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  • Dear Lloyd Christmas,

    I want to help but I don't feel comfortable with your sister. Therefore, I will move back in with my parents until I find a new place and your sister can move in with you.

    Stay in touch,

    Harry



    Dear Park Ranger,

    You had no right to have me arrested. All I did was walk through the park with no clothes on. I demand you drop the charges and allow me to walk through the park without clothes all I want. If you don't, I will show up at my bail hearing wearing nothing.

    Sincerely,

    Mrs. Natural
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    Comment


    • Dear Mrs. Natural,

      Feel free to do that but don't be offended if you get arrested and stared at. Those cop car seats are a bitch to a naked ass cheek.

      Not that I would know.

      Regards, Ranger Ex C. Onvict



      Dear Mr. Roman Sionis, aka Black Mask,

      A new Christmas themed crime gang has knocked off a bunch of banks in our area. They were all dressed as either Santa, elves, or reindeer and the woman in charge (she called herself Mrs. Freak, and emphasized the Mrs. part) made us straighten our Santa hats on pain of being shot! Damn lethal with guns though, and they have gotten away with $15,000,000 so far in cash alone.

      We need help and would be willing to join your territory and pay the necessary protection money in return.

      Your humble servant,

      Mr. Bank Eauhner

      (Google Black Mask. And see why he's groveling)
      Last edited by Tama; 12-16-2014, 05:46 AM.
      My Guide to Oblivion

      "I resent the implication that I've gone mad, Sprocket."

      Comment


      • Dear Mr. Eauhner,

        I will check out this group. Then we'll go from there.

        Sincerely,

        Black Mask



        Dear Grocery Store Manager,

        Where do you get off allowing the checkers to leave their registers to do various tasks? They need to stay in their registers at all times so customers don't have to wait. I demand you force the checkers to stay in their registers or fire them. If you don't, I will shoplift from your store.

        Sincerely,

        Donna Wanda Wait
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        Comment


        • Dear Mrs. Wait,

          This is Christmas, our busiest and most profitable time. We only have one hourly here at The Little Shop of Horrors at any given shift, so of course he's going to have to stop, drop, and do other work. But you're right. He should've been attentive to you and the long line behind him instead of wasting his time trying to get a little boy out of the cart return machine the child stuck his fingers in.

          But now that you mention it, loss prevention will also become one of our employee's duties.

          Please accept this gift card for 1,000 dollars worth of store credit and we hope that you come back again soon. Our employee will be written up for his dereliction of duty.

          Signed

          Miss Manager, Manager 85 of 1,000 in the corporate chain here at The Little Shop of Horrors.

          ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

          Dear Blue-Hoo Superstores,

          I was driving along your store using one of your electric carts. Do you know just how narrow you make those aisle? Well, as I was race . . . er, driving along, shopping through your store for hours and minding my own business with my best friends in our club, where we get electric carts and race . . . shop for hours, one of your dreadful employees had the nerve to set up a ladder in the middle of an aisle.

          He seemed to be the only employee you had in the store at the time, and when I ordered him to come down, he said some banshee from corporate had swooped in and demanded that everything be dropped to hang up a Happy Thanksgiving banner. What's he doing hanging that banner up for? It's almost Christmas!
          He had the nerve to say he asked that same question, but when corporate wants something, they always get it. That's why he's the only one left working.
          Well, since he refused to get down off the ladder for fear of being caught by the corporate banshee, and because a couple of the others had bypassed me already, I just backed up and zoomed on past him!
          But I rammed into the ladder, and down came the ladder, that useless employee, and all the toilet paper displayed on the highest shelf. Some of that toilet paper even hit me on the head!

          I demand that I be given a special electric cart all for my own use, with rockets, and that I be given a head start each time my friends and I start our game. And that that worthless employee be fired! And, that I be given a million dollars.
          Otherwise, I will sue, along with going straight to the press that you allow toilet paper to fall on helpless old men!
          And if that doesn't work, we'll just take everything we've got in our carts and zoom out the door. It's not like you have anyone else working to stop us anyway.

          Signed,

          Mario Dale Patrick.
          Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

          Comment


          • Dear Mr. Patrick,

            The electric carts are not toys and the employee is in the hospital because of you. Therefore, the only thing you and your friends will be getting is a ban.

