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Nascar Jammies!
Oh man....
Counter-Intelligence
American Citizen(tm) calls embassy for assistance. He was very clear on the point that he was an American Citizen(tm). Apparently American Citizen(tm) was allegedly locked out of his rat infested east side hotel room by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service who, according to him, control all of the hotels on the east side like some sort of secret agent scumlord ring. When informed this wasn't something I could assist him with ( As I lack the nessacary PHD ) he vowed to "report me" and told me in no uncertain terms what I could go do with myself. Sadly he hung up before I could pleasantly encourage him to peruse whatever channels he felt necessary to have me fired and/or incarcerated by Homeland Security.
I hope Gitmo has a pool.
Not to be outdone by his countrymen...
If you are an American citizen traveling abroad and your passport is seized by the local authorities ( For molesting farm yard animals or some such ) do you:
A) Plead innocent. The goat was legal age of consent.
B) Contact the US Embassy in that country for assistance.
C) Forge yourself a fake replacement passport then attempt to re-enter the US via Canada.
If you guessed C, you may be currently stuck at YVR with your pants down waiting for Officer Coldhands to finish pulling his latex gloves on.
Epicenter
Me: "Our travel agents arrive at 8am pacific."
SC: "What's that in regular time?"
Oh, sorry. I wasn't aware you were calling from the center of the universe. I apologize for my rudeness in daring to offer you our business hours in the format of an insignificant freak of a timezone such as Pacific. I should have noticed the gravitational pull that indicated that myself and the rest of the world were, in fact, revolving around your grossly inflated self importance. Again, my sincere apologies. Please resume masturbating your ego while you cram down that breakfast burrito.
I Thought I Warned You...
SC: "My car is stuck in the park-"
Did you just try to leap the fence into my responsibility from your personal responsibility? Didn't I warn you about this yesterday? I will not tolerate any sort of intrusions into my responsibility. I must revise my previous threat of mailing your remains to surviving family members. I regret to inform you that this time you will simply be stripped naked, rubbed down with a piece of raw chicken and locked in a room with several large dogs that we have "forgotten" to feed for the past 3 days. After the dogs have been satiated, our highly trained border patrol will follow them around with plastic bags for a few days to collect your remains. *Then* we will mail them to your surviving family members.
Don't worry we will be employing Gladlock products to ensure freshness upon arrival.
Real Estate
I'm not sure what level of "pathetically lonely" you have to achieve in order to get liquored up and call your real estate agent repeatedly at 3 am but:
Round 1:
Caller informed me to inform her agent to "Get off his ass and find me a house!". But also mentioned she already had a house. I assume she requires a second in which to store her shatter hopes and broken dreams.
Round 2:
Caller reaffirmed her previous statements and began ranting about paying $12,000 in rent or something in her own home. I'm not sure I wasn't paying much attention for fear doing so would somehow reduce my own mental facilities.
Round 3:
Caller didn't believe me when I told her she had already given me her name and number in the first call. Caller referred to me as a "whippersnapper" and warned me not to "get smart" with her. I assume because that by doing so I would somehow endanger her life like sunlight to a vampire.
Round 4:
Because I was politely attempting to deter her from giving me the exact same drunken rant for a 4th time I was instead lectured about my complete lack of compassion and informed as to why she deserves my sympathy. Sadly this attempt failed as by now my sympathy had already driven to a secluded location, walked into the woods and slowly sawed into its own throat with a butter knife while humming the Carebear Countdown.
........
While I'm sure it was a perfectly legitimate call considering the account ( a medical lab ), it doesn't change the fact a guy just asked me if I can could come pick up his semen.
I really have no punch line here. There's just not much I can say to follow that up.
Doublecheck
SC: "I have a scheduled roof replacement scheduled."
Really? Are you sure? Maybe you should double check your schedule just to be on the safe side.
Death To America ( Yet again )
SC: "Death to the narco-terrorist American drug czars blah blah I have a small penis and blame America blah blah""
Me: "Good morning!"
SC: "(&@#$ YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!$"
Me: "Seriously, can't you just go drive down to the border and throw rocks or something?"
