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Ladies and gentlemen, I've called you to this thread today to discuss a grave threat to our nation's standards of fashion and aesthetics. Yes, as we have long feared, it appears that the 1980's may, indeed, be coming back.
I base this statement on three separate sightings on a local college campus. The first was a young man wearing parachute pants, one leg of which was checkered in black and white, and the other of which had vertical black and white stripes. This young man had an expensive haircut and was visibly homosexual. He gave off shades of hipster, but did not appear to be wearing the pants ironically. He seemed to actually believe they looked good.
The second sighting was of a young black woman wearing acid-washed jeans. Like the young man, she too had an expensive haircut, and was wearing expensive jewelry and a nice blouse. The jeans were not worn ironically, and she gave off not even the merest whiff of hipster. She too apparently believed the jeans looked stylish.
The third sighting concerned an outbreak of women's flats in neon colors, following, quite literally, in the footsteps of the unfortunate trend of neon colors in men's shoes. The last time shoes like this were seen, it was on the late 80's/early 90's television show Saved by the Bell.
This can only mean that the infection has spread far faster and more widely than even our worst long-range forecasts predicted. We've had reports of 80's fashions sighted in New York and Los Angeles, as expected, but to see them in a remote corner of Appalachia this early may mean that the battle is already lost. We may be seeing the start of a global pandemic, and it may only be a matter of time before we see the return of big hair, feathered bangs, mullets, and a re-infiltration of shoulder pads into women's fashion. Our gravest fear is the return of the fanny pack.
But, my friends, is all hope lost? I say no! I say we can stand and fight! Together, we can face this threat and quash it! But we must plan, and we must strategize. We faced the return of the 70's, and endured years of bell bottomed jeans, but we overcame. We have faced the rise of the hipsters and the deluge of irony, but we are overcoming. Surely we can meet this new threat head-on.
But how, ladies and gentlemen? How?
I base this statement on three separate sightings on a local college campus. The first was a young man wearing parachute pants, one leg of which was checkered in black and white, and the other of which had vertical black and white stripes. This young man had an expensive haircut and was visibly homosexual. He gave off shades of hipster, but did not appear to be wearing the pants ironically. He seemed to actually believe they looked good.
The second sighting was of a young black woman wearing acid-washed jeans. Like the young man, she too had an expensive haircut, and was wearing expensive jewelry and a nice blouse. The jeans were not worn ironically, and she gave off not even the merest whiff of hipster. She too apparently believed the jeans looked stylish.
The third sighting concerned an outbreak of women's flats in neon colors, following, quite literally, in the footsteps of the unfortunate trend of neon colors in men's shoes. The last time shoes like this were seen, it was on the late 80's/early 90's television show Saved by the Bell.
This can only mean that the infection has spread far faster and more widely than even our worst long-range forecasts predicted. We've had reports of 80's fashions sighted in New York and Los Angeles, as expected, but to see them in a remote corner of Appalachia this early may mean that the battle is already lost. We may be seeing the start of a global pandemic, and it may only be a matter of time before we see the return of big hair, feathered bangs, mullets, and a re-infiltration of shoulder pads into women's fashion. Our gravest fear is the return of the fanny pack.
But, my friends, is all hope lost? I say no! I say we can stand and fight! Together, we can face this threat and quash it! But we must plan, and we must strategize. We faced the return of the 70's, and endured years of bell bottomed jeans, but we overcame. We have faced the rise of the hipsters and the deluge of irony, but we are overcoming. Surely we can meet this new threat head-on.
But how, ladies and gentlemen? How?
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