The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mrs. Spraypainter,
I beat you to that letter.
You are still not allowed in our store.

Manager with Spine

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Alphabet-Letter TV
I want to post a complaint! Your meteorologist is an inconsiderate jerk! I was planning to attend the recent Civil War reenactment in my hometown, but it RAINED! ALL WEEKEND! The event was RUINED.
I expect courtesy from our pubic servants, and in payment for this horrible service, I request $8 million in hush-money, or I'll never watch your channel again!

Spect Ator

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Ator,

We have no control over the weather and the meteorologist was just doing his job. However, the Civil War event has been rescheduled but you won't get one dime from us.

Sincerely,

T. E. Levision
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

When I was at the checkout, a very pretty girl was ringing me up. I asked her out on a date and she had the nerve to turn me down and told me that she had a boyfriend. When I tried to kiss her, she had the nerve to back away and call security who escorted me out of the store without my groceries. I demand you tell the checker that she has to go out on a date with me or she's fired or I will come to your store with a boom box and play loud music with bad language at full volume.

Sincerely,

Mr. Creepy

[Sarlon]

Dear mr. Creepy,

Thank you so much for providing me with your mailing address, the officers will be serving you with a restraining order against my girlfriend by tomorrow.

We are engaged to be married and I do not appericate men who disrespect women to think they are property.

Sincerely,
T. Magnum
Store Manager

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Dear Grocery store,

I recently hurt my leg, mind you not in your fine store, and was in need of some groceries. Upon entering your store, I saw 2 electronic carts plugged in and waiting by the front of the where they are normally kept. As I hobbled my way on crutches to claim one of them to assist in my shopping experience, a rather large portly woman shoved past me and grabbed one of them, smirking at me the entire time. Your employee informed me that the other cart was not fully charged and she could not tell that woman to give me the cart she so rudely took.

I DEMAND personal shopping help every time i am in there for the next year while my leg heals, and a $500000000000 gift card to buy my groceries! Or I will take my business else where! I shop in your store and spend thousands of dollars espically during the holiday season, with my huge family coming in to eat!

Not so friendly,
Anne Noyance

(first part of this story is true, thankfully the cashier got one of the baggers to grab the one thing I needed and then helped me carry it out to my car. It was also 10pm at night and almost no other customers in the store).

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Noyance,

I certainly sympathize with your plight, and agree the other woman was very rude to push you aside like that. Unfortunately, we simply do not have enough staff to do your shopping for you, especially when you've got a five-page shopping list.

We cannot give you the money; however, we are getting two more electric carts from Corporate with stronger batteries that hold charges much longer. This should alleviate the problems with cart scarcity.

As for the rude customer...well, last time one of my staff confronted a customer like that, he ended up in the hospital with a concussion after the customer slammed him into a wall. We cannot put our staff in danger like that, so we've forbidden them to confront rude people, and are in the process of getting a security guard. We hope to have things going smoothly again very soon.

Sincerely,
Ray Sing-Prices, owner,
Ray's Groceries

* * * * *

Dear store owner,

All I wanted was to get one thing and get out, quickly. But no, your stupid sales clerk insisted on trying to make small talk as she was ringing me out. Let's get one thing straight: I do NOT talk to those who are beneath me. I don't give a damn about those pathetic wretches you have working for you, and I certainly don't want to hear their stupid babbling!

I demand a gift card for $1000 for my inconvenience, and for you to train your little wage-slaves to shut up and do their work, or all of my friends and I shall boycott your store and go to the media about you!

Sincerely,
Arra Gant-Snob

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Gant-Snob,

We encourage our employees to interact with the customers so they can have a pleasant shopping experience. Therefore, you won't be getting a gift card.

Sincerely,

Store Owner



Dear Fitness Center Manager,

You had no right to kick me out of the fitness center. All I did was smoke a cigarette while I was on the treadmill. I demand free membership for life and to be allowed to smoke all I want in any location of the fitness center. If you don't, I will burn down the building.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smoker

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Smoker,

The city has banned smoking in public buildings like our gym. We were forced to remove you from our gym. However, even without the law, we would have forced you to leave. Our health conscious members do not want to work out while choking on cigarette smoke. Since you threatened to commit arson, we have forwarded your letter to the police. You can burn up in the cooler.