SC: "()*@$)!! <click>"
I take what amusement I can get.
....and again 5 seconds later because this man *hates* me.
SC: "&*(&@$ Death! &$*&@*&$@$&"
Me: "Ah yes, hello again."
SC: "$@%@^^ YOU @($*@%* PENIS. SMALL. RAGE. %*@%@"
Me: "Yes, yes. La la la lala~"
SC: "*(@$% you and (&$@ your children and $@*&% your old lady and $*@%^ your grandparents and your-"
Me: "Wow, you're branching out!"
SC: "$@%)@&! <click>
This man is going to find me and kill me with his bare hands one day. I'll be in line at 7/11 and the guy behind me suddenly go "Hey wait, you sound famili-....YOU!%" then strangle me to death with his Twizzlers.
God I love the Skytrain
This evening on the Skytrain, at Broadway station of course, a fine gentleman got on the Skytrain wearing what appeared to be a trench coat over neon orange pajamas. He stumbled on, plopped himself down next to 3 people who were talking amongst themselves and began ranting ( in a voice that like the bellow of Satan himself I might add ) about how Bobby Orr was a better hockey player then Wayne Gretsky. No "pardon me", no set up, not even a clever segway. Just right into insane hockey ranting. They looked at him like he head three heads for a minute. Then one of them attempt to discuss Wayne Gretzy with him and was promptly shouted down by the guy's raving lunacy + Bobby Orr's stats. At one point he got on his knees on the floor and began attempting to demonstrate goalies trying to stop Bobby Orr.
One of them tried a different approach: Mocking his pajamas.
"Dude, I like your pants."
"Yeah! They're Nascar pajamas!"
Yes, that’s right. He's wearing an open trench coat over neon orange Nascar pajamas and ranting about Bobby Orr. I can only echo what one of the three said when the guy finally got off at Main Street:
"God I love the Skytrain."
PS. The wasps are gone!
Day 3-4: Complete.
Counter-Intelligence
American Citizen(tm) calls embassy for assistance. He was very clear on the point that he was an American Citizen(tm). Apparently American Citizen(tm) was allegedly locked out of his rat infested east side hotel room by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service who, according to him, control all of the hotels on the east side like some sort of secret agent scumlord ring. When informed this wasn't something I could assist him with ( As I lack the nessacary PHD ) he vowed to "report me" and told me in no uncertain terms what I could go do with myself. Sadly he hung up before I could pleasantly encourage him to peruse whatever channels he felt necessary to have me fired and/or incarcerated by Homeland Security.
I hope Gitmo has a pool.
Not to be outdone by his countrymen...
If you are an American citizen traveling abroad and your passport is seized by the local authorities ( For molesting farm yard animals or some such ) do you:
A) Plead innocent. The goat was legal age of consent.
B) Contact the US Embassy in that country for assistance.
C) Forge yourself a fake replacement passport then attempt to re-enter the US via Canada.
If you guessed C, you may be currently stuck at YVR with your pants down waiting for Officer Coldhands to finish pulling his latex gloves on.
Epicenter
Me: "Our travel agents arrive at 8am pacific."
SC: "What's that in regular time?"
Oh, sorry. I wasn't aware you were calling from the center of the universe. I apologize for my rudeness in daring to offer you our business hours in the format of an insignificant freak of a timezone such as Pacific. I should have noticed the gravitational pull that indicated that myself and the rest of the world were, in fact, revolving around your grossly inflated self importance. Again, my sincere apologies. Please resume masturbating your ego while you cram down that breakfast burrito.
I Thought I Warned You...
SC: "My car is stuck in the park-"
Did you just try to leap the fence into my responsibility from your personal responsibility? Didn't I warn you about this yesterday? I will not tolerate any sort of intrusions into my responsibility. I must revise my previous threat of mailing your remains to surviving family members. I regret to inform you that this time you will simply be stripped naked, rubbed down with a piece of raw chicken and locked in a room with several large dogs that we have "forgotten" to feed for the past 3 days. After the dogs have been satiated, our highly trained border patrol will follow them around with plastic bags for a few days to collect your remains. *Then* we will mail them to your surviving family members.
