My Grandmother is Driving Me Crazy

[Victory Sabre]

Concerning the money issues - you might want to consider getting power of attorney over her finances, so scam artists don't steal all she's worked for over the years.

I lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's disease and it was a, fairly, quick process. The last time I saw her (and I'll always regret that it was the last time), I asked her if she wanted to play cards. She loved playing cards, but she told me she didn't want to. I thought that was a bit odd, but brushed it off. A year later she was diagnosed. 3 years later she was gone. She made it to 96, but the last 4 the person I knew, and loved, was no longer there.

[Moosenogger]

Doesn't matter is she wants it or not, if she needs it, it's the responsibility of the family to make sure she gets the appropriate level of care.

We're waiting for the ball to drop, basically. I can stay with my grandmother for now, since I don't have a full time job. However, once I get one, we'll have to make the decisions about whether we'll get her a live-in nurse/attendant, or if we'll have to force her into a nursing home. I'm really not looking forward to that time, since my mother will take the brunt of the stress and anger from my grandmother. I think my mother is putting off the nursing home issue until it absolutely must be done, simply because she's not looking forward to dealing with the fall out.

Check what medications she is taking, and if there are any potential interactions (Pharmacists can help with this).

The memory loss has been gradual over the past 2 years or so, so I don't think it's her medications. My mother would know more about that than I would. I'll talk to her about it.

Concerning the money issues - you might want to consider getting power of attorney over her finances, so scam artists don't steal all she's worked for over the years.

My mother has power of attorney over my grandmother's finances already. That was one of the main reasons she got it - scammers were constantly calling my grandmother and coming to her door, asking for money. Actually, my mother flat out told the air conditioning scammers that she had power of attorney, so the contract was null and void, anyway (my grandmother can't legally sign a contract by herself). The company didn't give a shit, so we had to hire an attorney to MAKE them give a shit.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, I second and third that. Both on the power of attorney and the HIPPA thing. Someone probably needs to go in with her on her doctor's appointments and paperwork will need to be filed for that.

[MoonCat]

First, she has to be medically evaluated. I second the advice about checking her medications, if she's on anything. There are some things elderly people shouldn't take, or sometimes they are just on too many things and the meds are messing up their cognitive abilities.

Also, have her doctor check to see if she might have a urinary tract infection. Believe it or not, those can cause dementia-type symptoms in elderly women.

Last, if she does have to move to a nursing home (it sounds likely), remember that after a while she may not understand that she is in one, which, while sad, does make it a little easier for her and for you. The mother of one of my co-workers lives in a nursing home. Her mom just considers it her "apartment" and the other people there have become her second family. The residents often become very close and really care about each other.

[unperson]

Get thee to the military!

>My grandmother has AMAZING insurance through the U.S. military

If your grandmom has military coverage, she probably also has access to the huge number of services they offer; while this won't change the underlying situation, if she's former military - or a military spouse - having someone in uniform emphasize the importance of having a caregiver (and the impact on your and your family of not having one) to her might help.

[Seshat]

if she's former military - or a military spouse - having someone in uniform emphasize the importance of having a caregiver (and the impact on your and your family of not having one) to her might help.

Oooh. That's a really good point. And Legacy (the Australian military's 'family-support/elder-support' group) makes sure it's the friendly, helpful personalities who do the family contact.

[saint]

I worked several years at an Alzheimer care facility as a caregiver/med-aide for over 40 residents. I've dealt with residents who are in the very beginning stages of dementia, all the way to end of life care, as well as grief support / family support for the residents' families.

I would definitely go through their VA and get her diagnosis through them. Once she is diagnosed you'll have an easier time either finding a live-in caregiver or Alzheimer ward that they will pay for, or pay a portion of.

Senior Services can also help give you a lot of pointers on how to go about getting her care and the process.

She sounds like she has a very limited amount of time until she will need 24/7 type of care. There are also medications now that can improve her cognition and slow the progression of the disease, all the more reason to get her diagnosed.

Also, the incident with the heater is only the beginning. They forget to turn off the stove, coffee pot, etc as they get more advanced.

Memories define us. Define our personalities, our fears, everything. And people with Alzheimers lose that. they lose everything they were. How terrifying would it be for you if you were slowly forgetting everyones faces and names? If you looked at someone you knew for 50 yrs and couldn't remember their name? I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a family member get upset and leave because their mom didn't remember their name anymore, only to walk back and find the resident upset as well becuase they know they should know that person, but cant recall it from memory.