Sincerely,

Eddie Atlas, Atlas Fitness Center

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Dear Bank,

The other day, this woman brought this box into my shipping store. This thing was the size of a small coffin and was really heavy. The label said it was 3 ft x 2 ft x 1 ft. My scale said it was 51 pounds (23 kg). It's amazing that such a tiny woman could carry that big, heavy box. When I tried to lift it, I hurt my back. Now, I can't have sex with my girlfriend without my back hurting. The shipping label said it came from your bank.

I demand that you compensate me for my medical bills and give me US$1 million for pain and suffering.

Sincerely,

Utterly Pissed Shipper

[Sarlon]

Dear Shipper,

Since you claim this happened at work, we are forwarding the pertinent information to your manager to help you file a workers comp claim.

In the mean time however we will deny your claim.

have a nice day! and thank you for banking with us!

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Dear Frozen yogurt company.

I recently went into your store to purchase a frozen dessert for myself and my extra special 14 year old son! While there we filled our cups with ice cream, put on all the toppings our hearts desired, went up to pay and sat and enjoyed our dessert.

When we finished my precious angel said he had to go into the bathroom and would meet me in the car. Next thing i know several police cars are pulling up into the parking lot.

Within 5 minutes they were escorting my precious baby out in handcuffs!! They were ARRESTING HIM!!! I DEMAND you drop all charges on my son, the perfect angel who gets straight A's and is on the Dean's list and has never hurt so much as a flea! I also demand free frozen yogurt for life for my entire family!

Angry as hell,
Helio coptermom

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Coptormom,

Your son went up to our register, pulled out a gun, and demanded all of our money. Whether or not you knew his intentions is not our problem. Luckily, a policewoman was also in our store, albeit in plain clothes because it was her day off. When your son tried to rob us, she put a stop to it and ordered one of my staff to call the police, giving him some information to give them.

We will not be dropping the charges, and you can go see Sub-Zero at his frozen treat shop. We don't want you here.

Respectlessly yours,

Mrs. Cocoa Malt, owner of Colidilocks.

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Dear General Mercantille's,

I went into your store two days ago specifically to buy a can of Cry-lon paint. After going through all the colors, I selected a can of Toxic Turquoise and went out and sprayed my entire car with it. But not only did the paint wash off and get everywhere, it gave me horrible burns and blisters all over my body!

I demand that you give me ten million dollars in compensation, a lifetime supply of your paint in every single color you make, a brand new car in the exact color I want, Toxic Turquoise, and that you personally issue me an apology on the six-o'clock news! If you don't, I will go back to the store and buy up all the paint I can, then I'll go to your offices and spray you and your entire staff with as much paint as I can!

Signed,

Mr. Karl Les Dumbbunny.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Dumbbunny,

Look at the paint sprayer button. See the little hole? That's where the paint comes out. You need to point that away from yourself.

Cars require a specific type of paint to stand up to weather and road conditions. They need auto body paint; spray paint in a can won't do it.

Not only is your request denied, we have forwarded your letter to the police, as you are making threats of bodily harm. Have fun explaining everything to your parole officer.

Regards,
Vera Smart, manager, General Mercantile

*****

Dear Store Manager,

I tried to go shopping at your store, but your parking lot was completely full! I couldn't get a space! That completely ruined my evening. I demand that you send everyone else home when I come shopping or I'll go to the media about your shady parking practices!

Sincerely,
Anita Reasonto-Complain

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Reasonto-Complain
You arrived at the store during the peak of Friday Night Madness, our best shopping day of the week, as it helps put our store back into the black, instead of the red.
Feel free to curse our competitors with your bitchy self.

Big-Box Grocery, Corporate Office

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Bake'n'Cookies Cook Books

I was baking Chocolate Chip Cookies, and your 1935 edition cook book doesn't tell me how much gluten to add to the recipie!
I demand you fix this at once!! Otherwise, I will tell all my friends not to use your products.

Cluele SS Baker

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Baker,

Gluten can be found in regular flour so you don't have to worry about how much gluten to add. Enclosed is a modern recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

Sincerely,

C. H. Ocolate
Author



Dear Book Publishing Company Manager,

I sent a book to be published and received a rejection letter. I didn't use punctuation, spaces, capitalization, or even paragraphs since your editors are required by law to do that. I demand you tell the editors to fix my book and publish it or they'll be arrested. If you don't, I will fix and publish the book myself and put you down as the publisher.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Walloftext

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Walloftext

Had you written your book anywhere near as clearly as you had written your letter, and had it not been about Captain Kirk sleeping with Princes Leia, and how both Darth Vader and Khan were determined to put a stop to it, we would've been happy to publish it . . .

