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  • #1

    Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

    If you've ever read MAD magazine (I was a big fan at one time), you'll know that "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" is a regular feature. Wouldn't it be great if we could do that at work? Since we can't, let's play here! I'll start.

    Our store has a loyalty card. The card clearly states that ten stamps is good for one free small yogurt with toppings. Today a girl walked in brandishing a full loyalty card and asked, "What is this good for?" In keeping with the spirit of MAD, I have three answers to that:

    1) "A free pizza. Go to the place across the street to claim your prize."

    2) "I have no idea, but the card seems to be covered in strange cryptic squiggles. If only we could decipher them!"

    3) "A clue as to why you look fat in those jeans?"

    Okay, so I'm not a comedy writer Let's see you do better!
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  • #2
    A sadly common one in my line of business....

    "Can we get drinks here?"

    1. No, all these bottles of liquor are merely for decoration.

    2. No, this is an art gallery cleverly disguised as a bar.

    3. No, all these people sitting around drinking are part of a special class studying the effects of the tropical sun on stupid people. Thank you for your participation.

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is     Still A Customer."

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    • #3
      "Do you have a photocopier?"

      No, we like to sell the books.

      (True story: My coworker actually said this. )
      I don't go in for ancient wisdom
      I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
      It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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      • #4
        "How much is that ten dollar ad?"
        "A hundred bucks."

        Yep, people have actually asked that question, and that's what I would like to say. I usually just say "Ten dollars" in a very deadpan voice.
        When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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        • #5
          Probably the snappiest comeback I've ever heard was said by a former coworker of mine, and it was something even *I* wouldn't say. (Think about that for just a moment. Yeah.....)

          It was Fantasy Fest. The place was packed. The roof deck was so packed that if any more people went up there, it would be violating fire codes. We knew this because we had just been informed this by the fire marshal. So management took The Wall from behind the bar and stationed him at the bottom of the stairs, to prevent more people from going up there. One lady in particular objected to this, and even after having the situation explained to her, continued to give The Wall shit. Finally The Wall had had enough of this, and blurted out, "Look lady, I don't come to your job and smack the dick out of your mouth, do I?"

          She didn't say another word.

          One of my nicer coworkers had a great comeback as well.

          Once again, it was Fantasy Fest, so the place was overflowing. A grandmotherly type ordered a bunch of drinks, and Nice Guy Eddie served them to her, and told her, "That'll be $26.50." She lifted her shirt to expose her breasts, and asked, "NOW how much are they?"

          Nice Guy Eddie: "$26.50."



          And one of my personal favorites is a common one at my place.

          CUSTOMER: "You guys have an upstairs?"
          JESTER: "Yep."
          CUSTOMER: "How do we get there?"
          JESTER: "Go up the stairs."

          "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is           Still A Customer."

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          • #6
            MANY MANY times after answering THE PHONE "Thank you for calling X Street <pizza place>" having the person on the other end ask:

            DO YOU GUYS SELL PIZZA?????
            NO you dustbunny for brains we only sell flattened road kill. WOULD you like some extra used motor oil on that tonight or just the usual squishy bits????
            I'm lost without a paddle and headed up SH*T creek.
            -- Life Sucks Then You Die.

            "I'll believe corp. are people when Texas executes one."

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            • #7
              (At the scene of a multiple car accident)

              "What happened?!"

              PARAMEDIC: Shark attack!

              (At a city wide marathon, with the temperature in the high Farenheit 90s, and runners dropping like flies from heat exhaustion)

              "What happened?!"

              PARAMEDIC: Shark attack!

              (At a shark attack)

              "What happened?!"

              PARAMEDIC: Plane crash!

              (At the scene of a robbery gone bad with multiple gunshot victims)

              EMERGENCY BYSTANDER PHYSICIAN: "I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor!"

              PARAMEDIC: Hi, Doc! Let me guess, you're a gynecologist, right? Oh, a dermatologist?

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