Breathe, understand that nothing she is doing is to hurt you, or frustrate you. They can read you very easily. if you're mad, they will pick up on it, but wont understand why you are mad. It can be just as frustrating and scary for her, as it is for you.

If you need any tips on making her house safer for her while you are gone, or have any questions, or need help dealing with certain behaviors, please PM me. I'll help you any way I can.

[protege]

Memories define us. Define our personalities, our fears, everything. And people with Alzheimers lose that. they lose everything they were. How terrifying would it be for you if you were slowly forgetting everyones faces and names? If you looked at someone you knew for 50 yrs and couldn't remember their name? I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a family member get upset and leave because their mom didn't remember their name anymore, only to walk back and find the resident upset as well becuase they know they should know that person, but cant recall it from memory.

That's what happened to my grandmother. She didn't have Alzheimer's, but by the time she turned 91-92, her mind was fried. Moving her from her house into a smaller apartment, and then into an assisted-living center...both in the space of a year...really didn't help things. She'd been in that house since about 1950.

Then the forgetting started. We think she had a small stroke either when she was in her apartment, or sometime when she was still at home. Just enough to mess with her. She would forget where things were, who some people were, and that Grandpa had been dead 20 years. Grandma would even forget what some family members looked like, especially if she hadn't seen them in awhile.

One Easter, she didn't recognize my mother. We were in the dining room, and she started asking me "who the woman was in the kitchen." When I said that was my mother, she looked sad. Her own daughter, and she didn't even recognize her. Granted, my mom has lost a ton of weight, but still.

Then she started having problems remembering what time it was. I can understand thinking that it's later than it really is. But, she went far beyond that--she would call my mom at 3 or 4am, in a tizzy because she didn't know where her husband was. She would call my mother, and occasionally, both of us...multiple times per night. By then, she was living in the nursing home, so my mom had her phone taken away. She had it set so the only people she could call... was the home's front desk.

It got really trying at times. We'd go to dinner, and within 5 minutes afterward, she would start bugging me to go eat. Some nights, she'd go on about that for an hour. I admit, while I was trying to drive her back to the home, I was actually thinking about wrapping the car around a pole, just to shut her up. I'd never do that, but having to listen to her drone on...was tiring. Plus, it was frustrating as hell to be constantly answering the same question.

One thing I'd like to stress, is that you can't *blame* them for it. It's not their fault. I was never mad at *Grandma* (how could I be?), but at what her condition was doing to her. It wasn't her fault, and I had to keep reminding myself that. She was probably scared as hell about what was happening to her, and that she couldn't do anything about it. Plus, even her weakened condition...she could probably still kick my ass. This was, a woman who survived a serious auto accident, after all

[trailerparkmedic]

If your grandmother doesn't have many medical issues beyond Alzheimers, and she can still do things like dress herself and use the bathroom on her own, assisted living might be an option. It's pricy but she'd have her own room, someone to cook meals, and someone to watch over her. The assisted living we put my father in law in had movie nights, day trips, that sort of thing.

[Sapphire Silk]

If your grandmother doesn't have many medical issues beyond Alzheimers, and she can still do things like dress herself and use the bathroom on her own, assisted living might be an option. It's pricy but she'd have her own room, someone to cook meals, and someone to watch over her. The assisted living we put my father in law in had movie nights, day trips, that sort of thing.

Quoted for truth. This is what Brother and I did with our mother last September. She has Alzheimer's. We knew something was wrong for a couple of years, but Mom would not go see the doctor, and quit taking her blood pressure medication. She threw me out of the house one day because she forgot I was coming (I had called her the week before, the day before, and that day to remind her). The next day she denied anything was wrong, and hung up on me when I tried to invite her to come to my neice's dance recital.

We tried getting Elder Services in to evaluate her, but Mom refused to cooperate. She refused to sign a Power of Attorney.

Things came to a head when she got a UTI, and was wandering the neighborhood knocking on doors at midnight. She'd locked herself out of the house. She spent a week in the hospital, then we moved her into the Memory Care Unit of an assisted living place near with Brother lives. She is doing much much better, and we now have control over the finances.

When I stayed at Mom's house over the holidays, the phone rang non stop: scammers and charities trying to get money out of her. We looked at the check book; she'd been writing checks to some rather dodgy people. We were able to put a stop to it, but since the numbers were so low on the checks ($30 typically) we aren't trying to get the money back.

Putting Mom in AL was the best thing we could have done for her.