But you can't expect our editors to do all the grammatic work for you, and you've no right to use someone else's characters. Go back to fanfic or go write a real book.

Sincerely,

Ms. Claire Reed,

Take Me Away Book Publishing Company.

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Dear For Growing Minds Teaching Supply Store,

I went to your store and bought up all the cans of Rainbow Play-Don't that your store had. I spent well over a thousand dollars there, and gave it to my children.

Then I left the house for a few hours, and not only did my sons make the world's worst sculpture ever, they also got the Play-Don't all over everything, and then ate some!

It made them violently sick, to the point where my wife took them to the hospital when she came home from work and found out what had happened. Now I'm stuck with three sick boys, a furious wife, a huge hospital bill, and ruined furniture and carpets!

I expect your store to make this right, and if you don't, I'm going to go straight to the cops with it, tell the authorities that you are selling dangerous materials to children, sue your store for every penny they've got, in addition to suing for the restoration of my things and the medical bills for my boys, and then I'm going to smear Play-Don't all over your store and force-feed it to your employees! Let's see how your staff like eating a clay that the hospital's doctor told me was too toxic to allow children to play with, let alone eat, without parental supervision? That is, after she got finished yelling at me too when she found out my boys had eaten it. (She was almost as angry as my wife was!)

Angrily yours,

Mr. Terry Bill Father.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Father,

We cannot believe that a father could be so neglectful with his own children. Actually, that's not true, but it still shocks us. Our Play-Don't is safe and non toxic even if a child ingest small quantities. On every can of Play-Don't, there is a warning that says, "Do not let children play with product without parental supervision." However, that's exactly what you did.

You will get no money. Since you threatened our staff, we have handed your letter to the police. Now you'll get to explain yourself to angry police officers.

Sincerely,

Aristotle Knox, For Growing Minds Teaching Supply Store

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Dear US EEOC,

I wnt 2 reprt atlantk bank fer descrnation. When I axed da hirng manger y, he sed dat I had a tato on mi hand, I smelt of cigerete smoke, nd dat mi dreds luuked drty and gresy. I demand u fine dem big fer mi paan nd sufring.

Sincerely,

I. D. Tentee

(The EEOC is the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Tentee,

We would recommend cleaning yourself up and hiding your tattoo so you have a better chance of getting a job. However, you weren't discriminated against so the bank you mentioned won't be fined.

Sincerely,

E. Q. Ual
Manager



Dear Coffee Shop Manager,

I recently came to your shop for coffee, a scone, and to say hi to my granddaughter who works at your store. However, I didn't see her and when I asked why she wasn't there, I was told that she was fired. I demand that my granddaughter be rehired with a raise since she was fired for no reason. If you don't do this, I will open a bag of ground coffee and sprinkle it on the floor.

Sincerely,

C. L. Uelessgrandfather

[Quillsilver]

Dear Mr. Uelessgrandfather,

I suggest you ask your granddaughter why she is no longer employed here. Even if we were inclined to rehire her, the restraining orders filed by several of her fellow employees would make that difficult.

Please be warned that carrying out your threats may result in similar legal action taken against you.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Grounds
Coffee Shop Manager


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Dear Bus Company

I am filing a formal complaint to demand the firing of an incompetent, rude driver, as well as compensation for my damaged property.

On Saturday, XX/XX/XXXX, I attempted to enter Bus ### departing XXXX Station at X:XX. I was carrying a drink that I had JUST purchased at the fast food place down the street. The driver would not let me on the bus, giving some excuse about not allowing drinks. The bus was due to leave in a matter of minutes, and I could NOT be late for my appointment. I told him that it would be fine, since I had just bought the drink and should not have to throw it away. He still refused to let me on the bus. I asked him to wait for a moment, then I stepped behind a pillar and tucked the drink into my purse so he could not see it. He FINALLY allowed me on the bus.

Several minutes later, as we were approaching my stop, I pulled the cord and began walking toward the front of the bus. Suddenly, another car pulled out in front of the bus and the driver slammed on the brakes. I stumbled, and the drink that was hidden in my purse SPILLED!

Obviously, the drink would never have been in my purse if the idiot driver had not refused to allow me on the bus with it visible. With that in mind, I expect the driver to be fired, and I also expect your company to replace my brand new jPhone 8 and the purse itself, along with everything else that was ruined when the drink spilled. I will be happy to provide an itemized list when your corporate office contacts me to resolve this matter.

Sincerely,
S. Snowflake

(loosely based on a true story)