            Sincerely,

            R. Acer
            Store Manager



            Dear Salon Manager,

            I came into the salon for a haircut and your rude employee washed my hair before cutting it. Thanks to her, I came down with a cold because I went outside with wet hair and had to miss a day of work. I demand you tell employees to not wash hair unless the customer requests it. If you don't, I will come over with a pair of scissors and cut the hair of all the employees and customers that are in the shop.

            Sincerely,

            Mrs. Dryhair
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            Comment


            • Dear Mrs. Dryhair,

              My stylist had every right to wash your hair, as it obviously hadn't been washed in several weeks, and it's difficult to cut and style greasy, dirty hair properly. We will not be changing this policy.

              Enclosed is a coupon good for Rid lice treatment.

              Sincerely yours,
              Hedda Hair, owner,
              Curl Up & Dye salon

              * * * * *

              Dear Pastor Prime,

              How dare you tell lies to the congregation! Your sermon this morning about Christmas being about some brat born in a barn? Nonsense! Christmas is about ME! It always has been and always will be! My very name is proof of that! I am the reason for the season! You tell the congregation the truth next Sunday and make them worship me or I'll burn down the church with everyone in it!

              Sincerely,
              Mary Christmas-Freak
              Last edited by XCashier; 12-22-2014, 05:09 PM.
              I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
              My LiveJournal
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              Comment


              • Dear wannabe:

                You DO realize that I would NEVER do that! It's a good thing I intercepted your letter while I was guarding the church from sinners like you! I am a God-fearing Christmas-loving Christian; the Church is the only place where I would NEVER impose my will on others (though the parish banquet hall, on the other hand, is a totally different story)!

                You WILL burn in hell for impersonating me! I think I'll start with your lovely begonias and work up from there!

                Sincerely,

                The REAL Mary Christmas-Freak

                -----------------------------

                Dear ex-in-laws:

                My brother Lloyd and I would like to cordially invite you over to our house for Christmas dinner. We'll have the usual: Christmas turkey and vegetarian tofurky (made with real vegetarians), stuffing from that morbidly obese brat next door, "cranberry" sauce that's made from the blood of that cranky Mr. Berry across the street, and to top it all off, "pumpkin" pie, made from a cat named Pumpkin who almost scratched my face off!

                Carols and presents are mandatory, of course! If you can't afford presents, then about $5 million to help us flee the law would do.

                Please bring the requisite drama. It's a Christmas tradition to hear everyone bickering over a nice cup of eggnog, after all!

                Love,

                Mary Christmas-Freak
                cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                Enter Cindyland here!

                Comment


                • Dear Commissioner Gordon,

                  Mary is going to kill us, and now our pastor has told us about a copycat! That's all we need is two of them! This is getting out of hand, to put it mildly!

                  Send in the entire police force! Call in the Marines, if you can! HELP!

                  Sincerely,
                  The Freak Family

                  * * * * *

                  Dear ACME,

                  We recently ordered some tear gas, rubber bullets and tazers from your company. When we opened the boxes, the tear gas exploded and caused us to have to evacuate police headquarters.

                  I don't wish to be pushy, but we've got a real situation on our hands, and we can't use defective equipment. Either send us a proper replacement, or refund our money and give us the name and number of a company who can get us wheat we need!

                  Sincerely,
                  Commissioner Gordon
                  I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                  My LiveJournal
                  A page we can all agree with!

                  Comment


                  • Dear Commissioner Gordon

                    I hope you appreciate the joke, and I'm surprised you haven't yet shown symptoms from the toxin I included in the package.

                    I'll tell you what though, I'll give up my entire arsenal of weaponry, a stockpile more impressive than any world military's, if you will tell me who Batman really is.

                    Sincerely,
                    The Joker, new manager of ACME.

                    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Dear Lackluster Video Rentals,

                    My boys were allowed to rent several G-rated movies at your store this weekend so I could let them blissfully watch movies so I could spend the whole day cooking and cleaning without being bothered. But what did I hear when I came in to get something I'd left in the living room? What? One of the cartoon characters in the movie said a horrible, filthy, dirty word!

