built Santa's sleigh out of the wood from Dad's tool shed, and kidnapped all the neighbourhood dogs and dressed them up as reindeer so we could play Santa? Do you also recall us going to Northern Canada for our summer vacation? It was too bad that we were too young, or we could have gone straight up to the North Pole!

                    I recall the day when we beat up the mailboxes, trying to get the letters of naughty children away from Santa, and when we cooked up the school bully's dog for Santa because he was THAT naughty!

                    Anyway, could you please let me stay with you? If so, imagine the new memories we could create!

                    Your loving twin sister,

                    Mary Christmas Freak
                    cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                    Enter Cindyland here!

                    Comment


                    • Dear Mary,

                      I didn't enjoy it at all; in fact, I was praying the police would catch us if only to put you away! The only reason I agreed to all those shenanigans is because you threatened to cook my beloved cat for dinner if I didn't. Don't think I didn't notice that Snowy disappeared right before you made Mystery Meatloaf and gave yourself new white furry mittens.

                      I was hoping you'd stay in the clink for a good long time, but apparently even Arkham couldn't hold you. I'll be taking a page from your ex-husband's book and getting a restraining order out against you as well. You stay the hell away from my house, my husband and kids!

                      Very sincerely,
                      Happy Christmas-Warisover

                      ***

                      Dear Don Corleone,

                      I can't get my husband, my children or my sister to cooperate with me! Therefore, I'm turning to you; after all, you know how important family is. I want you to make them an offer they can't refuse; they either come back to my side and celebrate Christmas my way or they become Christmas dinner! And you'll be invited, of course.

                      Sincerely,
                      Mary Christmas-Freak
                      Last edited by XCashier; 12-12-2014, 01:39 AM.
                      I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                      My LiveJournal
                      A page we can all agree with!

                      Comment


                      • Dear Mrs. Freak,

                        Your family have already spoken to me, and the situation will be handled. I'll be sending my boy Michael out to see you.

                        All respect,

                        Don Corleone


                        ***


                        Dear dad,

                        Are you sure two guys is enough? This is one crazy woman!


                        Your faithful son,

                        Michael
                        Last edited by Tama; 12-12-2014, 05:58 AM.
                        My Guide to Oblivion

                        "I resent the implication that I've gone mad, Sprocket."

                        Comment


                        • Dear Michael,

                          There is backup on call. Please contact them if needed.

                          Sincerely,

                          Don Corleone



                          Dear Shoe Store Manager,

                          I came to your store on Christmas Eve five minutes before closing to buy some new shoes for a Christmas party. However, you were out of red shoes so I had to settle for green ones. Thanks to your store, my Christmas was ruined because everyone laughed at the shoes I wore at the party. I demand free shoes of my choice and a $400 gift card or I will tell everyone I know that you sell out of shoes that customers want.

                          Sincerely,

                          Mrs. Lastminute
                          My Fanfic Page
                          My Fiction Page
                          My Social Group
                          My Pet Social Group
                          My You Tube Channel

                          Comment


                          • Dear Mrs. Lastminute:

                            I hope you are not related to that crazy hag Mrs. Christmas-Freak! But just in case, you are hereby permanently banned from my store!

                            Sincerely,

                            Al Bundy
                            Bundy's Shoes.

                            -----------

                            Dear Mayor John Tory:

                            I wish to file a complaint about the Toronto Christmas Market. Christmas markets are now the only way that I could enjoy my Christmases now that my family has disowned me. Apparently, I was barred from enjoying my Christmas because of the following things:

                            1. We actually had to line up to get in. Who the heck lines up for a FREE event? Nobody, that's who! (this is true, I DID have to line up to get in, but I didn't complain about it)

                            2. There were too many people! People kept bumping into me and I was almost crushed to death!

                            3. If I had a gun, I would have solved the above problem immediately! I DID have a knife, though, and I made quick work of the people who DARED to cut in front of me while I waited patiently for my food. I tried to make amends by offering the corpses to the restaurants in the area, but for some reason, they called the cops on me! And I got arrested again!

                            I came to Toronto specifically to enjoy the Christmas Market in the Distillery District! It's not my fault that there were so many people in the way! I demand that you use your mayoral influence to get me out and that your police drop all charges against me! You are violating my right to enjoy Christmas as I see fit!

                            Sincerely,

                            Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak
                            cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                            Enter Cindyland here!

                            Comment


                            • Dear Police Chief,

                              Nice going on arresting that murdering psycho. I've enclosed a letter I received from her, signed and everything, confessing to her crimes. This should help expedite things to get her deported back to the United States. (Not that I wish her on them, but we don't need her here.)

                              Should you need anything else, please let me know. The sooner this is done, the better.

                              Sincerely,
                              John Tory, Mayor
                              City of Toronto

                              * * * * *

                              Dear Commissioner,

                              God help us all, Mrs. Christmas-Freak is back! Canada has permanently banned her from their country, and I do believe every other country in the world is doing the same. Her infamy is spreading. Arkham can't hold her, my prison can't hold her, even the crime families are afraid of her. Now what do we do?

                              Regards,
                              Ward N. Smith
                              I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                              My LiveJournal
                              A page we can all agree with!

                              Comment


                              • Dear Mr. Ward N. Smith:

                                I suggest you take it up with her brother, Lloyd.

                                Sincerely,

                                Commissioner Gordon

                                ---------

                                Hey, Harry, my best bud!

                                Lloyd here!

                                Just wondering if we could let my adoring sister Mary Christmas-Freak live with us, at least until the New Year.

                                She's fallen on hard times. For some reason, our sister Happy, Mary's husband and Mary's children don't want anything to do with her, and Mom and Dad are gone, so I'm the only one who can help. I can't help that fact that she just loves Christmas so much that she has to break the law to enjoy it properly.

                                I don't know why she thinks I disowned her in that letter to the mayor, but rest assured, I didn't. I still love her, and I've let her know that so many times.

                                So can she stay with us? I promise to make sure that she behaves and doesn't hurt your cat (read: beaver).

                                Your Best Friend,

                                Lloyd Christmas (yes, that one from the Dumb and Dumber movies!)
                                cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                                Enter Cindyland here!

                                Comment

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