Work Fantasies

[Food Lady]

What kinds of things do you fantasize about doing? I mean things you wouldn't do because they'd get you fired or be harmful.

For me a frequent one is having a really jerky customer and being in the middle of the transaction so that I could void it all out, sign out of the register, and walk silently to the timeclock and clock out, thereby quitting. The SC would be stuck there needing to find someone else to re-ring the entire thing. Bonus points if there were perishable foods.

Another is having some jerk get angry about one of my med issues and being pointed to HR, only to be told that it can't be discussed legally with the sucktomer. HIPPA for the win.

[taxguykarl]

Having a control panel like a James Bond villian. One button immediately summons an IRS agent to haul of the tax scammers. One would summon local police or security for other SC's.

[retro]

I used to work the rail enquiries line a long time ago and gave out information about train journeys and fares, along with how to book tickets.

I always swore on my last day that I'd send people everywhere. I never did of course because I'm too nice but I used to joke to my colleagues that a call would go something like this.

"A train from London to Birmingham? Sure thing. You get the train from Kings Cross to Edinburgh... yes that's right, there's no direct route... then you'd have to get a connection to Glasgow to go to Liverpool. From there, you get the ferry to Belfast and pick up a train to Cork. Get a bus from there to the ferry port and cross over to Swansea before picking up a train to Cardiff where you'll get a direct train to Birmingham.

Shouldn't take you much more than four days..."

I stress - I NEVER DID IT but I always wanted to.

[cindybubbles]

I used to fantasize about running into a busy street just to get away from the demands of work. That's how bad it was for me.

Good thing that I never did it. I DID jaywalk to work, however, but I was ALWAYS very careful and looking both ways before I crossed.

[SimonF12009]

tasers to deal with SCs'

[notalwaysright]

You mean other than simply enforcing policy? That would be satisfying. Kicking out non-service animals, for example.

Other things... Making people pre-pay for fabric is an ultimate dream of mine. No cutting until it's paid for, end of story. Why? Because so many people proceed to steal it, or abandon it in an aisle. Another is somehow making people pay when they do something which is a time waster. Picked up an item and dropped it in a completely different part of the store? They would have a tiny little charge for that. It would also be great for perishable items. Oh, decided against those ice cream bars and dropped them in the soup aisle where they melted? You are automatically charged for them.

My dreams are big and unattainable.

[Trixie]

I guess about the most harmless thing is for someone who's ranting and raving to just slam my hands on the counter and tell them to knock it off. Or maybe just a smack to the back of the head with a "Knock it off!"

One time we had this off, off brand of tuna and this woman brought up a bunch of cans that had the label falling off. Okay, it's kind of annoying I guess but we're still going to sell them because there's nothing wrong with the product. Slap some tape on the can and they're good to go. Around the same time we were selling these foam toy tools. So now when things are going especially foul I just picture myself throwing cans of tuna at the customer and chasing them out of the store with a foam hammer.

[Peppergirl]

Hey guys!

Very cool thread, I like.

Have fun with your work fantasies (wow, that sounds dirty! ) but please remember our rule about violence, m-kay?

Thanks!

[prjkt]

You mean other than simply enforcing policy? That would be satisfying. Kicking out non-service animals, for example.

I used to be able to do that

My most refrained-from-actually-saying-phrase would have been, "Open your eyes before you open your mouth"

[mathnerd]

Mine is pretty tame, but when working for MajorBank, I often wanted to shout at customers who couldn't understand basic things like simple interest or the general principle of debits and credits, something to the effect of, "And this is why we make you take math in school. And you said you'd never use it in real life.", or something like that.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

We used to have a board in the lunch room, titled 'Some of our customers have...' with two sides, 'no idea' and 'a point'. The customer comment cards would be split between the sides for us to read. I always wanted every place to have this board, out where the customers can read them. Some of the bad ones are hilarious, and the well thought ones I would want the opportunity to add a me too to if I liked the idea the customer had.

[mathnerd]

My father used to work in the top tier of technical support for the switching offices for the big phone company in the Southeastern US. They didn't work with actual customers, but when the techs in the switching offices had issues, and after it had been escalated through several other levels of support, the trouble landed with Dad's group. Some of the "troubles" were actually easy fixes that got missed on a regular basis. So regular, in fact, that they had a board with those troubles written on the board in a numbered list. When one of those tickets came in, somebody would shout "We got a number 11 (or whatever number), who wants it?" They were forced to take it down when the CEO, who's office was a mere five floors above theirs, happened to be touring the floor when somebody shouted that phrase. Ooops.

[MoonCat]

Cool thread

Frankly, I'd love to tell a nasty customer "F*ck you" and hang up. A CW and I used to joke that we'd do this on our last day before retirement.

I'd also love to tell certain higher-ups exactly what I think of them. After all, they feel free to tell us how little respect they have for us, so why shouldn't I be able to do the same? I probably wouldn't though. If I could afford to quit, I'd just go. I'd be out the door so fast my chair would still be spinning when I hit the street.

[XCashier]

What I'd love to do at work:

1. Close the store down for a day, bring everybody in and completely clean, restock, and straighten everything. No customers to interrupt or mess up what we just straightened. Just us employees and managers, making the place look good and enjoying each other's company. We'd have a nice catered lunch (or even just pizza) halfway through. We'll clock out when we're finished or at eight hours, whichever comes first (with eight customer-free hours, we should get at least 90% done). Then head off to a nice pub to wind down.

2. "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone." I would love to be able to enforce that rule without Corporate flipping out over it. I would only save it for the worst SCs, but boy oh boy, I would enjoy making an example of them! Set up cameras, film their nasty behavior, then show it on big screens set up everywhere in the store so all of the customers get to see what assholes the SCs are. A good public shaming should get many of them back in line. And if it doesn't, I'll post the videos on YouTube and really show the world what we put up with.

3. For the absolute worst of the absolute worst, who will not respond to public shaming, set up a pillory, lock them in it, and we can throw garbage at them all day.

[wolfie]

For the absolute worst of the absolute worst, who will not respond to public shaming, set up a pillory, lock them in it, and we can throw garbage at them all day.

Don't you hate it when customers toss "loaded" diapers in the trash without making any attempt to contain the mess?