                    I was so disgusted, I turned the movie off right then and there, and one of my boys then said that word to me! To me! Well, I wasn't about to have that!

                    I demand that you edit all foul words out of your movies, especially the G-rated ones, you &*#!ing @%&# !#*&!ed !&#^#!ers

                    If you @&#*!ers can't be bothered to do it, I'll come to your store and I'll do it @&$*!ed self! I'm sure the entire *#%*$ community will thank me. They'll probably get on their @%$*&ing knees before me in thanks and gratitude for cleaning up this @&#$* *#&$&^@! @#*#%ing town!

                    And I want ten million dollars, to pay for my boys' $&#%* therapy bills, and my own @$&*@%ed pain and suffering! My boys never talked like that until I rented those movies from your store, but they sure as @$#*&% talk that way now! I'm out of soap washing their @&#$% mouths out, and I expect your @$#*%ing #$%$**&ed place to recompense me for that, too!

                    Signed

                    Mrs. Mora Lee Perfect.
                    Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                    Comment


                    • Dear Mrs. Perfect:

                      So you swear all the time, and yet you expect your sons to not do so?

                      You DO realize that they learn by watching you. So you only have yourself to blame for this.

                      Oh, and the horrible, filthy, dirty word that you said your sons heard and said to you? It was actually tame and clean compared to what you just wrote to me.

                      We will gladly pay for your sons' therapy, however, on the one condition that you stay away from them forever. I just put in a phone call to CPS.

                      Sincerely,

                      Lara Croft
                      Manager
                      Lackluster Video Rentals

                      -------------------------------

                      Dear Travel Agency:

                      After my ex-in-laws, ahem, politely declined (cough!) my offer to host Christmas dinner, my brother and I decided it would be best for us to celebrate Christmas overseas. Where would you recommend?

                      Unfortunately, for some reason, I was banned from going to the following locations: Paris, London, Milan, Rome, Hong Kong, all of Canada, etc. (I know, it's a long list, I have it attached with this letter).

                      So what's left? What country will take us? Please let it be one that celebrates Christmas, or I will have to enforce my high standards on any Scrooges or Grinches there!

                      Sincerely,

                      Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak
                      cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                      Enter Cindyland here!

                      Comment


                      • Dear Mrs. Christmas-Freak,

                        May I suggest the exciting city of Mogadishu, Somalia? I guarantee you'll have an unforgettable time there!

                        Sincerely,
                        Cy O'Nara
                        Lastditch Travel Agency

                        * * * * *

                        Dear International Airlines,

                        I wish to complain about the appalling service that my brother and I received on my flight to Mogadishu. The food was so horrible, I had to cut apart one of the flight attendants for dinner, but the kitchen on the airplane is completely inadequate for cooking such a large meal. Naturally, the other passengers agreed with me, if the screaming, shouting and frantic phone calls were any indication. Then to top it off, you had me arrested! You have violated my civil rights!

                        I demand compensation for my horrible trip! You will pay me $10,000,000 and bring the kitchens on the airplanes up to proper standard, or I will be making a personal visit to your headquarters.

                        Sincerely,
                        Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak
                        Last edited by XCashier; 12-24-2014, 02:49 AM.
                        I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                        My LiveJournal
                        A page we can all agree with!

                        Comment


                        • Dear Mrs. Freak,

                          Due to your killing of a flight attendant, we will not be flying you anywhere - nor will any other airline. The U.S. Air Force has heard of you, however, and has kindly agreed to provide a QC-135 for your flight out of Mogadishu. Please bear in mind that in order to prevent any unfortunate incidents this aircraft carries no flight crew, and is operated by remote control. Don't be alarmed by the fighter aircraft near you - they will be taking part in an exercise in which your aircraft will play a key role.

                          Sincerely,
                          Mr. Fee Gouger
                          CEO, International Airlines

                          ---------------------------------------

                          Dear Denny's,

                          As a frequent customer, I have tried a number of your entrees, most of which are excellent. The honey garlic shrimp had lavish quantities of honey and garlic, and the lemon pepper chicken was well-seasoned with the flavourings in its name.

