How to convince someone they don't need to pay for your help?

[ShinyGreenApple]

One of my coworkers lives just a couple of blocks from me. She lost her husband years ago and therefore doesn't really have anyone to help her with household chores like mowing, fix-it jobs, etc. She has bad knees and a spur in her foot so she can't get around all that well, either.

My Dad retired in April and now spends all of his time 'working' at home - grooming/spending time with the horses, fixing the fences, panting, etc. He is a workaholic and THRIVES on having physical labor to do. Drives Mom and I nuts sometimes, but if you ever need help with anything, he's right there. He's also a devout Christian and former preacher, so he feels it's his duty to help others and genuinely enjoys doing it. Shortly after he retired, I mentioned that Coworker's lawn was at least knee-high and she had no one to take care of it for her now that my nephew's moved away (he was her go-to lawn boy). So Dad started taking his riding mower over there every few weeks or so and cutting all four acres and still does now. Sometimes she does stop by on her days off and brings him cash, which he once saved up and used to take a road trip to see his family in WV. However, it's gotten to the point where every time I see CW at work, she tells me to please please please "Tell your dad I haven't forgotten about him, I've just been in an awful pinch with my finances." And she'll go on about what the latest horrible event has happened to put her in a pinch. No matter how much we tell her that he doesn't expect to be paid for the mowing and fix-its, she still feels really awful that he's doing all this stuff for free. The reason he does it is because he knows she doesn't have much and he wants to help her. But we're afraid it's just adding more stress because she feels like she has to pay him. On the other hand, he does NOT want her to have feet high grass in the summer when we've spotted so many snakes, or to have a hole in the floor/leak in the roof.

How can we convince her that she doesn't have to give him money and doesn't need to feel guilty about it?

[crazylegs]

Maybe get your Dad to suggest to her that seeing as he doesn't want the cash, but she wants to pay something then she donate (when funds allow) to a mutually acceptable charity? That way she is paying for it, you don't get stuck in the middle of her wanting to pay him and your Dad gets to help out.

[csquared]

Try telling her that she is doing you & your Mom a favor by getting him out of your hair for a couple of hours.

[CoffeeMonkey]

Does she cook or bake? Could you tell her that he really doesn't need money, but a loaf of bread, or some cookies or a casserole or something now and again would be welcome? You can bake a great loaf of crusty bread for less than a dollar.

Reciprocity is very important to some folks, especially if they feel they're being done a huge favor, or that they're taking advantage of someone's kindness if they don't pay it back. There are times when, even if you don't need or expect someone to pay you for something, you need to let them do it because they feel better for having done it than they do for having the money.

[Taurus52]

Take all 3 suggestions so far and wrap it into a "Pay It Forward" expression to her. Get her thinking of ways SHE CAN pay it forward!

[Lyse]

Yeah, I agree with the idea of reciprocating. If she has a hobby such as knitting or crochet, ask for something handmade, a dinner for your parents, just something that would make her feel that she is returning the favor that your father is doing.

[ShinyGreenApple]

By the time she's finished out a shift at work, she's exhausted, so she doesn't have much hobby time. Any hot meals she has are cooked by relatives or as a treat when someone takes her out. She admitted to me one time I was driving her home that she was going to push a piece of furniture against her front door (because the lock didn't work ) and go to sleep in her chair because it was more comfortable than her bed. It was really all she could do to stay awake on the ride from work to home.

[Pixilated]

All good suggestions, although I see that reciprocity is not really feasible in this case.

Try telling her that she is doing you & your Mom a favor by getting him out of your hair for a couple of hours.

This one is excellent and will not cost her any money or time -- and I'll bet your Dad will get a kick out of it. When my grandfather was in a seniors' apartment building, the cleaning ladies kept poking their heads in to ask if he needed help with the vacuuming or laundry or anything. He kept insisting he was fine. Finally one of them, shrewder than the rest, said, "We don't mean to bother you, but you know, if we don't have enough work, we could get laid off." His response: because, as someone who survived the Great Depression, this really resonated with him. After that they were more than welcome to come in and do day-to-day cleaning and his laundry. Sometimes it helps if people think they are helping you out, even when on the surface it's the other way around.

[Seshat]

Pixelated's point is excellent, and the story about Granddad is a beautiful one.

The other thing you can do is point out to your friend that everyone has rough patches in their lives, and eventually the rough patches pass. Society survives because we each help each other through the rough patches: you're sure she's helped others in the past, and that she'll help others in the future. You're just doing your share for 'now'.