Don't worry we will be employing Gladlock products to ensure freshness upon arrival.
Real Estate
I'm not sure what level of "pathetically lonely" you have to achieve in order to get liquored up and call your real estate agent repeatedly at 3 am but:
Round 1:
Caller informed me to inform her agent to "Get off his ass and find me a house!". But also mentioned she already had a house. I assume she requires a second in which to store her shatter hopes and broken dreams.
Round 2:
Caller reaffirmed her previous statements and began ranting about paying $12,000 in rent or something in her own home. I'm not sure I wasn't paying much attention for fear doing so would somehow reduce my own mental facilities.
Round 3:
Caller didn't believe me when I told her she had already given me her name and number in the first call. Caller referred to me as a "whippersnapper" and warned me not to "get smart" with her. I assume because that by doing so I would somehow endanger her life like sunlight to a vampire.
Round 4:
Because I was politely attempting to deter her from giving me the exact same drunken rant for a 4th time I was instead lectured about my complete lack of compassion and informed as to why she deserves my sympathy. Sadly this attempt failed as by now my sympathy had already driven to a secluded location, walked into the woods and slowly sawed into its own throat with a butter knife while humming the Carebear Countdown.
........
While I'm sure it was a perfectly legitimate call considering the account ( a medical lab ), it doesn't change the fact a guy just asked me if I can could come pick up his semen.
I really have no punch line here. There's just not much I can say to follow that up.
Doublecheck
SC: "I have a scheduled roof replacement scheduled."
Really? Are you sure? Maybe you should double check your schedule just to be on the safe side.
Death To America ( Yet again )
SC: "Death to the narco-terrorist American drug czars blah blah I have a small penis and blame America blah blah""
Me: "Good morning!"
SC: "(&@#$ YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!$"
Me: "Seriously, can't you just go drive down to the border and throw rocks or something?"
SC: "()*@$)!! <click>"
I take what amusement I can get.
....and again 5 seconds later because this man *hates* me.
SC: "&*(&@$ Death! &$*&@*&$@$&"
Me: "Ah yes, hello again."
SC: "$@%@^^ YOU @($*@%* PENIS. SMALL. RAGE. %*@%@"
Me: "Yes, yes. La la la lala~"
SC: "*(@$% you and (&$@ your children and $@*&% your old lady and $*@%^ your grandparents and your-"
Me: "Wow, you're branching out!"
SC: "$@%)@&! <click>
This man is going to find me and kill me with his bare hands one day. I'll be in line at 7/11 and the guy behind me suddenly go "Hey wait, you sound famili-....YOU!%" then strangle me to death with his Twizzlers.
God I love the Skytrain
This evening on the Skytrain, at Broadway station of course, a fine gentleman got on the Skytrain wearing what appeared to be a trench coat over neon orange pajamas. He stumbled on, plopped himself down next to 3 people who were talking amongst themselves and began ranting ( in a voice that like the bellow of Satan himself I might add ) about how Bobby Orr was a better hockey player then Wayne Gretsky. No "pardon me", no set up, not even a clever segway. Just right into insane hockey ranting. They looked at him like he head three heads for a minute. Then one of them attempt to discuss Wayne Gretzy with him and was promptly shouted down by the guy's raving lunacy + Bobby Orr's stats. At one point he got on his knees on the floor and began attempting to demonstrate goalies trying to stop Bobby Orr.
One of them tried a different approach: Mocking his pajamas.
"Dude, I like your pants."
"Yeah! They're Nascar pajamas!"
Yes, that’s right. He's wearing an open trench coat over neon orange Nascar pajamas and ranting about Bobby Orr. I can only echo what one of the three said when the guy finally got off at Main Street:
"God I love the Skytrain."
PS. The wasps are gone!
Day 3-4: Complete.
Too bad I live 3004 miles away 
Ah, well, I'm too old for him anyway <sigh>
"
Seriously, what is that?
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