                          On the other hand, your pot roast was a disappointment, clearly missing a key ingredient. This is a disturbing trend among many companies - just the other day, my friend Willie the Wino found that Hostess Ripple Chips don't contain any ripple.

                          I request that you correct your pot roast recipe by including the missing ingredient. If you don't do this, I will go elsewhere when I get the munchies.

                          Sincerely,
                          A. Jing Hippie
                          Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

                          Comment


                          • Dear Mr. Hippie:

                            May I suggest a marijuana restaurant instead?

                            Sincerely,

                            Carol Hope
                            Manager
                            Denny's

                            ------------------------------------------

                            Dear Family:

                            My brother and I are safe. We have decided to go into hiding in the jungles of Africa, where, to my delight, I have finally found people who understand me!

                            The tribal chief promoted Lloyd to second-in-command, and I am slated to marry his son. We just barbecued the chief's last Western-loving wife with the help of his mother, and she made a scrumptious Christmas feast!

                            I have to admit, it was quite unusual, though. There weren't enough ingredients for cookies, so we made a nice bowl of soup from the woman's bones for the children to give to Santa.

                            I think we're going to love it here. I'm already pregnant, and I'm hoping that little Mary (or Murray if a boy) Christmas will appreciate the holidays as much as I do!

                            Love,

                            Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak
                            cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                            Enter Cindyland here!

                            Comment


                            • Dear Mrs. Freak,

                              Glad to hear that. Don't come back to the US and your belongings are being sent.

                              Sincerely,

                              Commissioner Gordon



                              Dear Theatre Manager,

                              I went to see a movie that a friend recommended. However, I was offended that the film was in a foreign language with subtitles. I demand you make the filming company keep the foreign films in their own country. If you don't, I will come in with a bucket of butter and dump it on your popcorn and then set fire to the screen that showed the offending movie.

                              Sincerely,

                              Ann T. Foreignfilm
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                              Comment


                              • Dear Mrs. Foreignfilm,

                                They referred your letter to me. Firstly, you should understand that I own that theater. It is an experimental theater that plays the most wonderful movies in the world - movies I star in. And I just love to learn new languages and try them out. Plus, movies spoken in the languages of the places where the plots take place are so romantic, as I discovered when I first did a French romance film in France. Oh, I wish you'd been there.

                                In fact, I think I'm going to cast you as an extra in one of my movies. I've been looking for a someone to play the role of the ugly American who can't believe herself. You'll be perfect!

                                Signed,

                                Diva R. Sity, world-famous actress and, in time, master of all known languages including Klingon!

                                -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                Dear Craft a Kitty,

                                I went to your store with my son, who is very in to horror movies. But we were treated horribly by the other parents there and your staff did absolutely nothing! So what if my son wanted to create Freddy Clawger? So what if he did beat the other children to the best parts, or stretch out one of the claws? Or snatch the red dye out of a little girl's hand? Or grab another little girl's Angel Cat and ram it with those elongated claws?

                                In fact, those shoddy claws broke and, in trying to remove them from the Angel Cat, my son's cat fell apart while the angel seemed more or less unscathed except for the claws stuck in her!

                                And then the mothers, and one grandmother and one homosexual father, all had the nerve to start demanding I leave, start insulting me! The homosexual had the nerve to criticize my fathering skills. Of all the cheek! He was allowed to make Drag Queen Racer Cat and nobody was nasty to him about it! One woman even helped his daughter with the makeup!

                                But me! My son was treated horribly! After he stomped on one girl's cat, she squirted purple dye in his face! And the other parents demanded I leave the store. The old grandmother even beat me with her purse!

                                And what did your staff do about it? Gave some of those people gift cards! They didn't help me, or my son, at all! In fact, one of your cashiers dared to ask me to leave! Me! Me!

                                I demand that you allow my son and I to come in for the entire day, without letting anyone else in! And that you fire every employee you had working on that day! And that you give me a trillion dollars!

                                If you refuse, I'll come in and renact the world's best horror movies, on all of your cat dolls. Shall we start with Jaws, Dawn of the Dead, or would you just prefer Halloween?

                                Signed

                                Mr. Com Plete Nightmare & Son, Entitled Nightmare
                                Last edited by Kristev; 12-26-2014, 11:04 PM.
                                Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

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