But try the 'you're really doing us a favour' technique first. Keep the 'we help each other an your turn to help will come' technique for if the other one fails: I think the other one is more likely to work.

[bhskittykatt]

But try the 'you're really doing us a favour' technique first. Keep the 'we help each other an your turn to help will come' technique for if the other one fails: I think the other one is more likely to work.

Second this. She needs to feel like she's reciprocating somehow.

I have a BFF like that. She's going through a rough patch, but good Lord if I offer to take her out and buy her lunch, she will refuse! She will be stubborn about it! So instead she will come over and clean my place and I will feed and pay her in return. I can't feed her (or pay her) any other time without her feeling horrible, unless I can come up with some alternative way for her to "pay" me back. I understand where she's coming from, though, so I always try and make sure she feels like she's helping and/or doing me a favor and not being a burden.

Clearly your neighbor can't clean your place, but the entertaining your dad excuse could work. It helps your neighbor feel like they're doing you guys a favor and gives her an "out" from feeling like she owes you.

[protege]

The OP's coworker reminds me of my grandmother.

She was in a serious auto accident in '94, and could no longer do most of the 'heavy' work around the farm. That is, no more shoveling the walk, cutting the grass, or maintaining the place. Her neighbors were truly awesome. They'd come down, cut the grass (she had a huge yard, clear the snow from the driveway and sidewalk...and would rarely take a penny for their efforts. Nor would they let her pay for all of the gasoline.

So she would find other ways to 'repay' their generosity. She would send them boxes of steaks, gift cards, or even alter their clothes. Grandma had been a seamstress for years and knew what she was doing with the sewing machine

[JustaCashier]

......wrap it into a "Pay It Forward" expression to her. Get her thinking of ways SHE CAN pay it forward!

This.

I became Homeless nearly 2 1/2 years ago. (Major illness/lengthy hospitalization and home recovery in 2008, resulting in loss of job, Unemployment Insurance eventually running out).

I spent around 6 1/2 months in an organized Homeless Encampment (Tent City) in 2011, and spent 8 1/2 months of last year in an indoor Men's Transitional Shelter, which enabled me to apply for (and receive) benefits, get Housing apps in, and Counseling. I became rehomed just before last Christmas, fortunately due to very reasonable rent for an apartment whose owners keep very well maintained. I didn't even have to go with a subsidized property, though I'm still on a couple waiting lists.

Throughout my period of Homeless, I acquired many new real life friends, some of which had previously been "virtual" friends, through a local internet site. (Also found out that some longtime real life friends, apparently weren't).

There is absolutely nothing I could ever do to pay these people back individually.

What I can do, and am trying to, is to "Pay it Forward", whether it be to contribute to someone, or a cause, totally unrelated to my own issues, or to volunteer for groups that helped the Homeless Encampment that I stayed at, during my time there, and continued to do so after I was forced to move, after a couple of back-to-back bouts of pneumonia around the Holidays of 2011. There is a networking among some of these groups with the same interest----they help each other out, so I can also help out groups that may not have benefited me directly.

"Paying it Forward" need not be monetary. It can simply be a time investment, for those physically able. I no longer have the physical ability and stamina, to help set-up fundraising events, (drives me nuts to just sit on my ass, when "everyone" else is hauling stuff in/out, and setting up/breaking down tables and such) but I can smile, (new dentures this past January! ) and greet people attending the event, and handle a cash box.

"Paying it Forward" can also be writing letters/e-mails to politicians/corporations/etc/etc, in regards to issues and causes the person is passionate about. Maybe speaking out for those that can't speak for themselves.

If and when a few extra bucks may be available, that doesn't need to go to an immediate personal need, they can be donated to a person, or cause. Yesterday, I ate at a local "Mom-n-Pop" Restaurant, and as I was placing my order at the counter, I noticed a jar next to the tip jar, asking for donations for one of their employees, greatly in need of optical care. I tossed a few bucks in that jar too, not only to "Pay it Forward", but this particular Small Business, was one of several that contributed a generous gift certificate, to be auctioned off during a fundraiser for me a year and a half ago, to collect money to rent me a room in someone's house until I could get into the indoor Transitional Housing, and not have to go back to the Tent City.

Okay, I've rambled on waaayyyy too long, but if the OP's co-worker is of the mindset of where they get great satisfaction of helping others that they maybe don't even know, or will never know, "Paying it Forward" is the way to go.

And, I'd be willing to bet, that most of the folks that have helped this person, would be absolutely thrilled that this person did so, rather than paying them back directly in some manner.

Mike